Brunei

November 2000

Brunei Darussalam. A tiny little country based on oil and they have enough to keep the US going for decades. The tiny Islamic Sultanate of Brunei perches on the North Western coast of Borneo between the Malaysian states of Sabah and Sarawak. It lies on a slim alluvial coastal plain, mostly below 150m. 70% of the land is still covered in forests because oil removed the need for a timber industry.

It was originally A SixteenthCentury Empire in Borneo. It declined with European colonial conquests, but re-emerged in the Twentieth Century with the discovery of oil. Consequently, its 288,000 population enjoys a quality of life almost unparalleled in SE Asia. Education and health are free. Houses, cars and even pilgrimages to Mecca are subsidised. There is no personal income tax and the average per capita income is around $20,000 a year. Consequently, the oil industry attracts many European oil workers to earn a tax free fortune and lose their minds through boredom.

The 29th Brunei Sultan is credited as being the “richest person in the world” with $40 odd billion dollars. Unlike Bill Gates, this boy has it all in liquid assets as opposed to shares. His full name is “Kebawah Duli Yang Maha Mulia Paduka Seri Baginda Sultan Haji Hassanal Bolkiah Mu’Izzaddin Waddaulah Ibni Almarhum Sultan Omar ‘Ali Saifuddien Sa’ Adul Khairi Waddien Sultan Dan Yang Dipertuan Negara Brunei Darussalam”. Translated, this means “I am considerably richer than you”. Obviously size of name does count, but forget the money. I would always be taller than this vertically challenged ruler.

Negara Brunei Darussalam means “The Country of Brunei, the Abode of Peace” (off if you can’t afford to stay). The Sultan boy runs everything. No democratic elections since 1962. You can still be arrested for being a tourist/criminal for no reason whatsoever. Alcohol has (god forbid) been banned here since 1991.

I decided to tackle Brunei head on. I stashed a bottle of Labuan duty free rum in my backpack and approached Brunei immigration. Three Muslim women with their chadours were in control - slowly it might be added. A sign said “Que Here”. The customs woman asked “Do you have any alcohol?” Me? The Sixteenth Earl of Winthorpe, usually seen drunk and surrounded by beautiful women all around the world? With my reputation?” I guess she wasn’t a fan of the “Fast Show” on TV. She didn’t understand a word and waved me and my bottle of rum ashore. Any visiting Malaysian had to produce “cash” to prove that they could afford to stay. I was allowed in without examination.

A western priced bus took me into the capital of Bandar and I checked into the cheapest place in town – the youth hostel for £4 a night. Every bathroom was flooded with leaking taps, toilets and showers. It was almost as wet as outside where another deluge came down as it does during monsoon season.

Bandar Seri Begawan (Bandar) is the capital and only place in the country of any size. It is a non-descript place with ugly short high-rise modern buildings of no architectural grace, wide streets and a few sights worth checking out. By the river was the old wooden stilt town of Kampung Ayer, one of the ugliest places I have ever seen. It was like a floating rubbish dump with layers of plastic bottles and garbage floating under the houses. There are also a lot of cheap crummy flats around the town.

Ironically, the first impression of Brunei were of the hundreds of Bangladeshi and Philippine manual workers picking up litter and cutting the grass verges everywhere, though they stayed well clear of Kampung Ayer. This was in preparation for the forthcoming APEC Summit. Big Bill Clinton would be breezing in on one of his last overseas visits and they wanted to make a good impression. If I was in charge, I’d start serving alcohol and make sure lots of plug-ugly secretaries were available for him. That would keep him happy. Forget the streets. How are the legal costs doing, Bill?

Bandar is a place to drive around. Noone walked, except me, but it was quicker than using the infrequent bus service. Their mission was to have a bus system up and running by 2005 “ready for the tourists”. They don’t really care about the lack of tourists. They can afford not to. The Tourist Information Centre had closed down, or at least, noone had ever heard of it. Yet, while I was researching my trip, Brunei’s tourist board in London sent me a bumper package of booklets – all completely irrelevant because I wasn’t a business traveller.

I walked from 6am until 3pm and saw everything the town had to offer. Most of the time was spent walking between the sights. I walked 4km west of town to see the ‘Istana Narul Iman’, the official residence of the Sultan. Built for a reasonable US$350 million, it is the largest private residence in the world. It is larger than the Vatican, but at least the Pope can get a beer in his house. A massive monument to self-indulgence, it is over ½ a kilometre long with 1778 rooms and 257 toilets (which says something about the local food). The royal banquet hall seats 4,000. There is also an underground carpark with the Sultan’s huge car collection. I wonder if he has a VW Beetle? Should be more than big enough for him.

At the massive gates, I asked the armed security if I could get a free breakfast and got a blank stare. It is closed to the public and you can see nothing from the road. If you charter a boat down the river, you get a better view. I bought a postcard and saved the money. There are no admission charges to anything in Brunei, but at the same time, cameras are banned everywhere.

On a hot, humid morning, I tramped another 4 km to the Jamei 'Asr Hassanil Bolkiah Mosque, set in immaculate, harmonious grounds, tended by Bangladeshi workers below the Mosque's sea blue roof, golden domes and slender minarets. This is Brunei's largest mosque, built in 1992 to commemorate the Silver Jubilee of the Sultan's reign. I signed in as Hugh G. Rection. Hugh would get to sign many visitors’ books today. The mosque was stunning - a sumptuous affair of thick decorative carpets (which I wasn't allowed to walk on)and chandeliers. Immaculate and new. Close circuit TV monitored the interior. It was the most impressive modern mosque I had seen and the best thing in Brunei as far as I was concerned.

The 'Royal Regalia Building' was a strange affair. This also dated from the 1992 celebrations and was based in a magnificent semi-circular building fitted out with lush carpets and marble. There was a sycophantic biography of the Sultan with labels like "Since childhood His Majesty has a very cheerful, generous and benign personality" (unless anyone mentions his height). So would I with 40 billion dollars! There was a whole room dedicated to his coronation including 'the golden hand’ used to support his chin which looked like something out of the 'Terminator 2' movie. Another huge room contained his golden trailer which he was pulled through the streets on with lines of headless dummies all in colourful traditional costumes. The 'Coronation Carriage' which dominated the place looked like a golden 'Batmobile'. Same design, but golden and pulled manually. The place was worth a visit.

The Omar Ali Saifuddien Mosque dominates the centre of town. Built in classical Islamic style in 1958 by the Sultan's father - shortarse senior, it was frankly nothing special but heavily promoted. It's reflection was mirrored on the surface of a half moon lake surrounding one side.

Another 4km walk east of town brought me to the 'Brunei Museum' which was rather disappointing in that the 'History of Oil & Gas in Brunei' section was 'temporarily closed'. The place was dominated by hundreds of pots recently recovered from a Sixteenth Century Chinese shipwreck off shore. I actually had a snooze on a comfy chair in a quiet room. A kind female schoolteacher with 3 of her pupils took pity on me as I started the walk back into town in the rain and gave me a lift. Other than her, I found the locals rather aloof. They had money and cars and ignored the few tourists (I counted about 8 in two days). Noone could give me directions to anywhere. It was a bit like living in "Invasion of the Body Snatchers".

Despite the rain, a couple from the Slovakian Republic and I caught the last bus at 6pm to the Jerung Park Playground on the coast. Conceived as a "lasting testimony to his Majesty's generosity to his people", it is a state-of-the-art funfair and completely free. Or it would have been, if it had been open on this wet Monday night. Cheers mate. Why not provide a bus system as well that runs after sunset. We managed to avoid a hefty taxi charge back, when a local offered us a cheaper ride back. On the way back, he moaned about the state of the economy, how buildings were being left half-built or half-rented because there was no demand. He could find sympathy between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.

Bandar's sights looked a lot better at night, with the mosques lit up with bright Day-Glo colours and spotlights. You can 'do' Brunei in a day. The English couple who I travelled with to Sarawak with tried to do it in 2 hours! It rained all night and it was bloody miserable.

Early, the following morning, I had to help the conductor, push start the bus to get it going. $40 billion and they can't afford to change the sparkplugs. It would be another long day of on and off travelling.

The journey of only 65km to Seria, was desperately slow. I doubt that we got more than 10mph out of the bus. It took us nearly 3 hours! Seria is at the very epicentre of the oil and gas wealth. There are 'nodding donkeys' (small oil well pumps) and pipelines running around the surface everywhere. There were smart if dreary housing compounds for the Shell Oil Company employees and a British army camp. Everything was very tidy. This is where you hole up to make your tax-free fortune. It reminded me of Belize, Central America. I would have gone nuts within a week through a complete lack of distractions.

At Seria, we thankfully changed buses for another to Kuala Belait further westwards down the coast and changed to another bus to take us to the Malaysian border. We had to get off the bus, get onto a car ferry, cross a wide river and board another bus on the other side. Four bus journeys, a boat ride and I was back in another country by noon.

Few people ever bother to visit Brunei. And they won't care about the lack of interest, until the oil runs out. Yes it was worth a visit, but only because I had to pass through it to get to Sarawak, Malaysia. The strangest thing was that Singaporean Dollars are matched to Brunei Dollars and are legal currency, so I didn't even have to change money.

Roadkill totals on trip so far: 14 dogs, 7 donkeys, 7 rats, 5 cats, 1 kitten, 3 snakes, 2 camels, 2 cows, 1 goat, 1 porcupine, endless bus, truck and moped crashes.

Costs in Brunei for 2 days (in British Pounds Sterling)

Travel - £7.80
Accommodation - £8.0
Food - £4.56
Other - £2.12
Total - £22.48>
Grand Total - £5952.07 (plus last Malaysian day)