Family
“A mother is she who can take the place of all others, but whose place no one else can
take.”
“A mother’s love is forever; time, distance, hardship...all fall before the strength of her love.”
“Real mothers know that a child’s growth is not measured by height or years or grades...It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mother.”
“A grandmother is a mother who has a second chance.”
“Just about the time a woman thinks her work is done...she becomes a grandmother.”
“A mother holds her children’s hands for a while, their hearts forever.”
“A mother is not a person to lean on, but a person who makes leaning unnecessary.”-Dorothy Canfield Fisher
“The two most important things a mother can give a child are first roots and then wings.”
“God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers.”-Old Jewish Proverb
“The only man a girl can trust is her daddy.”-Didi Conn (Grease)
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money on them." -Abagail Van Buren
"A dad is a fellow who has replaced the currency in his wallet with family snapshots."
"Marriage should be a duet. When one sings, the other claps."-Joe Murray
"The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother."
"It is admirable for a man to take his son fishing, but there is a special place in Heaven for the father who takes his daughter shopping."
"A house is built of walls and beams, a home is built of loves and dreams."
"Other things may change us, but we start and end with family."-Anthony Brandt
"A baby is born with a need to be loved and never outgrows it."-Frank A. Clark
"A brother is a friend provided by nature."-Legouve Pere
"You know, fathers just have a way of putting everything together."-Erika Crosby
"My fingers may be small, but I can still wrap Daddy around them."
Friendship
“If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you made me smile, an entire evening
sky would be in the palm of my hand.” -Rowland R. Hosteins, Jr.
“How lucky I am to have someone who makes saying goodbye so hard.”
“If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I would not follow. I would be at the bottom to catch them when they fall.”
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Two good friends are like pillars on a porch, sometimes holding one another, sometimes leaning on one another, but always standing by one another.”
“I’ll say a wish for you, and hope it will come true, that life will just be kind to such a gentle mind. And if you lose your way, reach back on yesterday. Remember me this way.” -Sarah McLaughlin (Casper)
“And why does he hang out with those retarded gorillas, as you call them? Because any of them, if he asked them to, would take a bat to your head, okay? That’s called loyalty.”-Robin Williams (Good Will Hunting)
“We started out as strangers, and ended as lifelong friends, we shared a season of our lives together, but every season has an end, but truly never will in our hearts.”
“If you should die before me, ask if you could bring a friend.”-Stone Temple Pilots
“In the end, I want to be standing at the beginning with you.”
“No one is normal. There are just a lot of weird people with things in common.”
“Love is blind; friendship closes it’s eyes.”
“Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence. True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation.”-George Washington
“I’ll remember all the laughter as we go our separate ways, but there’s so much we’re learning and we cannot be afraid. There’s a world outside our door and nothing in our way. But if it’s not what we’re looking for, we’ll meet again someday.”
“Well, you and I, we’re buddies and we’ve been since we first met. Me and you, we’ve sure been through our share of laughter and regrets. Lord knows we’ve had our bad days, and more than once we’ve disagreed. But you’ve always been a friend to me. You’ve always been, time and again, the one to take my hand, and show to me that it’s okay to be just the way I am, with no apologies. Oh you’ve always been, and you will ‘till God knows when, yes, you’ve always been a friend to me.”-Garth Brooks
“Good friends forget how much money they owe each other.”-Rebecca Wagner
“Friendship is born at the moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one’.”-C.S. Lewis
“And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out into the world, it is better to hold hands and stick together.”-Robert Fulghum
“It’s hot, it’s cold, it’s funny, it’s tragic, it’s forever, it’s whatever. Must be a friendship between two women.”
“The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on the porch and swing with, never saying a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.”
“A true friend never gets in your way, unless you happen to be going down.”-Robert Edwards
“I don’t need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends that I can be certain of.”
“Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don’t say.”
“’Pooh,’ said Piglet, ‘You have a lot of friends don’t you?’” “’Yes,’ said Pooh, ‘But only one Piglet.’”-A.A. Milne
“A friend loves at all times.”-Proverbs 17:17
“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up.”-Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
“Real friends are those who, when you’ve made a fool of yourself, don’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
"If I had to choose between betraying my country and betraying my friend, I hope that I should have the guts to betray my country."-E.M. Forester
"Friendship is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words."-George Eliot
"I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends."-Walt Whitman
"I found out what the secret to life is: friends. Best friends."-Jessica Tandy (Fried Green Tomatoes)
"Let's make a pact. Here and now; we're here for each other always." -Asleigh Aston Moore (Now and Then)
"Best friends hang tough. They don't come with 'Fragile' stickers and are not easily scared off, or ticked off. Best friends help you out whenever they can, make time for you even when they don't have any, and trust your friendship enough to say 'no.' Best friends are cross-your-heart-and-hope-to-die, good-times-and-bad-times, borrow-anything, tell-you-everything, trust-you-with-their-deepest-darkest-secrets, always-and-forever friends."
"Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and it is for the best ending for one."-Oscar Wilde
"There's the people who you've known forever, who like...know you...in this way that other people can't, because they've seen you change, they've let you change."-My So-Called Life
"The better part of one's life consists of their friendships."-Abraham Lincoln
"True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable."-David Tyson Gentry
"Of all eloquence a nickname is the most concise; of all arguments the most unanswerable."-William Hazlitt
Okay, so this isn't really about friends. However, my friends usually give me my nicknames, and I was thinking about them when I wrote this one down.
"Best friends don't have to call each other best friends. They just know."
"...I have to find other things to do without you, but only you think I'm funny-upside down on an armchair at ridiculous hours of the morning."-Dorothy-Ann Parent
"When we're parched with drought and we can't catch trout, when my voice gives out, we'll still be freakin' friends... till we come to that end, we're freakin' friends."-Daria
"There is nothing better than a good friend, except a good friend with chocolate."-Linda Grayson
"I have no trouble with my enemies. But my friends... they are the ones that keep me walking the floor nights."-Warren G. Harding
"See, you and me have a better time than most can dream of, have it better than the best can pull through. Whatever tears at us, whatever holds us down. And if nothing can be doen, we'll make the best of what's around."-Dave Matthews Band
"Time goes by so fast, people go in and out of your life. You must never miss the opportunity to tell these people how much they mean to you."-Cheers
"A friend understands even when your thoughts aren't fitting into words."-Ann D. Parish
Funnies
“Tell a man there are a billion stars in the sky and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench
has wet paint on it and he’ll have to touch it to be sure.”
“It’s not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It’s how he found out.”
“This whole life thing worries me...I mean, no one comes out alive!”
“Acquaintance. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.” -Ambrose Bierce
“Consult. To seek another’s approval of a course already decided on.” -Ambrose Bierce
“One day I sat thinking, almost in despair; a hand fell on my shoulder and a voice said reassuringly: ‘Cheer up, things could get worse.’ So I cheered up, and sure enough, things got worse.” -James Haggerty
“Conscience. The inner voice that warns us that someone may be looking.”-H.L. Mencken
“I just have a knack for bugging people.”-Katie Miller
Okay, so this is only funny to
me and like three other people.
“The knee bone’s connected to the something. The something’s connected to the red thing. The red thing's connected to my wristwatch. Uh-oh.”-Dr. Nick Riviera (Simpsons)
“Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.”
“If you think country music is still about big hair and blue eyeshadow, you haven’t listened to it for 20 years, and you probably think Elton John is still wearing platforms.”-Trisha Yearwood
“Why Star Wars is better than Titanic...
1. Han Solo would’ve missed the iceberg.
2. We
knew the boat was going to sink, but who could have anticipated, ‘Luke, I am your
father’.”-a email originating who knows where
“Experience is the one thing you have plenty of when you’re too old to get the job.”
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”-Phylis Diller
“The shortest distance between two points is always under construction.”-Noelie Alito
“Marriage is like an army; everybody complains, but you’d be surprised at how many re-enlist.”-The Fortune Cookie
“This life is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual life, you would have received further instructions on where to go and what to do!”-Chicken Soup for the Soul
“Talk about a pork chop at a bar mitzvah!”-Rex Mathie
“You don’t want to be guys; you’d be all hairy and you wouldn’t live as long.”-Mathew Perry (Friends)
“Don’t judge someone too quickly. They might have a very good reason for acting that way!"
“If you turn a frown upside down, the person you’re holding by the ankles will pass out.”
“Some people think they know everything because they were born.”-Robert Burch
“No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be run away from!-Peanuts
“Duct tape is like ‘The Force.’ It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.”
“If God had meant for us to be naked, we’d have been born that way.”-Mark Twain
“John Richardson is a pnicx.”-Elevator of Doom
Only my friends and I will get this
one, too.
“I Peter 3:5 says ‘willingly are ignorant’, now folks, that means dumb on purpose.”-Kent Hovind
“Ignorance can be fixed; stupid is forever.”-Kent Hovind
"They call it physical education, but it feels like gym to me."-Lisa Simpson
"The two great rules of life. 1)Never tell everything at once."-Ken Venturi
"I'm a firm believer in the 11th beatitude: Blessed are the brief for they shall be heard again."-Travis Rucker
"Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused."
"I'm gonna Veggie your Tale."-Emily Hall
This is another one of those, 'you have to know her' to get it, but it has to do with Veggietales, barely.
"This was a bad ideaaaah!"-Rachel Lane
Rach is one of my roomies, and we were talking about jumping off a building (don't ask) and she said,'Yeah, and half-way down you'd be yelling...' hence, the quote. Plus, we say it all the time when we get in a funny situation that we don't want to be in.
"Just a bowl of butterbeans. Pass the cornbread if you please. I don't want no turnip greens. Just a great big bowl of butterbeans. See that girl a sitting there. The one with the long blonde curly hair. She's not pregnant as she seems. She just ate a great big bowl of butterbeans."-Jen, Emily, Karen, Katie
These four girls are my (adopted, temporary, only one time) roomates. They sang this song a million times while we were in Honduras.
"I got a TV Guide!"-Saturn Lane
Sat is another of my roomies. She bought a TVGuide because J.C. of Nsync was on the cover. Not until four hours later, when she finished looking at the pics, did she realize that she also had a tv schedule in the back. You'd have to know Sat.
"Something that wasn't there just exploded, and now we're all DNA and thumbprints!"-Mark Lowry
Mark is a Christian comedian and he was facetiously talking about the Big Bang
"Daddy talks when he has something to say. Momma and I talk until we have something to say."-Mark Lowry
"No, you do not look fat in your leaf."-Ryan Stiles(Whose Line is it Anyway)
This was from scenes from a hat; the scene was 'First thing Adam said to Eve.'
"On July 12, 1947, people believe that aliens landed in Roswell, New Mexico. Exactly nine months later, on March 31, 1948, Al Gore was born. Coincidence? You decide."-a friend's sig
"But, Momma, I don't want to stay at a hotel!"-Rachel Lane
You would have to hear Rach's accent for this
"Your not terminally unique, you're just a cow in the herd."-Dan Riley
"Women may be the weaker sex...but not at the bargain counter."
"As ye smoke, so shall ye reek."
"Tengo me siento en los jovenes manana."-Susan Anderson
I couldn't think of the spanish word for babysitting when I was emailing a friend, so this is what I wrote. Loosely translated, it means "I have to sit on some kids tomorrow."
"Counting flowers on the wall, that don't bother me at all. Playing solitaire till dawn with a deck of 51, smoking cigarettes and watching Captain Kangaroo; now don't tell me I've nothing to do."-Eric Heatherly
"I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry, because come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?"
"One dark day, in the middle of the night,
Two dead guys got up to fight,
Back to back, they faced each other,
Drew out their swords and shot each other,
A deaf police man heard this noise,
Came out and shot those two dead boys,
If you don't believe this lie, it's true,
Ask the blind man, he saw it too."
"It takes a lot of brains to enjoy sarcasm, wit and irony, and none to be offended by them."-Hart
"Dear white fella:
A couple of things you orta' know; when I am born, I am black, when I grow to a man, I am black, when I go out in the sun, I am black, when I am cold, I am black, when I gets scared, I am black, when I dies I am black. But you, ma fella, when you's born, you's pink, when you's grow, you's white, when you's sick, you's green, when you's go out in the sun, you's red, when you get cold, you go blue, when you gets scared, you yellow, when you dies you go purple...and you got the cheek to say Ah am colored!"-Hazel Warrington
"Is that chap-stick in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"-Saturn Nicholson
"Only dead fish go with the stream."
"Thanks for opening my corn of can for me."-Saturn Nicholson
"Can't we just be friends with benefits?"-Nedja Bray
(talking about how she didn't want to date someone that she loved as a friend)
"I'm sorry. If you were right, I would agree with you."-Robin Williams (Awakenings)
"They're scientists. Common sense just gets in their way."-Sabrina Lloyd (Sliders)
"The estimated amount of glucose used by an adult human brain each day, expressed in M&M's, is 250."
"The Holy Spirit said, 'You misspelled my name.'"-Jarrod Edwards
"Awaken only for emergency hugs..."
"When I finished at Carson Newman, I was a virgin. I mean, I was so crazy about having sex with my wife, that I saved money all during college. 'Cause I didn't plan on working for the first two years after I got married. You know why?"-Lucas Heard
"I mean, God invented sex. He was like, "I got Adam, and Eve, and I'll put 'em together. Hehe, you're gonna like this!"-Lucas Heard
"Laughter puts you into the moment, and when you are in the moment, you are completely nonjudgmental, just noticing...witnessing...the way things are and the way they ought to be. Noticing the disparity between them causes laughter."-Tim Allen
"The shell is still here, but the nut's already gone."-Mr. Shoulders
"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."-Kurt Taylor
"It's a win-win situation. If Dubya wins, we win. And if Gore wins, it just means the Lord's coming back soon."-JC Oakley
Said the night of the election...affirmed thirty-seven days later (to some extent)
"It rhymes with 'Usan's Ather.'"-Jarrod Edwards
I don't think anyone other than he and I have heard this, actually...so it's only funny to us
"It's a Baptist church. Grab your own."-Jarrod Edwards
Said after hearing, "Grab a seat."
"If you obey God, He's going to reward you. He'll say, 'You ran the good race, here's your chocolate.'"-Aaron Matthews
"She'd say,'Aaron, your motivation is you're a blob. Go with it.'"-Aaron Matthews
"Well, you know what they say about great minds...we've got 'em!"-Jarrod Edwards
"Excuses are like noses. Everyone's got one."-Jarrod Edwards
"Some things in life have to suck, and that's gotta be one of them."-Jarrod Edwards
"Look Nic, Chinese balls!"-Rebecca Wagner
"I like cracking my balls."-Rebecca Wagner
"I have to have one good crack of my balls, then I'm satisfied."
Disclaimer for the previous three quotes...the first one is talking about the jingle-y balls that are used to roll around in your hands for stress release...the second two are talking about fire cracker balls that when cracked together give off a loud noise...they aren't being perverted...unless that is you take them that way, then I can't help you
"It's not worth it. You'll only break your legs. You must go higher."-Jarrod Edwards
"What is the common term for the item used to start a fire? D. A liberal arts diploma"-Who Wants to be a Millionaire
"Don't worry. We're just laughing at you."-Veronica's Closet
"When 'Being all you can be' isn't good enough..."-Jarrod Edwards
"Cry me a river, so we can build a bridge, and get over it."-Jarrod Edwards
"I'll knock the yellow off your teeth!"-J.C. Oakley
"Princess, having sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog."-a friend's siggy
"Always remember, you're unique... just like everyone else."
"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right." -Ashleigh Brilliant
"You don't have to agree with me, but it's quicker."
"Never moon a werewolf." -Mike Binder
"I'm not opinionated, I'm just always right."
"He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed." -David Frost
"...it took that long for the fiction of my superiority to be eroded by the truth." -Dr. Bryant Creel
"Que es una trapiche?" "Uh, a small, woodland creature?" -Dr. Michael Handelsman and Cato Miller
"Como este... Tu eres un estudiante de mucho calidad." "Evidentamente, no." -Dr. Michael Handelsman and Cato Miller
"Life is not always an air conditioned dog pen." -Martha Taylor
"Millions yearn to live forever who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon."
"Expecting life to treat you well because you are a good person is like expecting an angry bull not to charge you because you are a vegetarian."
"Bless his heart. If you placed his brain on the head of a pin, it would roll around there like a BB on the open highway." -Patrick Brady
"I'm paying attention. I'm multi-tasking... What?" -Jarrod Edwards
"Scott takes his little turn on the catwalk." -Susan Anderson
"A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead." -Fortune Cookie
"On cable tv, they have a weather channel - 24 hours of weather. We had something like that where I grew up. We called it a window." -Dan Spencer
"Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life." -Terry Pratchet
"Millions learn to live forever who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon."
"I had a drug problem [growing up]. I was drug to church Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night." - Babi Mason
"Things that make you go... {shudder}" - Ron (Tater Salad)White
"No one ever had to teach me to be bad." - Dan Riley
"You might be a redneck if you turn the microwave on and come back, find your roll outside, and expect it to be warm." - David Brotherton
"She said, 'You want some of this?' No, look what it did to your undershorts." - Larry the Cable Guy
"Whoops... Heh, you might be a redneck..." "What'd you do?" "Hehe... fire!" "You really are a Boy Scout." - Susan Anderson and David Brotherton
"Do you see the bull?"
"No..."
"Look. There's the nose, and the ring."
"I think she's drunk. Maybe you should take her back to her room."
-Susan Anderson, David Brotherton, and the Holiday Inn security guard
"Are you seeing bulls again?" -David Brotherton
