Mistoffelees: (to Pouncival) Shut up.

Gus: (as dragon) ROAR!

Mistoffelees: (not realizing it's just Gus, and petrified) You… you can't hurt me, I have Magic Sword!

Gus: Oh, for goodness sakes, put that thing away, I've had enough violence in my life.

Mistoffelees: Oh, really? Oh, that's very refreshing.

Gus: Here's the deal. I'll let you in if you can answer my riddle.

Mistoffelees: I'm not very good at riddles.

Gus: Are you better at getting eaten? What has two eyes, two ears, and a very short life?

Mistoffelees: I don't know.

Gus: Close enough. LOWER THE DRAWBRIDGE!

Mistoffelees: (walks through open drawbridge) That must be the tall tower where the princess lies languishing.

Munkustrap: Yes, here I am, languish languish.

Mistoffelees: In the dim lit cell…

Munkustrap: Oh, this cell is so dimly lit…

Mistoffelees: With her spirit unbroken.

Munkustrap: MAN, YOU BETTER GET ME OUT OF HERE OR YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE!

Pouncival: Watch closely as our brave hero…

Mistoffelees: Will you stop that?

Pouncival: Mistoffelees climbs the side of the tall tower to reach our hapless damsel in distress!

Mistoffelees: Don't give up hope, Dolen, I'm coming to save you!

Munkustrap: Well, use the service entrance peasant!

Mistoffelees: Princess, princess, I am here! Come, we can away through the window!

Munkustrap: What? No, not a chance buster, I'm scared of heights.

Mistoffelees: You are not!

Munkustrap: Yes I am!

Mistoffelees: No you are not. Anyway, you don't have anything to worry about as long as I have these magic pearls.

Munkustrap: Magic pearls? What magic pearls?

Mistoffelees: The ones you gave me!

Munkustrap: I never give anybody magic pearls. It was a loan. Give 'em back.

Mistoffelees: But…

Munkustrap: Fork 'em over, buster!

Mistoffelees: (hands them to Princess Dolen)

Macavity: (entering with Plato) Grab them, seize them!

Plato: Why should we do that? They're already in prison!

Macavity: Do as I say, oaf!

Mistoffelees: Don't worry, Dolen, I'll save you! (runs over and tries to draw his sword) My sword's stuck, give me the pearls!

Munkustrap: You're going to fight them with some magic pearls? You might as well do a dance to spring. No sirrie Bob, the pearls stay with me.

Mistoffelees: C'mon, gimmie the pearls!

Plato: (grabs Mistoffelees)

Macavity: (laughing at Misto) Nothing, NOTHING you do will save her!

Mistoffelees: So it seems.

Munkustrap: I keep the pearls.

Macavity: (to Princess Dolen) As for you, I have planned a torturous and gruesome death!

Munkustrap: You realize, Macavity, that this means we are through. Absolutely tha-rough.

Pouncival: Meanwhile, back in the village…

Demeter: Hear ye, hear ye…

Skimbleshanks: Hey, town crier baby, what's happening?

Demeter: (unrolling scroll) Mistoffelees, Peasant of… uhm, what is he peasant of?

Mungojerrie: I dunno…

Pouncival: Cheese!

Mistoffelees: (from offstage) I refuse to be Peasant of Cheese.

Demeter: Well, what do you want then?

Skimbleshanks: Just make something up.

Demeter: Okay. Mistoffelees, Peasant of Tork…

Pouncival: Oh, yeah, that makes sense.

Demeter: Shut up. Anyway, Mistoffelees, Peasant of Tork, has been caught trespassing on Knight Macavity's estate and will be executed.

Mungojerrie: GASP!

Skimbleshanks: When?

Demeter: It doesn't say, you'll have to wait for the late edition.

Skimbleshanks: Oh, thanks, town crier baby. We'll be seeing ya!

Skimbleshanks, Mungojerrie, and Tugger: (run off)

Pouncival: Meanwhile, back in Knight Macavity's Estate…

Bombalurina: Must you do that?

Pouncival: Well, yeah! How else are they going to know where we are?

Bombalurina: Point.

Munkustrap: (shrieks) ACK! Get your paws OFF me!

Mistoffelees: I didn't do anything! I promise!

Munkustrap: EH! Letch…

Pouncival: Meanwhile, featuring our village people in the woods…

Deuteronomy: Y-M-C-A…

Mungojerrie: Trudge, trudge, trudge…

Skimbleshanks: Y'know, we've been looking for that castle for three days, we're liable to get lost!

Mungojerrie: I have a plan! We'll split up, go in three separate directions, leave a trail of bread crumbs wherever we go, then follow them back!

Skimbleshanks: What if the birds eat the crumbs?

Mungojerrie: Ea-eh, follow the birds.

Skimbleshanks: Good thinking.

Mungojerrie, Skimbleshanks, and Tugger: (split up)

Alonzo: Oh, help me woodsman, oh help me!Tugger: 'Lonzo, what are you DOING?

Alonzo: Not Alonzo, brave woodsman, LonzoLocks!

Tugger: Oh good Heaviside… 'e's cracked.

Alonzo: Save me! The two bears are chasing me from their home!

Tugger: TWO bears? I thought there were three!

Alonzo: Well, the papa bear kinda wanted me to hang around.

Tugger: (nods and slooooowly edges off)

Pouncival: And, once again back to the tower…

Munkustrap: Hey. What do you think they're really going to do?

Mistoffelees: Well, they wouldn't kill a real princess.

Munkustrap: Oh, no, they wouldn't kill me. Must be some kinda joke.

Macavity: It's time to die!

Mistoffelees: So let's laugh it up… then again, you aren't a real princess. You're a Tomcat dressed up like one.

Munkustrap: Shaddup.

Mungojerrie, Skimbleshanks, and Tugger: (congregating at the front of the castle)

Mungojerrie: Well, there's the castle they said no cat could get in alive.

Gus: ROAR!

Mungojerrie: And now I know why. Let's split.

Skimbleshanks: No, Mungojerrie. We have to save Mistoffelees and Princess Dolen.

Tugger: We do?

Skimbleshanks: (sighs and grabs them both by the ear)

Gus: I'll let you in on one condition. You can answer my riddle. What had six ears, six eyes, and a very short life?

Mungojerrie: Three dumb peasants.

Gus: Hey… that's right!

Tugger: HOW did you know that? That's pretty good 'Jerrie.

Gus: Lower the drawbridge! (drawbridge falls down)

Mungojerrie, Skimbleshanks, and Tugger: (enter)

Pouncival: And then, at the roof of the castle!

Macavity: Over the parapet with you, Dolen!

Munkustrap: Ahh! Ahh!

Macavity: Goodbye, and good riddance!

Munkustrap: Wait you dingbat! Who's going to feed the goldfish?

Macavity: (double take) WHAT goldfish?

Munkustrap: I dunno…

Mungojerrie: Don't worry, Dolen and Misto! We're here to save you!

Mistoffelees: Mungojerrie! Tugger! Mis.. eh, Skimbleshanks! You've come!

Macavity: (to Munkustrap) Flee, flee in terror! This is no place for a woman! This is MAN'S work.

Munkustrap: Ah! Ah! (punches Macavity in the chest and runs off to watch from the sidelines)

Macavity: Attack, Plato! Attack!

Pouncival: Witness as our brave heroes attack the evil villains! Oh, the carnage… oh… Oh, wait, nope, that's the news.

Bombalurina: POUNCIVAL! Focus.

Tugger: (to Mungojerrie and Skimbleshanks as he fights Plato) Can't you two help too, I'm doing all the fighting!

Pouncival: Hooray for Tugger!

Mungojerrie: Hey, Mistoffelees! Where's the pearls!?

Pouncival: Hooray for Mungojerrie!

Mistoffelees: I don't have it! She made me give it back!

Munkustrap: Darn right I took it back, they're my pearls.

Rumpleteazer: No, they're MINE!

Munkustrap: Whatever.

Macavity: (to Mistoffelees as they are fighting w/ daggers) You know, basically I'm a very non-violent person.

Mistoffelees: Oh really? That's very refreshing.

Macavity and Mistoffelees: (lay daggers aside and start arm wrestling)

Pouncival: Hooray for Mistoffelees!

Mistoffelees: Ack! I'm losing! I'm losing!

Tugger: So are we! (looks at non-fighting companions) I. So am I!

Munkustrap: Well, if you're going to lose the fight, here's the pearls! (tosses them to Mistoffelees)

Mistoffelees: (catches them and promptly beats Macavity)

Macavity: I give up!

Plato: Well, if you give up, then I give up too.

Macavity: I give up.

Mungojerrie: Yay! We won!

Munkustrap: Oh, he won, he won!

Pouncival: Hooray for the good guys!

Munkustrap: (after the fight to a bound Macavity) Well, you have kidnapped and threatened to kill the woman you were going to marry. I hope you have some sort of explanation for this.

Macavity: I despise you!

Munkustrap: I didn't ask for an apology, stupid. (to Mistoffelees) And you, my knight in shining armor. By way of reward, I will grant you anything your heart desires.

Mistoffelees: Anything?

Munkustrap: Oh, anything at all!

Mistoffelees: (to Tugger, Skimbleshanks, and Mungojerrie) What'll I ask for?

Skimbleshanks: Ask her to marry you!

Mistoffelees:< Oh, I couldn't do that…

Skimbleshanks: Oh, go ahead!

Mistoffelees: Princess?

Munkustrap: Yes?

Mistoffelees: Princess, will you marry me?

Munkustrap: No I won't marry you!

Mistoffelees: Why… Munkustrap!

Munkustrap: (taking off wig, hat, and such) Yeah, man, I've already got Demeter, ya know.

Mistoffelees: Well, it's a good thing you thought of that.

Munkustrap: Yeah…

Mungojerrie: And that wraps up another hilarious situational comedy by us. The Jellicles. And this is…

Tugger: Aw, 'Jerrie, don't go there.

Mungojerrie: Fine.

Plato: How come I had to be the other bad guy? I didn't do anything. Why couldn't I have been the hero?

Alonzo: Yeah… uhm… well…

Pouncival: Alonzo, you can take that Goldielocks costume off now.

Alonzo: Oh… right…. Yeah…

Bombalurina: I'm just going to end this before you crazy cats do anything more damaging to the sanity of today's youth!

Pouncival: What sanity?

Jemima: (comes running out with big sign and points it towards the camera)

Pouncival: Narrator
Bombalurina: Lady Director
Skimbleshanks: Michael Nesmith
Rum Tum Tugger: Davy Jones
Mungojerrie: Micky Dolenz
Mistoffelees: Peter Tork
Munkustrap: Princess Gwen
Macavity: Evil Knight Harold
Plato: Richard
Tumblebrutus: Horseman 1
Asparagus: Horseman 2
Rumpleteazer: The Fairy of the Locket
Etcetera: Little Red Riding Hood
Cassandra: Hansel
Victoria: Gretal
Alonzo: Goldielocks
Demeter: Town Crier
Gus: Impenetrable Dragon of the Moat
Jemima: Resident Sign-Carrier
Old Deuteronomy: Background Music ala the Village People