(Scene begins in a small London shop. A Clerk stands behind the counter with his back turned. He hears a male voice clearing their throat behind him and turns around. No one is there)
Voice: Down ‘ere, bloke.
(The Clerk looks down at the counter, and there is a grinning orange, black, red and white tabby (Mungojerrie) sitting on his haunches. He is whereing a black robber's mask and holding a small pistol with both paws, aiming it right at the Clerk's face. Beside him are two burlap sacks, the size of sandwich bags.)
Cat: Good day, Gov’na. I’m a bank robba’. So, if ya don’t moind, your money or your life?
Clerk: By Jove, a talking cat!
(The Cat rolls his eyes in annoyance)
Cat: Yeah, I can talk. Ya got a problem wit tha’?
(The Clerk suddenly starts to laugh.)
Clerk: Careful there, kitty. You might hurt somebody with that.
(He starts reaching for the gun.)
Cat: Oh, wise guy, eh?
(He pulls back the hammer on the pistol.)
Cat: On your knees, bugga’!
(The Clerk, thoroughly spooked, obeys. He is now at eye level with the Cat, with the gun aimed between his eyes.)
Cat: Now, in case ya didn’t ‘ear me the first toime, your money or your life?
Clerk: But this is a botanical shop, sir. We don’t have much in the way of money.
(A look of horror spreads across the Cat’s face.)
Cat: Did you just say "botanical shop?"
Clerk: Yes.
(The Cat’s eyes nervously look from left to right, taking in his surroundings. Then he looks back at the Clerk.)
Cat: Uh...(long pause) Well wot ‘ave ya got, then?
Clerk: Flowers, lily pads, banana plants, lemon trees, herbs, seeds, and the like.
(Cat pauses, considering this.)
Cat: Er...Really? No large amounts o’ money in safes?
Clerk: No, sir.
Cat: No packs o’ thousand pound notes? No gold sovereigns?
Clerk: No. Certainly not.
(The Cat pauses again, then starts grumbling under his breath.)
Cat: Blast! Feline crime o’ the century an’ I go an’ walk in the wrong bloody door.
(He sits there for a minute, biting his lip as he tries to think of what to do next.)
Cat: Well, just a catnip plant then, please.
(Scene cuts to Rum Tum Tugger sitting at a beat up old desk in the middle of the Junkyard.)
Tugger: *Ahem* And now for something completely different.
Etcetera: (offstage) Yoohoo! Tuggy!
(Tugger cringes, glances to the right, and then runs away screaming in the opposite direction. Etcetera runs past the desk after him.)
(Scene changes to Munkustrap standing in a clearing in the Junkyard.)
Munkustrap: Right! Now let’s see something a little more respectable. Some good old military drilling.
(Camera pans over to 16 tomcats, all in neat little rows of four. They are all at a quadruped’s version of parade rest. Jennyanydots is in front of them.)
Jennyanydots: (shouting) Squad, attention!
(All snap to attention.)
Jennyanydots: Sound off!
(An electric rock guitar strikes up from somewhere)
Tomcats: (singing)
I - can't - get - no...sa-tis-fac-tion,
I - can't - get - no...sa-tis-fac-tion.
'Cause I try...and I try...and I try...and I try.
I can't get no, I can't get no.
When I'm drivin' in my car and that man comes on the radio
and he's tellin' me more and more about some useless
information supposed to fire my imagination.
I can't get no, oh no no no.
Hey hey hey, that's what I say-
Jennyanydots: NO! NO! NO! Stop! Cut that out!
(Music cuts off)
Jennyanydots: What do you all think you’re doing? You supposed to sing God Save The-
Tomcat: (interrupting) Hey, look! A camera!
(All the toms immediately run up to the camera and start pulling faces, sticking out their tongues, crossing their eyes or shaking their posteriors at it.)
(Camera quickly pans back to Munkustrap.)
Munkustrap: Hey! Stop that! Silly. Very silly indeed. (Grumbles under his breath) Stupid, immature louts. (looks back at the camera) Uh...Right! Now, Rumpuscat, teach these guys some discipline!
(Camera cuts to a warehouse. There are five toms (Alonzo, Admetus, Plato, Pouncival, and Tumblebrutus) lined up, all fidgeting nervously. Rumpuscat rushes up and salutes the camera.)
Rumpuscat: (shouting through out)Yes sir! (turns to class) Good morning class!
All: (timidly) ‘morning.
Rumpuscat: Today we will learn basic self defense. We shall start with learning how to defend yourselves against someone attacking you with a can of cat food.
(All begin complaining)
Alonzo: That’s the most daft thing I’ve ever heard!
Pouncival: Can’t we do something else?
Tumblebrutus: Like being attacked by five rats at once?
Rumpuscat: Shut up!
(All are silent)
Rumpuscat: Now, it’s simple to deal with someone coming after you with a can of cat food. Catch! (tosses a can to Alonzo) You just make him drop it. Then, you eat it. The assailant is now disarmed.
Plato: Suppose he’s got a pack.
Rumpuscat: Shut up, you! Right! Now you, Mr. Whiskas-
Alonzo: Alonzo!
Rumpuscat: Sorry, Alonzo. Come at me with the can. Come on! Attack me! Put something into it! No, no, no. Hold it high like that...Good! Now hiss!
Alonzo: HHHSSSSSS!
Rumpuscat: Great! Now attack me! Come on you wuss!
(Alonzo charges)
Alonzo: HHHHHHSSSSSSSSS!
(Rumpuscat pulls a lever and cinder block falls on Alonzo, squashing him proper.)
(Rumpuscat picks up the can from Alonzo’s limp paw and holds it up.)
Rumpuscat: Now, I eat the cat food. (swallows it, can and all.)
(All the other toms crowd around the flattened Alonzo.)
Tumblebrutus: He dead!
Admetus: You killed him!
(All of them lunge at Rumpuscat and the camera is knocked over backwards. There are sounds of hissing, screaming and ripping. Some bits of black and silver fur fall on the camera lens. Then silence.)
(Admetus comes into the view of the camera. He raises his paw and crushes it.)
(Static)
(Camera cuts to Victoria holding up a sign)
It reads:
(She flips the sign over)
THE END
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"Cats." ©1981 by Andrew Lloyd Webber and The Really Useful Group Ltd.
"And Now For Something Completely Different." ©1972 by the Monty Python Troupe.
"(I can’t get no) Satisfaction." Music and lyrics by Mick Jagger and Keith Richard of The Rolling Stones.
