Full-Deckisms
- "Body by Fisher -- brains by Mattel."
- $HOME = /dev/null.
- 3K RAM free, no EMS.
- A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth.
- A 3.5-inch drive, but data on punch cards.
- A brain like a BB in a boxcar.
- A couplet short of a sonnet.
- A day late and a dollar short.
- A deadbolt with a broken cylinder.
- A few beers short of a six-pack / a six-pack short of a case.
- A few bombs/melons short of a full load.
- A few bricks short of a wall / hod.
- A few clowns short of a circus.
- A few french fries short of a Happy Meal.
- A few open splices.
- A few peas short of a pod/casserole.
- A few pickles short of a jar.
- A few pies short of a holiday.
- A few planes short of an Air Force.
- A few revisions behind.
- A few sandwiches/apples short of a picnic.
- A few screws loose.
- A few spoons short of a full set.
- A few straws shy of a bale.
- A few tiles missing from his space shuttle.
- A few tiles short of a successful re-entry.
- A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree.
- A few volts below threshold.
- A few yards short of the hole.
- A flower short of an arrangement.
- A flying buttress short of a cathedral.
- A handle short of a suitcase.
- A kangaroo loose in her top paddock.
- A lap behind the field.
- A little light in his loafers.
- A looney tune.
- A modest little person, with much to be modest about. -- Churchill
- A Neanderthal brain in a Cro-Magnon body.
- A notch off the timing mark.
- A one-bit brain with a parity error.
- A pane short of a window.
- A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
- A prime candidate for natural deselection.
- A quart low.
- A return with no gosub.
- A room temperature IQ.
- A semitone flat on the high notes.
- A signature short of a book.
- A sleeve/button short of a shirt.
- A span short of a bridge.
- A square with only three sides.
- A teabag short of a pot.
- A teapot with a cracked lid.
- A titanic intellect... In a world full of icebergs.
- A tower short of a castle.
- A vacuum-tube brain in a microchip world.
- A VGA card and a Herc monitor.
- A victim of retroactive birth control.
- A violin minus the bow.
- A wind-up clock without a key.
- Airhead / bubble-brain.
- All booster, no payload.
- All crown, no filling.
- All hammer, no nail.
- All hat and no cattle.
- All his eggs in the same basket.
- All missile, no warhead.
- All shot, no powder.
- All the lights don't shine in her marquee.
- All the personality of linoleum flooring / plasticene / putty
/ caulking / saran wrap.
- All wax and no wick.
- Always in the right place, but at the wrong time.
- Always sharpening his sleeping skills.
- An 8080 in a 68000 environment.
- An Apple //e on UUCP.
- An early example of the Peter Principle.
- An ego like a black hole.
- An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
- An expert on the historical significance of cottage cheese.
- An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
- An XT clone in a Pentium zone.
- Any slower and he'd be in reverse. -- Gignac
- As bright as a nightlight / small appliance bulb / tulip bulb.
- As happy as if he had brains.
- As quick as a corpse.
- As sharp as a marble / bowling ball / beachball / pin head / bowl
of Jello / mashed potato sandwich, and twice as smart.
- As sharp as a sack full of wet mice. -- Foghorn Leghorn
- As smart as a politician/lawyer is honest.
- As smart as bait.
- As smart as Christie Brinkley is ugly.
- As thick as two short planks.
- Attic's a little dusty.
- Back burners not fully operating.
- Bad spot on the disk.
- Bats in the belfry.
- Batteries not included.
- Been napping in front of the ion shield again.
- Been playing with the pharmacy section again.
- Been short on oxygen one time too many.
- Been using her head as a mass driver.
- Blew his O-rings.
- Blew the hatch before the lock sealed.
- Blocked one too many hockey pucks / soccer balls / punches with his head.
- Blown/leaking head gasket.
- Born a day late and like that ever since.
- Born during low tide in the gene pool / swimming in the
shallow end of the gene pool.
- Born ugly and built to last.
- Both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat.
- Brain transplant donor.
- Bright as a Zippo lighter without a flint.
- Bright as Alaska in December.
- Bright as an acetylene torch -- without an oxygen supply.
- Bubbles in her think tank.
- Caboose seems to be pulling the engine.
- Calling her stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
- Calling him a pea brain would be an undeserved compliment.
- Can be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff.
- Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat.
- Carries a tire gauge in her purse.
- Cauliflower for brains.
- Charming as a carbuncle.
- Cheezwiz for brains.
- Chimney's clogged.
- Clock doesn't have all its numbers.
- Consumes hard drugs as vitamins.
- Contributes to the population problem.
- Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
- Couldn't think his way out of a paper bag.
- CPU not connected to the bus.
- Cranial cavity filled with neutronic matter. (Really dense.)
- Cranio-rectally inverted.
- Cursor's flashing but there's no response.
- Defective hard drive / boot sector.
- Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.
- Differently clued. -- Dave Clark
- Does aerobics... in his head.
- Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
- Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash / cups in the cupboard /
groceries in the same bag.
- Doesn't have all the dots on his dice / pens in her plotter.
- Doesn't have both oars in the water.
- Doesn't have elastic in both of his socks.
- Doesn't have his belt through all the loops.
- Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker.
- Doesn't have two neurons to rub together.
- Doesn't just know nothing; doesn't even suspect much.
- Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. -- Billing
- Doesn't know which side the toast is buttered on.
- Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate.
- Donated her body to scientists... before she was done using it.
- Downhill skiing in Iowa.
- Driving with two wheels in the sand.
- Dropped his second stage too soon.
- Dumb as asphalt / dirt / a stump / a sack of hammers.
- Dumber than a chicken / box of hair/rocks.
- During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
- Easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing.
- Echoes between the ears.
- Eight pawns short of a gambit.
- Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor / penthouse.
- Elevator goes all the way to the top but the door doesn't open.
- End of season sale at the cerebral department. -- Gareth Blackstock
- Fighting the war with a starter pistol / water pistol /
pop gun / cap gun.
- Finds a flat by swapping tires.
- Finds canonical humor collections amusing.
- Fired from McDonald's for having a short attention span.
- Fired her retro-rockets a little late.
- Flaky.
- Flying/landing on one engine.
- Folds ace plus red jack hand when playing blackjack.
- Forgot to pay his brain bill.
- Four bits shy of a full DEC.
- Four cents short of a nickel.
- Full throttle, dry tank.
- Gasoline engine, diesel fuel.
- Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
- Gavel doesn't quite hit the bench.
- Gets her mail at an unknown zip code.
- Gets hypnotized on the despun section.
- Goalie for the dart team.
- Got a life, but wasn't sure what to do with it.
- Guillotining him would make only an aesthetic difference.
- Gyros are loose.
- Had a head crash.
- Half a bubble off plumb. -- attributed to Mark Twain
- Hard to tell if he has an ace up his sleeve or if the ace is
missing from his deck altogether.
- Has a few wait states.
- Has a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold them together.
- Has a leak in his ceiling.
- Has a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express.
- Has a slow clock.
- Has all her bricks, but no cement holding them together.
- Has an IQ of 2, and it takes 3 to grunt.
- Has his solar panels aimed at the moon.
- Has it floored in neutral.
- Has no discretionary intellect.
- Has no upper stage.
- Has only one chopstick in the chowmein.
- Has signs on both ears saying "Space for Rent".
- Has so few thoughts that when he free associates, it's like
watching tennis.
- Has the attention span of an overripe grapefruit.
- Has the brains of a house plant.
- Has the Grand Canyon under the crew cut.
- Has the IQ of a salad bar / ice cube.
- Has the mental agility of a soap dish.
- Has the personality of a snail on Valium.
- Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
- Hasn't got all his china in the cupboard.
- Hasn't got the brains God gave a cat.
- Having a party in his head, but no one else is invited.
- He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
- He's diagnosable.
- He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.
- He's so dense, light bends around him.
- Her brain is more like a Rube Goldberg device than a computer.
- Her dentist went deaf from the drill's echoes.
- Her dialing thumb must be broken.
- Her memory is truly random-access.
- Her mere presence causes parity errors, power fails, and head crashes.
- Her modem lights are on but there's no carrier.
- Her phone doesn't quite reach her desk.
- Her sewing machine's been out of thread for some time now.
- Her synapses are about |that| far apart.
- Her tires are a little low.
- Hid behind the door when they passed out brains.
- His .sig is long, boring, and stupid, but it's the best part
of his postings.
- His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
- His buffer is full.
- His elevator is stuck between floors.
- His family wasn't dysfunctional until he arrived.
- His head whistles in a cross wind.
- His mind is on vacation but his mouth is working overtime.
- His page was intentionally left blank.
- His picture is in the dictionary under "zero".
- His puzzle is missing a few pieces.
- His seat back is not in the full upright and locked position.
- His signal-to-noise ratio is epsilon.
- His system administrator is never in.
- Hyperspatially interconnected neural net.
- I'd like to buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he
thinks he's worth.
- If brains were bird droppings, he'd have a clean cage.
- If brains were dynamite, she wouldn't have enough to blow her
nose / the wax out of her ears.
- If brains were gasoline, he wouldn't have enough to drive a dinky
car around the inside of a cheerio.
- If brains were lard, he'd be hard pressed to grease a small pan.
- If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
- If brains were water, hers wouldn't be enough to baptize a flea.
- If he gets any denser, the geocentric theory of the universe
will come true.
- If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
- If he had brains, he'd take them out and play with them.
- If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
- If her brains were put in a hummingbird, it would fly backwards.
- If his IQ was two points higher he'd be a rock.
- If she was any dumber, she'd be a green plant.
- If they knock heads, implosion will suck all the air out of the room.
- If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.
- If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.
- If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
- Impervious to brain damage.
- In a tub of Preparation H, he'd shrink down to thumb size.
- In line for brains, thought they said pains, and said, "No, thanks".
- In need of a ROM upgrade.
- In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy store.
- Infinite space between her ears.
- Informationally deprived.
- Inspected by #13.
- Intellectually challenged.
- IQ = dx / (1 + dx), where x = age.
- IQ lower than a snake's belly in a wagon-rut.
- Isn't carrying a full set of golf clubs.
- It's hard to believe he beat 100,000 other sperm.
- Just another flash in the bedpan.
- Knitting with only one needle.
- Leaky sunroof.
- Left hand threaded.
- Left his booster on the launch pad.
- Left the store without all of his groceries.
- Life by Norman Rockwell, but screenplay by Stephen King.
- Lightbulb over his head is burned out.
- Lights are on but nobody's home.
- Lights not burning too bright.
- Like a loose-leaf folder in winter.
- Likes dunking for french fries.
- Little red choo-choo's gone chugging 'round the bend /
jumped the track.
- Lives in La-la-land.
- Lives in the same world, but a different universe.
- Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.
- Long on dry wall, short on studs.
- Loose chip on the microprocessor board.
- Loose wire to his headset/ringer.
- Low on thinking gas.
- Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps.
- Made a career out of mid-life crisis.
- Mainspring's wound too tight.
- Mental software is Version 1.0 / still in beta test.
- Mentally qualified for handicapped parking.
- Metronome needs oil.
- Mind like a steel sieve.
- Mind like a steel trap -- everything gets mangled / full of mice /
nothing in, nothing out / rusted shut.
- Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
- Missing a few catalog cards / gears / marbles.
- Missing a layer of insulation in his attic.
- Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral.
- Needs another brain to make half-wit.
- Needs his sleeves lengthened by a couple of feet so they
can be tied in the back.
- Never had a headcold in her life since diseases can't exist in
a vacuum.
- Next-day delivery in a nanosecond world. -- Van Jacobson
- Nice house but not much furniture / nobody lives there.
- Nine pence in the shilling.
- Nineteen cents short of a paradigm.
- No filter in the coffeemaker.
- No grain in the silo.
- No hay in the loft.
- No one at the throttle.
- No wind in her mind's windmills.
- Not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us.
- Not done evolving yet.
- Not enough brain cells for the Prozac to be effective.
- Not enough brains to get anywhere *near* the gutter.
- Not enough change to break a dollar/pound/deutschmark/yen.
- Not enough sense to come in out of the rain.
- Not enough sense to stay out in the rain (like a 60's flower child).
- Not firing on all four/six/eight cylinders.
- Not firmly seated in the socket / screwed in tight.
- Not hard-docked.
- Not inflated to 90 PSI.
- Not playing with / dealing from a full deck (-- not even in the game).
- Not running on full thrusters.
- Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.
- Not the full quid.
- Not the same since they took him off his medication.
- Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
- Not wrapped too tight.
- Nothing between the stethoscopes.
- Number 'n a hake. (New England expression; a notoriously stupid fish.)
- Nutty as a fruitcake.
- Off his rocker.
- On the batting end of a no-hitter.
- On permanent leave of absence from his senses.
- One bit short of a byte.
- One board short of a porch.
- One boot stuck in the sand.
- One bumper/rail short of a bank shot.
- One bun/donut short of a dozen.
- One card/marble shy of a full deck.
- One chip short of a megabyte.
- One drop short of an empty bladder.
- One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl.
- One hot pepper short of an enchilada.
- One live brain cell away from being a talking monkey.
- One node short of a network.
- One of the early failures of electroshock therapy.
- One sentence short of a paragraph.
- One shade short of a rainbow.
- One shingle shy of a roof.
- One ship short of a full fleet.
- One side short of a pentagon.
- One snowflake short of a ski slope.
- One step short of the attic.
- One taco short of a combination plate.
- One tree short of a hammock.
- One weight short of a shipwreck.
- Only one oar in the water.
- Only playing with 51 cards.
- Only playing with the jokers.
- Operating in stand-by mode.
- Ought to have a warning label on his forehead.
- Out there where the buses don't run.
- Over the rainbow.
- Overdue for reincarnation.
- Overruns above 110 baud.
- Paged/swapped out.
- Paralyzed from the neck up.
- Parked his head and forgot where he left it.
- Pedalling real fast, but not getting anywhere.
- Permanently out to lunch.
- Permanently rotated 90 degrees from the rest of us.
- Pins 2 and 3 (RS-232) permanently connected to ground.
- Playing an endgame with a king and no other pieces.
- Playing baseball with a rubber bat.
- Playing hockey with a warped puck.
- Playing Scrabble, but we can't figure out what words he's building.
- Plays pinochle with a poker deck.
- Plays solitaire... for cash.
- Plays tennis with no net and finds it challenging.
- Posts empty articles to Usenet, and enjoys rereading them later.
- Pressure's up, but there's a slow leak somewhere.
- Proof that evolution *can* go in reverse.
- Put a lens in each ear and you've got a telescope.
- Puts a finger in his ear so the draft through his head isn't annoying.
- Putting his brain on the edge of a razor blade would be like
putting a pea on a six lane highway.
- Quotes entire letters/articles as responses and hides her one
line of wisdom in the middle.
- Racing fifty yards with a pregnant woman, he'd come in third.
- Reading from an empty/blank/unformatted disk.
- Reads Homer in the original Greek, but doesn't know Greek.
- Ready to check in at the HaHa Hilton.
- Ready to join the Anti-Mensa Society.
- Receiver is off the hook.
- Relatively three-dimensional, as fictional characters go.
- Renewable energy source for hot air balloons.
- Reset line is glitching.
- Result of a first cousin marriage.
- Room for rent, unfurnished.
- RS232C brain with a DIN connector.
- Running at 300 baud.
- Running on empty.
- Running U.S. appliances on British current.
- Runs squares around the competition.
- Rusty springs in the mousetrap.
- S p a c e d o u t .
- Sailboat fuel for brains.
- Sat under the ozone hole too long.
- Sending back packets, but the checksums are wrong.
- Seven seconds behind, and built to stay that way.
- Several nuts short of a full pouch.
- She wears a pony tail to cover up the valve stem.
- Short a few cards.
- Short-circuited between the earphones.
- Should have kept his helmet on while riding / playing.
- Single-sided, low density.
- Skating on the wrong side of the ice.
- Skylight leaks a little.
- Slept too close to his radium-dial watch.
- Slinky's kinked.
- Sloppy as a soup sandwich.
- Slow as molasses in January.
- Smoke doesn't make it to the top of his chimney.
- So boring, his dreams have Muzak.
- So dim, his psychic carries a flashlight.
- So dumb, he faxes face up.
- So fat, people jump over him rather than go around.
- So slow he has to speed up to stop.
- So stupid, mind readers charge her half price.
- Solid concrete from the eyebrows backwards.
- Some Assembly Required.
- Some bugs in his software.
- Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
- Some pages missing.
- Somebody lend her a quarter to buy a clue.
- Someone blew out his pilot light.
- Someone else is doing the driving for that boy.
- Someone let the air out of her lock.
- Sort of like an inverse Einstein.
- Source code is missing a few lines.
- Strong like bull, smart like streetcar.
- Subtle as a well-thrown brick.
- Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder.
- Surfing in Nebraska.
- Switch is on, but no one's receiving.
- Teflon brain -- nothing sticks. -- Lilly Tomlin
- The butter slipped off his noodle.
- The cheese slid off his cracker.
- The fan is working but the freon's leaked out.
- The going got weird, and he turned pro.
- The heater's plugged in but the rheostat's shot.
- The spit valve's fallen off his trumpet again.
- The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining between his ears.
- The two put together have an IQ over 150.
- The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead.
- There's nothing wrong with you that couldn't be cured with
a little Prozac and a polo mallet. -- Woody Allen
- Thick as a brick.
- Thinks at 5 baud.
- Thinks cellular phones are carbon-based life forms.
- Thinks E=MC^2 is a rap star.
- thinks in lower case and types accordingly
- Thinks like a boar hog looks at a wristwatch.
- Thinks Moby Dick is a kind of venereal disease.
- Three chickens short of a henhouse.
- Too many birds on her antenna.
- Too many jokers and not enough aces in his deck.
- Too many stop bits in his transmissions.
- Too much yardage between the goal posts.
- Took the little bus to school.
- Top paddock is full of rocks.
- Toys in the attic.
- Train of thought derailed / still boarding at the station.
- Traveling faster than light, but left his sneakers behind.
- Trying out for the javelin retrieval team.
- Tuning in shortwave with a TV antenna.
- Two bits shy of a word.
- Two chapters short of a novel.
- Two degrees off square.
- Two inches taller than spherical.
- Two saucers short of a tea-service.
- Two sheep short of a sweater.
- Two socks short of a pair.
- Two suits short of a full deck (a half-wit).
- Ugly as a warthog and half as smart.
- Unclear which of Newton's three laws of motion keeps his ears apart.
- Useful as a hip pocket on a T-shirt.
- Useful as a kickstand on a horse.
- Useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
- Useful as teats on a bull / boar-hog.
- Uses his head to keep the rain out of his neck.
- Using a 1S-2D floppy for brains in a world of hard disks.
- Vacancy on the top floor.
- Was born an acrobat but landed on his head.
- Was first in line for brains, but ended up holding the door open.
- Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
- Was napping in the nut pile the day God was cracking nuts.
- Wasn't abused as a child, but should have been.
- Wasn't strapped in during launch.
- Watches "Beavis and Butthead" to learn vocabulary.
- Went in for repairs but wasn't tightened with a torque wrench.
- Whole lotta choppin', but no chips a flyin'.
- With one more neuron he'd have a synapse.
- Would make an excellent illustration in a proctology textbook.
- Zero K memory.
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