But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I
could coast to the nearest gas station.
I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On
the other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they would
let him out.
Lord, please let me find a one-armed economist so we won't
always hear "on the other hand..."
The student in question is performing minimally for his peer
group and is an emerging underachiever!
$100 placed at 7% interest compounded quarterly for 200
years will increase to more than $100,000,000 - by which time it
will be worth nothing.
'Tis better that a man's own works, than another man's words
should praise him.
'Tis distance lends enchantment to the view, and robes the
mountain in its azure hue.
'Tis not the fairest form that holds the mildest, purest
soul within; "Tis not the richest plant that holds the sweetest
fragrance in.
'Tis one thing to be tempted, another thing to fall.
'Tis strange the miser should his cares employ to gain the
riches he can ne'er enjoy.
- Completion of any task within the allocated time and
budget does not bring credit upon the performance personnel-- it
merely proves that the task was easier than expected.
- Failure to complete any task within the allocated time
and budget proves that the task was more difficult than expected
and requires promotion for those in charge.
A robot must protect its own existence as long as such
protection does not conflict with the first or second laws.
Cost consciousness and sophisticated design are basically
incompatible.
The less management demands of engineers and scientists, the
greater their productivity.
TRC eht edisni deppart ma I !pleH
A "critic" is a person who creates nothing and thereby feels
qualified to judge the work of creative people. There is logic
in this; he is unbiased-- he hates all creative people equally.
A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the
tree. Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place on a
scientific game. The player should estimate the distance the
ball would have travelled if it had not hit the tree and play the
ball from there, preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass.
A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and
placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried
or rolled onto the rough. Such veering right or left frequently
results from friction between the face of the club and the cover
of the ball and the player should not be penalized for the
erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such uncontrollable
physical phenomena.
A bathroom hook will be loaded to capacity immediately upon
becoming available. This also applies to freeways, closets,
playgrounds, downtown hotels, taxis, parking lots, wallets,
purses, pockets, and so on. The list is endless.
A bird in the hand is safer than two overhead.
A camel is a horse planned by committee.
A characteristic of the normal child is he doesn't act that
way very often.
A carelessly planned project takes three times longer than
expected; a carefully planned project will only take twice as
long.
A clean limerick is a contradiction in terms.
A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no
brain.
A committee is a thing which takes a week to do what one
good man can do in an hour.
A company is known by the people it keeps.
A compromise is the art of dividing the cake in such a way
that each one thinks he is getting the biggest piece.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a
stolen lantern.
A cynic is man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for
a coffin.
A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife
together.
A fake fortune teller can be tolerated, but an authentic
soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half
the kicking around that she deserved.
A fool, indeed, has great need of a title. It teaches men
to call him count and duke. And to forget his proper name of
fool.
A foot is a device for finding furniture in the dark.
A free people always has the right to dismiss its rulers,
whom it regards as its servants, at any time.
A friend of mine stopped smoking, drinking, overeating, and
chasing women all at the same time. It was a lovely funeral.
A gift of flowers will soon be made to you.
A good leader inspires others with confidence in him; a
great leader inspires them with confidence in themselves.
A good name will wear out; a bad one may be turned; a
nickname lasts forever.
A great fortune is a great slavery.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are
merely rearranging their prejudices.
A guy has to get fresh once in a while so the girl doesn't
lose her confidence.
A journalist is a grumbler, a censurer, a giver of advice, a
regent of sovereigns, a tutor of nations. Four hostile
newspapers are more to be feared than a thousand bayonets.
A king's castle is his home.
A lie in time saves nine.
A light heart lives long.
A light supper, a good night's sleep, and a fine morning
have often made a hero out of the same man, who, by indiscretion,
a restless night, and a rainy morning would have proved a coward.
A little help at the right time is better than a lot of help
at the wrong time.
A little ignorance can go a long way.
A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time
never.
A man begins cutting his wisdom teeth the first time he
bites off more than he can chew.
A man is never astonished that he doesn't know what another
does, but he is surprised at the gross ignorance of the other in
not knowing what he does.
A man never discloses his character so clearly as when he
describes another's.
A man said to the universe, "Sir, I exist." "However,"
replied the universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of
obligation."
A man should be greater than some of his parts.
A man who can't mind his own business so not to be trusted
with the king's.
A man who studieth revenge keeps his wounds green.
A man with one watch knows what time it is; a man with two
watches is never sure.
A man's legs must be long enough to reach the ground.
A meeting is a place where people get together to talk about
what they should be doing.
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to
protect the writer.
A motion to adjourn is always in order.
A new broom sweeps clean, but the old brush knows the
corners.
A nickname is the heaviest stone the devil can throw at a
man.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in
the pants.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell.
A person who can't lead and won't follow makes a dandy
roadblock.
A phenomenon known to anyone who has ever lit fires: You
can throw a burnt match out the window of your car and start a
forest fire while you can use two boxes of matches and a whole
edition of the Sunday paper without being able to start a fire
under the dry logs in your fireplace.
A picture is a poem without words.
A piece of electronic equipment is housed is a beautifully
designed cabinet, and at the side or on top is a little box
containing the components which the designer forgot to make room
for.
A pig ate his fill of acorns under an oak tree and then
started to root around the tree. A crow remarked, "You should
not do this. If you lay bare the roots, the tree will wither and
die." "Let it die," said the pig, "Who cares so long as there
are acorns?"
A pipe give a wise man time to think and a fool something to
stick in his mouth.
A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty
habits.
A politician will always tip off his true belief by stating
the opposite at the beginning of the sentence. For maximum
comprehension, so not start listening until the first clause is
concluded. Begin instead at the word "but" which begins the
second, or active, clause. This is the way to tell a liberal
from a conservative--before they tell you. Thus: "I have always
believed in a strong national defense, second to none, but..."
(a liberal, about to propose a $20 billion defense cut).
A pretty woman is a welcome guest.
A professor's enthusiasm for teaching the introductory
course varies inversely with his likelihood of having to do it.
A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.
A quick response is worth a thousand logical responses.
A real friend is a person who, when you've made a fool of
yourself, lets you forget it.
A realist lets circumstances decide which end of the
telescope to look through.