Roger - Munkustrap
Mimi - Bombalurina
Benny - Tugger
Maureen - Rumpleteazer
Joanne - Demeter
Mark - Alonzo
Collins - Mungojerrie
Angel - Mistoffelees
The Waiter, a cop and others - Coricopat
Alison (Muffy), Mark’s Mom and others - Victoria
Alexi Darling, Roger’s Mom and others - Cassandra
Squeegeeman, Will I? Soloist and others - Plato
Bag Lady, Seasons Soloist #1 - Etcetera
Christmas Caroler, Seasons Soloist #2 - Admetus
The Man, Gordon and others - Macavity
Directed by - Skimbleshanks.
Director’s helper - Jemima
INTRODUCTION:
{The Jellicle Junkyard is silent as suddenly Munkustrap walks on and starts
tuning his guitar. He scowls at it, as Alonzo enters and sets up a camera.
All the cast enter and stand in the background.}
Alonzo (Mark): We begin on the eve of the Jellicle Ball, with me,
Mark, and my roommate Roger. We live in an industrial loft in the Jellicle
Junkyard, the top floor of what was once a catnip factory. We have a bunch of
old posters with Roger’s picture on them. We have an illegal wood-burning
stove {Tugger brings forward a metal garbage bin with graffiti on it and hands
it to Alonzo}. Outside a small cardboard box city has sprung up in the space
next to our building. Inside we are freezing; because {he smiles sarcastically}
we have no heat. {He turns the camera to Munkustrap} Smile!
TUNE UP #1:
{Pause} I don’t want to sing this. It’s stupid.
Jemima: Oh, just keep going with the blasted thing already!
Munkustrap (Roger): This guitar won’t tune.
Jemima: That comes LATER, you idiot!
Jellylorum: Jemima! Don’t swear dear, it isn’t nice.
Jemima: Yeah, yeah.
Alonzo: December 24th nine PM Eastern Standard Time, from here on
in I shoot without a script. See if anything comes of it instead of my old shi -
Jennyanydots: STOP! I absolutely forbid Alonzo to say that nasty
word!
Jemima: {sighs} Fine. {She scribbles something on a script and
hands it to
Alonzo}
Alonzo: See if anything comes of it, instead of my old crap.
{Jennyanydots faints}
Jemima: {giggles} Okay, she won’t be bothering us any more!
Alonzo: May I continue? Okay then! See if anything comes of it
instead of my old shit. First shot Roger, tuning the fender guitar he hasn’t
played in a year.
Munkustrap: This won’t tune.
Alonzo: So we hear! {He begins to giggle at Munkustrap’s attempts
to tune the guitar} He’s just gotten back from half a year of withdrawal.
Munkustrap: Are you talking to me?
Alonzo: Not at all.
Jennyanydots: Withdrawal from what?
Skimbleshanks: You don’t want to know!
Alonzo: The phone rings!
Jemima: No, you’re too early! Oh, stuff it. You’re on Victoria.
VOICE MAIL #1:
Victoria (Mark’s Mom): That was a very loud beep. I don’t even know if you
love me, Munkustrap, Munkustrap are you there, are you kissing that stupid ugly
Demeter, it’s Mom.
Jemima: It’s supposed to be "Are you screening your
calls", not "are you kissing Demeter!"
Victoria: So I added in a few lines.
Jemima: Just keep going!!
Victoria: We wanted to call and say I love you! And we’ll miss
you tomorrow. Cindy and the kids are here, send their love. Oh, I hope you like
the BBQ! Just don’t leave it on, dear, when you leave the house. Oh and Mark,
we’re sorry (but not really) to hear that Maureen dumped you, I say c’est la
vie. I always knew she was secretly a lesbian! Rumpleteazer’s not worth your
time anyway…. You could always have me instead! Love Mom!
Jemima: Argh! I give up!! Let’s skip forward to RENT.
Alonzo: Uh… Let’s not?
Munkustrap: Yeah. Can we just forget about it?
Jemima: No you may not. Get back to Tune Up #2.
Munkustrap: Aw, MAN!
TUNE UP #2:
Alonzo: So, Roger, smile for the camera. What are you up to?
Munkustrap: Well man, I’m trying to write this one great song
before I -
Alonzo: The phone rings.
Munkustrap: Yesss! And they say wishes don’t come true!
Mungojerrie (Collins): "Chestnuts roasting"
Alonzo and Munkustrap: Collins!
Mungojerrie: I’m downstairs.
Alonzo: Hey, I know that song!
Mungojerrie: Which song?
Alonzo: That carol you were singing.
Mungojerrie: Oh right. Throw down the keys, willya?
Alonzo: {Alonzo drops the keys. Etcetera grabs them and squeals.
Meanwhile, at stage right, Mungojerrie catches a set of keys that are dropped
down to him} A wild night is now pre ordained!
Coricopat (Mugger): Hey, you!
Mungojerrie: Uh.. Look, I may be detained, okay? See, I forgot to
pay my
bills and… {He drops the phone as he is mugged.} {Phone rings again}
Tugger: Ho ho ho! Look guys, I need the rent. See, Allison wants
all this stuff like a towtruck and I just can’t afford to… so anyway, pay
up.
Alonzo: Hey, wait a sec! You said we didn’t need to pay!
Munkustrap: Yeah, when you bought the building! You lived here,
remember?
Tugger: Of course. How’s Maureen?
Alonzo: She dumped me.
Tugger: For another guy?
Munkustrap: No, for another woman.
Tugger: Hey, don’t make fun of me it’s not nice.
Munkustrap: {Starts to grin at Alonzo} No, I was being serious,
actually,
her name’s Joanne. {Hits Alonzo on the shoulder and laughs at him.}
Tugger: Man, am I glad I moved when I did! Guys, pay up or I’m
evicting you. See you soon.
Munkustrap: Don’t you hate ultimatums?
RENT:
Munkustrap: Uh… Jemima?
Jemima: Yes?
Munkustrap: We sort of… didn’t learn this song.
Jemima: oh, is that so?
Alonzo: Yeah, so can we skip it?
Jemima: {screams in frustration.} RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT.
‘CAUSE
EVERYTHING IS RENT!
Alonzo: What was that for?
Jemima: I was singing the song for you. MISTOFFELEES AND
MUNGOJERRIE,
YOU’RE ON!!
YOU OKAY HONEY?:
Mistoffelees (Angel): You okay honey?
Mungojerrie: Sure. No lasting wounds.
Mistoffelees: {flustered} Uhh. Oh yeah. Did the muggers get any
money?
Mungojerrie: Nah. But they stole my sunglasses and coat. Hey, cool
Christmas tree.
Mistoffelees: I’m Angel.
Mungojerrie: {laughing} Angel? As if!
Jemima: MUNGOJERRIE!
Mungojerrie: Okay, okay. Angel? Indeed. An angel of the first
degree. Friends call me Collins. Tom Collins. Want to go to a cool meeting for
cats with AIDS tonight?
Mistoffelees: Sure, I’m not doing much else. Oh, but we have to
go via my place, I have to get dressed up in really cool drag first.
Mungojerrie: Cool.
Jemima: Will I ever learn? Okay, Bombalurina and Munkustrap, get
ready, it’s time for the Light my Candle number!
Munkustrap: You’re going to skip Glory? That’s the best song in
the whole show!
Jemima: Uh… Oops?
TUNE UP #3:
Munkustrap: Where are you going?
Alonzo: {Waves his jacket} Maureen calls.
Munkustrap: {Smiles sarcastically} You are such a sucker.
Alonzo: Oh, I don’t suppose YOU’D like to see her show in the
lot tonight, or come to dinner?
Munkustrap: Grab that camera of yours and zoom in on my empty
wallet.
Alonzo: Man, ever since Demeter gave you AIDS and slit her wrists
in the bathroom you’ve been so hard to get along with. Take your AZT.
{Munkustrap grabs the bottle and takes a tablet. He grabs a bottle of water as
Alonzo continues} I’ll check up on you later. Change your mind? You have to
get out of the house. {Munkustrap ignores him. Alonzo exits.}
ONE SONG GLORY:
Munkustrap: {Munkustrap tries to play Musetta’s Waltz on the guitar and cracks
up laughing}. It’s no good; I’ll never be able to play guitar! All I want to
do is write one lousy song before I go… One song. That’s all. One blaze of
glory, one last refrain, one song to leave behind. Is that asking so much? Time
flies. Oh yeah, time dies. ONE BLAZE OF GLORY! All I want is to find one song.
And I can’t even do that! One song!
Jemima: We get the picture.
Munkustrap: Time flies - and then no need to endure anymore {He
sighs}. Time dies {Knocking is heard}. The door.
LIGHT MY CANDLE:
Munkustrap: {Goes to the door} What’d you forget?
Bombalurina (Mimi): Got a light?
Munkustrap: I know you, you’re…hey, you’re shivering. Can I
get you anything?
Bombalurina: Oh, it’s nothing they just turned off my heat and
I’m a tad weak on my feet. Would you light my candle?
Munkustrap: Nah can’t be stuffed.
Bombalurina: What are you staring at?
Munkustrap: Nothing. Your fur in the moonlight. Since when did you
dye it pink? It looks cool. Hey, you really do look familiar. Can you make it?
Bombalurina: I just haven’t eaten today. At least the room’s
stopped spinning. What the hell are you looking at?
Munkustrap: Nothing! Your smile reminded me of -
Bombalurina: Typical. Can’t forget my sister for long enough, can
you?
Jemima: Ah hem!
Bombalurina: Okay, okay. I always remind people of. Who is she?
Munkustrap: She died. Her name was Demeter.
Bombalurina: {blows candle out} Oh, would you look at that! It’s
out again. Sorry about your friend. Would you light my candle? {She exits, then
knocks again}. Hey, I think I dropped my stash.
Jennyanydots: Stash of what?
Bombalurina: Uh… Definitely not drugs!
Jennyanydots: Good girl.
Munkustrap: I know I’ve seen you out and about - when I used to
go out.
Bombalurina: I know I had it, is it on the floor? {She crawls
around with her back to Munkustrap. He turns around and gets full view of her
rear end}.
Munkustrap: Uh... the floor?
Bombalurina: They say I have the best a - {Jennyanydots coughs} -ss
below
14th street. Is it true? You’re staring again.
Munkustrap: Oh no. I mean, you do have a nice {he pauses for a long
time and keeps looking} - I mean, you look familiar.
Bombalurina: Like your dead girlfriend? {Demeter rushes on}
Demeter: I’m NOT dead, and you’re in serious trouble
Munkustrap!
Jemima: Better cut this one short, I think!
Munkustrap: Wait! We have to get to the cool bit!
Demeter: But… but…
Munkustrap: Come on Dem, go back to being Joanne.
Demeter: Okay. {She exits}
Munkustrap: Why don’t you forget that stuff? You look like
you’re 16!
Bombalurina: I’m 19! But I’m old for my age; I’m just born to
be bad.
Munkustrap: I was born to be bad once. I used to shiver like that.
Bombalurina: I have no heat, I told you!
Munkustrap: Sure. And I used to sweat.
Bombalurina: I got a cold {She turns away from him}.
Munkustrap: Uh -huh. I used to be a junkie.
Bombalurina: Just WHAT are you accusing me of?
Skimbleshanks: Let’s skip to Mistoffelees’ cool song.
Jemima: I wish everyone would stop saying "cool" all the
time.
{Exotica runs on with a piece of cloth}
Exotica: Hey Jemima, what do you think of this for Misto’s
costume?
Jemima: Hey that’s really cool!
{Munkustrap reaches onto the ground and picks up the stash}
Munkustrap: Hey, here it… um…
Bombalurina: You found it?
Munkustrap: Nope, it was a candy bar wrapper. {He puts it in his
pocket}.
Bombalurina: Sure. Whatever. {She dives for his pocket, but
misses.} Well, we could always light the candle. {Munkustrap points to
something. When she turns to look, he blows the candle out.} Hey, what the hell
do you think you’re doing to my candle? Light it again right now!
Munkustrap: Can’t. That was my last match.
Bombalurina: Oh that’s just so typical!
Munkustrap: I’m Roger.
Bombalurina: They call me Mimi.
Munkustrap: Who’s "they?"
Bombalurina: Oh, everyone at the Cat Scratch Club. That’s where I
dance, I dance. Gotta go. {Before she leaves she grabs the stash out of his
pocket}.
VOICE MAIL #2:
Plato: Hey Joanne, this is your father.
Etcetera: And mother!
Plato: We won’t be home so don’t ring. Bye.
TODAY 4 U:
{Mungojerrie enters the loft where Munkustrap and Alonzo are sitting.}
Mungojerrie: Hey guys! Here’s some firewood and alcohol.
Munkustrap: Oh hi.
Mungojerrie: ‘Oh hi’ after seven months?
Munkustrap: Sorry.
Mungojerrie: This Jellicle could use some Stoli!
Jennyanydots: Over my dead body!
Jemima: Mum… either shut up, or get out!
Jennyanydots: Well I never! {She leaves}.
Mungojerrie: You guys coming to the Life Café after Maureen’s
show?
Munkustrap: No flow! Duh!
Mungojerrie: Meet our saviour. Angel Dumott Schunard!
{Mistoffelees enters, wearing a great drag costume that I can’t
describe... but it’s cool}.
All: Cool!
Mistoffelees: Here’s $500 for you, and $500 you.
Munkustrap: You earned this on the street?
Mistoffelees: It was my lucky day today on Avenue A, when a Persian
in a limousine drove my way, she said "Darling, be a dear, haven’t slept
in a year, I need your help to make my neighbour’s yappy dog disappear. This
Akita, Evita, just won’t shut up!" -
Alonzo: Hey, I know Evita. She’s a real bitch.
{The entire cast groans at his pun}
Mistoffelees: May I continue? "Just won’t shut up. I believe
if you play (drums, that is,) non-stop that pup will breathe its very last
high-strung breath. I’m certain that she’ll simply bark herself to
death."
Jemima: Sorry Misto, we have to cut it short.
Mistoffelees: Okay, okay. So she said she’d pay me $1000 and then
Evita
jumped off the 21st storey after an hour of listening to my playing.
YOU’LL SEE:
{Tugger enters}
Tugger(Benny): I’m so cool, I don’t need to sing this dumb
song.
Jemima: Oh my! Tugger was perfectly cast! Whoever decided he should
be Benny deserves a medal!
Skimbleshanks: Uh… you decided that.
Jemima: So I did! Yay me!
Tugger: Now then guys, here’s the deal. You pay me all the rent
you owe me, that I said you didn’t have to pay, or you’re evicted.
Munkustrap: What?
Tugger: Or, you can take my second option.
Alonzo: Which is...?
Tugger: Not as much fun as the first. Convince Maureen to cancel
her show. I don’t like protests against me.
Munkustrap: {sarcastically} Gee, I wonder why?
Alonzo: Why not just get an injunction, or call the cops?
Tugger: I did, and they’re on standby, but my investors would
rather I
handle this quietly.
Munkustrap: You can’t just quietly wipe out an entire cardboard
box city and
then watch "It’s a Wonderful Life" on TV!
Tugger: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Those are your options. Seeya. {He
exits}
Mistoffelees: Anyone coming to the Life Support meeting tonight?
Alonzo: First I have to save Maureen’s protest.
Mistoffelees: Roger?
Munkustrap: I’m not much company, you’ll find.
Mistoffelees: Oh, he’ll join us later. You’ll see.
TANGO: MAUREEN:
Alonzo: And so into the abyss. The lot. Where a small stage is partially set up.
Demeter (Joanne): Line in. I went to Harvard for this?
Alonzo: Close on Mark’s nosedive.
Demeter: Line out.
Alonzo: Will he get out of here alive?
Demeter: Mark?
Alonzo: Hi!?
Demeter: I TOLD Maureen not to call you. I went to Harvard you
know, I think I can make this microphone work. Anyway, I hired an engineer
already.
Alonzo: Great! Well, nice to have met you.
Demeter: Wait! She’s three hours late. Look, the samples won’t
delay, but the cable -
Alonzo: There’s another way. Say something in the mike. Anything!
Demeter: Test…one…two…three {She looks proud of herself}.
Alonzo: Anything but… that. {He does Justin Smith’s little
thumbs up motion. If you haven’t seen Justin perform, the best I can describe
it is a really fake grin while giving the thumbs up sign with both hands, and
moving his hands forward and up. Try it!}
Demeter: This is weird.
Alonzo: It’s weird
Demeter: Very weird
Alonzo: you’re telling me!
Jemima: What, you chickened out Alonzo? Didn’t want to say the
real line?
Alonzo: I’d just like to live to be Jellicle leader, is all,
Jemima!
Jemima: Fine, whatever! Munkustrap will be leader before you,
anyway.
Demeter: I’m fighting with microphones, freezing down to my bones
and to top it all off, I’m stuck with a two timer like you!
Alonzo: I bet you just want to kill Maureen, don’t you?
Demeter: No. I love her, I hate you.
Alonzo: Come on, she dumped me last month!
Demeter: You men are all the same.
Alonzo: Has she ever called you… {He puts on a baby face and half
squeaks} Pookie?
Demeter: Ew! Never!
Alonzo: Even so, face it Joanne, she has power over you, just like
she did over me. Want to tango?
Demeter: I guess. {They dance}
Alonzo: And where did you learn to tango?
Demeter: With the French Ambassador’s daughter in her dormroom at
Miss Porter’s. And you?
Alonzo: Uh… Must we go there?
Demeter: We must.
Alonzo: Fine. With Nanette Himmelfarb, the Rabbi’s daughter at
the Scarsdale Jewish Community Centre.
Demeter: You’re Jewish?
Alonzo: Duh.
Demeter: You get that.
Alonzo: You do. So you see, I know what it’s like.
Demeter: Yeah, I guess you do. She cheated!
Alonzo: She cheated.
Demeter: Maureen CHEATED!
Alonzo: Yeah, she did. Hey, try the microphone!
Demeter: My Maureen (een, een, een)
Alonzo: Patched!
Demeter: Thanks.
Alonzo: You know, I feel great now!
Demeter: I feel lousy.
{The payphone rings and Alonzo grabs it. After a short fight,
Demeter grabs it off him.} Hi Honey, we’re… Pookie? You never call me Pookie!
{She looks at Alonzo, who’s smiling and looking very pleased with himself.}
Oh, forget it. We’re patched. {She slams the phone down}
Both: The Tango: Maureen!
LIFE SUPPORT:
Mistoffelees: Hi, I’m Angel.
Everyone: Hi Angel.
Jemima: Jeez guys! This isn’t an AA meeting!!
{Alonzo rushes in}
Alonzo: Hey all I’m Mark.
Coricopat(Paul): Hey Mark, I’m Paul. Let’s keep going.
Macavity (Gordon): *Note: if you’ve never seen RENT live, Gordon
is an incredibly wimpy looking guy. The opposite of Macavity. * Excuse me Paul,
I’m having a problem. I don’t like this song.
Coricopat: All right. But how do you feel today?
Macavity: Is this a trick question?
Coricopat: Well? How do you feel?
Macavity: Just peachy thanks!
Coricopat: Then why choose fear?
Macavity: I’m a New Yorker? I have no imagination.
*Note: Sorry to any New Yorkers, that wasn’t personal! *
Jemima: That’s IT! Next song!
OUT TONIGHT (Mimi’s Apartment, although she spends an awful lot of the song
hanging off railings…):
Bombalurina: Is my song on now?
Jemima: Yes! And make it short!
Bombalurina: I want to go do some fun stuff that shows I’m born
to be bad.
Jemima: That’s it?
Bombalurina: Well, you said you wanted it to be short.
Jemima: Argh!
Bombalurina: Okay, okay. What’s the time? Well it’s gotta be
close to midnight. My body’s talking to me, it says time for danger! It says I
wanna put on blue spandex and flirt like there’s no tomorrow! You wanna play,
let’s run away, we won’t be back before it’s Christmas Day! Take me out
tonight! Meow! Let’s go out tonight! Have to go out tonight! You’re sweet
wanna hit the street, wanna wail at the moon like a
Jemima: That’ll be all Bomby. Run into the loft to Munkustrap
already!
Bombalurina: Okay, okay! Please take me out tonight! Don’t
forsake me! Out tonight! I’ll let you make me! Out tonight! Tonight! Tonight!
ANOTHER DAY:
Munkustrap: Who do you think you are? Barging in on me and my guitar. Little
girl hey, the door is that way, you’d better go, you know the fire’s out
anyway. Take your powder, take your candle. Your sweet whisper I just can’t
handle!
Demeter: right on!!
Bombalurina: Don’t you see? There’s only us, there’s only
this. Forget regret or life is yours to miss. No other road, no other way. No
day but today.
Munkustrap: Excuse me if I’m off track. But if you’re so wise
then tell me, what do you need smack?
Bombalurina: now THAT was a low blow. I’m out of here.
WILL I? (Various Locations)
Jemima: Quick! We’re losing the audience!
{Gus, Jennyanydots (who has returned), Jellylorum, Deuteronomy and
the kittens that aren’t performing are all asleep}.
Plato: Will I lo -
Jemima: Right, we’re skipping the sad stuff.
Bombalurina: Why?
Jemima: Because I say so!!
Plato: But the only GOOD solo I get in the whole thing is Will I?
and I want to sing it!!
Jemima: NO! Go grab your squeegee and get ready for Christmas
Bells.
Plato: Not fair. {He walks out, sulking}.
ON THE STREET:
Mistoffelees: How about we cut to my song with Mungojerrie?
Jemima: good idea!!
Etcetera: Wait!!
Jemima: What is it?
Etcetera: You missed the Bag Lady!
Jemima: But we don’t have…. {she glances at Jennyanydots} Oh
no! We can’t
miss that!
Alonzo: So, what do I do?
Etcetera: Just pretend to film me { she scowls at him}. Hey you!
What the hell do you think you’re doing? I don’t need no damn help from some
bleeding heart.. ow!
Jemima: What? What is it?
Etcetera: I think I sprained my ankle.
Jemima: Well sit down then. We need someone else to take over this
part. How about.. Jennyanydots?
Jennyanydots: Well, goodness me, I don’t know if I could
possibly..
Jemima: Of course you can. Here’s the script. Go for it!
Jennyanydots: Well.. {she puts on the Bag Lady outfit and glares at
Alonzo}. What the hell do you think you’re doing? I don’t need no damn help
from some bleeding heart cameraman, my life’s not for you to make a name for
yourself on! Get lost!!!
Mistoffelees: Woah, easy sugar. He was just trying to -
Jennyanydots: Just trying to use me to kill his guilt! Well guess
what? it’s not that kind of movie honey! Let’s go - this lot is full of sob
story ‘artists’. Hey, artist. You got a dollar? {Alonzo shakes his head}. I
thought not. {silence}
Jemima: Wow! Jenny, will you do that every night?
Jennyanydots: {back to her usual self} Well, I don’t know, I
don’t really
agree..
Jemima: Santa Fe! Now!
SANTA FE:
Mungojerrie: You know, it sure would be nice to open up a restaurant somewhere
like Santa Fe. New York sucks.
Mistoffelees: Yeah, but what can you do?
Alonzo: Not much.
Mungojerrie: Yeah.
{Jemima coughs}
Mistoffelees: How about we cut to Mungo and my big number?
Jemima: good idea!!
I’LL COVER YOU:
Alonzo: I’ll TRY and convince Roger to go to Maureen’s show. See you there.
Mistoffelees: Alone at last.
Mungojerrie: {embarrassed} oh.. he’ll be back, I guarantee it.
Mistoffelees: I’ve been hearing violins all night.
Mungojerrie: Anything to do with me? {Looks at the ground}. Are we
a thing?
Mistoffelees: Darling, we’re everything! Live in my house, I’ll
be your shelter. Just pay me back with 1000 kisses. Be my lover and I’ll cover
you.
Mungojerrie: Open your door, I’ll be your tenant. Don’t got
much baggage to lay at your feet, but sweet kisses I’ve got to spare. I’ll
be there and I’ll cover you
Both: I think they meant it when they said you can’t buy love,
now I know you can rent it, a new lease you are, my love. On life, be my life.
Jennyanydots: I demand you stop this at once!
Jemima: Why, is it offending you?
Jennyanydots: No, it’s just too slow. I want something faster,
like the Bag Lady!
Jemima: I think I created a monster. Let’s go to Demeter’s
‘We’re Okay’ number!
WE’RE OKAY:
{Demeter is on a mobile phone, standing next to the pay phone}
Demeter: Steve? It’s Joanne - the Murget case. A dismissal? Good work
counsellor! We’re okay. {pay phone rings and she answers it} Honeybear, wait,
I’m on the other phone. Yes, I have the cowbell! We’re okay! Steve - hold on
{presses call waiting}. Dad! Yes, I beeped you! {Through gritted teeth} Maureen
is coming to mother’s hearing, worse luck! We’re okay! {in payphone}
Honeybear - what? Newt’s lesbian sister? I’ll tell them.
Jennyanydots: WE HEARD!
Demeter: They heard! We’re okay!
Jemima: Uh… {Jennyanydots hisses at her} let’s move right along
to Maureen’s performance, shall we?
Demeter: Are we ever going to get to do one number all the way
through?
Jemima: Not the way Jennyanydots is complaining!
Jennyanydots: Jemima! I’m shocked at you!
Jemima: Oh, for the last time, Mum! PLEASE stop interrupting me! I
THOUGHT
you’d dealt with it after the whole Bag Lady incident!
Jennyanydots: Fine. Fine, continue.
CHRISTMAS BELLS:
Admetus: Christmas Bells are ringing. Group of Homeless Jellicles: Christmas
Bells are ringing. Christmas Bells are singing. On TV - At Saks.
Plato(Squeegeeman): Honest living, honest living, honest living,
honest living, honest living, honest - Do I have to keep going?
Skimbleshanks: No, I think we get the drift.
Plato: Good!
Homeless: We need money, we need it fast, we live this moment as
our last!
Jemima: That’s not in the script!
Etcetera: We know. I made it up and it happened to rhyme.
Jemima: Whatever!
Etcetera(Vendor #2): How about a… fur? I’m not selling fur!
That’s evil!
That’s wicked! That’s disgusting!
Jemima: Etcetera…. I am THIS CLOSE to killing someone!
Etcetera: Okay, okay. I got another coat that was broken in by a
greedy broker who went broke and then broke down {She bursts out laughing}. Hey,
that’s pretty funny! {she glances at Jemima}. Uh… so what did you want to
buy?
Mungojerrie: Look, Angel, you really didn’t have to do this for
me. I don’t need a new coat. I mean, just because the muggers stole my old
one..
Mistoffelees: Oh, be quiet, that’s what Christmas is for, silly!
{he turns to Etcetera} Now, I don’t know quite what we want. Eek! Take that
pink checked jacket AWAY from me!
Etcetera: What, this? This is one of my better coats.
Mistoffelees: I’d hate to see the bad ones.
(In another part of the set)
Alonzo: Let me get this straight. You met this gorgeous queen who wanted you to
take her out tonight?
Munkustrap: Right.
Alonzo: And she managed to get you out! Unfortunately, she’s not
with you.
Munkustrap: Look, I got mad okay? She was too…. cheerful. She
wanted too much, and I was scared. And I had to get her out of my sight.
Alonzo: Wait a second! You said she was sweet!
Munkustrap: Well she was. But she’s not my type. Look, over
there, that’s her!
Alonzo: Woah! What are you waiting for?
Both: Hey, look, it’s beginning to snow.
(Yet another location)
Bombalurina and junkies: Hey Mr Man! Drug dealer! Got anything good?
{Jennyanydots opens her mouth. Looks at Jemima. Shuts her mouth.}
Macavity: I’m so cool. You all want me. Admit it!
Bombalurina: No, actually we want your drugs.
Macavity: Are you SURE?
Bombalurina: Positive. Sorry.
Macavity: Aw, man!
Admetus: You’re HIV Positive, actually, Mimi! {The rest of the
cast stare at him}. What? My joke wasn’t THAT bad!
{Macavity stalks off to the side and the others follow, with the
exception of Bombalurina. Munkustrap approaches her.}
Munkustrap: Hey.
Bombalurina: Oh. Hey.
Munkustrap: Look, I just wanted to say -
Bombalurina: Forget it! I’m used to it.
Munkustrap: I’m sorry for the way I blew up. Look, can I make it
up to you somehow?
Bombalurina: Like how?
Munkustrap: Well, we’re going to a dinner party later, want to
come?
Bombalurina: Sure!
Macavity: Hey lover boy, you little slut! You steal my client,
you’re stuffed.
Jennyanydots: Macavity!!!!!
Macavity: Uh… you’re stuffed….. mate?
*Note, this was borrowed from Sarah and Rita’s
"Australian" version, with a
few minor language changes to be kid friendly!*
Munkustrap: You didn’t miss me, you’re not going to miss her.
You always have a bunch of cats tagging along behind you!
Macavity: True, true.
Junkies: I need drugs! Come on, man, got anything for me?
Macavity: And it’s beginning to snow!
{Everyone begins to sing something different, out of key.}
Jemima: QUIET!!!!!!
{silence}
Munkustrap: Now Jemima, that sounded suspiciously like the
"NO!!" I yell
during ‘The Pekes and the Pollicles’.
Jemima: Whoops, what do you know? It’s purely unintentional, you
know, that I stole it off you. Anyway, you guys are hopeless! I say we continue
on to Maureen’s performance.
Rumpleteazer: Yay!
All: And it’s beginning to snow!
OVER THE MOON:
Rumpleteazer: Last night I had a dream. That’s right, me and nobody else. I
had a dream! Not you, I! I found myself in another junkyard, called Cyberland.
It was freezing. My thermos had sprung a leak.. no, not the one I stole! Anyway,
I was really thirsty. From behind a pile of newspapers walked a cow with blue
horns, Elsie. I asked her if she had anything to drink. She said "I’m
forbidden to produce milk." And I told her that was that was ok because I
was lactose intolerant. She continued: "In Cyberland we only drink Diet
Coke." She said, "only thing to do is jump over the moon. They’ve
closed everything real down. Like car boots and catflaps and performance spaces.
And replaced it all with lies and rules and virtual life. But… there is a way
out."
Demeter and Etcetera start singing backup: Leap of faith, leap of
faith,
leap of faith, leap of faith.
Rumpleteazer: Only thing to do is jump over the moon. Then, a
little.. {pause} BULLDOG entered. His name, we have learned, was Benny.
Tugger: Hey, that’s not very nice!
Rumpleteazer: Well you’re kicking me out of my performance area.
You call THAT nice?
Tugger: Sorry. Continue.
Rumpleteazer: And although he once had principles he abandoned them
long ago for money and power. {She puts on a pair of sunglasses. Tugger, who is
wearing an identical pair, glances around, without drawing attention to himself,
takes his off}.
"That’s all bull." Benny said. "What would a talking cow with
purple horns know?"
"They’re blue, actually," Elsie replied. "Are you colour blind
as well as stupid?"
"Oh, be quiet you talking cow."
"The only way out is up," Elsie whispered to me. "A leap of
faith. Still thirsty?" Parched. And she handed me a bottle, and I drank the
most delicious Diet Coke I had ever tasted! Then I jumped on her back and we
jumped over the moon away from Cyberland! I awoke singing!
Backups: Leap of faith {etc}
Rumpleteazer: Only thing to do, only thing to do is jump, only
thing to do is jump over the moon. Only thing to do is jump over the moon. Over
the moon. Over the…. MOOOOOOOOOO
MOOOOOOOOOO
MOOOOOOOOOO
Moo with me! {The others look at her like she’s crazy}. I SAID, moo with me!
Jemima: Oh for pity’s sake! {she gets up} MOO! MOO!
{Eventually the others join in, even Jennyanydots}.
Rumpleteazer: Thankyou!
LA VIE BOHEME (Life Café):
Coricopat: No, please no, not tonight please no, Mr can’t you go - not tonight
can’t have a seat!
Munkustrap: Stuff that. I’m on a date here. {He goes in, holding
Bombalurina’s hand and making a "Who is he kidding?" face at
everyone}.
Coricopat: Go. Please go! You, HELLO SIR, I SAID NO, important
customer? {He gestures to Tugger who is sitting with Macavity dressed up as Mr
Grey}.
Alonzo: He’s your important customer? A cat who’s ego is larger
than his mane? And an evil villain? Jeez, you’re really lacking in customers
huh? {Coricopat ignores him} Hey, what am I, just a blur?
Coricopat: You sit all night and never buy.
Alonzo: That’s a lie! Take that back, that’s a big lie! I had a
tea the other day!
Coricopat: {Shakes his head} Ah, but you couldn’t pay.
Alonzo: {Sheepish look} Oh yeah. {he ducks and runs in. While
Coricopat chases him the others walk in, laughing.}
Mungojerrie: Benjamin Coffin III here?
Coricopat: Oh no!
All: Catnip and beer!
Rumpleteazer: The enemy of Avenue A! {She looks at Coricopat}
We’ll stay.
Coricopat: {Raising his paws in the air} Oiy Vey!
Mungojerrie: What brings the rock star in his own mind to the Life
Café?
Tugger: I would like to propose a toast to Maureen’s noble try.
{Tugger puts on a fake smile}. It went well.
Rumpleteazer: {Looks at the audience and smiles in a sickly sweet
fashion} Go to Hell.
Tugger: Was the yuppie scum stomped? Obviously not, because I’m
still here!
Munkustrap: {Stands up and puts on a British accent} Why did Muffy
-
Tugger: Allison.
Munkustrap: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Why did your wife miss the show?
Bombalurina: Tugger, married? Ha!
Tugger: As I was saying, there was a death in the family.
Mistoffelees: Uh.. I’m sorry to hear that. Who died?
Tugger: Our Akita
Tugger, Alonzo, Mistoffelees, Mungojerrie: Evita!
{Mistoffelees puts his paw over his mouth in a "whoops"
gesture. On the far left corner of the table Etcetera stands up and raises her
arms in a Victory gesture. The others near her quickly pull her back down before
Tugger can turn around and see her.}
Tugger: Mimi - I’m surprised at you. You dated me, therefore
you’re better than the rest of these slackers. They really think I’m evil
when I’m the only one attempting to do some good. {He stands behind
Bombalurina and Munkustrap} Or do you really find the society of jerks like this
preferable to me? I must tell you now, you all fancy yourselves as Bohemians.
Well, this is Calcutta {He holds up a wine glass} and surprise! Bohemia is dead.
{On ‘dead’ he tips the wine glass upside down. As Tugger goes and sits back
down with Mr Grey at a small table on the left, Alonzo, who is at the head of
the large table on the far right, jumps up onto the table.}
Alonzo: The great Benny has spoken! We all gather here to say our
goodbyes…
{Mungojerrie, Munkustrap and Admetus all stand up. Mungojerrie puts
his hand over his heart.}
Mungojerrie, Munkustrap, Admetus: Twinkle, twinkle little star. How
I
wonder what you are.
Jemima: Those are NOT the right words!
Mungojerrie: You try saying the right ones then!
Jemima: {looking at script} Um, you know what? We don’t really
need backing
vocals there after all!
Alonzo: Here she lies, it’s such a pity. The late, great daughter
of Mother Earth is dead and gone and nobody knew her worth. We celebrate the
birth on that cold freezing night in Bethlehem. We raise our glass - you bet
your ass {Rumpleteazer at the head (?) of the table on the other end stands up
on her chair with her back to Tugger and displays her rear to him and ‘Mr
Grey’, who looks shocked}, to La Vie Boheme!
All: La Vie Boheme, La Vie Boheme, la la la la Vie Bo-
Jemima: HELLO?
Rumpleteazer: But it’s so much easier
Jemima: {tight lipped} Fine. Great.
Alonzo: To being inspired, to hating your parents, to everything
that Jellicles do best.
Jemima: Where did you pull that from?
Alonzo: Don’t ask. It’s better that you don’t know. To riding
your bike past all those rich guys like Benny and laugh at them! To any passing
fad! {The entire table begins to do the Macarina. Jemima bursts out laughing.}
To being an us for once, instead of a them! {As he has been singing, Coricopat
has been going from one end of the table to the other, taking orders.} La Vie
Boheme!
{Demeter enters}
Rumpleteazer: Hey Joanne. Is the equipment all nicely stacked like
I asked you?
Demeter: Ordered me, more like.
Rumpleteazer: What?
Demeter: That is, yes it’s all stacked.
Rumpleteazer: Did you find the cowbell? Hey, don’t look at me
like that.
Macavity: Ahhemm
Rumpleteazer: Hey mister - she’s my girl - uh, sister! Get over
it! {Demeter exits}
Coricopat: So that’s five fish soup, four salmon salad, three
fish burger dinner, two steak platter and one pasta with meatless balls!
Admetus: {stands up and makes a really cute face} Ew!
Coricopat: You’re telling me!
Mungojerrie: {stands up} Hey, it tastes almost the same, you know!
Bombalurina: {stands up} Yeah, if you close your eyes!
Coricopat: Anything else?
All: Wine and beer! And catnip!
Bombalurina and Mistoffelees: To lots of stuff and lots of food.
Jemima: Is that it?
Bombalurina: And to mice.
All: Yeah!
Macavity: I don’t get it.
Munkustrap: To guitarists that are better than me!
Alonzo: I’ll second that!
All: La Vie Boheme!
{Demeter enters}
Rumpleteazer: And don’t forget to wipe off the speakers before
you pack, this time!
Demeter: Oh, give it a rest, Maureen. It’s getting old.
Rumpleteazer: Is that so?
Demeter: Why do I always give in to you?
Rumpleteazer: {innocent look} You can’t handle the fighting? {She
kisses Demeter}
Macavity: Sisters?
Rumpleteazer: We’re close. And mind your own business, creep.
Mungojerrie: If Rumpleteazer can do this I can too.
{Mungojerrie and Mistoffelees kiss each other}
Macavity: Brothers?
Others: {At the same time} Brothers!
{Macavity exits in disgust. As he walks past Alonzo he trips and
falls flat on his face}
All: To all types of cats in the world!
Cassandra: Even Persians!
Victoria: And even tabbies!
Alonzo: And even bossy dictators! {Jemima coughs.} Just kidding Jem.
Mungojerrie: {All pretend to smoke} To marijuana!
Jennyanydots: Right on!
All: La Vie Boheme!
Mungojerrie: Because Bohemia is dead and we all miss her so very
much, Mimi
will wear handcuffs and dance for us. Everyone go wild!
{ All cheer - except Tugger}
Munkustrap: And Mark will show us his most recent film ‘101
reasons why my
films never make it to Hollywood’.
Alonzo: Can I join in saying cool stuff?
Mungojerrie: The more the merrier!
Alonzo: And Maureen will sing stuff for us. And if we’re lucky
she might even sing it backwards!
Rumpleteazer: Only if you’re VERY lucky!
{All cluster into a small group, leaving Tugger and Bombalurina
together at
the back}
Tugger: So, your new boyfriend doesn’t know about the whole
‘us’ thing?
Bombalurina: There’s nothing TO know!
Tugger: Well, don’t you think we should discuss it? I mean -
Bombalurina: Benny, it was three months ago! I’ve moved on!
Tugger: Yeah, well where’s your boyfriend then?
Bombalurina: He’s right…. Over…. Somewhere….
Tugger: Yeah. Right.
Alonzo: And Roger will attempt to write - and play - a love song
for Mimi, guaranteed to make her run screaming into the night.
Munkustrap: Not nice, Mark! {He begins to play and throws his
guitar down in frustration. It smashes.} Whoops.
Mungojerrie: Angel will model some clothes and bang a white pickle
tub for
awhile.
{Mistoffelees jumps up onto the table}
Mistoffelees: And Collins will tell us all about the fun computer
stuff he did last time he worked at NYU!
Tugger: Check! You! Waiter! I want that check now!
{Rumpleteazer kisses Victoria just as Demeter comes onstage.
Horrified, she rushes off again. Coricopat runs in the opposite direction to get
away from Tugger. Bombalurina and Tugger stand together on the left.}
Bombalurina: Did I do something wrong, or what? You invite me and
then all of sudden you ignore me! I could have more fun sitting a home counting
dust balls!
Munkustrap: Hey I’m not perfect, I’ve got baggage.
Bombalurina: So have I. Big deal.
Munkustrap: But I should tell you -
Bombalurina: Stuff that. I’ve got baggage too.
Both: Wine and beer! Now! We wanna get drunk!
Munkustrap: And I want to see you dance in those blue spandex
pants, Mimi.
Bombalurina: I’d like to see YOU dance in them!
Alonzo: Ha ha ha!! Roger in Mimi’s spandex!
Jemima: Okay! I thought you were doing well! Next song!
I SHOULD TELL YOU:
Munkustrap: Well I should tell you I have AIDS and I hate commitment.
Bombalurina: No big deal, I have AIDS too, and life is too short to
fear anything.
Munkustrap: Want to move in together?
Bombalurina: Think you can handle it?
Munkustrap: I can try.
Bombalurina: Well… here goes! {They exit. Alonzo waves them
goodbye.}
LA VIE BOHEME B:
{Demeter enters once more and glares at Rumpleteazer.}
Rumpleteazer: Are we packed?
Demeter: Yes. And by next week I want you to be. You’re outta my
life!
Rumpleteazer: But.. Pookie! What about my career? Mark will have to
go back to being my production manager!
Demeter: The lot is a mess. Benny called the cops
Rumpleteazer: Typical.
Demeter: Will you stop interrupting me? Anyway, nobody’s leaving
they’re all sitting there mooing and drinking diet coke.
All: YEAH! To dance!
Victoria (A girl): A pointless waste of time!
All: Film!
Alonzo: Also a pointless waste of time!
All: Music!
Mistoffelees: Not quite such a waste of time, but if you want to
make a living out of it you’d better be good at what you do!
All: Anarchy!
Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer: The way of the future!
All: La Vie Boheme!
Alonzo: Everyone’s fighting. Mimi and Roger kiss.
All: Viva La Vie Boheme!
WARNING:
When the characters refer to each other as Joanne or Roger they are
in character and talking as such. When they refer to each other as Demeter
or Munkustrap they are out of character. This warning will improve when
someone helps me write it.. and now, on with the story! BTW, it's not
edited properly, so who knows how many mistakes there are!!
ACT TWO:
SEASONS OF LOVE:
{The entire cast lines up and holds paws. Admetus is on the far right. Etcetera
is in the centre.}
All: 525,600
minutes.
Mistoffelees:
wait a second. Are 525,600 minutes really a year?
Jemima: Why
don’t you work it out for yourself?
Mistoffelees:
Fine, I will. {He starts to leave}.
Jemima: Not
NOW you idiot! Later! Much later!
Mistoffelees:
Oh right.
All: Seasons
of love. Seasons of love.
{Spotlight
goes on Etcetera. Munkustrap on her left, and Mungojerrie on her
right, turn to face each other. They can be seen making faces at each other
as she sings}.
Etcetera
(Seasons soloist #1): 525,600 minutes. 525,000 journeys to plan. Wait,
why only 525,000? What happened to the other 600?
Jemima:
Etcetera. Sing. Now.
Etcetera:
525,600 minutes, how do you measure the life of a woman or a man?
{Mungojerrie
makes a particularly stupid face at Munkustrap who has to stop himself from
laughing. The spotlight goes to Admetus on the end of the line.}
Admeuts
(Seasons soloist #2): In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried. In
bridges he burned or the way that she died. {On ‘died’ he hits
an impossibly high note and the cast all turn and stare at him.}
Demeter:
Wow.
Macavity:
You can say that again.
Demeter:
Wow.
Cassandra:
Double wow.
Jemima:
Okay, okay, let’s push on here!
All: It’s
time now to sing out, though the story never ends. Let’s celebrate!
Mistoffelees
and Rumpleteazer: La Vie Boheme!
Jemima: No.
Etcetera:
Look, I want to sing my Seasons solo!
All: Let’s
celebrate, remember a year in the life of friends!
Remember
[that love]
Etcetera:
{over the top of them} Oh, you’ve got to, you’ve got to remember that love.
All:
Remember [that love]
Etcetera:
You know that love is a gift from up above.
All:
Remember [that love]
Etcetera:
Measure, in love.
All: Measure
in love.
Etcetera:
Measure, measure your life in love {On love like Admetus she hits an incredibly
high note that is higher even than Jemima can sing.}
Tugger: Wow,
we’re just surrounded by talent!
All: Seasons
of love. Seasons [of love]
Etcetera:
Measure, measure your life in love.
Jennyanydots:
Now that was a nice song. Measure in love, what a nice message that is.
Electra: I
want to see the good stuff!
Jennyanydots:
Why aren’t you up there performing, Electra dear?
Electra: I
wanted to be a swing.
Jemima: Stop
talking! We’re going on to the next song!
HAPPY NEW YEAR:
{Alonzo runs on with a piece of wood. The word "Door" is written on
it. There are padlocked chains on it, with the word "Padlock" written
next to them.}
Alonzo:
{Swings the "door" around bringing it inches in front of Jennyanydots’
face.} Pan to the padlocked door. New Year’s rocking Eve, the breaking back
into the building party!
Bombalurina:
How long till next year?
Munkustrap:
I’m not sure, I broke my watch yesterday.
Alonzo:
It’s about 3 and a half minutes away, or so.
Bombalurina:
Go away Mark, this is a PRIVATE conversation.
Alonzo: Oh,
go light your candle. {He exits}
Bombalurina:
Guess what? Because of you I’m going back to school. I know
that as long as I have you I’m cool, no matter how hot the week has been.
Munkustrap:
I know! And they say it’s winter here!
Bombalurina:
That wasn’t quite what I meant. But I couldn’t crack the love code till you
made the lock on my hear EXPLODE! I think it’s gonna be a happy New Year. {She
hands him a plastic cup with champagne in it, keeping the bottle for herself.
Alonzo enters again.}
Alonzo:
Coast is clear. Hey, you guys are supposed to be working, that’s for midnight
{He takes the champagne bottle and puts it back}. There isn’t that much time,
where the heck are they?
Bombalurina:
{Grabbing the bottle once again} I don’t know, maybe they’re dressing. It
takes awhile to decide to wear to a party that’s also a crime.
Munkustrap:
I think you chose your clothes well, Mimi.
Bombalurina:
Oh, thanks!
{Rumpleteazer
enters wearing a pair of tight black vinyl pants and a matching jacket. A pair
of vinyl mouse ears sit on her head. She has a black bag.}
Rumpleteazer:
Chips anyone? {Waves a packet of Thins}
Alonzo: Ha
ha ha! You can take the girl out of London, but you can’t take
the London out of the girl!
Rumpleteazer:
{Glares at him} Yeah? Well my riot got you on TV. I want a royalty!
Bombalurina:
{Walks in between the two of them} Be nice both of you, or you won’t get some
of this sickeningly cheap and appallingly awful tasting champagne!
Rumpleteazer:
{Grabs the bottle} Don’t mind if I do! Hey Mark, no luck breaking the door
down?
Alonzo:
{Brandishes his fake "door" again} like this? I made it myself.
Rumpleteazer:
Just answer the question! Where were you on the night of February 14?
Alonzo: What
the…
Rumpleteazer:
I mean, any luck breaking back into the loft?
Alonzo:
Nope, a total dead end.
Rumpleteazer:
Ha, just like my EX girlfriend. {Picks up a cellular phone} Honey, I know
you’re there. Pick up the blasted phone for crying out loud! Are you okay?
{Alonzo, starts filming the inside of her bag, but Rumpleteazer doesn’t
notice.} Come on Pookie, it’s not funny or fair. How can I make amends if you
ignore me? {She sees what Alonzo is doing and runs over to him. She proceeds to
kick him and hit him with the bag while she’s talking}. I know I lose control
sometimes, but I really can learn to behave. Come on, give me one more chance,
Joanne. Let me be your slave! I’ll even kiss your high-heeled boots! Please
let me kiss your boots!
{Demeter
enters, but Rumpleteazer doesn’t see her because she’s looking the
other way.}
Demeter:
That MIGHT be okay. {Rumpleteazer looks at the phone, then spins around and sees
Demeter.} Down girl! Heel! Good girl.
Rumpleteazer:
I resent being treated like a Pollicle.
Demeter:
Well get used to it!
Rumpleteazer:
Yes, Joanne.
Demeter: So,
Mark, I did a bit of research with my pals over at Legal Aid.
They say there’s some hope for you yet, but just in case I brought some
rope!
Alonzo:
Joanne – you think of everything!
Demeter: I
try.
Alonzo: So,
I was thinking we could maybe hoist a line to the fire escape?
Demeter: Oh,
good plan! And perhaps tie the rope off at –
Alonzo: That
bench!
Demeter:
Perfect!
Rumpleteazer:
{To Bombalurina and Munkustrap} I don’t think I can handle
them as chums.
Demeter:
Start hoisting, Maureen. Now! Forward MARCH! {Exit
Demeter, Rumpleteazer and Alonzo}
Munkustrap:
You know something tells me I should be laughing at them, but I forget how to
begin! I feel something inside but I’m not sure whether I should laugh or cry.
It’s all thanks to you, you know. Last week I was ready to give up but
you’ve convinced me that it just may be a happy New Year after all! {They kiss
– much to Demeter’s irritation.}
{Enter
Mungojerrie and Mistoffelees – who’s wearing yet another ‘cool’ drag
outfit complete with a blonde wig.}
Mungojerrie:
The name’s Bond. James Bond.
Mistoffelees:
I hate this wig! It’s too itchy!
Jemima: Well
deal with it!
Mistoffelees:
Dealing, dealing. And I’m Pussy Galore – in person!
Bombalurina:
Pussy?
Mistoffelees:
Don’t ask.
Bombalurina:
Hey, you came prepared huh? Love the blowtorch.
Mistoffelees:
Well I figured it matched the pink tights.
Bombalurina:
Which also match my fur!
Mistoffelees:
Yeah I meant to ask about that.
Bombalurina:
I thought pink spiked fur would suit the role of Mimi better.
Mistoffelees:
I see.
Mungojerrie:
{To Bombalurina} Aha! Miss Moneypenny, I believe that is my Martini!
Bombalurina:
Well Mr Bond, will bad champagne do? That’s all we have? {Mungojerrie rubs his
hands together}
Mungojerrie:
Sounds great!
Munkustrap:
{in another British accent} that’s shaken, not stirred.
Bombalurina:
You’ve already had some.
Munkustrap:
And I found it difficult to breathe after awhile.
Bombalurina:
That wasn’t due to the champagne! That was because you were holding your
breath.
Munkustrap:
I know, but that doesn’t sound as good.
Jemima:
HELLO!?!?!?
Mungojerrie:
Angel, if you please, the bolts!
Bombalurina:
We’ve only got two minutes left! Where is everyone else?
Munkustrap:
Playing Spiderman, I guess. I wanted to join in, but noooo they
made me come here with you.
Alonzo: And
once they finish with the bolts, the power comes back on. Very strange.
VOICE MAIL #3
Victoria (Mark’s Mom): Mark it’s the wicked witch of the west - your mother!
Mungojerrie:
Well, that sentence is ALMOST right, you just need to take away the last two
words.
Jemima:
MUNGOJERRIE!
Mungojerrie:
Sorry Victoria.
Victoria:
Apology accepted. Anyway Mark, happy New Year from Scarsdale. We’re all very
impressed with the riot footage. Even your father says well done. Honey.. CALL
HIM? Love Mom!
Cassandra (Alexi
Darling): Mark Cohen, Alexi Darling from Buzzline!
Alonzo: ooh,
that show is so sleazy! I would never work for them!
Cassandra:
Your footage on the riots - network - deal time. A great opportunity for you!
I’m sending you a contract, ker-ching ker-ching! Lots of money for Marky!
Jemima:
Hahahaha! Improvisation it may be, but that’s a classic!
Cassandra:
Marky - give us a call when you’ve signed! My home number is.. um.. oh stuff
it, I can’t remember. But you can e-mail me at darling alexi news.com dot net
for my phone numbers. Oh, and you can always page me at - {Beep} {Cassandra
glares at the phone as the machine cuts her off, and exits.}
HAPPY NEW YEAR B:
Rumpleteazer: {To Alonzo and Demeter} You know what? I think we need an
agent!
Demeter:
Define "we".
Rumpleteazer:
You know.. us… three…
Alonzo:
Sounds fishy to me, Maureen. What do you think Joanne?
Demeter: I
agree, Mark.
Rumpleteazer:
No, come on, it’ll be fun! We’ll plan another protest -
Demeter:
There’s that "we’ again!
Rumpleteazer:
This time Mark can shoot from the start, Joanne can direct,
starring me!
All: 5, 4, 3
… open sesame! Happy New Year! {Tugger enters blowing a whistle}
Tugger:
Sorry about that, I couldn’t find a party thing.
Bombalurina:
A party what?
Tugger: A
party thing.
Rumpleteazer:
And that would be?
Tugger: One
of those toy things you blow at parties.
Demeter:
{Sarcastically} Ah. All is explained.
Jemima:
Okay, BACK TO WORK!
Tugger: So,
I see you all beat me here.
Munkustrap:
How did you know we’d be here?
Tugger:
I’m psychic.
Alonzo:
You’re not mad at us are you?
Tugger: For
what?
Alonzo: Gee,
I don’t know… Breaking down the door maybe!?
Tugger: Oh
right. No, I’m here to end this war. It is a shame you went and destroyed the
door, though.
Alonzo: And
as our landlord, you have to fix it!
Tugger:
That’s not fair!
Bombalurina:
Why did you change your mind all of a sudden?
Tugger: The
credit is yours, my dear, you made a good case.
Munkustrap:
What case!
Tugger:
Well, Mimi came to see me yesterday and she had a told to say.
Bombalurina:
I did? Yesterday you kicked me out!
Tugger: But
I couldn’t stop thinking about what you said. Mark, grab your camera, and get
this on film.
Alonzo:
Fine, whatever.
Tugger: I
really do regret what happened the past few days.
Munkustrap:
Like padlocking our door for example?
Tugger: So
now I’m happy to give you these keys on behalf of Cyber Arts.
Munkustrap:
We don’t need keys, we just broke the door down, remember?
Tugger: Oh
yeah. Look, Mimi came over and convinced me to do what you wanted.
Bombalurina:
What?
Munkustrap:
Liar!
Tugger: Come
on, tell him what you wore to my place!
Bombalurina:
But I was on my way to work!
Tugger:
Black leather and lace!
Munkustrap:
At least you didn’t wear the spandex.
Bombalurina:
No, that’s a pain to dance in.
Tugger:
Wait, you guys are supposed to fight now!
Bombalurina:
Fighting is a negative energy.
Jemima:
THAT’S IT!! Next song, please!
TAKE ME OR LEAVE ME:
Demeter: The line is: "Cyber Arts and it coporate sponsor, Grey
Communications, wish to MITIGATE the Christmas Eve riots." What is so
difficult about that?
Rumpleteazer:
It just doesn’t roll off my tongue. I like MY version.
Demeter:
You, dressed as a groundhog to protest the ground breaking.
Rumpleteazer:
It’s a metaphor!
Demeter:
It’s less than brilliant.
Rumpleteazer:
That’s IT Ms Ivy League!
Demeter:
What?
Rumpleteazer:
Ever since New Year’s I haven’t said boo. I let you direct, I didn’t
pierce my nipples because it grossed you out, I didn’t stay and dance at the
Clit Club that night because you wanted to go home.
Demeter: YOU
were flirting with the woman in rubber!
Rumpleteazer:
That’s what this is about? There will always be women in rubber flirting with
me, give me a break! Wherever I go people stare at me! I can’t help it and it
doesn’t mean I don’t love you. Take me for what I am and who I was meant to
be! And if you give a damn-
Jennyanydots:
Rumpleteazer!
Rumpleteazer:
Sorry! Then take me baby, or leave me! You know you love the limelight too,
it’s not just me! Come on baby, admit it! Kiss, Pookie.
Demeter: No
it won’t work! I look before I leap, I like discipline. I never quit, I always
follow through what I do. I hate mess, yet I love you.
Rumpleteazer:
Just what is THAT supposed to mean?
Demeter:
{innocent look} On, nothing.
Both: So
take me or leave me!
Demeter:
Guess I’m leaving!
Rumpleteazer:
{Slamming a chair down} Well I’m sure gone! {She sits in it and glares.}
SEASONS OF LOVE B:
Company: Seasons of love.
Jemima:
That’s it?
Coricopat:
What’s it?
Jemima:
That’s all you’re going to sing?
Coricopat:
Why not? Everyone’s already heard it once.
Jemima: Why
do I always do this to myself?
WITHOUT YOU:
{Munkustrap is sitting on a table by himself. Bombalurina runs in.}
Munkustrap:
So, where were you?
Bombalurina:
Look, I’m sorry I’m late.
Munkustrap:
Sure. I’m going back to the loft. Tell Benny I said hi.
Bombalurina:
But that’s not… Oh, fine. Go.
{Munkustrap
exits}
Bombalurina:
It’s funny, isn’t it? Nothing changes when you’re gone. The
rain falls, the eagles fly, the ground roars, the babies cry and the rivers
flow. So why do I die without you?
{Munkustrap
enters and stand at the back}
Munkustrap:
I die without you.
Bombalurina:
Without you.
Both:
Without you. {They embrace.}
Bombalurina:
Well, that was a nice cheerful song, wasn’t it?
VOICE MAIL #4:
Cassandra (Alexi Darling): Mark Cohen - Alexi Darling here! Labor Day weekend in
East Hampton {Long pause} On the beach! Just saw Elvis, told him you said hi.
{Another long pause} Just kidding! We still need directors and you know you need
money, we know you need money. Pick up the phone! Marky - Sell..us..your..soul.
{very long pause. Jemima begins to look impatient}. Just kidding! We’re
waiting!
CONTACT:
{Silence}
Jemima: Um… okay, just chat amongst yourself for a little while until
Angel’s song. {they chat. Mistoffelees stands up on a table.}
Mistoffelees:
Take me! Take me! Today for you, tomorrow for me.
Today me, tomorrow you,
Tomorrow you, love,
You love,
Love you, love you,
I love you, I love you,
Take me, take me, take me take me! {he disappears}
All: This
year was bad for me - was it bad for you?
Demeter:
It’s over!
Rumpleteazer:
It’s over!
Munkustrap:
It’s over!
Bombalurina:
It’s over!
Mungojerrie:
{softly} It’s over.
I’LL COVER YOU REPRISE (Angel’s memorial):
Bombalurina: Angel was one of my closest friends. It’s right that it’s
Halloween because it was her favourite holiday. I knew we’d hit it off the
minute we met. That Skinhead was bothering her and she said she was more of a
man than he’d ever be - and more of a woman than he’d ever get.
Alonzo: And
then there was that time he walked up to a group of tourists and they were
petrified because a) they were obviously lost, and b) had probably never spoken
to a drag queen before in their lives, and he… she just offered to escort them
out of Alphabet City. Then she let them take their picture with her, and she
said she’d help them find the Statue of Liberty.
Rumpleteazer:
So much more original than any of us. You’d find an old tablecloth on the
street and make a dress - and the next year, sure enough, they’d be mass
producing them at the Gap. {She pauses}. You always said how lucky you were that
we were all friends. But it was us, baby, who were the lucky ones.
Mungojerrie:
{slowly} Live in my house, I’ll be your shelter. Just -
Jemima:
{sobbing} Stop! Please! Next song! I can’t take the sadness!
HALLOWEEN:
Alonzo: {on the phone} I can’t believe I’m stooping this low, I really - oh,
hello it’s Mark Cohen here, can I speak to Alexi please? Oh, no don’t
bother her, just let her know I’m running a little late for our…uh..
appointment. I’m at my friend’s… Yes, I’ll be there. Yes, I did sign the
contract. Thanks.
{He hangs up the phone.}
How did I get here? Oh, of course. Christmas Eve last year. How can a
night so frozen be so scalding hot? How can…. {he sighs} Why am I the
witness to everything? When I capture it on film will it mean that it’s the
end and I’m just alone?
GOODBYE LOVE:
{Rumpleteazer and Munkustrap enter. Bombalurina and Tugger enter together.
Demeter enters and stands up the back with Mungojerrie}
Bombalurina:
So, Roger, I hear you sold your guitar and bought a car?
Munkustrap:
I couldn’t play the guitar anyway.
Alonzo:
I’ll vouch for that!
Munkustrap:
Oh, leave me alone! So I hear you’re with this …. This… Pollicle.
Tugger: {To
Bombalurina} Mimi, you said you’d never speak to this jerk again.
Bombalurina:
Not now.
Rumpleteazer:
Who says YOU can tell her who to speak to?
Demeter: Why
don’t you mind your own business for once! We always used to have this fight!
She’d never admit I even existed!
Bombalurina:
Roger was exactly the same way! He’s in denial!
Demeter:
She’s in denial!
Munkustrap:
{laughing helplessly}: Come on guys, chill!
Demeter:
uh…what’s so funny?
Munkustrap:
I’m not exactly sure, come to think of it!
Jemima: keep
going…keep going!
Mungojerrie:
Will you guys stop fighting? Angel helped us to believe in love and you’re
ripping this family apart. I can’t believe this is goodbye.
Rumpleteazer:
Pookie?
Demeter:
Honeybear!
Rumpleteazer:
Oh, I missed you.
Demeter: I
missed you too.
Rumpleteazer:
I missed your smell.
Demeter:
Your mouth. {They kiss}
Rumpleteazer:
Ouch!
Demeter:
What?
Rumpleteazer:
Nothing Pookie.
Demeter: No
baby, you said ow. What?
Rumpleteazer:
You bit my tongue.
Demeter: No
I didn’t.
Rumpleteazer:
You did, it’s bleeding.
Demeter: No
it’s not.
Rumpleteazer:
I think I should know!
Demeter: Oh,
let me see.
Rumpleteazer:
She doesn’t believe me!
Demeter: I
was only trying to.. {they hug and exit, followed by Bombalurina and Tugger}
Munkustrap:
How could she do this to me?
Alonzo: How
could you let her go, you dope?
Munkustrap:
Oh yeah, it’s all well and good for you. "Mark’s got his work,"
right? Mark’s in love with his work. Sure, I’ve heard it all before. Mark
hides in his work!
Alonzo: From
what?
Munkustrap:
From spiders! {silence} Oops; I said the wrong line, didn’t I?
{Alonzo
can’t answer, he’s on the floor in hysterics}
Jemima: Just
keep going, Munkustrap!
Munkustrap:
Yes mark, you live lie - tell you why, you’re always preaching not to be numb
when that’s how you thrive! You pretend to create and observe when you really
just detach from feeling alive!
Alonzo:
Yeah? Well perhaps that’s because I’m the one of us to survive!
Munkustrap:
{pauses for a few moments}. Poor baby. My heart bleed for you.
Alonzo: Mimi
still loves Roger. Is Roger just afraid that Mimi’s weak?
Munkustrap:
Mimi did look a little pale.
Alonzo:
Mimi’s running out of time! Roger’s running out the door!
Munkustrap:
Stop! No more!
Alonzo:
Fine. Run away, just like you always do.
Munkustrap:
Look, I’ll call you when I get to Santa Fe, okay? I’m sorry, it’s just
this darn weather that’s getting me down. {Bombalurina re-enters} You heard?
Bombalurina:
Every word. You are SO busted!
Munkustrap:
I hate that.
Bombalurina:
You don’t want to watch me die? I just came to say goodbye love.
Munkustrap:
No! I have to find my one song…
Bombalurina:
Man, you really are obsessed!
Alonzo: I
tried to tell him, but would he listen?
{Munkustrap
exits, Tugger enters}
Bombalurina:
Please don’t touch me, I’m scared, I need to go away.
Alonzo: I
know of a great rehab clinic.
Bombalurina:
You went there, did you? You don’t strike me as the type.
Alonzo:
Actually a friend of mine went there.
Tugger:
That’s what they ALL say!
Alonzo: You
were the friend!
Tugger: Was
not!
Alonzo: Was
too!
Bombalurina:
Can we get back to MY problem here?
Alonzo: Oh,
right. Sorry.
Bombalurina:
I just came to say goodbye love - hello disease. {She runs off.}
Admetus(Priest):
Off the premises now, we give no handouts here.
Mungojerrie:
What happened to rest in peace?
Admetus: Off
the premises!
Mungojerrie:
That’s no way to send a boy to meet his maker. {To Alonzo} They had to know we
couldn’t pay the undertaker!
Tugger:
Don’t you worry about him. {To Admetus} Hey! I’ll take care of it. {Admetus
nods and exits}
Alonzo: Must
be nice to have money.
Mungojerrie
and Tugger: No shit.
{Jennyanydots
is so captivated that she doesn’t even comment on the
language.}
Mungojerrie:
I think it only fair to tell you, you just paid for the funeral of the person
who killed your dog.
Tugger: I
know. Always hated that dog. Let’s pay him off and then get
drunk.
Alonzo: I
can’t, I have a meeting.
Mungojerrie
and Tugger: Punk. Let’s go.
WHAT YOU OWN:
Alonzo: Hi, Mark Cohen here for Buzzline! Oh God, what am I doing? Don’t
breathe too deep just drive the other way. It all goes away, you just have to
play the game! You’re living in America at the end of the millennium and guess
what? You’re what you own.
Munkustrap:
The filmmaker cannot see.
Alonzo: Oh
yeah? Well the songwriter cannot hear!
Munkustrap:
You take that back!
Alonzo: Make
me! Oh and guess what? I’m quitting Buzzline!
Jemima: All
together now! Final refrain!
Alonzo and
Munkustrap: And when you’re dying in America at the end of the millennium,
you’re not alone!
VOICE MAIL
#5:
Cassandra(Roger’s Mother): Roger, this is your mother. Roger, honey, I…. Do
I have to say Honey?
Jemima:
Change it.
Cassandra:
Roger, Buddy, I don’t get these postcards! First you move to Santa Fe, then
you’re back in New York, then you’re starting a rock band? I’m seriously
worried! Roger where are you? Please call.
Etcetera
(Mimi’s Mother): You know, having never taken Spanish before in my life I’m
not sure I have all these pronunciations right.
Jemima:
Hurry up!
Etcetera:
Fine, but I warned you! Mimi chica! Donde esta? Tu Mummy, esta yamando. Donde
estas’ Mimi? Call.
Plato
(Joanne’s Father): Kitten - wherever are you? Call.
Victoria
(Mark’s Mom): Mark? Are you there? Are you there? Turn that blasted machine
off and answer the phone for once! Where are you Mark? Are you there? I don’t
know! Please call your mother!
FINALE:
Admetus: Christmas bells are ringing.
Etcetera:
They are? I don’t hear anything.
All
homeless: How time flies when compassion dies!
Alonzo:
December 24th again, 10 PM Eastern Standard Time, can you believe a
year went by so quickly? Turn the projector on and see what we have! Oh look
it’s Roger, still trying to tune that fender guitar he just got back when he
sold the car.
Munkustrap:
I found my song.
Alonzo: But
it’s not very good.
Munkustrap:
Hey!
Alonzo: Well
it’s a fact that Your Eyes is not as good as Glory. Ask anyone!
Munkustrap:
So you think I should release Glory instead?
Alonzo: No
contest!
Jemima:
Ah-HEM!
Alonzo:
Sorry. Now all he needs to do is find Mimi.
Munkustrap:
Hey, I tried.
Alonzo:
Yeah, I know. Oh look it’s me! And I’m still in the dark.
Munkustrap:
At least you got some great footage.
Alonzo: Yep,
which I’ve cut together to screen tonight, in honour of Benny’s wife.
Munkustrap:
{With the British accent} Muffy!
Alonzo:
Allison!
{Victoria
enters}
Alonzo:
Victoria? What are you doing here?
Victoria
(Allison): I’m Allison. Have you seen Benny anywhere?
Munkustrap:
Allison? You’re not supposed to be in this show. You’re never supposed to
actually appear!
Victoria: So
sue me. I need to find Benny.
Alonzo: Why?
Victoria: I
just want to tell him in person that after the divorce goes ahead, he’ll be
left with nothing!
Munkustrap:
But then he’ll have to move back in here with us!
Victoria:
Yeah, I’m sorry about that, guys. But it won’t be for too long. He’ll find
another rich sucker to marry. {She exits} {The power blows}
Alonzo: Well
this sure feels familiar.
Munkustrap:
Then again, maybe we won’t screen it tonight.
Alonzo: I
wonder how Allison found out about Mimi?
Munkustrap:
Maybe a little bird told her.
Mungojerrie:
Or an angel. Here’s some money, I figured you guys would need it.
Munkustrap:
How’d you get that? Tutoring again?
Mungojerrie:
No, I rewired the ATM at the Food Emporium to provide an honorarium to anyone
with the code.
Alonzo: So
what’s the code? {pause}
Munkustrap:
Well?
Mungojerrie:
A-N-G-E-L
Alonzo:
{thoughtfully} No, I don’t like it. I think it’s too simple to
guess.
Rumpleteazer:
Mark! Roger! Anyone! Help! We’ve got Mimi but I can’t get
her up the stairs!
Munkustrap:
No!
{Alonzo
helps Rumpleteazer and Demeter bring Bombalurina over to the table
and lay her down}
Rumpleteazer:
She was all alone in the park and she was freezing and begged to come here.
Bombalurina:
Got a light? I know you… you’re shivering.
Demeter:
She’s been living on the street.
All: Duh!
Alonzo:
Here, we can buy some food for her, and some wood.
Mungojerrie:
I’m afraid she needs more than heat.
Bombalurina:
I heard that I’m not dead yet!
Rumpleteazer:
Collins will call for a doctor, honey.
Bombalurina:
Don’t waste your money on Mimi me… me
Munkustrap:
Oh what are we going to do?
Bombalurina:
Look, I should tell you about Benny -
Munkustrap:
I know. I should tell you why I left -
Bombalurina:
I know. I love you. {She goes limp}
Munkustrap:
Oh no you don’t! Before you go you have to hear my song! It may not be much,
but I slaved for a year to write it!
YOUR EYES:
Munkustrap: Your eyes are in my mind, and I see them everywhere. Now I know
how much I love you, I should tell you I have always loved you. You can see it
in my eyes…
Jemima:
What? keep going!
Munkustrap:
I can’t.
Jemima: And
why not?
Munkustrap:
It’s too sad.
{Bombalurina
giggles}
Jemima:
Quiet! You’re supposed to be almost dead!
Bombalurina:
{laughing even harder} I’m sorry, Jemima.
Jemima: No
you’re not! I suppose we should go to the final song then!
FINALE B:
Bombalurina: I {giggle} jumped over the moon! It was a leap of mooooo!
Rumpleteazer:
She’s back!
Bombalurina:
You bet I am! I was in a tunnel, heading for a warm, white light. And I swear
Angel was there! {She looks at Mungojerrie} And she looked GOOD! And she told me
to turn around and listen to Roger.. but that made me want to stay with her -
Munkustrap:
I admit I can’t play guitar! I tried!
Bombalurina:
But she sent me back here to be with all of you.
Munkustrap:
There is no future. There is no past. Thank God this moment’s
not the last. {All the cast enter}
All: NO DAY
BUT TODAY!
