Singapore (Parts 1 and 2)

October & November 2000

We arrived at the World Trade Centre in Singapore and were greeted by a modern western shopping mall. Singaporean immigration let us in with no problems. The ferry company had already processed our immigration forms by typing in all the passport information which was printed out onto the immigration forms. A return to real technology. I almost missed the hand-written ledger books and questions like "How do you spell England?"

After changing money and astounded by prices of items in the shops, we found the bus stop. Singapore has an excellent public transportation system, but you need the correct change. I had to go back to the moneychanger to get coins. Every numbered bus rolled around every ten minutes. We caught one to the Central Business District to our hotel, the "Ah Choo" one of the cheapest in town (£8 for a small room with two bunk beds and shared facilities with hot showers!). We also got free coffee in the morning, the newspapers and current affairs in English on the TV. At ground level there were a couple of excellent cheap restaurants.

One of the first things we did was weigh ourselves. Paul was gutted by the fact that I had dropped to 79 kilos, even less than his bulk (for the first time in history and he had lost 4 kilos). I hadn’t been this light since 1986. He got over the shock by eating 5 meals a day in Singapore. The food was excellent and everywhere, but at western prices. I weighed up the cost of food and cans of beer at the 7-11 and opted for the latter. I ate once in two days. Paul ate at least 10 meals, loving it. "I'm on holiday, man. Who cares?" he'd yell, stuffing down another seafood soup. I found it funny to finally see ‘fat’ Asians. People here are prosperous and they eat very well. We looked normal in size here.

Just north of the Equator, “Singapore is a small island at the southern tip of the Malaysian Peninsula. It thrives on trade and through a combination of hard work and efficient, if at times, repressive government, has become one of the most affluent countries in Asia” (Lonely Planet). All SE Asian finance goes through Singaporean banks and they make a fortune. There is a perception of cleanliness and orderliness but also bland Westernisation.

Sir Stanford Raffles founded the “Lion City” in 1819 as a trading city and military base for the English Empire. When the Japanese took it by surprise in World War Two in 1942, it was one of England's most embarrassing defeats. In 1965, they broke away from Malaysia to create their own tiny country and it has boomed ever since. There would be a 9% increase in economic growth in 2000 alone. This is based on shipping, banking, tourism, ship building, oil refining and some hi-tech industry.

The Chinese (77%) with Malay (14%) and Indian (8%) people making up the rest dominate the population of 4 million people. English is now spoken as much as Chinese is. They copied the American dream to the letter. Smoking is banned in all public places. Even chewing gum is banned. If you drop any litter you get a hefty fine. A second offence is a double fine and months of community cleaning. Durian fruit (my favourite) is banned from hotels and public transportation (because of the smell). Drug offences, like Malaysia carry the death penalty. Drinking water is very clean from the tap. It is essentially the perfect western city in the wrong place.

News item: "Singapore is planning to introduce new windows in high rise flats in an effort to prevent more domestic helpers from falling to their deaths while cleaning high rise windows. At least 24 maids have died in the past 4 years”. (I'd be looking for a house maid serial killer).

News Item: A riot broke out at McDonalds when they ran out of 'Hello Kitty’ toys. Over 300 people waited while 2 men chanted "secret slogans and vulgarities" and encouraged the crowds to rebel. They got 5 months imprisonment. The Singaporean authorities don't mess about.

News Item: ‘Singapore's first 'internet home'. “A couple can turn on the lights, control the TV, blender, a/c, stereo, and PC from any corner of the world - as long as they have access to the internet" Why would you need to turn a blender on from anywhere in the world? Does the cat have a special diet? If so, how does it empty the blender? I think we should be told. The Government is attempting to turn Singapore into the first ‘high tech’ city whereby everyone has a PC in their house and networks link the communities to download information and communicate (with their blenders).

Singapore is a shoppers' heaven. You trip over air-conditioned shopping malls everywhere. It is the American dream come true. Early the next morning, we walked down to "Raffles Hotel" three blocks south. It is Singapore's oldest (1915) and most famous hotel ("no oiks" said a sign outside). We wandered into the ornate lobby in our T-shirts and shorts. Paul put on a brave face, walked up to reception and asked if Dr Ivor Biggan had checked in (an in- joke for English people). They checked the register to find no such person. The Manager then walked up. There were house rules. No shorts. I told him that the rules should also ban anyone from Wales. This is where Michael Palin gets to "rough it" on his well-publicised BBC tours.

We walked over to Malaysian Airlines and booked flights to Borneo. Paul was keen to see the final Formula 1 Grand Prix race in Kuala Lumpur so I left him to organise that (which only cost £20 in the cheap seats - less than a fifth of the cost to see it in England), and I took off for the Zoo.

To get there, I used the modern underground metro (MRT). Very plush. Touch screens to get your ticket and sealed doors (just like Moscow) between the train and platform (none of the "mind the gap" announcements in the old London underground).

Singapore publicises its zoo as its major sight. Yes it is impressive, but no, it doesn't beat the San Diego Zoo in California. The location is perfect. Surrounded by a lake and covered in tropical rain forest, you feel as if you are entering a jungle. The apes and monkeys have free reign. They are not caged and live in the trees, but for your normal zoo animal (hippo, polar bear etc), the pen sizes were average (except that they had glass walls against the water so you could see them swimming or farting - very impressive).

They had an amateur sea lion show. Enjoyable, but the Americans can make their sealions and whales drive cars. In the hot humid climate, half the animals (e.g. kangaroos) were asleep. Nevertheless, it took me five hours to tour the zoo. I got to see my first Komodo Dragons which I would visit in Indonesia - carnivorous lizards. There were also ‘walk inside’ compounds, where you walked through enclosed areas with lots of wildlife in your face – like bats and snakes. I can't knock it. It was worth a visit. It was better than the shopping malls.

Paul was supposed to join me for an orang-utan photo session at 4pm. He failed to show. Not that the orang-utan missed him. I found him at the zoo entrance having his own KFC tea party outside ("it was just sitting there man - all this food - I had to have it"). We hung around for 90 minutes for the more unique "Night Safari". The only animal Paul wanted to see was a battered chicken leg.

The "Night Safari" was more like it. There is a second zoo with 40 hectares of secondary rainforest where all the nocturnal animals are kept. 1,200 animals and 100 species .The idea is that you enter around dusk and wander around the trails of the complex to see the night animals awake. But if you are a "tourist" you catch a crappy motorised tram with commentary like "on your left, you'll see bugger all because it is dark" etc. It was a Japanese tourist’s dream and there were hundreds of them getting dragged around the park with dull comments ("on your whight is a whight whrhino"). We took the cheap route - walking around the trails which was certainly a unique zoo experience. All the animals were awake and eating. The cheetahs and tigers were especially impressive. Huge legs of meat had been hung from a tree close to the glass partition, between them and us. When the tiger had finished eating, it walked right past the glass panel. Just two feet between the panel and us. Women screamed. I was impressed. It would be the closest I ever came to a tiger without dying. It was huge. We wouldn't have stood a chance.

Of course, many of the animals were grazing pastoral types. I was surprised that the giraffes were kept in this section of the zoo (they sleep at night). Then I discovered that they had been kicked out of the main zoo for a new "Ethiopian section" - whose highlight will probably be 'the fastest animal on two legs’ - a chicken running through an Ethiopian village.

The tour groups came past thick and fast on their golf caddy trains. Paul and I decided to show our disdain at the lazy tourists. Just as they were passing an animal with a cute name (the ‘bongo’ or something), we dropped our shorts for a "Full moon" to be revealed by the tram headlights. But 200 tourists passed 2 bare behinds 6 feet from their faces in front of the Bongo and noone said a word. That’s how awake they were. A new low!

Finishing off, we attended the 'lets get cute animals out on stage to do their tricks' show. Naff, but enjoyable. Especially when the animals failed to follow orders and the trainers looked like idiots - "I'm sorry radles ran grentlemen, Zorro has never done zis before" and when some poor sod had to hold an enormous heavy 12 foot python snake. She nearly shat herself. Its not often you spend 8 hours at a zoo. Recommended.

The following morning we caught a bus across the 'causeway' back into Malaysia. The hours ride involved leaving the bus to depart Singapore and re-enter Malaysia. But there was an accident on the freeway and the traffic was backed up. We had left at 7.45am for the 10.20 flight from Johor Bahru. Free visas all around and no problems. What was most interesting were the traffic signs telling Singaporeans that they were not allowed to leave with less than a half tank of petrol (Malaysian petrol is cheaper). At immigration, officials looked at your passport and the petrol gauge in your car. By the time I returned 3 weeks later, this rule had been scrapped. Cars are discouraged in favour of the public transport system which is an excellent policy.

It was a rapid visit through Singapore. I would return after Borneo. Nice place – but very expensive against the rest of SE Asia. I came away thinking that every American city wishes that it could turn itself into Singapore.

There is a scam going on when you leave Johor Bahru, Malaysia, to enter Singapore. As you enter Malaysian immigration, men try and sell you the immigration card for Singapore for a dollar. Since when do you pay for an entry card? I ignored them and picked one up from Singapore passport control. Been travelling too long mate! The woman at Malaysian immigration went through each passport, page by page. It took me 15 minutes to get through. My passport was almost full. "You like to travel, don't you? No shit Sherlock. It was my second visit to Singapore to 'finish it off'.

I was welcomed back at the "Ah Choo Hotel" like an old regular, but was in a dorm room this time. One of the cheapest, friendliest places in town. I attempted to sort out my next travel plans to Indonesia, but it was a fruitless task. No info on Indonesian ferries from Singapore, and the cheapest flights to Jakarta were booked for weeks. It would mean a return to Sumatra by boat and a long bus ride to Jakarta.

The first 11 pages of 'The Straits Times' were dedicated to the Singaporean Airways crash in Taiwan - a huge embarrassment to them. They even had the 'alive' and 'dead' passenger lists. At the post office, I discovered that it cost nearly 50p to send a postcard - so noone got one.

Downtown Singapore was very familiar. Miles of shopping arcades and restaurants. I wandered around over 2 days in the hot humid 32'c climate to do some of the sights.

The "Raffles Hotel" museum was a small but well presented affair about the history of the world famous hotel, and full of memorabilia. Started in 1887, it became the "place to stay in SE Asia" and became a firm favourite with the celebs. There was a photo of Charlie Chaplin trying to pick up underage girls (only kidding Charlie). One night, I walked past the spectacularly lit hotel facade, which had lines of police motorcycles outside ushering in VIP limos. "I'm afraid you can't enter sir (like the peasant you are in those clothes)", I was warned.

It’s a bit snobbish in Singapore. I wasn't allowed inside the ornate "Cricket Club" pavilion (members only) and my attempt to enter the tallest hotel in the world - the 'Westin Stamford Hotel' with its 70 floors, was thwarted by 'dress code' and the fact that you had to have a guest pass to operate the lifts. I hope Singapore has an earthquake which flattens the smarmy gits.

The National Museum had a new World War II exhibit, promoted by an American naval plane crashed into the upper outside facade which looked very impressive.

I toured Chinatown, now a tidy area near the financial district and pretty sterile (there was even a WH Smith's identical to every one in the UK). There were a few sights: The Sri Marianmman Hindu Temple burst out with primary colours and wild-looking statues of deities. The rooftop was lined with a procession of real size white cows laying around. Dozens of them. During the festival of Thimithi, the devotees do firewalking on hot coals to prove the strength of their faith, but I didn't see any Indians with burnt feet.

The old Chinese houses had been given a facelift and there were a few small Chinese temples with ornate interiors and incense sticks everywhere, but nothing special. The most interesting sight was the 'wet market' in the basement of the 'Chinatown Complex'. Here they sold cages of live frogs, turtles and '100% crocodile flesh'. Slabs of fish lay everywhere. Loads of cheap food stalls too.

In the 'Colonial District', I checked out St Andrew's Cathedral (1862) with its high vaulted, Neo Gothic style and stained glass windows. The strangest thing was the close-circuit TV with TV screens hanging down over the pews at the side, so they could follow the action at the altar. I'd never seen that before.

Singapore is very high tech. Even the toilets have an infra red beam, so when you stand away, they automatically flush. They have introduced an Electronic Road Pricing (ERP) system. Cars are fitted with a device that monitors their movements around the city and charges them according to area and time travelled and at what time of the day. I'm sure that London will have this system within 5 years. You pay for credits in advance and they are automatically deducted. Owning a car in Singapore takes a lot of bucks. You have to apply for a Certificate of Entitlement (COE) which costs $10,000 alone just to get permission to have a car. This lasts 10 years and you have to reapply every ten years. Then you still have to buy the car, insure and run it.

There is a lot of "No" in Singapore. Signs everywhere. No spitting, no littering, no smoking, no farting, no picking your ass, no feeding the pigeons. No jaywalking (which I didn't find out until later - I couldn't work out why people stood at crossings like zombies and I just crossed the road when and where I felt like it), no unnatural sex (good job I left the donkey at home) etc etc.

However, public relations are second to none. You are warmly greeted at every major sight with a smile and "Can I help you?" and the occasional "Have a nice day". It was a pleasant change from Vietnam ("how much have you got and how little do I have to do to get it?")

I was cheered up considerably by an afternoon excursion to the 'Jurong Bird Park' out in the far west of the island using the excellent MRT metro system which is still expanding and many streets are just construction sites laying the system down. There was a sign saying "No Durian Fruit" by the turnstiles, along with no smoking, no littering, no unnatural sex etc.

The 20 hectares of Birdland had more than 8000 birds from than 600+ species, making it the largest bird collection in SE Asia and one of the largest in the world. It was spectacular and a 'must-see' in Singapore. I spent 6 hours there, absolutely gobsmacked.

Some of the highlights: 'Penguin Parade" - an artificially controlled and covered area with the temp reduced to their usual environment. The Emperor Penguins were enormous with their comical 'penguin suits'. You could watch them dive underwater behind the glass. At feeding time, they all waddled around on their huge feet and lined up, one by one, to get their fish. The marvellous "World of Darkness" was a fascinating exhibit which swaps day for night with reversed lighting so nocturnal birds are awake during the day. It was full of owls and kiwis. The humming bird section was also very special.

There was an open area dedicated to colourful parrots and macaws right next to you. Some could talk. One whistled the theme tune to "Bridge Over the River Kwai". There was also "Parrot Paradise", a huge and loud collection of parrots from all over the world. At the "Hornbill and Toucan" section, there were 17 types and the largest collection in the world. I finally got to see some of the species that had eluded me in Borneo. Massive beaks. The woodpecker section attacked the trees. Pink flamingos, scarlet ibis and pelicans wandered around.

The SE Asia section had a tropical thunderstorm simulated at midday. Under a huge aviary stood a 100ft waterfall - the largest artificial waterfall in the world. The park monorail even ran through it. You could walk along wooden boards with endless varieties of birds flying around.

I took in a couple of the free shows. The 'all star birdshow' had 30 minutes of birds doing tricks which the crowd loved. I volunteered to have a macaw land on my palm with a free drinks voucher (I was that cheap). The 'King of the Skies' show was a tour-de-force of speed flying by a band of trained eagles, hawks, kites and falcons. They swooped over our heads in spectacular movements. Even this outside show had air conditioned spray cascaded over the crowd to keep it cool. It was one of the most pleasant afternoons I'd had on this trip and can't praise it enough.

That night, I took in a movie - my first visit to a cinema since leaving England. Before the movie "The Replacement" (usual comic, sports, crap hero makes good plot - which the audience loved - so did I - it was in English with no subtitles), there were numerous "No" short commercials. Switch off your mobiles, no talking during the movie and a gory 'no smoking' film, dissecting a smokers body.

The following day, I met up with Kelly, my Singaporean contact. We had met via the internet a couple of years back, when she had read one of my travel articles about the area where I was living. She was intending to visit the area and I had invited her to stay. We had remained 'email pals' ever since. Over a late breakfast ('Laksa' - a spicy noodle soup with coconut milk and er, Kelly's treat - a bottle of beer), we caught up on the news. Kelly in her late 20's (I hope that's right Kelly) had just changed jobs but had managed to visit Cambodia, Japan and Montreal this year to give me a run for my money.

We explored the area known as "Little India" north of my hotel. Like Chinatown, it is a sterilised version - clean streets, no cows wandering around, but the women wore saris and the shops sold Indian food and clothes. Indian music (how I don't miss that!) blared out of loudspeakers. It was the 'Deepavali' Hindu festival celebrating the victory of Light over Darkness and the streets were lined with colourful lighting for the evenings (a sort of Blackpool meets Singapore).

We passed a Chinese shop having it grand opening. A small (2 men) Chinese lion was doing the blessing. The dance involved the lion, consuming oranges and after a nap, the segments were left on the floor shaped into a blessing. Its head was too big to get through the shop door, so it danced around while a gang of youths banged incoherent Chinese music on drums. It all took an age and we gave up waiting for the large Chinese Dragon to get going to do it's stuff.

The Sakaya Muni Buddha Gaya - the Temple of 1000 Lights (which Kelly had never visited - it takes a tourist to show you your own town!), was a Buddhist temple built by a Thai monk in the late 1920s. Outside, were two huge yellow lions and a facade in primary colours. Inside, sat an enormous plaster Buddha ringed by 1000 light bulbs. The unique thing about this Buddha was that you could walk behind it and into its backside to find a 'reclining Buddha' (20ft long) inside. The statues/deities within the temple were adorned with offerings of tins of condensed milk (Apparently, Buddha liked his milk, but tinned condensed milk doesn't go off).

Just down the road, was another colourful Indian Hindu Temple where during the Thaipusam Festival, the devotees’ don huge metal frames, which are fastened to their skin by hooks and prongs. What with that and the firewalking at the other place, Hinduism seems a painful religion to follow. Maybe they should take up TV Evangelism. Forget that, that's really painful to watch, especially those brown shoes.

We checked out the Sim Lim Square shopping mall, where all the latest state-of-the-art IT/camera/video stuff is sold at rock bottom prices. Floors of PCs, TVs, and digital cameras. I couldn't believe how things had moved on in a year, or the prices. PCs you could send into space on NASA's Space Shuttle cost about £500. Bring a credit card and have a field day.

Our final sight was the Chinese Temple of "Kwan Im Thing Hood Cho", named after the Buddhist Goddess of Mercy. The most popular temple in Singapore, it is here that troubled Chinese people come to get spiritual guidance over secular problems (basically, they get their fortune read). I had to give this a go. Here's what you do:

You are given two half moons of red plastic and a container with dozens of numbered sticks. You toss the plastic onto a mat and hope that one lands 'up' and the other 'down' - to signify that you are ready to let destiny take a hand. I got them down in one go. Then, there is the prolonged shaking of the container until you gradually edge out one of the sticks. It took me ages, but only one fell out. Some poor sod lost a dozen - which one to choose? You then take the stick to a counter and they give you a slip (according to your number) of paper with a brief message. But they also have reference manuals with a full reading. This is what mine (no 45) said:

"By being always tender and kind towards people you may gain great merit. (well that's me buggered for a start). To know your future fully, you should bear in mind that your patron saint will always be ready to come to your rescue (St Guinness?). Heaven has great sympathy for your devotion. By following the course of heaven, you may have protection and miracles may happen to you (I'm going to win the lottery?). Such benevolence given to you must not be forgotten. You and your family will enjoy peace and safety at home (they get the peace, because I'm not at home). Trade dealings will go well and your wish to make profits will be realised. Matrimonial arrangements will go smoothly. Your wife will have a baby boy (excuse me?). Autumn is the best season for farming and silk industry, but raising cattle will be no better than average (this needs to be updated for IT people). The guest you are expecting may encounter difficulties (like finding me!) and the missing will return in time. Lost things can be found in the East (so that's where I left my car keys). In law cases, you will win because you are in the right (Judge, I never touched her). Mitigation is recommended. Praying to God is the only way to cure the sick. (Or increased Health insurance). To change ancestral graves, you should turn to both east and west". (Dad. Where do you want to be buried?).

That seemed to cover everything. Kelly said that people only came when they had a specific dilemma and somewhere in the reading, they would get a clue. We finished up with a typical Singaporean dessert of 'Chendal' - crushed iceflakes, Durian paste, jelly, sweetened red beans, coconut milk, brown sugar and syrup (got to get that weight back on). It had been a really enjoyable day and it is always nice to see a mate.

It was time to escape from Singapore. It is a clean, comfortable city - almost a perfect city in many ways, and I'd recommend a 3-day stop over en route to Australia. Maybe I was just glad to see western culture again. I was equally glad to return to non western prices.

I headed for Malaysia for a 4th and final time. The weekend is the worst time to leave because all the Malaysian workers head home for their Sunday off. The queues were immense on Saturday afternoon. I left at 7am on Sunday, and the buses were still packed.

Costs in Singapore for 5 days (in British Pounds Sterling)

Travel - £104.28 (including £:98 return flight to Borneo)
Accommodation - £24.40
Food - £28.40
Other - £23.24
Total - £180.32
Grand Total - £5321.96