Cap And Trade

and your "carbon footprint"

 

According to the environmental lobbies and Al Gore, you can offset your "carbon footprint"--the amount of carbon dioxide you exhale, you are responsible for putting into the atmosphere--by buying what are known as "carbon credits." Al Gore has been selling 'em and has gotten rich doing so. Since I want to be rich too, here's my proposal.

Pay me $1000 and I will sign a contract promising not to fly on an airplane for the entire calendar year of 2009. For another $1000, I will refrain from firing up my barbecue for the year. I am also able to provide a methane credit for the low, low price of $500, which will result in my not eating Mexican, Indian, or Thai food for the year.

 

If you'll buy a "carbon credit" from me (they cost 1,000 U.S. dollars each--or 500 Euros)I will plant a tree somewhere that will offset the amount of carbon dioxide you are responsible for by absorbing CO2 and converting it to oxygen. You might want to consider buying one for your spouse and each of your children, too, so they can also be "off the hook," environmentally speaking.

 

If you jog or do other cardio exercises, you'll be breathing faster and putting even more CO2 into the atmosphere and will need to buy correspondingly more "carbon credits," of course. Then, if you keep pets, you'll need to buy partial credits for each of them, dependent upon their size. Generally, a horse is worth 5 credits, a dog 1 to 1/2 credit, dependent upon size, and a goldfish or hamster maybe 1/10th of a credit.

 

Let’s recap this incredible bargain. For only $999.99 you get the carbon offsets, a reduction in your personal guilt, AND the Green  Badge. But wait! That’s not all. What an incredible deal. You get the carbon offsets, a conscious free of guilt. But that’s not all! If you act within the next 10 minutes, we’ll throw in "Barack Obama’s Secret Plan to Bring Down Gas Prices." Yes, you’ll get a tire pressure gauge!

These valuable carbon credits are now available to assuage the consciences of environmental kooks everywhere. Call soon! At prices like these, they won't last!