"Hey Nick," I said as I passed him in the hallway at school.
"Hi," he replied with a weak smile and just continued walking with one of his friends.
I sighed. Why did he even ask me to the dance? Why did he even have to kiss me?!? And why did I have to enjoy it so much, and push him away?
It was now the first Wednesday after the Spring formal dance, and we had barely spoken to each other since. Neither one of us had phoned another, we hadn't hung out after school or in school, and we sure didn't say more than a simple ''hi" to each other. Why did things have to get so complicated?
The rest of the school day I paid attention fully and didn't let this bother me too much. But I decided as soon as I got home I would call him.
"Hey Dad!" I said cheerfully as I walked in the door.
"Hey. Why are you so happy?" he asked leaning closer in to my ear. "Is it a boy?"
"Dad!" I smacked him on his shoulder. "I just got an A on my Geometry unit test!" I pulled out the paper from my book bag and handed it to him.
"Let's just put this right on the refrigerator."
"Alright!" I dropped my book bag on the floor and went to retrieve an apple from our fruit basket.
"Why are you home? Did you just get back from the hospital?"
"I came home at noon and did some paper work I needed to get done. Paid some bills too. And I was going to go back to see your Mom earlier, but I wanted to see if you wanted to come."
"Sure! But don't you wanna wait for Jakob?" I asked.
"No, he's got track practice until late tonight."
"Okay."
"Let's go." He started heading towards the front door.
"Right now?" I asked.
"Yeah, unless you wanna wait."
"No, I'm fine!" I bounced down the stairs and beat my Dad to the truck.
We got caught in traffic on the way, but I just pulled out my homework and started completing what had to be done. Before I knew it, we had arrived.
We didn't have to wait around any more, we could just go straight to her room, which is exactly what we did.
"You go in first," my Dad said.
"Okay!" I happily walked through the door, but once I saw my Mom, the smile faded. She looked weaker than the last time I saw which was three days ago. Her hair was sloppily tucked behind her ears, her skin was as white as fresh milk in the morning, and she had dark circles under her eyes.
"Hi baby." She outstretched her arms for me to give her a hug. Her arms slightly shook, showing signs of bad nerves.
"Hi Mom. I love you."
"Oh I love you too! So...how's everything?"
"It's pretty good! I'm trying my best to get the grades I want, but it's hard. I just wish you were home to help me study at the last moment." I smiled remembering the good days wondering when they were to return.
"Oh, I'll always be with you honey. Maybe you won't be able to see me, but you can definitely feel me in your heart." I saw her look away to stop the tears from overflowing.
"I know Mom, believe me I know. But when you get home, I'll make-"
"About coming home," she said, cutting me off.
"Yeah."
"There's no easy way to say it baby. Come here." She pulled me in her arms and I rested my head on her chest, afraid to look at her.
"Don't tell me Mom, I was having the best day, whatever it is, it's only going to bring me down. Please don't tell me."
"Amanda, I have to tell you."
"No Mom!" I plugged my ears and started making noise so I wouldn't hear her. She continued anyway.
"We've known for some time now! You have to know." I closed my eyes and tuned her out but she grabbed my arms pretty strongly and began shaking me.
"Look Amanda, you're the only one who doesn't know I'm not coming home! Never! And I can't let you continue thinking I'm always gonna be at our home for you, I'm not!" I looked at her and shook my head.
"No Mom, there has to be some mistake! You were only in a car accident! If you don't die right away that means you're coming home! Mom! Tell me you're lying." My chin quivered. "Please?"
"No." She shook her head slowly and tears flowed freely as soon as I heard her simple answer. "Let me tell you something. I'm going to be going home soon."
"What? You just said-"
"Not OUR home, God's home. And I'll be there forever, and we won't see each other again until it's your time to come home. And when that time comes, I'll be the first one to see your face. It won't be that bad I promise. You'll still have Daddy, and Jakob too."
"No Mom, it's not the same! They aren't YOU!"
"Of course not, but pretty soon it won't be that bad. If it makes you feel any better, I'm n-" I cut her off.
"No Mom, nothing is ever going to make me feel better! You're dying Mom! You're dying! How am I supposed to grow up without you there showing me what I'm supposed to be doing? Huh? You don't know how hard it is to hear these words Mom. You've hurt me so bad! I know if you really wanted to you would make it, but no Mom, you don't want to! Is this some kind of punishment? Do you WANT to hurt me and make me live without you?" I screamed.
"It's not m-" I cut her off again.
"Please, I can't hear this any more. Good bye Mom." I walked heavily out of the door and almost bumped into my father.
"I'll be in the car."
"Huh?" He stared off after me as I left. I was no longer crying but instead I was fuming with anger. This wasn't right! How could my own Mother give up on us? I know if she really wanted to live she would! And she'd been holding back from telling me more than anyone else? Who else knew? Dad and Jakob did, what about Nick? He probably knew too! And even our neighbors! Everyone probably knew, after all, I'm the least important one to hear this!
I exited the hospital through the automatic doors and kicked the first stone I saw. This was unbelievable!
I reached the truck and tried to open the door, but I remembered they weren't unlocked. I shrugged and sat down on the ground, crossing my arms and legs while I looked up at the pale blue sky. It was so beautiful, something my heart had never felt as I had looked at it before, besides the time with Nick.
I sat in the warm air thinking, with chills running up my spine every so often. My tears possibly were what made me cold, or the soft breeze, or even just the thought of not having a Mother any more. Either way I was sad, cold, and confused. The worst combination of emotions to have when alone.
"Are you going to sit down there by yourself all day?" I looked up to see my Father. "Come on." He reached out his hand and I took it, helping me to a stand. I quickly turned from him, not giving him the hug he expected. I heard him sigh and walk around to the driver's side. I felt my heart sink in reaction to how I cold I was being to my Father. It wasn't his fault she was dying, it was hers.
As soon as I arrived home I walked up to my room and flopped on my bed without even turning the lights on. It was still early, light dimly shining through the windows, so it was no wonder why I couldn't sleep. Without even knowing it I picked up my phone and dialed Nick's number.
"Hello?" his Father asked on the first ring.
"May I speak with Nick please."
"Hold on a sec." There was some rustling in the background before he came to the phone happily.
"Hello?"
"Hey Nick."
"Hey," his voice shyly sounded.
"How's everything? You know we haven't talked much since the other day."
"It's fine. I'm fine. How are you?"
"Terrible," I muttered on the verge of tears, but I swallowed and held them all back.
"Why?" he asked sounding honestly concerned.
"I had a nice visit to the hospital not that long ago. She's not going to make it."
"WHAT!!" he yelled. "Oh no! Are you okay? How's your Dad and brother holding up?"
"Nick, they've known. Only God knows how long they've been holding this back from me! Nick, why would they do that? Tell me I'm not crazy for being hurt by that," I said angrily.
"Why would they not tell you? You're a part of the family too! I don't understand that." There was a small period of silence before he spoke again. "Do you need me to come over and talk?"
"I don't know. Every time I talk to someone I find something new out that only hurts me more."
"I'd never hurt you," he said. I covered my mouth with one of my hands to keep myself from crying. "Remember out little agreement we made? Come on, I know you remember..." I knew Nick was smiling and the thought of it only made me smile as well.
"Yeah I remember. But I'm sorry about the car and everything. I broke my promise."
"You helped me with that one! You taught me how to lie! I know if I had told the whole entire truth I would have gotten it twice as bad. I wouldn't have been able to take you to the dance." I felt my stomach flip flop as he spoke of the dance. "About the dance Ama-"
"So are you going to rescue me again?" I cut him off. "I need someone to talk to."
"Sure. I'll be right over."
"No, actually Nick, how about I go to your house and we can stay outside by the lake? Is that good?"
"Cool. I'll see you then. Bye Amanda."
"Bye." I sighed and hung up the phone. I quickly stood up and sat down just as fast, when my head started spinning.
"Yikes." I rubbed my face with my hands and could still feel the leftover tears from earlier. I didn't even bother to look at my reflection, I knew it was probably horrific.
I quickly washed my face and found a quick cure to make me happy: my stash of miniature Snicker bars.
I grabbed a few for myself and Nick before I walked towards his house. To my surprise he was already walking to my house.
"And what do you think you're doing?" I smirked at him.
"Meeting you half way so I could race you."
"Oh really? On your mark, ready, set go!"
"Hey! No fair Amanda! I wasn't ready!" I barely heard him as I ran full speed to the lake behind his house. I was quickly panting, forcing myself to move faster as I saw Nick quickly catch up to me.
"It is true! Guys are better runners than girls!" I heard him shout next to me.
"Oh yeah?" I asked glancing ahead of me and next to me, making sure my plan would work. "But you know what else is true? Girls are better cheaters than guys!" I gave him a quick smile and pushed him aside so he fell on the ground. I laughed the whole way across the dock before I flopped down in hysterics.
"Slow poke," I said as I saw him jogging to where I laid.
"Cheater."
"I know I know."
"Scoot over big head," Nick said as he slightly shoved my leg with his foot. I did as he said and watched him lay next to me.
"It's hot out here," I said as I wiped the sweat from my forehead and rubbed it on his shirt. Nick slapped my arm and gave me a look of happiness in his eyes. I sighed and closed my eyes as I laid my head back on the dock. I pulled out my shades to help comfort my eyes from the bright red sun and handed Nick a pair as well.
"Thanks," he said and put the pair over his eyes. I glanced at him and smiled.
"Are we planning on watching the sun set again Nickolas?" I smirked but it soon vanished once I saw the annoyed look on his face.
"Don't call me that! Gosh, everyone knows I hate that name!"
"Sorreee mister! What's your prob?" I switched over and made my body support itself on my right arm. Nick didn't answer, but just sat there instead. "Well..." I continued waiting.
"I'm sorry."
"It's alright," I said with a hint of annoyance in my voice.
"Not only that, I'm sorry about Sunday. That kiss..." his voice trailed off.
"Yeah, that kiss. What happened there?" I said, trying to figure out how I should tell him I liked it, or better yet, that I loved it! Maybe I wouldn't have to tell him, maybe I could just...kiss him...kiss him the way he had kissed me. My stomach flip flopped and I controlled myself and managed not to smile.
"It was a mistake. I went over the line! I guess I was trying to make something more than friendship happen between us, but I know that's just ridiculous!" I slightly laughed to cover up my embarrassment as he looked at me.
"Yeah, ridiculous."
"We didn't even make it as friends before! And it took us forever to get it back! Why should we ruin it? It wouldn't even work anyway! I'm really sorry, that kiss, it was dumb and...and just not right for us. We're just...fiends." Nick turned to me and watched my reaction. I just nodded my head in agreement, giving him what I thought was what he wanted. But he wasn't smiling, he was just watching me, whing me with that look in his eyes, t look I recognized every time he was lying, every time he was holding something back. But obviously he wasn't holding anything back. I had just heard him let it all out and tell me exactly how he felt.
"Yeah, stupid." I turned away from Nick to keep myself from crying. I had never been so hurt in one day in my entire life.
I closed my eyes as the sun set. I refused to keep my them open and let painful tears flood my eyes. Instead, I closed my eyes and thought about everything, everything but Nick, everything but Nick and I being together as a couple, as more than friends. I didn't think about how much I had wanted Nick and I to last forever, I didn't think about how he looked every time I saw him, and how my stomach tingled on those occasions. Well...maybe I did think about those things a little bit...or even during the entire quiet moment. But what I also thought about was how Nick's eyes were this shade of blue you could use as an excuse to fall in love with someone, and how his lips were always formed into a smile, just to keep me together, and I even thought about how his hands were the smallest size I have ever seen on a guy his age. A size that a girl would love to have, not too big, and not too small, just right for any girl, especially me. But what mostly wondered through my mind, was how I loved every one of these details about him, and how I would never feel the same way when I looked at him again.
