Stupid Crooks

  1. A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 P. M. And getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom.
    The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict.
    When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?"
    The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? They're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"

  2. It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came over to see him.
    "Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice."
    "Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?"
    "How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
    "I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
    "Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
    "What are you talking about?"
    "When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."
    "Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
    "Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
    "I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
    "Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr. Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occurred to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?' Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.' Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' "
    "Why are you reading that to me?"
    "Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..."
    "Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."
    "You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."
    "Then get me another doctor."
    "There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only place that I can practice."
    "If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally appeal your case to a higher court."
    "You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney stone."
    "You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at him."
    "That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going to be in a lot of pain.' "
    "Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of Demerol?"
    "I better check you out first."
    "Don't check me out, just give the dope."
    "But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?"
    "What for?"
    "To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."
    "I'm not going to sue you."
    "You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you pass the kidney stone?"

  3. Sam Cohen, father of 3 and faithful husband for over 40 years, unexpectedly drops dead one day. His lawyer informs his widow that Stu Schwartz, Sam's best friend since childhood, is to be executor of the will. The day comes to divide Sam's earthly possessions, over a million dollars' worth. In front of Sam's family, Stu reads the will:
    "Stu, if you're reading this, then I must be dead. You've were such a good friend for so long, how can I ignore you in this will? On the other hand, there are my beloved Sophie and my children to be looked after. Stu, I know you can make sure my family is taken care of properly. So Stu, give what you want to her and take the rest for yourself." Stu then looks at the survivors and tells them that, in accordance with Sam's instructions, Stu will give fifty thousand dollars to Sam's widow. The rest he is retaining for himself.
    The family is beside itself. "This is impossible! Forty years of marriage and then *this*?! It can't be!" So the family sues. Their day in court arrives, and after testimony from both sides, the judge gives his verdict: "To Stuart Schwartz, I award fifty thousand dollars of the contested money. The remainder shall go to Sophie Cohen, widow of the deceased." Needless to say, the family is elated, but Stu is dumbfound. "Your honor, how can you do this? The will made Sam's wishes quite clear: 'Give what you want to her and take the rest for yourself!' I wanted the lion's share! What gives?"
    The judge answered back, "Mr. Schwartz, Sam Cohen knew you his whole life. He wanted to give you something in gratitude. He also wanted to see his family taken care of. So he drew up his will accordingly. But you misread his instructions. You see, Sam knew just what kind of a person you are, so with his family's interest in mind, he didn't say, "give what you want to her and keep the rest for yourself.' No. What Sam said was, "Give what YOU want to HER; and keep the rest for yourself."

  4. In a courtroom, a pursesnatcher is on trial and the victim is stating what happened. She says, "Yes, that is him. I saw him clear as day. I'd remember his face anywhere." At which point, the defendant bursts out, "You couldn't see my face, lady. I was wearing a mask!"

  5. Matthew P. Dukes, 26, sentenced to 30 days in jail in 1989 following his sixth drunken-driving conviction, tried for 15 months (through December 1990) to get into jail in Ravenna, Ohio, but each time was turned away because the jail was full. In December, Dukes filed a lawsuit in federal court claiming that his constitutional rights are being violated by the jail's refusal to admit him.

  6. A Norwegian friend of mine told me that a Swedish chainsaw manufacturer began marketing thier product in the US, with an English language manual noticeably larger than the Swedish or Norwegian versions. News commentators explained with great humor in a report that this was because of all the additional warnings, including (they pointed out specifically) "Do not attempt to stop the chainsaw with your hand."
    This was made even more humorous a couple of years later, when they were saved a pile of money in a lawsuit brought by a U.S. citizen who was injured stopping the chainsaw with his hand. He was unable to collect, since the manual specifically warned against it.
    Rune surmised that the warnings were legally unnecessary in the Scandinavian manuals, since no Scandinavian would publicly admit to doing anything that stupid.
    I've always thought the problem could be solved if all products had a label on them stating:
    Warning: This product not intended for use by stupid people.
    Let this guy try to prove in court that, although he propped the ladder up on a manure heap, he is *not* stupid and didn't violate the instructions.

  7. A man on trial in the Fourth Judicial district of Tennessee had previously pleaded "not guilty." However, once the jury, eight women and four men, had been seated and the trial was under way, the defendant switched his plea.
    "Why the change?" asked the judge, "Were you persuaded to plead 'guilty'?"
    "No Sir," the man replied, "When I pleaded 'not guilty', I didn't know women would be on the jury. I can't fool one woman, so I know I can't fool eight of them."

  8. Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!

  9. The U.S. Attorney in Miami declined to prosecute a drug smuggling case in which the Customs Service had confiscated a half ton of marijuana because the office is overworked and won't touch cases under the 2.5 ton minimum.

  10. There once was a young fellow who fell prey to a speed trap in a small southern town. The cop wrote him a ticket and then hauled him before the local Justice of the Peace.
    The Justice fined the young man $200 and collected the money on the spot. The young fellow turned to go but was called back by the Justice and handed the old ticket.
    The speedster said, "Just what am I supposed to do with this? I paid my fine!" Whereupon the old J. P. replied, "Keep it, when you get three, you get a bicycle!"

  11. From "The Houston Chronicle"
    A defense attorney in a Northern California murder case says he believes Max the parrot may hold the answer to who smothered Jane Gill to death in her bedroom two years ago. But an attempt to get the African gray parrot's testimony into evidence last week was blocked by the judge.
    Max was found dehydrated and hungry in his cage two days after Gill's murder. After the parrot was coaxed back to health at a pet shop, the shop's owner said the bird began to cry out, "Richard, no, no, no!" The man charged in the case is Gill's business partner, and his name is not Richard. He says he is innocent.
    Gary Dixon, a private investigator working on the case, surmised that the bird is now in a witness-protection program. "Max's identity has been changed, and he is now a macaw," he said.

  12. In December 1993, Atlanta attorney Dennis Scheib stopped by the prosecutor's office on his way to court to represent a new client in a criminal case. Just outside the office, he saw two officers chasing a man down the hall, and he joined in to help. After the three men caught the escapee and handcuffed him, Scheib learned the man was the client he had been on his way to court to represent.

  13. From the Chicago Tribune, 6/8/90:
    Naples, Italy(AP): ...the claim (for damages) involves an accident in March involving a medium-sized Regata and a tiny Panda car. The young man claimed he and his girlfriend were engaged in amorous activity in their car when the large car hit it from behind. The impact momentarily made them lose control, resulting in pregnancy. The suit demands compensation for the cost of repairing the Panda and the cost of the wedding the couple decided to have after discovering the woman was pregnant.

  14. In February 1994, in Fort Lauderdale, Fla., accused murderer Donald Leroy Evans, 38, filed a pre-trial motion asking permission to wear a Ku Klux Klan robe in the courtroom and to be referred to in legal documents by "the honorable and respected name of Hi Hitler." According to the courthouse employees interviewed by the Associated Press, Evans thought Adolf Hitler's followers were saying "Hi Hitler" rather than "Heil, Hitler."

  15. Heard through friends: Rumor has it that the state of California, which recently enacted a "Three Strikes" crime bill (three felonies and you're jailed for life), was considering the following amendment:
    Three strikes and you're out, unless the judge drops the gavel on the third strike and you can run out of the courtroom before the bailiff grabs you.

  16. Rachel Barton-Russell petitioned a court in Springfield, Ore., in February 1994 for a ruling on the meaning of the state's law against corpse abuse. Her deceased husband, Donal Eugene Russell, had declared in his will that he wanted his skin used to make book covers for a collection of his poetry, but the state Mortuary and Cemetery Board claims that carrying out that request would subject a funeral home to liability for corpse abuse.

  17. From the Dallas Morning News:
    A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel:
    "an intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'"
    "See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him."
    She wasn't selected for the jury.

  18. Columbia, S.C. (AP) - A retired judge drew 1 1/2 years in prison for awarding a woman child support and custody of her child in exchange for sex.
    The woman's lawyer, who arranged the trysts, got a two-year sentence and a $1,500 fine from by Circuit Judge Thomas Cooper. Former Family Court Judge Sam Mendenhall, who retired in 1992, pleaded guilty Monday to misconduct. The lawyer, Samuel Fewell, pleaded guilty to conspiracy. Mendenhall, 54, and Fewell, 58, are former state legislators.
    Dorothy Carpenter said Mendenhall awarded her custody and child support in 1983 and 1984 in exchange for sex. Carpenter said she also had sex with Fewell in exchange for legal services but fired him in 1985 after he and the judge grew too demanding.
    Carpenter, who is facing unrelated arson charges, filed a complaint against Mendenhall and Fewell in 1991 with the state Supreme Court, which oversees the judicial system. She said her lawyer in the arson case urged her to file the complaint.
    Carpenter is charged with conspiracy in connection with a 1991 fire in her Clover home that killed two people. The case is pending.
    Fewell's sentence will run concurrently with a 2 1/2-year federal sentence he received in March for cocaine possession and tax evasion.
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