Stuff about me
Well, there isn't a lot to know about me.
Or, i should say, a lot I want you to know about me.
I was born. I am 99 in dog years. I was last in line when they were handing out brains, and only received s'it. My eyes are not brown. They are deep blue green. Therefore, it is not obvious that I'm full of s'it from my appearance...wait until I speak.
I am an incompetant polock. Well, not really, but I have 1/10 Polish in me and sometimes...let's just say i'm not to bright. I have had my license for over a year. I drive to fast. Last night 10/16/99, I received two speeding tickets. Both within 20 minutes apart. I then drove the wrong way down a one way and was spotted by a cop. I am on my parents insurance. I have not told them yet, I fear that moment. This web page may never see another change.
I fear for the worst. I will be shot, beaten, and tortured beyond humanity. I have thus far evaded the coming apocalypse, however, the passive sentients that pay my car insurance will soon become evil. They will sprout demonlike wings and their eyes will grow dark and sharp. Their talons will extend and horns will sprout. I will not survive.
I currently go to Emerson College and major in Acting so one day I'm going to be rich and you'll love me. I am a really bad procrastinator but I think I'll stop this bad habit tomorrow. As of 8/1/00 I decided to stay in FL. Tis just so beautiful here.
UPDATE: 12/4/00, still in Fl, currently waiting on agents to call me so I'll be rich and famous and you'll love me!
My favorite colors are blue and red. According to sexologists, I'm a tiger in bed and a passionate cuddler before and after. This is only applicable to women* --- *Void for those not born as women.
I'm taken. Sorry for any inconvenience. Besides, if you like me from the pic you saw, you'd be infatuated with me now-UPDATE: I'm currently available. Please do not push and shove until you are in front of me, if you're going to fight, I want to see it.
Hobbies: Reading sci/fi fantasy, writing the same thing, martial arts, archery, drawing, keeping in shape, listening to ALL types of music except polka and old country, bowling, minigolfing, eating, emailing many people, collecting swords and daggers, paintball, going out clubbin/dancing :o)
Most romantic thing ever been given or ever said to me: Previous: Kayla, the girl that I used to see said something more romantic than anything I've ever been given. Monday I took her out to dinner. We played around the entire time and get your mind out of the gutter. She beat me in every game we played from connecting dots to tic tac toe. I say she cheated, but as you can guess, that got me nowhere. WE then played pool and I lost by one ball. Once I walked her to her door, we talked about the day and I said that she may have won everything else, but I'm winning right now and kissed her, after the kiss, she whispered into my ear that "It's a tie". for those who still don't understand, she meant that she was also winning through kissing me. if you have to ask why this is so significant, then you my friend, will be single for a long time. Last year: My wonderful x-girlfriend gave me such a great gift on my birthday...Besides the fact that she was there with me, she showed me how much she cared for me by what she had written inside the card she gave me, She let me know how sweet she thinks I am and that She's going to keep me. Believe me, I would never mind being her property ;)
I'm just casually dating now and looking for fun, but if the right girl comes along, I'm not stupid enough to pass her up.
Work: Is interfering with my fun...this is bad. At my present job, I will be getting a raise. I'm a good worker and I'll have my credit card debt paid off with a decent loan from a rich family member...my godparents are worth a few billion ;p
Favorite Things: ...this is one...
I was Salutatorian of my high school, just to let you know I'm not incompetant, but considering how much school I skipped, god knows how i did it. I never did my homework either until the morning of school. I can write quickly, thankfully, because I remember writing those essays for English class in under ten minutes. American Government was the worst, the teacher gave me detention for not having the work done and wasn't good at accepting the millions of excuses I could come up with. I could write a book with all the excuses I used to not do all the work. Am I boring you yet, I'm really trying, lol.
I'm turning this damn page into a journal. That is not good. When I'm famous, I'll publsh that but not before.
Newest Update:
10/13/02
I havn't written more than about three sentences in this thing in the past few years so I need to start. That was one, I'm on my way. There's two ;). I started my own lawn maintenance business last April. Time is flying by so fast. I'm doing pretty good now, I just acquired 5 nice new yards last week and have 7 or 8 more in the works. I consider a nice yard to be one that pays over $150. I'm really tired right now, rough night last night, at least the parts I can remember were, lol. I think I want a motorcycle, now that I finally have the extra money to buy whatever I want. I'm a very random person sometimes and when I'm tired, it's probably worse. I have so much to scan and add to this site, as soon as remember to buy a scanner while I'm in a store, two things that rarely happen-I'll have to write it down. I'm starting to finally get my life under control and start reaching my goals. I want to get at least 4 more modeling agents and start school next semester. Peace out.
2/08/03:
Yep, I'm not good at maintaining a journal anymore. Its like I've lost my desire for writing, I'll have to go and find it. I started writing a novel a very long time ago and havn't done anything with it a while, I need to get working on that also. Whats new with me, I acted in my first movie last month. At first, as an extra, but they liked me and wanted me to talk, so depending on how much the editor likes me...we'll see what I get to do. At least I get to write Feature Principle on my resume, can't beat that. I need to become a member of umm...some casting site that I don't remember the name of. I'll have to find that out also. I sound like I never do anything, lol. I just don't tend to talk about the things I do as much as the things I need to do. I'll be getting a new work truck this month or next depending on if I see any I like. Then I get to trade my current truck in for a really nice car, I really want a cadillac convertible, I like the way they look. I really need to go through all my old journals and add them to my site, don't think I'll make them viewable though. I'll need material to write a book with down the road ;) Alright, I have to go and order some pizza on the net, I'll write more l8r.
3/19/03
I'm so bad at writing. There is so much going on, so much that I'm going to wish that I could remember. Well, I hit a bump in my profesisonal career as a model, I foolishly drank on a Captain Morgan Promotion, however, due to my extraordinary skills to apologize, I worked everything out and even ended up getting more jobs offers than I had in the first place. Go me! I need to write a book about excuses, who needs one, just let me know, I will hook you up. The best line in it, I can't blame others for what I did, yet others are being blamed for what I did. Ohh...so good. I have a phd in b.s. Yep, that makes me a doctor. lol. So, I met a morganette off of that thing and we really didn't have much in common actually, I just wanted what every guy wants, but tried to make a relationship out of it, cuz sex too soon usually ruins a relationship sometimes, and shouldn't have waited, we ended up slowing down on talking reverting to only communicating in email and then even that stopped, cuz I stopped writing back. She may have wanted to see if I'd call more than once if she didn't call back type of thing, but I'm a quitter. If a girl doesn't call me back like she says she will, then I won't call either. Note to any girl listening who might like me, you better call if you say you will, cuz I won't call you. I've technically hit the I don't give a fuck anymore stage. It seems to work out pretty well. The funny part is that I was going to stop calling beth, the morganette before she slowed down on talking to me, and then that made me want her again. I've learned that I get bored with girls that call me too much and like the girls that act like they don't care. Most don't act like they don't care so I really didnt' realize this until recently. Most call me too much and I get bored, I've broken up with almost every girl I've ever dated, and I didn't know why, I'm just a fool, but thankfully I've figured it out so I can get past that. I've decided to just put my real journal on here, I could care less who reads it and if anyone even cares to read it, they'll have a chance at figuring out what I'm thinking about at the moment. Who knows, maybe they'll get insider info on what I think about them. I find it sooo much easier to express myself through writing then I do in person. I'm getting there, but do to the fact that I've hit the don't care stage, it will take longer. I remember breaking up with a girl when she didn't get any, sounds strange since I'm a guy doesn't it, well it was. At first, I don't know why, but I was adamant about waiting a little bit, then after a while, we stopped talking and then started again, and I still waited until one night, it was the night, and she gave me wine. I was already half drunk, so I passed out on her and she never called me again. I think its funny. It's just one of those things you look back on and say...now what in the hell was i thinking, but I'll never know what I was thinking, I didn't keep a journal at the time. I hate forgetting things, but I always do, so this is my only way to keep in touch with who I am right now, I can read some of my older journals from years ago and actually go back to my frame of mind at the time, which is sooo great, because as people get older their perspectived and ideals change and then they can't relate to what it was like as a child or teen, but I want to be able to make connections and understand what it was like. Kinda make any sense? Life is just complex, but my thoughts lay along the lines of one day I might have a kid and want to be able to be a friend. Such as I have a hard time talking to my parents sometimes. I suppose its the natural order of things, but I thing it can be circumvented. I'll try anyway, and to be able to remember some classic moments in your life is priceless. I could write a book or two on what I have so far, but I want to wait until I become famous and then be able to sell my childhood. I think it will be great, not that I'll really need the money though, I just had that thought, but it can be a guide to people on the same track in life not to give up no matter what you do or what kinds of stupid things you do in your life. I've done some very stupid things, and I'm going to start keeping track, problem with that is I can't give a possible gf or anything like that my website add, can't give em all the info on me. Everyone has their downsides, but its better when you don't know them all. Anyways, I'm getting ready to go out and have some fun, some girl was supposed to call me tonight but she hasn't yet. Maybe we'll just meet up in ybor, either way, I'm going home with someone tonight, reminds me, i need to make sure the room is clean.. Yeah, i can write a real books on a guys mentality. We clean..for the right reasons, lol.
cya.
4/1/03
Ya know, I'm so full of bs. I figure why not write on april fools day. I didn't go home with any girl from the last message, hell, aside from the best time of my life last week, it's been a year. A full year, did that make me a virgin again. I think I lost my virginity twice now. How crazy is that. I'm am soooo much better at expressing myself through writing than talking, ya know, If I had a gf and we communicated through email also, my god, i would have the best relationship ever. Ok, major question here, Is it wrong to really like someone. I mean, I've already said how I get bored with it, but this past week has slapped me upside the head and made me look at it in a new light. Ya know, its not that I get bored when any girl calls me, just that I get bored with a girl whom I'm not interested in whether she likes me or not. TTa is her name, yep definitely got me interested, I went to Ft. Lauderdale to see her because she was down on Spring Break. Personal note: I saw her on March 25th for the first time in person. In a way, I don't want to state how I feel because people can be scared away sometimes, however, I don't think she'll read this and even if she does, shes' awesome enough to accept me for who I am. Its so good to be yourself. I've already seen a little of her bad sides, trust me, but it was nothing I can't deal with. She's a smoker too, a bad negative, but totally outweighed by the positive. It was that time of the month, and man, I felt sorry for the walgreens clerk, dare I even write about it, nah, I'll remember it cuz I didn't want that directed at me, lol. Anywaz, getting sidetracked...I really like her, I mean she can call me as much as she wants. If you read the last entry, you'll understand that's important. I mean, I havn't really discussed any thoughts with her, I havn't thought to much about the future, but I want to be with her. I've offered her free rent in my apartment and that's no prob for me since I'm finally getting to the 50k mark and still rising. I'm looking into getting a house with a pool anyway. Now, there is a problem to this, I don't know how the situation would accept a relationship because I definitely think that I would want one, but she told me once that if she can't be friends with someone she breaks up with; however, I just try to encompass all the angles cuz, I really enjoyed the time we spent in Ft. Lauderdale and if thats the way it will be, that would work out great; and I also think that if we decided to take it further I think it has a great possibility of working out. I guess it's all really up to her. Sometimes I'm scared to take a risk, but this is a risk I'm not afraid to take, this is a ..no not a risk..a chance I'm afraid to miss, afraid to not take. I know she's afraid to make such a move, I know I was when I first came down from MA. It's a new thing, you dont know exactly how things will work out, but in a way, that's the beauty of life. If you knew, could things really be so great if you expected everything. Could you really appreciate finding someone like tta if you knew that was going to happen. It doesn't happen to most people. No, not knowing and being afraid make the great things and times you have that much more enjoyable, yet in a way, I know that we're going to have the greatest time in each other's arms, there is still the unknown that keeps it heavenly. I don't think I could say it any other way. Seriously, I wrote to much and my internet just disconnected, thats so annoying, thankfully my gma just told me she cancelling the internet. Why do you think I'm happy about that, it forces me to get Cable internet and I've been wanting that anyway. Sometimes I need to be pushed to go after something I want if it's not a necessity, but that's a whole new subject. I'm just glad for the times that I'm able to see something I want and not stupid enough to let it pass me by. Fate, that's a subject worth talking about sometimes. Do you believe in it, I think that there is some metaphysical element to life, and the way we connect. I think fate can bring you to a crossroad but you have to choose the path you want. Fate brings you to the girl of your dreams, but you have to be able to recognize it, or the possibility of it moreover, for one can't truly be sure can they. I hear stories of love at first sight and this and that, but never believed in it. I can't say I'm at that point now; but I don't know if I can knowingly discount the entire belief, i guess it's around for some reason. I feel something unexpected, and its great. Truly great. I havn't inquired, but have been approached and told that my attitude has changed for the better. Now what on earth do you say to this. You can't state, this is my feeling. This is how it will work out. Life doesn't work like that, but I can say this is how I think I feel, perhaps know, and I will find out and do what it takes to find out. Ya know, I'm scared sometimes I think to go for the glory, but then thats where regret comes into play. I really don't regret much, but I can't say nothing. There's been times in my life where I havn't done something I should have, havn't risked myself. And that's the basis for it all really. I'm going to try and not allow any more regrets to enter my life. My little sanctuary I call home ;) What is the point of life if you don't pursue happiness right, isn't that our right in the declaration on independence, the right to pursue happiness. Yeppers it is. I try to be true to myself, assess my feelings, desires, and emotions. Yet, as a human, its hard to express that to another person for fear of what they might think, what they might say, how they will react. Yet, I think its worse to keep it hidden. It's better to find out the reaction, than to wonder what it would be whether good or bad isn't it. In general, you don't get what you want by sitting idle, and I think I'll go with the odds. I'm so bad at poker though, yet that has to do with bluffing, maybe that's my problem, why bluff, i just turn out a loser. A peel the damn sticker at mcdonalds and lose loser. That's a tradgedy if ever there was one, lol. I feel so aleviated write now, so open. I'm entering a stage of my life where I don't care what people will think and how they will react to my perspective, my opinions, my feelings. I think its better someone knows. I used to be so shy when I was younger, so introverted, but as I grow, and learn, I'm able to better express myself and it's exhilarating. You know, i really need to keep writing, the thought just came into my head, that I get better as I go, the 'longer' syllable words appear and flow through my speech. I just reread the entire series of the sword of truth, best fantasy series ever...ever...did i say ever yet, in order to regain a foothold into the mystical realm, tap the power of my imagination for I have a power to speak, write, to entertain. You have no idea how many people have told me how inspirational i can be, and truthfully, it confuses me because I just speak what I know, makes me feel as though I'm on a different playing field than others and its where they want to be, they want to switch the checkers for chess pieces to play on the same board. checkmate baby, thats my goal, I suppose I don't want to be kinged, I don't care to dominate in such a way, I want to vanquish my foe. Rule my life unhindered. I'm well on my way and nothing is going to stop me, a negative mind set is your worse enemy and I've stepped over the horizen and sank my sword of truth into its foul belly long ago. No matter where the road of life may take me, I'm going far down that road. Is that the purpose of my life, to be famous and rich..no, that's not the purpose, success in my endeavors and happiness overpower that path. You always hear that the richest man can be the saddest, that's true in what I've learned so far. I'm not rich, but wealthier than I used to be and there is more stress associated with it, yet the freedom I have is unparalleled by any comparison. But then this brings me back to fate again when I say that i'm here through the various steps i've taken, like when me and paul just decided to move to florida one day while we lived our miserable lives in a town with only two trees and a dog. So dreary, we left the next day, said hey dad, I'm going to florida. Didn't know for sure if it was only for the summer, but that's how I make my decisions sometimes, I dont know how its going to work out, but it will. Everything works out if you let it. I have so many obstacles every day, but I just sit back, take care of each one with the knowledge that more are coming, but they only are coming because I'm advancing. I wonder sometimes, like now, why I write this, i have a little desire to publish it all one day, but most of all, I sit back and read this and I can go right back to the day I wrote it, the feelings I felt, the keyboard against my fingertips as I sit in my house in brandon, gma in the corner watching some crappy lifetime show. I'm going to start looking for a house in Tampa I believe, I want a dog, a fenced in yard. Labs are kinda stupid, but so much fun, so energetic. Holy shit, its almost 1 am, i need to get up at 6am becuz of the workload I have. At least I have the ability to hire someone, how great is that, but i have no workers for tomorrow, my sis who works with me usually every friday now has a job at a indoor flea market and I have no problem with that although she was the best worker I ever had, and steph my cousin, shes not good at all, and in fact, scares me when she uses my equipment, but as I learned when i switched sides from employee to employer, you can never truly understand the other side until you are there. I see now things I didn't when I worked for my unlce. He did soooo much for me, more than I can ever thank him for in getting me to start my own business, without his teachings, I wouldn't know what I do know, I would be working somewhere complaining because I would want to be on my own, yet now know how. I'm sidetracked again, I was trying to say how you look at the boss doing the easy work and complain about that and every little thing, yet when I'm the boss, do you think i do the harder work, no, that's what i pay someone for, i do help however because I don't forget where i came from, forgetting your roots is an evil mistake, people change, yet I write to not stay the same, but to remember as things were, remember my attitude and perspective at different times in different situations so as to not judge someone as wrong when I was probably thinking the same thing in their shoes. People get older and forget their childhood, not that i can't grow up, i have, but the fact that I can go back there is priceless. Is it not? I think that its invaluable. People get older and judge a generation by, what the hell are they thinking, when some of them did worse. Heck, luckily I have the greatest family in the world.> My grandma knows what we do and did the same. This is actually funny, I mean, i was a born again virgin, yet didn't tell everybody, I'm a guy, i gotta pretend i'm not here and there, and when she saw the hickey on my neck, the first question she asked what if i got laid. Its hilarious. I just told her, well if only you saw the claw marks in my back, lol. Now I'm back to sounding like a typical guy, but in essence I am. I won't change for anyone, I can compromise maybe, but I won't change who I am, and would never ask anyone else to change, maybe move, lol, yeah, I already asked that actually. Ok, I have to get up early, but for some reason I just really felt empowered to write tonight, perhaps because I've kept my thoughts bottled up and am getting some release. So good. lol. Throughout everything I've said, i do know I've found something and I'd be a fool to let it pass me by. I think you need more time, yet at the same time, how much is enough time, is there a short enough time, a minimum, a maximum. Lets skip the geometry, I'm going to bed. ;)
4/12/03
Yeah baby, guess who has cable internet. Things in life take time, but if you sit back and take a look at the grand scheme, things you want or desire enough do get done. Every day, I mean every single day, I hear someone say that something won't happen for them, or they won't get this/that done, etc. I argue the fact that anything is possible, in fact, I truly believe that if I were to leave here tomorrow and drive to California, I would be in a movie within a few months and my career would skyrocket. I have a connection right now actually, the casting director for 20th Century Fox. Why am I not in a major motion picture yet then..well, he set me up with an acting coach to improve in some areas and wanted to keep in contact via email. This was some time ago, I never went to the classes and was then embarrassed to email of course. Its my own doing. Anything I fail at, is my own doing, I don't mean to say that somethings arent out of my control, but I should have done what he helped me to do. I just reconnected with a very important modeling agent yesterday in Georgia who is good friends with Christian, the 20th Fox director and is going to get me back into the system. I'm going to start acting classes next week, my sister started and I'm going to get my rear in gear so to speak. I (fuck, just remembered I forgot to call someone about some work-i gotta go do that real quick!, k problem solved ;) As I was saying....I have really gotten motivated this past month and while helping my uncle who is in jail for the d.u.i. in his lawn service, I have built mine up to 6500/month. After overhead and labor, I'm making 52/yr net. Course I still have an entire day that I can add yards on and some time on Tuesday...and Monday when I quit going to Carrollwood, I need to centralize my work. I can also do more when I get the house closer to where I work everyday. Seems, I'll be able to branch off within the next few months, I'm about to get some apartments and I have yards that I can easily have another crew do. Yards that I never see the person or do much extra. That's the easy part, the hard part is getting a good worker to do that. Someone who won't try and backstab me and take the yards for themselves. I think the only way to go about this is to bid on large apartment complexes, airports, etc. I have my new worktruck about ready to go finally, I want to paint it though, I'm gonna paint it myself and learn to do that, I love to learn to do new things. Then I can save up for about two months and make a nice down payment on something nice, i still haven't decided what yet, but most likely, I'll be going to an auction with some of my richer friends and buy a porsche or ferrari. I know someone who bought a lamborghini for 68k and turned around and sold it for quite a lot more. I don't have 68k yet, that would take me two years to save at my current level, I know I'm going to go up, but it takes money to make money and I'll have to invest in new types of insurance and equipment. So much of my writing is self-assurance, lol. I'm getting very very hungry. Anything new in my life....lets see...still missing TTa, and I need to go workout. I'm going to start running tomorrow probably on bayshore, the longest sidewalk in the world, really pretty too. I think I'm going to buy a mountain bike tomorrow, been wanting one, just havn't made it to the store yet ;) I love cable, I would have been disconnected by now and I'm not even close to the deep intellectual analysis level yet, lol. Either way, I gotta eat, cya.
4/13/03
Gonna try to get more routine in my journal since I have better internet access and won't get frustrated when I get disconnected. I just reread some of my earlier things I wrote and had to change some stuff. Thing is do you really want to change stuff or just add, but I had no choice in this matter. I was reading what I wrote about my feelings about TTa and was misleading in a way, I had to read it like I didn't write it and I made it seem like all I wanted to see her for was to recreate Ft. Lauderdale, but I can't put a limit and say thats it. To be expressive, yet not definitive...that is the question, lol. I mean, God, I really can't explain it, but I really like her, I think about her a lot and I can't see anything wrong in that. I'm not looking for anythign to be wrong with that, in fact, I'm afraid to breach the subject, but I think that its a rare thing we found in each other, I'm not exactly sure, but I think she feels the same way that I do. It's a new feeling, usually I'm trying to do my best to make a girl like me or get to know her to get myself more interested, but here, I feel as though I have to be careful and not let her know that I would love to see this go further because I don't want to scare her away. Am I making sense, I'm usually so good at expressing myself, yet at the same time, I overanalyze sometimes and make things seem as if I have a different opinion. I need to be careful about that i suppose. As I said before though, I don't need to hide what I feel because I'm not going to play games, I never really liked games to be honest. Except Monopoly, lol. TTa inquired what my feelings were, I guess I'm so sarcastic all the time that its hard to draw the line where I'm sincere and not. I'll have to try a little harder to be clearer, lol. I told her about the journal today though, in a way, I'm unsure if I wanted her to read it, yet at the same time its on the net isn't it, lol. So the hell with it, I decided to let her inside my head a little, its a complex maze thats for sure. Probably a little confusing also, but clear enough to shed some light into my personality a little i suppose. I'm a little confused myself lately though so of course its going to transfer to my writing. I have to talk about a few other things, but I guess the bottom line is that I've never experienced anything like what i'm experiencing with her, and I want to allow the story to unfold so to speak because its 'quite nice' (said with a british accent lol)
I saw the move Basic today, god that was so good, it throws you around fifteen ways and when you finally think you have it figured out, nope, wrong again, so good. I can't wait till may 2nd for Xmen, and then the 15th for Matrix Reloaded, god what a great month, lol. I really love movies, one of my best interests, i mean think about it, I want to be an actor. lol. Course, i have the ability to fall into a movie or book and dissolve into that world. Not that I'm living it, but when I read a book, its like im not reading it anymore, but watching a story. Maybe that's why its hard for me to write my novel, I don't want to dissopoint myself, hmm....I really have to stop being a perfectionist, luckily I'm an easygoing person and can compromise with myself, lol. Its not as bad as it sounds I guess, because I'm so much better than I used to be, but in occasional things I suppose, i just want to be able to do better than others. I guess that I told TTa about how I'm a competitor and had to get a grip on not doing so well on my first half of a bowling game, course that also sounds worse than it is, I mean, at first, i was frustrated because I wasn't doing well, not at the fact that I was losing, because I can be quite happy if I lose as long as I did well.. that point has to be taken into consideration. I remember when I was younger and hated so bad to lose, i mean I cried when I didnt' get first place in martial arts tournaments,etc. I got first quite often actually and probably because I was more driven, but I don't care about that so much now, I have matured, but everyone wants to win sometimes don't they, lol.
I'm gonna go and download some songs etc and make cd's ;)
In getting songs, I just came across Aladdin and ya know, I think that the song A whole New world explains everything. TTa once asked me what I think the future holds, and I told her that we're going to go over, under, and sideways on a magic carpet ride and she better hold on tight. ...I'm not sure yet, but I have doubts that it will run out of gas ;)
4/24/03
Man, when was the last time I wrote, i have to check the date. Been to long I tell ya, I've had the most frustrating day ever. Its not easy to have one of those I just have an urge to quit days and try and be support for others. It just isn't. I think of myself as one of the happy-go-luckiest people around, but everyone has a bad day. It got to the point that I was about to do my last yard of the day and if that guy would have came out to talk to me, even to say hi, i would have fired him. I don't like customers that come out to talk to me too much, granted I need communication here and there, but sometimes you need to stay your happy ass in the house. This is going to be me venting today, gotta do it here and there, lol. See, already feeling better. I mean, last week a customer started telling me about their god damn hemorhiods or however you spell it and I almost smacked em and asked what the hell are they thinking. I guess I don't have to worry about job security, but god damn what does a guy have to go through here. To start with, my equipment hates me this week, my truck is starting to act up, which is not the time, I have to make sure I pick up TTa so I'm going to go to the airport like two hours early just in case, I believe that the connection is just a little bad, the terminals are getting older, who knows, but I swear that if my truck tries to not start on me, I'm gonna push it off a cliff and collect insurance. But there is one fail safe problem to my plan thereby preventing me from doing something stupid, there are no cliffs around here, lol. I'm going to get if fixed tomorrow whatever it takes, I'll get a new battery and terminals and whatever else I need. I worked my ass off today so that I would be done and home by noon tomorrow because of that. My radio pause button stuck on the radio and I thought that I would have to get a new one, then my trailer tire goes flat, but ya know what, I didn't let that get me down, by this time I already accepted the 'shit happens' attitude that gets me through any problem, lol. I went through 3 cans of fix a flat and a tire repair kit by the time I got it fixed, but ya know what, I was proud of myself, I got it fixed and still did one more yard. I'm very...well can be very intellectuall, most would say book smart, and the common sense I had to buy, but its proving to be a good investment with increasing returns so a lot of things I'm naive about, but what good would life be if there wasn't anything to learn. At least i don't think I'm a know-it-all. I know people like that. You just wanna kick em sometimes. Anyway, everything works out if you just sit back and think about it. TTa was letting me know her problems today and I don't want her to think I don't want to listen, I like talking to her in whatever she says, I'll always be there for ya babe ;)
Ya know what made my day today, I was leaving the entrance to the place where my last yard was and I saw two parent cranes with two little ones walking through a yard. I sat back and watched em for probably three minutes, it was awe inspiring how beautiful the animals were and how graceful they were, and how the little ones bounded along behind the parents. They cut a path across the yard looking for food and heading to the pond. Makes you stop and think how people are tearing up the world they live in and that brought a tear to my eye. I'm way to damn sentimental. yay, i get to see TTa tomorrow, that'll make the rest of my week. I'm gonna have to do some analytical thinking this weekend, apparently she has to write a paper on religion, I wonder if she can use the thesis that reconciles God's will to Free will. I found that and I think it would share good insight. Either way, I think I can handle it. i just did my cousins homework, he had to draw something for art class and gave me the specifications of a dragon eating someone and a castle, now of course, I love to draw and needed to be pushed to do it. I'm glad though, it gave me a reason to get my ass to the drawing table, I told him I would do the sketch of it, but I went a little overboard, if doesn't get an A+, hes getting referred to honors art or something, lol, but then I'll have to do the rest or he'll be found out. Makes me wonder, doesn't he draw things in class, the teacher would know that he didn't draw it, oh well, his tough luck if so, lmao. Thinking about that boy getting in trouble puts a smile on my face, is that wrong, hell no, lol. You have to know the demon child to understand, and it would probably only take you two minutes to figure it out. I don't think I'm working Monday. I've been thinking about hiring a full time worker for myself, I started my business for a flexible schedule and I do have that, but its starting to get harder because I'm so good at what I do that the work doesn't stop coming in and I'm money hungry so I accept it. You could call it bragging, but besides my uncle who taught me what I know and is the best at lawn service from anyone I've ever seen doing it, I'm second without a doubt. I'm taking lawns from friends because they get tired of their service at want estimates from me, I don't underbid or anything like that, in fact I can now raise my prices because I'm making a very good name for myself and people are willing to pay for the work if they know its going to be done right. My uncle rick is looking ot go into the work for himself so I'm going to help him out and probably give him about 600/month in yards. You get tired of some after a while. I might just offer him 450/week to help me with my yards and enable myself to take days off whenever I want for the hell of it. Take a week of if I want and give him a bonus type of thing. He ran the show when bobby went to jail for a month and did a damn good job at it and they pay only 375/week and make more than i do, i think bobby grossed 115k last year, I should make that next year, but I need to make some smart business decisions this year to jump 40k. Just by filling up Wednesday, I'll go up 15k. I need to start replacing cheaper yards for the yards that pay more and take the same amount of time. That comes with time though.
Either way, every minute is a minute closer to seeing the woman of my dreams...yep, I dreamed about her twice last week. I was scared for a while, I have a notion that for a girl to be the woman of my dreams, I have to dream about her. I found this paper that is a checklist for what she needs to have, its funny, I have a scoring system, I need to go and find it again, I put it somewhere a few weeks ago cuz I didn't even dream about her yet and that was a part of it so I just put it up. Now I'm not saying that she couldn't be if I didn't dream about her, that would be an unrealistic idealism, but it helps, lol. I'm tired as hell, got up to early today and getting up too early tomorrow, but when i get everything done I need to do, I'm gonna take a nap, need the beauty rest lol.
Thank you TTa for the motivation to start writing again, I love you so much!
This is an email I sent to her explaining my current situation, but I should log it all so that I can analyze my rate or progression or regression as I battle this beast of beasts.....Girl,
how am i coping with being 23...my god, how am i coping with getting close to 24, I look back on my life and say 24, its not old, but...it is, my i mean, i was 4 years old when my parents were my age, thats screwy. Girl, I owe you all the honesty in the world, yes, I feel very much like I should have my life in order, some responsiblity, and I havn't found a girl like you around here, because you're not here, your in KS, or whatever the initials are for the state, lmao. I don't want to make a list of what is bugging me, holy crap, I could write a book, as for my book, I havn't wrote a page in forever...I've been stuck in a standstill watching things fall apart and sitting by thinking about fixing things one day, but that day hasn't come around yet, its crazy i tell ya, but girl-
You are appreciated- Do I show it, no, I don't, did I tell you that I had a dream about you last week, I can't remember it right now, but thats the way dreams go, but it was good, I know that much, and it also solodifies you as the girl of my dreams, hehe.
I really am in one of the most confused state of minds I have ever been in, I need something, anything to set my mind straight, I have no goals right now that I'm trying to reach, everything is on hold indefinitely, I need motivation and can't seem to find it, then again, I'm not really looking even though I know I need it, I have the capability to understand the situation I'm in, so I know its not hopeless, yet in that feeling where I know its not hopeless I seem to find comfortability in that fact that I am not in dire straights so I don't need to worry about it, and in not worrying about it, I fall into more apathy and confusion, my god its a vicious cycle, and even as I write this, I'm thinking about how I can control my life in an instant if I wish, yet I don't wish it, I just sorta want it, I need something, I don't kwow what it is, but something to make me want to get things going.....am I making any sense...perhaps only to myself, but I plan to change everything before my vacation is over....12 days to get my head out of my ass....it begins today.....yes, its a new thing i'm going to start....'do it now, cuz tomorrow ain't promised today'
I'm going to get away from florida for a few days, we're making plans to hit up New Orleans since my friend was there and says that the clubs don't close...that's what I'm talking about....but I'll be stuck in this blissful unhappiness until then... ;)
I can't begin to help you understand why our instincts cause us to feel this way, but it has to be instincts cuz we're missing something....
much love,
chris
1/8/04
OH MY FUCKING GOD, i'm drunk, def. not sober and life just smacked me upside the damn head....how do i deal with this, can i just let it subside...FUCK NO I WONT ALLOW IT, but i wont let nichole know about this... I wasn't there for her, my sister, when she was younger, but can i blame myself, i wasn't very old, i didn't want to believe it, can i blame myself for that, my god, i wont, but then again...god...why would you let that happen to someone...I won't discuss it here, I know in my own mind what occurred, and i shouldn't even write it here, but i'm at a friends, drinking, and i need to vent somewhere, I will be there for her no matter what now, tears streaming down my face, I will be there for my sister untill the end of time, without family what do you have, do i care if someone knows that, they should know that, shes so mature, so wise...only 13, a girl shouldn't have to grow old so quickly, it isn't right, but then everything doesn't go according to plan, things happen, but in that time so long ago, i didn't believe it, her, did i push dow her beliefs, times are about to change, i found some motivation in life, my little sister is going to have a better life, a life person deserves, you have to say what you think, if you can't do that, then what type of person are you, just had to have my eyes opened, but now they're opened, only 13, but smarter than a kid, shes not a kid, not a little girl, my god, i am thankful that i have finally realizd it,
she wants whats best for me, cindy is the one whos so naive its ridiculous, but what can ya do, lol,
my mom, can't keep a secret for fucking nothing, sorry to cuss, but man, that's upsetting, lol, alright, i'm conveersing with nichole right now and she doesnt realize that i'm writing about her, so you have to start somewhere and now is the time, I'm about to livmy life to the fullest, i've been so naive, so naive, but times are changing and I'd rather die on my feet, than live on my knees!!!!!!!!!!!!!
7/20/04
Wow, have I simply forgot how to write or do I simply lack the necessary motivation. That has to stop here and now as my vernacular ability, if thats even the correct word for writing knowledg/ability, deteriorates and erodes to the point at which I can only mutter and stammer and wonder whats wrong with my life without the cognizant ability to perceive it all. Yes, that was an entire paragraph of bs, one skilled in the arts of bs must always keep their head above the ever increasing pile to avoid drowning in a deep abyss of nothingness. The real reason that I'm writing, I need to start jotting this all down. You only live once and time goes by way to fast. There are things that I cannot currently write in here, those will have to be put into a more personal journal, yet I rarely write in their either. Lets go back to TTa. I had such an infatuation with that girl so long that I wasn't able to develop feelings for others, I didn't allow myself to and I didn't realize that until a month or so ago. I dated Brandy for about a month, the girl fell in love with me, but I never meant to be so cold. Just the way it is. I couldn't figure out why I couldn't develop feelings, i wanted to because she was a good girl. I sometimes can be vain, but I try to look for the deeper part of someone. 24, is that an age where you start to ponder life, no, that's not significant, one always ponders life no matter what stage you are in, but at the same time, an increasing age matters as every birthday comes and goes, every day you get older and you're not getting that day back, you better get used to it, until i invent the time machine which can't be done because the hardest part will be sustaining ones life while travelling at such a high speed. Ok, enough with age and mortality, gotta get back to other things. My book....coming along very very slowly. Just wrote the first chapter and not liking it. You know i'm such a damn perfectionist, I need to reanalyze it all...the story line itself, i'll have to break down into more sectors...as if I'm writing a psychological ...umm...can't remember the word...outline. I'm getting old. That I will complete this month. I'll start working on that later today. This week will be rough, its rained for four days straight and now I have so much work to make up. If the rain stops long enough to take a breath, I can do sidework while others work. I'm going to have to work in the rain, I've been slacking, but honestly, it has to be done or some people are going to get upset. I've already had a few calls and losing money here. Not something I need right now as my jetski slips further and further away from my hands and the windown in the mercedes was broken last night. Why is it that when you make more money, everyone comes out of the woodwork and wants some, its draining me mentally. I have always been way too nice, that's about to start changing though, I'm 24, business only making 120k a year and I don't even own a damn house. That's fucking pathetic. Really pathetic, I used to make goals for myself, used to be able to make all of them. I seem to have lost my focus and drive lately. I'm just amblin along on the accolades I've thus far created for myself, albeit far better than the majority of the population, but that's not important here. What gives a person the drive to succeed...it is mind over matter in this damn world and if you don't keep that in your sights you can lose it. Can you lose it forever, that scares me, but I don't think that's a possibility. Its like the idea that if you believe you can walk on water, truly believe, than you could, but you're born ingrained with the knowledge that you cannot and therefore you will never overcome such a wall, such an impenetrable boundary, without the sheerest willpower of the gods. David blaine who can levitate....classic example. So I don't honestly think I can levitate, but I know full well, that if I stop being afraid of the future, I will be able to sit down, make a plan of action, get the crews I want started, and start living off the business I've worked so hard to create instead of letting it sit idle where a disaster could ruin me or hurt me, we can't have that, I need to get ahead of the game. Its time, I'm almost 24 and going to get that plan of action tonight. I remember getting a business before I was 21, that was a great goal...then I took a year to build bigger and better, than I wanted a crew by 23. I failed...Can I start another by 24...one month, Unfortunately I need to start saving more collateral and capital to afford it all, so I will make a plan with objectives to complete each month, not a ambiguous goal like i have been making lately....a one year goal..that doens't work...a month by month goal...yes....not only will this happen, i will have my jetski soon and a house within a year as well! One must start somewhere and I keep saying that because I know it, but don't follow it, its time to follow it, I know that I usually can write a lot, but I'm out of practice right now. Blake has a magazine hes trying to start, writing everything himself...I don't know how good of an idea that is, some readers will find different articles that attract them to the magazine and different writers perspectives will be needed. I need to get back in shape, it is like exercising, the more you write, the better you get, and perhaps I could write a few things for him. Perhaps not, there's a lot in my life that I need to focus on again and start learning, I've been out of focus and empathetic so damn long that I can't go on that way. If you say that you need it, you become dependent, and then without it, you can't focus. So i'm going to go watch some tv at Pauls, nice new place in Westbrook. Very nice, pool party next weekend> Saw bourne supremacy last night, very good movie, not as good as the first, didn't like the way she died, but it was ok. Have to talk about Shelly too, but that's gonna take a while ;)
Rules to live by:
Don't smoke
Don't do 90 on a highway with a speed limit of 55
Email Me
Run Away from any and all killer bunnies, they are ferocious and will eat you...oh yes, and always remember that donkeys kill more people annually than those that die in plane wrecks so Run Away from any and all killer donkeys, they are ferocious and will eat you ;p
6/14/06
P.S. I LOVE YOU BABY!
Thats for Olya, my one true love!
I fell in love, when I look back at my life and all Ive been through, certain things stand out and show themselves to be more important. A life with someone you love is so much more important that a nice car, money, an illness, I mean, love makes life worth living. I thought I used to be in love, but I wasn't. Not like this. Never like this. Thank you God!
I mean, I used to wonder how people who were sick or paralyzed like my step brother, etc could find someone, but love is what makes it possible and they can spend the rest of their lives together happier. Thank you again God for this great gift.
