One day there was a boy born unto this land in a place far far away called Doncaster. Though this boy was sleight of heart, this was soon to change.
For a while this boy grew as normal until he was about three when suddenly his chin and face began to sprout hair. Every day the boy's beard grew more rapidly
until eventually his friends became jealous of his facial bouffant and plotted to destroy this marvel of nature for all eternity.
His friends would creep up on Kishon's beard and attack it with vicious blows with scissors and knives,
but still his beard survived and became more powerful until eventually nothing could affect it and it reigned supreme.
And that is how THE LEGEND OF KISHONS BEARD came about. If anyone would like to e-mail the mighty Kishon or his beard, his e-mail address is:
Kishon.Mather@uwe.ac.uk
An Interview with Kishon's Beard
It's 2:30am on a Thursday morning. We have managed to track down and
interview the elusive KISHON'S BEARD!!!
PICTURED RIGHT:
PHOTO-REALISTIC
IMPRESSION
OF KISHON
AND HIS
FAMOUS BEARD
Interviewer Type Bloke: So Kishon's Beard,
why have you been trying to hide yourself?
Kishon's Beard: Eh what?
ITB: Why have you been refusing all interviews with the press, never appearing on national TV and what happened to that speed garage single you were supposed to be doing with Craig David?
KB: I dunno man! I've been under a lot of stress recently, y'know. It's not easy being the world's largest and most famous beard...
ITB: (in disbelief) APART FROM RORY MCGRATH'S!
KB: Rory McGrath? His beard's a total sellout. It's only in it for the money these days and doesn't give a shit what the kids think!
Kishon: (To his Beard) Look shuttup will you! I'm trying to get to sleep!
ITB: Tell us about your plan for world domina--
KB: Ah! Yes my plan for TOTAL WORLD DOMINATION!!! HA! HA! HA! HA! (laughs hysterically for about 2 hours). Let me tell you about my plan for TOTAL WORLD DOMINATION! Firstly I will grow to the size of the entire world and plunge every innocent man and woman into a LIFE OF HAIRY DARKNESS!!!
Kishon: Will you shuttup! Honestly!
ITB: If you were given a kabillion pounds, what would you spend it on?
KB: Oh probably buy a nice big house and a car, a helicopter, lots of ice-cream, a really expensive telly, beer, women, a Sony Playstation with all the games, nine rabid monkeys, a cage, some food for the rabid monkeys, a gun to shoot them with if ever they try to attack me, a chainsaw, some anusol cream, my own gardener, a large--
Kishon: This is getting f***ing ridiculous! Why am I the only person on this Earth to own a living talking beard!!! Everything banal happens to me!
KB: SHUTTUP! You obviously do not understand my power!
Kishon: That's it I'm gonna shave you off.
KB: IMPERIOUS WRETCH!!! You obviously do not realise that scissors and razors only help me to grow back LONGER and STRONGER!!! You will only be helping me in my quest for COMPLETE WORLD DOMINATION!!!
(Sound of electric lawnmower revving up)
Kishon: Haha! I've got you now beard!
KB: Oh no! NOOOO!!!!
(Sound of a beard being mutilated!)
Kishon: HA! That'll teach you. And I vow never to stop shaving you megalomaniacal bastard!
