My eyes jerk open with a start. What is it that has awakened me? Staring out into the darkness, I listen for any noise that might tell me that the cause of my terror is near. I slowly make my way to my feet. My heart is pounding in my chest, making it hard to breathe normally. I am rasping, almost panting for air. I must stay calm…calm… Don't panic. I sniff the air for any sign of him.
I tense my body. Something doesn't smell right. With a sudden rush of emotion, I loose control. Not again…I don't want to be that panic-stricken animal again…
With a shriek: "MACAVITY!!"
Staring out at the world from my eyes is like being stuck in a place where everyone is out to get you.
I back away from the comforting arms that try to hold me…glance from one face to another…They don't understand. Can't understand. How could they? Their words sail over my head…
"Shh, it's alright."
"Demeter; no one's here."
"Calm down…you're safe."
No. I can smell him. He smells like my fear. My dread. My horror. He overwhelms me; fills me to the top with frightened desperation. I can't let down my guard - or he will come. I can't think of my past - for he is there. I can't dream of my future - because he *is* my future. I'm scared - a deer caught in the headlights. Skittish - the slightest noise will frighten me senseless.
I have my control back now - the attack was a short one. Thank Bast. I refuse to speak to anyone, ignoring the sympathetic stares and voices. The pity. Bast, I hate the pity!
I push away, stumbling blindly out into the night.
"Mummy, what's wrong with her?" a small, shrill voice asks, her kittenish tone echoing thruout the night.
"Shhh, darling. She's just paranoid - she'll be alright."
The word cuts me like a knife. Paranoid. I remember now…I remember…
I stared out of the window, chewing lightly on a pinky-claw. He came to stand behind me. I turned, smiling slightly as the golden sunlight reflected off his beautiful ginger fur. In all the time I'd been here, he'd never harmed me. Dropping a kiss to my shoulder, he turned to me, smiling as well. "Nothing will happen, Empress. They will not attack. Don't be so paranoid!"
My smile faded and I whispered, "I'm not Empress….I am Demeter."
I whisper, "I'm not Demeter….I am Empress." With a strangled cry I lurch forward. I have to get out of here - it's not safe. It's too safe.
Munkustrap says he loves me. He is lying. I overheard him talking to Tugger:
"Who, Demeter? No! She's a paranoid freak!"
Paranoid. Am I really? No…maybe overly cautious - who wouldn't be if they had gone thru what I had? - but not paranoid…
CRACK
What's that? I look around. I don't know where I am anymore. Away from safety, yes. Away from danger, yes. A million thoughts whirl thru my head like a tornado - a mixed jumble of feelings and words.
Suddenly he appears in front of my, like a red shadow, slinking here and there, never appearing completely. His voice is rought with relief….
"Empress - I've found you at last."
He is insane. Or is he? I am not this Empress which he seeks - or am I? Perhaps it is I who is insane. Perhaps I *am* the Empress he speaks of.
But - just perhaps - I am Demeter.
He takes me into his arms, against my will. But what I can do to fight him? I whisper,
"What about the Jellicles?"
He chuckles softly, and slowly I realize that he is not going to let me go as easily this time.
"I have taken care of them. You always were paranoid, Empress." I opem my mouth in a long, silent howl of pain and confusion. I am not Empress! I am -
Paranoid -
Demeter -
No!
