The Roommate From Heck

I've been hearing a lot about evil roommates of late. Someone on one of my e-mail groups groused about her evil roommate, and then sooner than I know it, a whole rant broke out amongst everyone who's ever had an evil roommate.

1. What is an evil roommate?
Evil roommates are people who you just cannot stand; everything they represent totally and completely goes against everything that you are and believe in.

2. But my roommate is the sweetest person that ever lived!
That's just great for both of you. But tell me: do sweetness and light and all things syrupy and cute mortally offend you? If so, then your roommate is evil.

3. Some signs your roommate may be a mean, nasty, and evil person who you really do not want to live with, or at least an irredeemable irritant.

1. Your roommate leaves personal items of clothing hanging off your furniture.
2. Steals things from you
3. Denies doing things zei did
4. Steals things from other people and blames it on you
5. Hates your guts
6. Hates your friends' guts
7. Was your best friend until zeir Significant Other broke up with them and started dating you
8. Complains about your music
9. Complains about your posters
10. Complains about things that don't affect them
11. Plays music you hate even though zei know you hate it
12. Bad personal hygiene
13. Doesn't do zeir share of community tasks
14. cuts your hair without asking your permission first
15. meddles with, destroys, messes up, modifies, or otherwise mutilates possessions of yours without your permission
16. does stuff after ze's been denied permission to do it
17. Smokes inside
18. Smokes great big nasty cigars inside
19. Has prohibited you to burn incense inside on the grounds that it makes them smell like a gypsy when they go out, yet still smokes great big nasty stinky cigars inside
20. Hogs the computer
21. Leaves nasty things in the kitchen, and leaves them so long you are forced to clean up
22. Bitches at you for cleaning up the nasty things in the kitchen because "they were about to do it"
23. Bitches at you for bitching at them about the nasty things in the kitchen
24. Invites their weird and scary friends over
25. Forbids you from ever inviting your weird, scary, and Satanic friends over ever again
26. They have the Pet from Hell
27. They hog your computer
28. they keep all these cutesy porcelain figurines around, which collect dust and you keep tripping over and breaking
29. They are, plain and simple, A Really Bad Person
30. Before they moved in with you (or visa versa) you two were friends
31. They insist upon telling you about their medical history
32. They invite their relatives over
33. They adore their relatives and can't see why you don't too
34. They try to convert you to their religion, or fandom
35. They try to pursuade you to leave your religion, or fandom, or both
36. They have amassed gigantifferous amounts of debt, and their creditors call and harrass you
37. They have friends, who call all night long
38. Incompatible sleeping schedules
39. Keeps resetting your internet browser's homepage to something icky and awful

4. Okay, so my roommate is evil; what can I do?
That's a very good question. There are many resources out there on the internet and in libraries for the purposes of wreaking revenge upon the deserving; here is a list of some of my favorites.

1. Hide zeir favorite CD in a place they might have put it away by accident
2. Play your favorite music at odd hours
3. Feign mental illness
4. Hog the computer
5. Hog the phone
6. Conduct a "white mutiny"
7. Rearrange the furniture
8. Cook nasty things of uncertain origin and invite them to try. (Note: need not be edible)
9. Leave things in the refrigerator and see how long they stay there and what happens to them.
10. Do above, and inform roommate that this is a scientific experiment, and not to disturb them. Forget about it. See how long it stays in.
11. Assign your roommate with the task of cleaning out the fridge.
12. Call a random person long-distance that you do not know, while your roommate is out. Talk for as long as you want. When the phone bill arrives, claim that it was your roommate, or one of your roommate's friends.
13. Reset the home page on their internet browser to something more interesting.
14. Reset the password on their computer.
15. Forget the password you reset it to.
16. Give yourself administrator privelages.
17. Send bulk e-mail from their account, should they carelessly leave it open.
18. Invent secret military devices. Polish your fingerprints off of them. Leave them under the roommate's bed.
19. Cook enough dinner for both of you. Kindly include only dishes that they hate and/or are allergic to.
20. Read strange things on the internet. Randomly quote them.
21. Plaster the room with pictures of you, yourself, your friends, your strange and twisted internet hobbies, and other things that you deeply and truly love.
22. Go into loving detail about your medical history.
23. Invite your friends and/or relatives over.
24. Sing.
25. Sleepwalk.
26. Sing the praises of something that they don't remotely care about and will grow to hate.

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