Author's Note: For those of you who are culturally deprived: Yes, there actually is such a thing as Polynesian "Black Pearls." And yes, Hans is speaking German, "guten abend" is good evening, "fräulein" is Miss, and "gute nacht" is good night.
Preface:
Ever wonder if we give cats enough credit? What if they’re smarter than they let on? Humans can never really be sure just what their up to.
They are amazingly agile, silent as drifting smoke, and have natural night vision. All these together give you the perfect little commando.
Well, that is assuming they have a clue as to what they’re doing in the first place...
"Zzzzzzzz."
Night was just settling on the wealthy section of London known as Victoria Grove. The clear blue sky had changed to a starry black, with the crescent moon almost directly over head. A welcome summer breeze rustled the leaves of a rowan tree on the lawn of a rather stately mansion. Two orange, red, black, and white forms lay slumbering peacefully on a bough. It had been a very active day for Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer. The little bandits had once again wreaked havoc in their owner's house, which was a few doors down, and the mistress had promptly tossed the two out, for now.
Rumpelteazer stirred at the sound of a car engine getting closer. She blinked and let her eyes focus as a shiny silver Jaguar pulled up to the front gate. A young looking man in the full dress uniform of a Royal Navy Officer stepped out of the driver's side. He walked around to passenger's, and opened the door for a even younger woman who was wearing a beautiful blue evening gown.
"Walk you to your door, Anna?" the young man offered.
The woman smiled. "Certainly, Ian." She took his arm and they began walking up the long drive, chatting about their wonderful evening out together. About halfway up, Anna began pulling Ian to the side.
"Wait, where are we going?" Ian asked.
"Under the tree. If Father sees me kiss you by the door, he'll never let us go out again." she told him. Rumpel watched as the couple came under the rowan tree they were in.
Aw, ain't they a lovely pair. she thought. Then something caught her eye. It was the woman's necklace. At first, Rumpelteazer thought that Anna was wearing pearls, but then she saw that they were very dark, almost black, and shiny like silver. The reflection of the necklace shone in the cat’s eyes as a silly grin spread across her face. She turned and poked Mungojerrie.
"Wake up." she whispered, "Come on, Jerrie."
Jerrie gave a snort. "Hmm, wha'?"
"Look, down there." Rumpel pointed at the humans just below them, who were now sharing a long kiss.
"So? 'umans. Big deal." Jerrie retorted.
"No, no. Look wha' she's got 'round 'er neck."
Jerrie followed her gaze and then the same expression Rumpel wore spread across his face.
"Look a' the soize o' those pearls." he whispered dreamily.
"Pearls? Those are pearls?"
"Oh yes. They calls 'em 'black pearls.' Come all the way from Polynesia. Very rare." he said. They looked at each other.
"Are you thinkin'--?" Rumpel began.
"--wha' I'm thinkin'? Jerrie finished.
Rumpelteazer gave one of her signature giggles, and this time Mungojerrie laughed right along with her.
"Yoink!" Jerrie said between snickers.
Their hilarity unfortunately startled the humans below (to them it sounded like meowing). Anna looked up and spotted them. "Get out of there, you little monsters! Go on, shoo!" she yelled at them. The two cats responded with an angry hiss, then they jumped from the tree and bounded over the wall on the side of the property. There they stopped and peered back over the top at the humans, unseen. The human couple walked up to the front door, said their good-byes, and then Anna went inside, greeted by her father and a rather nasty looking Pit Bull. Ian went back to his sports car and sped off.
"Come on, Jerrie. I know where 'er bedroom is." Rumpelteazer said.
After waiting several minutes, the two cat burglars jumped back over the wall and ran up to the side of the house. They carefully climbed the ivy on the chimney three stories up and then agilely jumped sideways on to a window ledge. Inside, they could see Anna walking around her room in her night gown. She placed the pearl necklace in a jewelry box, locked it, and then slipped the key lanyard over her head. She shooed the Pit Bull out of the room. "Go on, Caesar." And then she locked the door behind him.
Mungojerrie thumped his paw on the ledge. "Blast! 'ow are we gonna ge' in?"
Rumpelteazer looked around the room for an idea. "Well, these windows are locked. So’s the door...Wait. Look, Jerrie, there's a vent in the ceilin'." She pointed. "And it's righ' ova' the box."
Jerrie stared at the vent, a plan forming in his head. "I think I’ve go’ me an idea, Rumpel, but 'ow do we ge' the box open if she's got the key 'round 'er neck?"
Rumpel swatted his ear. "Oh, come off it! You know I can pick locks."
"Righ', I knew tha'." he said, rubbing his ear. "Come on, let's go back ta our 'ideout. I think I know ‘ow we can ge’ in."
Their "hideout" was actually just a tool shed in their owner's back yard that the humans never used. It afforded everything their profession needed: privacy from prying eyes and ears, security for their vast "art collection," and, of course, tools. Jerrie started explaining his plan to Rumpel.
"Tha’ 'ouse used ta be coal 'eated, righ'?" he said, "So there's a chute on the soide where the deliv'ry man used ta pour it in. The plan is we sloide down the chute, then we goes in ta the new oil furnace an'--"
"Go in ta the furnace?! Are you dotty?!" Rumpel exclaimed.
"It's the middle o' bleedin' August!"
"Oh, righ'."
"Anyways, we goes up the vent shafts and, because 'all roads lead ta Rome,' or, in our case, all ducts lead ta the furnace, (hehe) we end up above tha' vent you saw. Then I lowers ya down on a rope, you gets the necklace, I pulls you up, an' we're ou’ o' there in a flash."
" 'ey! Why do I 'ave ta be lowered down?"
"One: I'm stronger." Rumpel made a face.
"Two: you're lighta'." She smiled at this.
"And three: you're the one 'oo can pick locks. Rememba'?"
Rumpel swelled with pride. "That's righ'! Oh, Jerrie, this 'll be our biggest job yet! The 'umans 'll be scratchin' their 'eads for weeks!"
"Yeah. ‘umans. They ‘aven’t got a clue, ‘ave they?"
They traveled light. Jerrie coiled up a thin rope (the only equipment they’d need) and looped it over his head.
The stealthy pair made their way silently back to the mansion and around to the side. On the brick wall was the coal chute door. Jerrie jumped up and grasped the handle. With all his strength, he managed to pull the rusty thing open. The two cat burglars jumped inside and rode the chute all the way down to the basement, landing in a heap at the bottom beside a pile of coal dust.
"Ge' off me! You're crushin' my ribs!" Jerrie yelled.
Rumpel got off and started to protest. "It's not my f--" Her nose suddenly wrinkled up.
"ah...Ah...AH-CHOO!"
A dense cloud of coal dust erupted in her face from the sneeze. When it settled, Jerrie saw that it had covered her entire head. Her eyes opened and blinked a few times.
"Hahahaha!"
"What's so blinkin' funny?" she snapped.
"Your ‘ead’s all black. Ya look loike a blinkin’ tadpole!"
"Oh, shut up!" She shook out her fur until it was clean again.
"Righ'. Enough foolin' around." she said.
They climbed into the furnace and started moving through the heating ducts. Luckily, they were all new, so there wasn't any soot residue. The pair followed the vent shafts through a long winding path and, after some time, they had reached the bedroom vent.
"Are you sure this is it?" Rumpel asked.
"Of course it is. Listen, you can 'ear 'er snorin'."
Rumpel put her ear to the vent bars and heard Anna snoring softly. A smile spread across her face, and that was all the warning Jerrie needed. He immediately clapped a paw over her mouth before she could giggle.
"Mmph!"
"If you laugh while we're doin' this, I swear I'll bloody tie your ears in a knot!" He took his paw off.
"I can control meself!" she snapped.
Jerrie reached through the bars and undid the latch, making the vent swing open. "We'll see."
He tied the rope securely around her back legs, then he backed up from the hole and wrapped his tail around a pipe. Rumpel took a deep breath and then carefully climbed head first down the hole. Jerrie lowered her very slowly, paw over paw. When he felt her tug on the rope he stopped and clamped it in his jaws.
Down below Rumpel's head was about fifteen centimeters from the dresser top, with the jewelry box right in front of her face, inverted of course. She unsheathed a well kept claw and carefully inserted it into the lock.
Old lever locks, this'll be a snap. she thought.
Up above, Mungojerrie was already sweating profusely, trying to hold his partner's entire weight with his teeth. His tail started to unwind from the pipe and he slid forward ever so slightly.
Back down below, Rumpelteazer had patiently poked around for several minutes, and finally she heard that sweet sound. Click. Haha! Victo
ry! She gingerly lifted the lid and pulled out the black pearl necklace, which glittered beautifully in the moonlight. Rumpel bent agilely at the mid section and put it on, wrapping it three times before it fit her small neck. She was about to tug on the rope again when it sudden gave out. Her head struck the dresser top and then she tumbled down to the floor. Jerrie had fallen through the hole and came down with the rope, landing on his feet as silent as a leaf. He immediately ran to Rumpel's side and pulled her and the rope under the bed before the human could wake up and see them. Rumpelteazer's eyes were closed and she wasn't moving.
"Oh God, I'm so sorry!" He moaned tearfully, cradling her head in his front paws, "I just couldn't 'old on any longa'. Please, give me a sign tha' you're aloive!"
As if on cue, her eyes opened and she smacked him across the nose. "Are you tryin' ta bloody kill me!" she shrieked, "Yer lucky all I 'ave is a nasty bump on me 'ead!"
"Shhhhh. All I care abou' is tha' your okay."
"Really? Jerrie, I believe you're gettin' sen'imen'al on me."
They were interrupted by a shifting in the bed above. A pair of feet came down near the two cats, then a hand reached under the bed and started feeling around, centimeters from there faces. Jerrie spotted a pair of slippers nearby. He ran to them and carefully pushed them towards the hand. It grabbed the slippers and put them on the feet, which proceeded to walk to the door and exit.
Mungojerrie quickly coiled up the rope and put it around his neck. "Come on, Rumpel, let's ge' ou' o' 'ere. We can't go through the ceilin', so we'll 'ave ta leave through the door Miss Anna just opened when she went ta the lavatory."
Rumpelteazer gathered herself up and adjusted the necklace. The couple of burglars padded silently over to the door and Jerrie peeked out. The hall led only to the left, with many doors on either side and stares at the end. "Bollix!" he exclaimed.
"What's the ma'er?"
" 'Caesar' is asleep across the top o' the stares. Don't panic, I think we can make a run for the library."
He took another look outside and then motioned for her to follow. Together they dashed halfway down the hall and just made the open library door on the right as the Pit Bull stirred and awoke. Jerrie peered very carefully out of the doorway and then jumped back. " 'e's comin' this way! Quick, 'ide!"
Rumpelteazer frantically searched around for a hiding place. She was in a corner of the room when she heard growling behind her. Rumpel spun around, and there was the dog, a few meters away, slowly closing in. Mungojerrie was nowhere in sight. Summoning all her courage, Rumpel flattened her ears, barred her fangs and puffed out her fur, hoping to make the Pit Bull think twice. No effect.
Oh, God. I’m done for.
Rumpel squeezed her eyes shut, waiting for the horrible teeth to sink into her flank.
There came a hollow Clunk! She opened her eyes, and there was Jerrie's triumphantly grinning face. Behind him was Caesar, unconscious, a rather large dictionary lying next to his head.
"Come on, we're still not ou' o' the woods."
They dashed back out into the hallway and down the steps all the way to the ground floor, where they started looking for a way out. They passed through the kitchen, where Mungojerrie promptly tossed his cumbersome rope into the trash; he could always get a new one later. But then his nose picked up a familiar and intoxicating scent. His attention was drawn to a round clay vessel on the counter. Trance like, he started walking towards it, oblivious to Rumpelteazer’s protests.
"What do ya think you’re doin’?! We don’t ‘ave time fer this!"
Jerrie lifted the lid on the clay vessel and inhaled deeply. Ah, Ginger Snaps! My favorite. He popped one into his mouth, slightly curious that Rumpel’s complaints had stopped. He was reaching for another when a noise made him turn around. Too late. All he saw was the blue color of the blanket before it suddenly enveloped him. The maid who had captured him carried him hissing and thrashing to a cardboard box and dropped him in next to Rumpel.
"Caught with your hand in cookie jar, literally." the maid said cheerfully, shutting the lid on them, "I don’t know how you two got in here, but Master Warren doesn’t care for cats in his house."
Inside the box, Rumpel, of course, gave Jerrie another slap, this time on the back his head.
"Ow! Stop doin’ tha’!"
"You deserve it ya blitherin’ idiot! First you drop me on me ‘ead, then you start goin’ after cookies like they’re catnip, and now, we’re officially caught! You and your blinkin’ stomach!"
" ‘ey, I did save yer life!"
By now, Jerrie noticed that she still had the pearls around her neck. Apparently the maid hadn’t noticed them we she caught Rumpel.
"I suppose all we can do now is wait fer the Pound man ta come." she said.
Suddenly the box was harshly tipped over, and out they tumbled. They were on the front porch of the house.
"And don’t let me catch you in here again! Or it’s off to the pound with you!" The maid slammed the door shut behind them.
Not wasting a second, they raced across the front lawn and down the walk, skidding to a stop near the gate.
"We were sure lucky tha’ maid was so noice, or we’d be gone fer sure." Jerrie said.
"No thanks ta you!" Rumpel snapped.
Both of them suddenly went silent at the sound of a voice. On the other side of the wall they could hear someone humming. Rumpelteazer peeked out this time.
"It's just Hans makin' 'is rounds." she said.
The two cat burglers breathed a sigh of relief. "Hans" was the neighborhood police dog. The big German Shepherd had taken a strange liking to the pair of cats, mainly because he wasn't all that bright. He never seemed catch on to what they were really up to, and instead he would often chat with them on the street when they ran into him.
Trying to looked as casual as possible, Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer stepped through the gate just as Hans was approaching. He stopped humming and greeted them.
"Oh, guten abend! Vhat are you two doing out zo late?"
Rumpel giggled nervously. "Oh, just ou' for a evenin' stroll."
"Oh, okay. Might I zay zhat is a vonderful necklace, fräulein."
"Why thank you, Hans. Well, we must be on our way. Cheerio an' all tha'."
"Gute nacht."
They continued walking past him as calmly as they could. Hans went back to humming and trotting in the opposite direction. Suddenly he froze dead in his tracks.
"Vait a minute. Zince vhen do cats vhere necklaces?!"
He spun around, growling angrily. But too late. The Cockney bandits had already vanished.
THE END, until next crime.
