"Mom, I can see you, I can...it's almost as if I can feel you," I said glancing at my Mother's image. That's all that she was, an inanimate image standing in the middle of my bedroom. I glanced at the red digital numbers on my alarm clock. A little past midnight, not too late I guess.
"That's how it is when you're...like me." I walked slowly up to my Mom and reached out for her hand. I could feel the coldness slide through my fingers.
"How come you're gone? Why now Mom? Why not when you have gray hair, and wrinkles, and you have to use a hearing aid?" I asked, my voice sturdy. For some reason, nothing frightened me at this moment. Seeing my Mother for the first time since she passed was incredible. It was like nothing you could ever describe in a thousand words that had a thousand meanings, or even the words you did know, and had the simplest meanings. It was special.
"Amanda, I've told you before. It was my time. Everything happens for the best. Everything, And something really good will come of this, I promise." I stared into my Mother's eyes, wanting to cry, but I couldn't. It was as if I didn't have enough heart to cry, as if I wasn't allowed to cry.
"Mom, can't I just stay with you? And go to heaven with you?" I heard her joyous laughter.
"Of course not. You have to stay here on Earth and be with your Father, and your friends."
"But no Mom! I want to be with YOU! Can't you SEE that? Can't you see ME?"
"Nick. You have to stay here and share life with him."
"Nick? What does he have to do with this? I want to be with you rather than with anyone else!"
"No you don't. And you'll see that soon enough baby. Just wait." I felt my Mother reach out her hand and touch my skin to wipe away a tear. A tear that had not been able to fall until her skin touched mine. It was as if she gave me the power to feel.
"So will you come and visit me from time to time?" I said. She just pulled her face close to mine and kissed me on my forehead. She then stepped back and let go of me completely.
"I have to go Amanda."
"Wait Mom, wait!" I ran to her and reached out for her, expecting to feel her like I did when she touched me. But my fingers just glided through the mist. "Mom, mom," my voice cracked, showing the last signs of any feelings that were allowed to be shown. "why can't I feel you? What happened?"
"Bye baby, I love you."
"No Mom! Come back!" I ran toward the space where she had been just seconds before, but it was too late. She was gone.
I stared around my empty room lifelessly. I couldn't cry, I couldn't hear, I couldn't touch anything, I couldn't do anything without my Mother.
Then, I felt my heart thud deep within my skin, something that hadn't happened since I saw my Mom's ghost. I looked down at my chest and saw my heart pound, moving my skin in and out, in and out.
"Mom, are you coming back?" I looked from side to side, and tried to cry, to let it all out. I still could do nothing, just feel my heart. "Mom?" I spun around my room twice and tried to figure out what was happening. In, out, in, out, in, and out. I silently thought the beat in my head, over and over again, practically driving myself crazy. That's when I could do something, I could scream. I screamed while I sat on the floor where I had dropped.
"Mom, Mom!" I screamed. "Help me! Please, don't leave!" I expected my Dad to come running, Jakob too, but nothing.
"AH!" I gave a short scream as I bolted upward in my bed. I could still feel my heart thumping, in and out faster and faster. It was all a dream. A dream.
I turned on my table lamp and sat up with my head in my hands, shivering in coldness and in fear. I could feel a slight breeze come from my open window and I threw the covers off of me to get up and close it.
"A dream, that's all it was." I hugged myself as I paced around the floor of my room. "This is where it happened, and..." I quickly faced my alarm clock. "and it's 12:07! That's what time it was in my dream, right when she appeared." I shook my head repeatedly, trying not to believe this dream was true. "That's it, I'll just call her. I don't care if I wake her, I have to know, I have to speak with her right now." I walked over to my phone and dialed my Mother's hospital number I knew by heart.
"Hello?" A groggy voice answered from the other end of the line.
"Mom?"
"Amanda? What are you still doing up?"
"I'm sorry Mom, I just had a terrible dream a few minutes ago." My heart started slowing down it's pace as I was reassured my Mom was just fine.
"What about? A boogie-man?" she snickered.
"N..." I hesitated. "Yes. I had a dream about a boogie-man," I lied.
"Want to tell me about it? Or do you just want me to sing you a song?" I smiled as I remembered the good old times of my Mother and I.
"Sing, please?"
"Alright, but, it's not going to be as good. I am weak."
"Mom, you sing perfectly, go ahead." I waited for my Mom to clear her throat and begin.
"Oh suddenly, I was a sparrow, flying up free." she began. My heart skipped a beat as the song touched my heart. It had been so long since I heard the soothing song she had written herself. She continued. "And I didn't know, that it was so obvious, but it was, and now you know. Free, free, free. That's where I am. With you, you, you, that's where I wanna be. And now that you know, know, endlessly, I am in need, of more."
"Oh Mom!" I squealed. "Why did I have to be cursed with Dad's voice?" she laughed.
"I'm glad you liked it. I hope it made you feel better." My mind had totally blanked the dream, the nightmare out. It wouldn't bother me any more since I knew my Mother was safe and sound, since I knew that even if she did pass away this very night, I would have had the last chance to talk to her.
"Thank you Mommy, but I need to go to sleep so I can go to school tomorrow."
"Okay baby, nighty night. I love you."
"I love you too." I hung up the phone, turned out my light, and immediately fell asleep happily.
~~~~~~~~~~~
"So what do you want for your birthday?" Nick asked me as we were walking up towards his front door.
"Nothing," I said simply. That wasn't true, I just didn't want him to go out of his way to get me something.
"That's not true. What's in that small brain of yours?" he said pointing to my head.
"There's a lot in my small brain."
"Well, what do you want? Your birthday is three weeks away. I don't have that much time to get my money collected and buy your gift. So what do you want?"
"A bowl of cereal and milk. But make sure it's chocolate milk. Yeah, chocolate." I wiped my feet on his 'Welcome' mat before entering his house.
We had gone through a successful day of school and I had invited Nick over my house to shoot some hoops before I headed off to the hospital. But first, Nick had to put his book bag in his room and let his siblings know where he would be off to.
"For real, what do you want Amanda?"
"Nothing Nickolas," I said with an agitated tone in my voice. "I don't want anything for my birthday."
"Are you sure? 'Cuz if you don't tell me I'm going to K-Mart to buy you some depends."
"Shut-Up!" I smacked Nick really hard as he bolted up the stairs from his room.
"B.J., Angel, Aaron, whoever's home, I'm going to Amanda's house! Bye!" We slammed the front door behind us and jogged down the street before anyone could protest his disappearance.
"That was very informative," I said glancing to the side of me at him.
"Wasn't it though?"
"No. Can't you get in trouble or something?"
"Nah. I'm in enough trouble already, they don't have the guts to do it. Now shut-up and lets play some b-ball!"
As soon as we arrived in my front driveway where the basketball court was, I grabbed the ball and made a clear shot.
"One for me."
"That wasn't fair Amanda."
"Yeah it is. I'm a girl, remember? And besides, I suck at sports."
"I know, you don't have to remind me."
"Jerk," I said in a playful manner before I bounced the ball to Nick. "Check."
"Check."
"You're going down my friend!" I quickly turned half way around to have a good aim at the basket, when he smacked the ball from my hands.
"Your reflexes could use some work." He made a lay up and smiled. I took the ball and groaned. I knew I was in for a beat down in basketball, I don't even know why I bothered.
The score was somewhere way above Nick's head when I heard the phone ring through the front door that was opened for that purpose.
"I'll be back Nick."
"Yeah right, you know you're scared to come back." I ignored him and ran up the stairs to get the phone.
"Hello?" I said out of breath. I stretched the kitchen phone cord to the refrigerator to get some ice cold water.
"Hi Amanda."
"Hey Dad! Where are you? I thought you were coming to get me so we could go to the hospital."
"I know, I'm sorry. Listen Amanda..." his voice trailed.
"Dad, what's wrong? You sound as if you've been crying." I leaned my head back and took a big gulp of water.
"Amanda, she passed away this morning." As the words entered my ears, I started coughing uncontrollably and I couldn't stop. I tried to speak but I couldn't! I couldn't breathe! I was choking on my water! "Nick..." I managed to squeak before my vision went from blotchy to completely black when I dropped to the floor.
