Three ducks at the police station.
Three ducks arrive at the Police station. In deciding whythey're here, a police officer goes up to the first duck and says"What's your name??" The duck replies "Quack". The policeofficer then asks "And why are you here ??" The duck says"For blowing bubbles in the pond." "Blowing bubbles in the pond!!That's illegal!! That's a $50.00 fine!!" The duck agrees to paythe fine.The police officer goes up to the second duck and says "What'syour name??" The duck replies "Quack Quack". The policeofficer then asks "And why are you here??" The duck says "Forblowing bubbles in the pond." "Blowing bubbles in the pond!!That's illegal!! That's a $50.00 fine!!"The duck agrees to pay the fine.The police officer goes up to the third duck and says "And your name must be Quack Quack Quack". And the duck replies "No, it's Bubbles".
A frog telephones a Psychic Hotline.
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You aregoing to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everythingabout you." The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, orwhat?" "No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."
Three bulls talking.
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bringyet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion amongthem. First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don'tknow where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I aint' givin' himany of mine." Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 yearsand have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS." Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have onlylet me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows." They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up inthe middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggestSon-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step hetook toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point. First Bull: "You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt Iwas doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for ournew friend." Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay onthe opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for anargument." They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing thedirt, shaking his horns, and snorting-the bull's equivalent of an Ape'sbeating his chest or Man's bone-chilling, war-like cry of "Stay away from myWoman, Vato!! First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him havesome of your cows and live to tell about it." Third Bull: "Hell, Mister, he can have ALL MY COWS. I'm just making surehe knows I'M a bull!"
Two dogs at the vet.
Two dogs, a poodle and a great dane, were waiting in their cages at the vet's office. The poodle was very nervous and started a conversation with the great dane by saying, "Boy, did I screw up yesterday." His neighbor, being sympathetic, asked what happened. The poodle explained, "My owner is a very religious lady who recently became engaged to the choir director of her church. His family came over to meet me. I don't know what it was about his mother, but when she walked in I lost control and started humping her leg. I couldn't stop. They eventually got a hold of my collar, damn near choked me to death and then threw me in the back room, so now I'm here to be castrated." The great dane said, "I can understand your situation. My owner is an old spinster who never lets me go out. Yesterday she had just completed her shower and was bent over the tub cleaning it out when I walked by. When I saw her bare ass in the air, I lost control. I mounted the old bitch and rode her for all she was worth. I stayed on her until we both collapsed from exhaustion." The poodle then said, "so I guess you are here to be castrated also?" "No," said the great dane, "I'm here to get my nails clipped."
A cat goes to heaven.
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says: "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you desire, all you have to do is ask." The cat says,"Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors." God says, " Say no more." And instantly a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer He made the cat. The mice said."all our life we've had to run. We've been chased by cats,dogs, and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run any more." God says, "say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates. About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently nudges him awake and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?" The cat yawns and stretches and says."Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those meals on wheels you've been sending over are the Best!"
A baby polar bear talking with his parents.
A baby polar bear asks his mother "Mommy, am I 100% polar bear?" The mother looks up in thought, and replies "Well, your father is 100% polar bear, and I'm 100% polar bear, so I'd say yes, you're 100% polar bear." Not satisfied with this answer, the baby polar bear goes to his father and asks "Daddy, am I 100% polar bear?" The father pauses briefly, and responds "Well, your mom's parents were both 100% polar bear, and my parents were both 100% polar bear, so yes, you're 100% polar bear." The father then looks at his son and says "why do you ask?" The son replies "because I'm FUCKING FREEZING!!!!"
