Fire and Rain
The rain beat down, pattering relentlessly against the roof of the top hat. Mistoffelees stared blankly out at the night, the tears on his cheeks a ghostly echo of the water pouring out of the sky.
Had he still had the power or will to sense anything other than the deep pain in his soul, he would have noticed the biting wind cutting through his fur and chilling his skin and the burning in his eyes from too many tears.
But those things seemed trivial now.
A gray shadow blocked his view of the outdoors as Munkustrap stepped into the house, eyes cautiously watching the black and white Tom.
"Mistoffelees?"
The magical cat gave no indication that he had heard or even seen Munkustrap.
"I'm… sorry." The words seemed too small, too insignificant, considering the present situation. "We tried…"
Mistoffelees nodded once, slowly.
Munkustrap ventured further. "You need to… move on, Misto. I know it hurts, but…"
"You don't know," Mistoffelees interrupted, finally focusing distraught brown eyes on the Jellicle leader.
"Everyone loses someone…" Munkustrap started, but Mistoffelees cut him off again.
"You don't know, and you don't understand. Everyone I have ever loved is lost to me; everyone that ever bothered to let me know that I meant something. I barely even knew my parents, and now…" His voice broke. "Now the only other cat that ever let me know that my being there had an impact on her life is gone."
"Don't say that, Misto, you've had an impact on the lives of many…"
"But whoever stopped to tell m e? Who else ever treated me like I mattered?" Mistoffelees shook his head. "You may have lost a sister, Munkustrap, but I lost my mate. My best friend. The other half of who I am. And those wounds don't heal, Munku. No amount of time can ever take away the loneliness of a shattered lifebonding. You could never understand." With those words, he walked out, leaving Munkustrap staring after him.
Stumbling aimlessly though the downpour, Mistoffelees finally collapsed, soaked, into the car trunk. Burying his face in his shaking paws, Mistoffelees tried to block out the sound of the pounding rain, for it was surfacing more memories than he cared for.
Jadadaye curled up next to him in the old warehouse, feverish and shaking…
The two of them in their home, content and cuddling as the spring rains lightly pattered down…
Words spoken, whispered, promised, echoing hauntingly in his ears by a voice never to speak again…
The simple feeling of knowing she was there, next to him…
All gone, scattered like dry leaves by a harsh wind. Shattered like a glass flung against the wall and leaving him alone to pick up the pieces. Unable to bear it any longer, Mistoffelees curled up into a tight ball, body shaking. No tears graced his cheeks - he had none left to give.
Exhausted, Mistoffelees slid into an uneasy and fitful sleep.
Munkustrap watched Mistoffelees doze, pain and hesitation warring in his eyes.
"He definitely said they were lifebonded?" Tantomile asked softly.
Munkustrap nodded once.
"I can't imagine why they wouldn't have told us," Coricopat murmured. "If we had known…"
"I'm sure they had their reasons," Munkustrap broke in tightly. "But now we should be more worried about Mistoffelees. He needs help healing this… pain…"
Tantomile and Coricopat exchanged a look.
"Munkustrap…" Tantomile said slowly.
When she didn't finish, Coricopat did. "One who is lifebonded rarely survives their mate's death. There is no cure. Either he or she copes or…" The sentence didn't need finishing.
Munkustrap glanced at them, then back at Mistoffelees. "He's going to die, isn't he?" Munkustrap said softly.
Coricopat looked at the ground and Tantomile nodded sadly.
Running a paw over his face, Munkustrap slowly shuffled away, the turmoils of leadership beginning to rest heavily on his shoulders.
When Mistoffelees awoke, it was to silence. The rain had stopped and the proper was empty, leaving only the eerie half mist and dampness that remained after a hard rainfall.
I'm not surprised no one is here, Mistoffelees thought bitterly. They've all been avoiding me since… Unable to finish that thought, he skipped over it and continued on. After all, a depressed magician - who knows what I might do. The only one who's bothered to talk to me is Munkustrap and… Mistoffelees paused. And he doesn't understand.
Somehow, his thinking was rational despite the feeling that he was just going to collapse to the ground, sobbing. Everything hurt; his stomach was loudly protesting its current emptiness, his head throbbed, his muscles ached…
And it still felt as if someone had torn away half of what made Mistoffelees who he was.
Slumping to the ground, Mistoffelees buried his face in his crossed arms, desperately trying to hang onto the shred of control he had grasped moments earlier.
"Mistoffelees." The word was said simply, more a greeting than anything else.
The small cat raised his head and looked into the eyes of the gray and black tabby standing there.
"Feeling any better?"
"No," Mistoffelees replied shortly.
Munkustrap took a deep breath. "Any chance of getting you to talk rationally?"
"Define rationally," Mistoffelees said quietly.
"Misto, what do you want?" Munkustrap said, feeling frustrated. "I'm trying, what can I do?"
"You don't want me to answer that."
"Yes, I do! Misto, I want to help, but I can't help if you won't tell me how."
Mistoffelees looked up and stared directly into Munkustrap's eyes. "I want to die, and unless you're going to kill me…"
Munkustrap's jaw dropped.
"I can't take it anymore, Munkustrap! You don't know how hard…"
"You can't take it because you won't try," Munkustrap snapped, having found his voice.
Mistoffelees' eyes narrowed. "That's a lie. You know nothing…"
"You won't even try," Munkustrap repeated. "You just gave up. Do you think that's what Jadadaye would want you to do? Just give up because she's not there?"
Mistoffelees' ears flattened to the back of his head and he hissed. "Shut up!"
"Can't you even admit it to yourself?"
Tears rolled down Mistoffelees' cheeks. "Munkustrap, stop it… please…"
"Afraid to hear the truth?"
With a small moan, Mistoffelees crumpled to the ground. Tugger had walked into the proper just in time to witness the tail end of the conversation.
"What did you think you were doing?" Tugger snapped at Munkustrap as the taller, maned cat picked Mistoffelees up gently.
"I don't… don't know…" Munkustrap stuttered, alarmed by what had happened.
Without another word to the Jellicle leader, Tugger left with Mistoffelees. Munkustrap followed hesitantly, wondering what he had just done.
Jellylorum was shocked when Tugger carried in the barely conscious magician and lay him on a cot; she was even more surprised when Tantomile shoved her aside to kneel by Mistoffelees' bedside. Cradling him in her arms to his head rested on her chest, she rocked back and forth slowly. "Don't worry, baby," she murmured soothingly. "It won't be long now. Don't worry."
Jellylorum turned to Coricopat, who hovered behind Tantomile along with Tugger. "What's happening here?" she asked, voice cracking.
Tugger also turned cautious blue eyes to Coricopat, eyes that silently asked the same question.
"He…" Coricopat started. "He's…"
"He's dying, isn't he," Tugger said softly. It wasn't a question.
"He is."
Tugger walked slowly over to Mistoffelees and knelt down beside him. The others in the room grew quiet, unsure of what Tugger was going to do. The relationship that the kitten's idol and the tribe's magician had was precarious at best.
Taking the gamble that the smaller cat was still aware enough to understand him, Tugger began to speak quietly. "Kid, I know things between us have never been great. I don't… if I didn't think I'd never get another chance to tell you this, I might never be saying this. I respect you, Mistoffelees, and I always have. You possess a great deal of… passion for… life in itself, for everything. For your magic, for your dancing, and in a way, I envy you for it. I know things are better this way, but… I regret that our tribe has to loose someone so… special." His eyes seemed to well up with tears before he blinked them away. "I'll miss you, Mistoffelees," Tugger finished, barely audible. Giving the magician's paw a gentle squeeze, Tugger turned and left before any of his friends could say a word.
Munkustrap stood there, moved by what the Tugger had said. Something tried to make him go over there, to say something of the sort to Mistoffelees, but he couldn't. Turning around, he briskly walked off.
Coricopat turned and watched the Jellicle leader go. Jellylorum hurried out after him, and Coricopat went to sit by his sister. Mistoffelees' eyes were half closed and he leaned against Tantomile like there was no strength left in his body.
"This isn't hurting him, is it?" Coricopat asked, pitched so only Tantomile would hear him.
She paused before answering. "I don't know." Her voice was likewise toned. "It shouldn't, but… I honestly don't know. All we can do is be here for him, right now."
Minutes ticked by, melding into hours. Patiently, Coricopat and Tantomile remained, determined to stay with Mistoffelees until the end. The two psychic cats knew they couldn't leave him alone at this time because he wouldn't be able to handle it. A deathly quiet had settled over the entire area, so the twins started when Mistoffelees spoke.
"I didn't even get to say goodbye," he murmured softly.
"What?" Tantomile asked, being the first to recover from her shock.
"Jellylorum told me she'd be okay for awhile, that I should go rest. I never got to say goodbye…" He closed his eyes tightly. "I sometimes think… that it wouldn't be so bad if I had. If I'd been there…" His lower lip trembled. "I just woke up that morning, and they told me she was gone. It was so hard to believe at first, but… it sunk in after awhile."
Tantomile stroked his ears and Coricopat's light tenor filled the new silence. "I… don't know how to say this, but I don't think having been with her would have softened the blow. The two of you ar… were so close, lifebonded - destined to be together, it was inevitable that this would happen. I don't think it is possible for one of you to live without the other."
"Cori's right," Tantomile agreed. "There'd be times were your presences were indistinguishable from each other, so close you might have been one cat."
Mistoffelees sighed. "She was… not only my mate, she was my best friend. I… I didn't think anyone understood."
"We understand," Coricopat assured him. "I know that I would feel the same way should I loose Tantomile."
"There was nothing you could do," Tantomile said softly. "No way to prevent this from happening. But we are sorry to lose you as well."
No response came from Mistoffelees, not that they expected one. He understood what they were saying, they knew that much, but he was exhausted.
"It won't be long," Tantomile repeated quietly to reassure Mistoffelees. "It's going to be okay."
Still more hours had past but with no apparent end in sight. Mistoffelees' breathing had become shallow and labored and as far as Tantomile and Coricopat could tell, he should have been long gone.
"Something's not right here," Tantomile murmured as she gazed down at the cat lying limply in her lap. Reaching out with her other sense, Tantomile brushed against Mistoffelees' consciousness, searching for what was wrong. It didn't take long before she found it.
"Coricopat…" she said slowly, coming out of her trance. "He can't leave, someone is tying him to this earth."
"What?" Coricopat asked, startled. "I didn't think… who?"
"Munkustrap."
"Munkustrap?" Coricopat said quietly. "Can I talk to you?"
"Yes?" Munkustrap said coldly, slowly turning around.
"You…" Coricopat sighed. "You need to let Mistoffelees go."
"What? What are you talking about?"
"You need to let him go. I don't know how, but you are tying him to this world."
"You want me to let him die?"
Coricopat nodded sadly. "Effectively, yes."
"I can't believe…"
"Munkustrap, you are torturing him! He can't live like this." Coricopat sighed. "Please, Munku. I know you don't want to, but… you need to."
Munkustrap was silent for a long while. "What do I need to so?"
"Your mind refuses to let Mistoffelees die. You…" Coricopat paused. "You need to admit to yourself that he can't hang on; that it isn't his fault. And that it's all right for him to… move on."
"I… can't…"
"You must," Coricopat persisted.
"I don't… want to lose another," Munkustrap whispered.
"Nobody does," Coricopat said quietly. "But it's better this way and deep down you know it."
"You're right," Munkustrap murmured, shoulders slumping in defeat and resignation.
Tantomile felt the invisible bonds release and Mistoffelees stilled. Careful not to jostle the body, she slowly got to her feet. Going out into the proper, Tantomile jerked to a stop. The figures barely visible, she watched in amazement as Mistoffelees ran into Jadadaye's arms. The nearly transparent red-brown cat swung her white and black mate around before the two of them just stood, hugging each other tightly. Slowly, the image faded.
Tantomile smiled sadly, paw brushing tears from her face.
