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Lawyer Jokes
100
dollars
There's a drunk,the tooth
fairy,Santa Clause,and an honest lawyer.Which one stops and picks up the
100 dollars.
The drunk,all the others
are make believe people.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train as departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.
When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
"That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
"Shut up!", barked the Devil, jabbing him with
his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
"I can arrange some things for you.", the Devil said. "I'll increase your income to $1,000,000 a year. Your partners will defer to you; your clients will love you; judges will respect you; you'll have 4 months of vacation each year and live to be 100. For that entire time, you'll be blessed with good health and looks. All I require in return is that the souls of your wife and children's souls be mine, so that they may writhe and scream in mortal agony for all eternity in Hell."
The lawyer thought for a moment, frowned, and
said "What's the catch?".
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.
He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan was that when he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased
lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow
cases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I
knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."
One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?".
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!", replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck". The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer".
"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him
with the door!
"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.
"Sure, after the police leave," replied the lawyer.