Author's Note: This was originally written as a school project with humans as the characters. To modify for Cats I had to make them humanized cats. Think Disney i.e. Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, Goofy, etc. I changed the first name of my characters to the name of the cat I felt best fit, and kept the original last name.
The story is a short spoof on detective stories set in a humanized cat world of Jellicle, WI.
It was a dark and stormy night. Detective Inspector Skimbleshanks O'Malley told Mrs. Bombalurina Van Snob, "In answer to your snide question, the celebrated private detective Mistoffelees Smyth-Jones, called us all here to expose the murderer."
"But Defective, er, Detective O'Malley, why don't you just figure out who did it, arrest them, and let the rest of us go home?"
"Because, as you know," replied O'Malley, the head of the Jellicle, Wisconsin Homicide Squad, "the police are all inate bunglers when it comes to solving crime. Murders especially can only be solved by an outside investigator."
"I'm glad you all came here. Your compliance with my request, though manditory, is greatly appreciated." Mistoffelees Smyth-Jones stated to his audience. "I will now explain the facts of the murder of Mr. Rum Tum Cadaver on Aug 13. I will also prove why three of you couldn't have done it and the fourth one did. Before I start are there any questions?"
"Yeah," snarled Mungojerrie Schmuckatelli, a local gangster, "why don't you tell us who the murderer is now instead of going through all those explanations?"
"But sir, that's the way it's always been done." responded Munkustrap Armstrong, Smyth-Jones' totally incompetent assistant.
"Now that my 'assistant' has answered your question Mr. Schmuckatelli, we can get on with it. Mr. Cadaver was found face down in the bathtub of his room at the Picatsso Plaza witha knife protruding from his back at 9:20 A.M. by Mr. Asparagus Butler. I will now elucidate the circumstances that brought each of you here.
"First you Mrs. Bombalurina Van Snob. Motive: You were Rum Tum Cadaver's mistress until last month when he spurned you for his twenty-year old secretary, Miss Etcetera Flufferin. Opportunity: You were seen leaving the victim's hotel room at 11:30 P.M. on the night he was murdered. As for..."
"Everything you said was true, but I didn't kill him. I only went to his room to talk to him, not murder him!" Mrs. Van Snob interrupted.
"I know that you aren't the killer; so please calm down. As I was about to say, before being so rudely interrupted, as for the method, I researched and discovered that Mrs. Van Snob is being seen by a psychiatrist for an abnormal fear of sharp objects since her husband, Bustopher Van Snob, died after cutting himself while shaving.
"Your turn next, Mr. Mungojerrie Schmuckatelli. Your motive, you and Rum Tum Cadaver were going into money laundering using a laundromat as a cover, but he double-crossed you."
"That low-down dirty rotten creep. I should have killed him, but I never got a chance," muttered Schmuckatelli.
"You're correct, you never did get the opportunity because on the day of the murder at least four police officers were watching you all the time. Detective Inspector O'Malley didn't know this on account of the blood feud between Homicide and the Organized Crime squad."
Mistoffelees Smyth-Jones turned to look at the most nondescript cat alive, Mr. Admetus Q. Public, accountant. "Mr. Admetus Public you are here because the police found records showing that Rum Tum Cadaver was blackmailing you for stealing $7.40 from the office coffee fund fifteen years ago when you were a junior accountant. The thing is you never found out who was blackmilling you. I am correct, am I not?"
"You are," sighed Admetus Q. Public. "If it got out that I had stolen stolen, I would have been ruined; so I never tried to do anything about the blackmailing. I always sent the money to a post office box, I didn't find out who the blackmailer was until the police called."
"But wait a minute Smyth-Jones, that only leaves Asparagus Butler and he doesn't have a motive," sputtered Detective Inspector O'Malley.
"That is where you are wrong, my dear Detective Inspector. He does have a motive. It is not as obvious as the others, but it is still there.
"Asparagus Butler and Rum Tum Cadaver went to the same elementary school. In all the games Cadaver was always the first guy to pick teams, and you, Butler, were always picked last. You felt ashamed and eventually harbored a hatred of Rum Tum Cadaver. So when Cadaver showed up at the hotel, which you maanage, you came up with a plot to get Rum Tum Cadaver out of your life once and for all.
"At midnight you used your passkey to get into his room. There you found him lying on his back on the bed and there you stabbed him. You moved him from the bed to the bathtub to try and make it look like he had had an argument with someone. You had decided to be the one to find the body because the person who finds the body is never the murderer. Is that not the truth Mr. Butler?"
"Yes, Yes It's all true! I hated him for all those years. When I discovered that he was staying at the hotel, I decided to kill him."
Asparagus Butler was on the floor sobbing. He looked up at Mistoffelees Smyth-Jones. "How did you know it was me?"
"Well, guessed at the means, motive, and opportunity, but it was obvious to me from the beginning who did it. The Butler always does it."
The End.
