Exam Humor

Instructions: Read each question thoroughly. Answer all questions. Time limit - four hours. Begin immediately.

History

Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrate specifically but not exclusively, on the social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.

Literature

Compose an epic poem based on the events of your own life in which you see and footnote allusions from T.S. Eliot, Keats, Chaucer, Dante, Norse mythology and the Marx brothers. Critique your poem with a full discussion of its metrics.

Music

Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate it and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

Art

Explain Mona Lisa's smile.

Religion

Assuming the Judeo-Christian moral structure, take the stand for Adam and Eve, and the eating of the forbidden fruit. Explain your position fully to a Chassidic Rabbi, and answer his arguments. An Anglican bishop will moderate this debate.

Logic

Using accepted methodology prove all four of the following That the universe is infinite; that truth is beauty; that there is not a little person who turns off the light in the refrigerator when you close the door, and that you are the person taking this exam. Now disprove all of the above. Be specific; show all work.

Philosophy

Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

Epistemology

Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position.

Medicine

You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your own appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.

Biology

Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed five hundred years earlier, with special attention to the probable effects on the English Parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.

Psychology

Employing principles from the major schools of psychoanalytic thought, successfully subject yourself to analysis. Make appropriate personality changes, bill yourself and fill out all medical insurance forms. Now do the same to the person seated to your immediate left. Also, based on your degree of knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following Alexander of Aphrodisias, Rameses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi. Support your evaluations with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

Sociology

Estimate the sociological problems that might accompany the end of the world. Show how the boy meets girl theory developed. Construct and experiment to test your theory.

Economics

Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of you plan in the following areas Cubism, the Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light. Outline a method from all points of view. Point out deficiencies in your argument as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.

Computer Science

Define computer. Define Science. How do they relate? Why? Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all computer decisions. Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your algorithm, design the communications to interface and all the necessary control programs.

Management Science

Define Management. Define Science. How do they relate? Why? Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial decisions. Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your algorithm; design the communications interface and all necessary control programs.

Public Speaking

2,500 riot-crazed students are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

Physics

Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

Modern Physics

Disprove Einstein's Theory of Relativity. Construct an experiment to prove your position.

Engineering

The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel is appropraite. Be prepared to justify your decision.

Agricultural Science

Outline the steps involved in breeding your own super high yield, all weather hybrid strain of wheat. Describe its chemical and physical properties and estimate its impact on world food supplies. Construct a model for dealing with world-wide surpluses. Write your Nobel Prize acceptance speech.

Comprehension

Three minute time test. Read everything before doing anything. Put your name in the upper right hand corner of this page. Circle the word name in sentence three. Sign your name under the title of this paper, after the title write yes, yes, yes. Put an X in the lower left hand corner of this paper. Draw a triangle around the X you just put down. On the back of this paper multiply 703x668. Loudly call out your name when you get to this point. If you think you have followed directions carefully to this point call out "I have." Punch three small holes in the top of this paper. If you are the first person to get this far, call out "I am the first person to this point, I am leading in following directions." On the reverse side of this paper add 8950 and 9850. Put a circle around your answer and put a square around the circle. Now that you have finished reading carefully, do only sentence two.

Political Science

There is a red telephone on the desk behind you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.

Jurisprudence

In Part 2 of Shakespeare's "Henry VI", Jack Cade, the leader of the Populist revolt, proposes that the first order of business following a successful coup d'e'tat could be to "kill all the lawyers". In light of the present populist mood in the United States, assess the utility and any potential impact of such a policy today.

Foreign Affairs

It has recently been suggested (especially after Black Monday) that only a foreign war can restore America's lost national consensus. Propose the ideal opponent(s) for the US in such a war, and how the conflict might be engineered so that US would seem not to be the aggressor in the situation. Discuss the pros and cons.

Mathematics

Give today's date, in metric.

Chemistry

Transform lead into gold. You will find a tripod and three logs under your seat. Show all work including Feynman diagrams and quantum functions for all steps. You have fifteen minutes.

General Knowledge

Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

Extra Credit

Define the Universe. Give two examples.

1. Have a root canal
2. Eat dirt
3. Go to all of your classes
4. Clean out your bellybutton
5. Make crank calls
6. Gamble borrowed money
7. Sharpen your pencils (all of them)
8. Talk to yourself
9. Call 976-anything
10. Try on all your clothes at one time
11. Try on all your clothes one at a time
12. Memorize the phone book
13. Play your records backwards
14. Glue money to the floor and watch people try to pick it up
15. Go to the airport and meet people
16. Bite the heads off Gummi Bears and take them back to the supermarket
17. Start new rumors
18. Hold your breath till you pass out
19. Rub your eyes till you see stars
20. Fry ants with a magnfying glass
21. Set every clock in a building forward
22. Walk up to a salesperson and ask "May I help you?"
23. Go Christmas Caroling by yourself

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to)
2. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
3. Bring pets.
4. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
5. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
6. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
8. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
9. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
10. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
11. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
12. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
13. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
14. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
15. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).
16. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
17. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly.
18. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
19. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
20. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
21. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
22. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
23. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
24. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
25. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
26. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
27. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
28. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
29. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
30. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
31. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
32. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
33. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
34. One word: Wrestlemania.
35. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
36. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
37. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
38. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
39. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
40. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
41. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
42. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
43. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"

Dept Of Statistics:

All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

Dept Of Psychology:

Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

Dept Of History:

All students get the same grade they got last year.

Dept Of Religion:

Grade is determined by God.

Dept Of Philosophy:

What is a grade?

Law School:

Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

Dept Of Mathematics:

Grades are variable.

Dept Of Logic:

If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

Dept Of Computer Science:

Random number generator determines grade.

Music Department:

Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).

Dept Of Physical Education:

Everybody gets an A.

English

1. Which of the following is the correct answer to this question?

a.
b.
c.
d.
e. none of the above

2. ingot:bleak :: ingot:_______

a. tepid
b. gold
c. oak
d. bologna
e. bleak

3. pork:algae :: green:_______

a. six
b. five
c. ten
d. marble
e. red

4. mugger:park :: king:_______

a. castle
b. burger
c. queen
d. Jacuzzi
e. bleak

Reading Comprehension

Read the following carefully and answer the questions below.

In addition to the obvious effects of solar activity on the upper atmosphere, some scientists contend that it also afffects the weather. These contentions, however, are for the most part unconfirmed and some are very dubious. Even further afield, a British researcher on epidemiology claimed last year that "the periods of world dominance of successive major subtypes of influenza A virus have synchronized closely with the periodicity of sunspots." Correlatons of biomedical phenomenon with solar activity, such as this one, are generally not taken seriously by most Western scintists. Many researchers in the Soviet Union, however, do believe in such possibilites, including even a correlation of sunspots with outbreaks of plague-spreading rodents in central Asia.

1. In what language is the British researcher speaking?

a. Japanese
b. Urdu
c. Bengali
d. British
e. Media

2. The term "most Western" means

a. Hawaii
b. John Ford's longest film
c. nothing
d. correct

3. A conclusion that could be drawn from this passage is

a. Russian scientists are idiots and Russia is full of rats
b. The sun has sunspots
c. Don't ask a question of a British researcher if you want an answer
d. all of the above

Mathematics

1. Which of the following is a number?

a. blue
b. Jacques Cousteau
c. watermelon
d. John Doe
e. 5

2. If Juan is fourteen and weighs 150 pounds, and Grover is nine and weighs 70 pounds, what is the probability that Juan can get anything he wants from Grover?

a. 0%
b. 100%
c. a and b
d. a only
e. b only

3. Delbert McBumm wants to pawn a hundred-dollar watch. The pawnbroker gives him eleven dollars for it and then sells it for a hundred and twenty-five. What was the relative rate of mark-up in the watch in relation to half of its worth, if the worth is calculated at three-quarters the difference between the pawnbrokers's offer and 78% of Delbert's assessment of the watch's value?

a. 100
b. 50
c. 75
d. 115
e. none of the above

5. Calculate the shaded area of the figure below.

a. 0

b. 50%

c. c only

d. the answer is a

e. go back, it's a

    
            /\50 6/\
          6/  \__/  \2
          /     2    |
          \    /\    |
          9\  /7 \   |10
            \/   8\__|

6. Grant McSwine is a repairman. If he tells Mr. White that it will take him about 10 hours to do a specific job, how long will it really take him?

a. six weeks
b. half an hour
c. about three hundred dollars longer
d. not enough information because the type of repair is not indicated

Quantitative Comparison

In the following questions, you are asked to compare two quantities. These quantities may be equal, or one may be bigger, or neither. On your answer sheet, choose a if b is bigger, choose b if a and b are equal, choose c if a is bigger, choose d if neither one is bigger, choose e if both are bigger, choose f if the answer cannot be determined from the information given, choose g if you have no idea.

a. 2                       b. 15
a. the area of a circle    b. the area of a square
   whose area is 10           whose area is 10
a. my dad                  b. your dad
a. New York City           b. Limpid, Iowa
a. something               b. nothing
a. a mountain              b. a molehill

• Each angel requires an area equal to a circle with a diameter the size of a gold atom in which to dance.
• The pin in question has a head which is a circular plane with a diameter of 0.5 mm.

The professor was sorry to admit that he had to give full credit to the following answer:
I assume that angels do not exist.
The answer is 0.

13. If you are standing on the Moon, and holding a rock, and you let it go, it will:

(a) float away
(b) float where it is
(c) move sideways
(d) fall to the ground
(e) none of the above

25. When the Apollo astronauts wre on the Moon, they did not fall off because:

(a) the Earth's gravity extends to the Moon
(b) the Moon has gravity
(c) they wore heavy boots
(d) they had safety ropes
(e) they had spiked shoes