APPLICATION FOR EXECUTIVE BRANCH EMPLOYMENT

be a part of the change

Note: Answer all questions to the best of your knowledge and belief, or as instructed by your group of political advisers.  Use ink, not pencil. Use additional paper as necessary for explanations of your answers, not to exceed 1,000 sheets.

Question 1:  During the 2008 Presidential Campaign, did you refer to Barack Obama as "the One"?  / / yes / / no.  If your answer is "no," explain yourself in detail.

Question 2:  Have you ever paid back taxes, penalties, and interest based on non-payment of taxes you obviously owed?  / / yes / / no.  If your answer is "yes," please fill out the Supplement for Treasury and IRS Applicants.

Question 3:  Have you ever been caught having shady dealings with someone who is now serving prison time for fraud? / / yes / / no.  If your answer is "no," please explain how you avoided detection.

Question 4:  Do you attend church? / / yes / / no.  If "yes," will you swear that you slept through all of the sermons? / / yes / / I will if expedient / / I actually did, no kidding.

Question 5:  Have you received one or more "sweetheart" loans from a financial establishment which is now receiving bailout funds? / / yes / / no.  If "yes," can you keep a straight face when you claim you didn't know anything was fishy about the transaction? / / natch! / / heck, yeah / / piece of cake!

Question 6:  Have you served as a Member of Congress or a state legislator? / / yes / / no.  If your answer is "yes," how much of your spouse's income was derived from earmarks you sponsored? _____.  If less than 50%, please explain the shortfall.

Question 7:  Have you ever been employed as a registered lobbyist?  / / yes / / no.  If "yes," do you waive the Presidential ban on lobbyists as to yourself? / / you bet I do / / consider it done / / in a heartbeat.

Question 8:  Which of the following statements can you make without wincing, cringing, or breaking into hysterical laughter? (Check all that apply.)

/ / Why, of course a worm-farming subsidy will help to stimulate the economy and create jobs.

/ / There was no place for me to enter that in TurboTax.

/ / I will work hard to generate bi-partisan support for President Obama's initiatives.

/ / I really, truly thought the car and the driver were just a "freebie."

/ / No doubt about it - - earmarks for family planning programs will jump-start the economy.

/ / We are the change we seek.

Question 9:  If necessary, do you promise to make all of your tax returns and investment accounts public? / / define "necessary" / / eventually / / as soon as I feel like it / / define "public."