TO
J
KES
PAGE
Next day John came home and Jane said, "Honey, the cabinet door fell off
today. Could you put it back on for me please?" To which John, of course,
replied, "Do you see 'Carpenter' written anywhere on the front of this
shirt?"
Next day John came home and Jane said, "Honey, the water pipe under the
sink
is leaking. Could you fix it for me please?" Right! John replied, "Do you
see
'plumber' written anywhere on the front of this shirt?"
Next day John came home and the light switch was working, the cabinet door
had been replaced, and the pipe wasn't leaking. John said, "I see you found
some
good repairmen". To which Jane replied, "No, I just called the neighbor
next
door." John asked, "Oh really? And how much did he charge?"
Jane laughed and said, "He didn't charge anything. He said I could just
bake him
some "goodies" or we could trade it out in sex." To which, of course, John
asked,
"Well, what kind of "goodies" did you bake for him?"
And Jane said proudly while displaying the front of her shirt, "Honey,do
you see
Betty Crocker written on here anywhere?"
******************
A priest and nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car
breaks
down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night
in a
hotel.
The only hotel in the town has only one room available.
Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the
circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep
on the
lounge and you have the bed. Nun: I think that would be okay.
They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room.
Ten
minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold. Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does)
Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)
Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind
if we
acted as man and wife just for this one night.
Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own damn blanket.
******************
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying
in the
street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned
and
the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you
want." The
Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally
the Russian
says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka."
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass
out
of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear.
Looks like
vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste
and it is
the best vodka he has ever tasted. The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha,
Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian
takes
another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink,
it is
vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best
vodka
she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.
The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get
two
glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The
result
is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun
comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife,
"Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka." His
wife
gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian
begins to
piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why
do we
need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight
my love,
you drink from the bottle."
********************
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for
a particularly
slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15
minutes!
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.
Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're
rather slow aren't they?
George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their
sight while
saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free
of
charge!
(silence)
Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and
see if
there's anything he can do for them.
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
******************
This mangy-lookin' guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender
says
"No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says "You're right.
I don't
have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will
you
give me a drink?" The bartender says "Only if what you show me ain't risque."
"Deal!" says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out
a hamster.
He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down
a
barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts
playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says,
"You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster
is truly
good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for
another.
"Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches
into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar,
and the frog
starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch, a fine singer.
A
stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers
him
$300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred
and
gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it. The bartender
says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut?! You sold a singing frog for
$300?
It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!"
"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist!"
********************
A very tired looking man walks in to a bar and orders a drink, but as soon
as the
bartender puts it down, a little leprechaun, just a foot tall, runs out
and kits
the glass off the table and runs away. The man does not look suprised.
He tells
the bartender that he'll pay for the damages and can he have another beer.
But
as soon as the bartender puts the glass down, the leprechaun runs out again
and
this time he pisses in it and runs away. Now the bar tender asks "excuse
me for
prying, but what's going on here with that leprechaun?". The tired man
looks up a
little and says, "well, I was stranded on a desert island once, and I found
a
genie in a bottle. He said he would grant me one wish, so without even
thinking
about it, I asked him for what I'd wanted all my life. A twelve inch prick."
*****************
Irishman finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks "Master
you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would
you like" Irishman scratches his head, then answers "A bottle of Guinness
that
never gets empty. "Granted master" retorted the Genie and produced the
bottle. The man was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle
for weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes. He rubbed the
lamp again and the Genie appeared. "Yes master, you have two more wishes,
what would you like?" "You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle"
he
asks the Genies. "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of
them"
*****************
Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations, (So
it
says)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hail: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Reply: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a
collision.
Hail: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Hail: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE
WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
Reply: This is a lighthouse... Your call.
*****************
A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports
car
when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she
happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks
on
the door.
When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my
carbroke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until
tomorrow when I can get some help? "Well," drawls the farmer, "you can
stay
here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke." She looks
through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She
judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay", she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little
hot
just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly
goes
into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you
the ways
of the world?"
They say, "Huh?" She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant,
so
you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three
of
them go at it all night long.
****************
*****Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch,
rocking bak and forth.
Jed says, "Luke?"
Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"
Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty
years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"
"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not".
"Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."
*******************
A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three
months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a
supply boat to a
supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London.
The train was
extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his
feet and
walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down.
Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was
room
for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking,
older British
lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her. "Could
I please sit in
that seat" he asked. The lady was insulted; "you Americans are so
rude" she
said, "can't you see my dog is sitting there"? He walked through
the train more
and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same
place. "Lady,
I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold
your dog if I can
sit down" he said. The lady replied "you Americans are not only rude
you are
arrogant" she said. He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired
he
finally said "lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months
with
not a decent rest for all that time; could I please sit there and hold
your dog?"
The lady replied "you Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are
also
obnoxious."
With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw
it
out the widow, and sat down. The lady was speechless. An older, neatly
dressed
Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. "Young man,
I do not know
if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But
I do know that
you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side
of the road,
you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the
wrong
bitch out of the window."
A depressed young woman was so desperate ,that she decided to end her life
by
throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome
young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've
got a lot
to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow
you away
on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving
closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you
happy,
and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded 'yes'. After all, what did she
have to
lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat.
From
then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit,
and
they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine
search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the
Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained.
"He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He sure is, lady," said the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
**************
From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked
to
imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."
My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get
buried
under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told
him
the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't
want to
upset him. Age 10
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have
lost
the nose hair and the old-man smell. Age 5
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just
a lawn
mower. Age 11
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that
the wet
paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some
tiny
cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate,
and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and
everyone
died. Age 13
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog.
Then I
tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff.
Dog
people sure don't have a sense of humor. Age 14
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why
I don't have
any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last
day of
their life? Age 15
Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about
the
last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!" Age 15
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday,
like they
do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting
for a
candidate born on July 3 or December 26,
just for the long weekends. Age 8
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few
minutes
each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.
Age 7
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just
any old
yokel vote. Age 10
Home is where the house is. Age 6
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That
is, I
used to, until she got an unlisted number. Age 15
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident.
No, wait.
That would be good because if anyone needed it,the blood would be right
there.
Age 5
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the
things
I cannot, and a great big bag of money. Age 13
The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think it
odd
that I drive without pants. Age 15
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. Age 13
A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young
man
walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers,
"I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman." "What's wrong with that?"
asks the young man.
Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand.
Every morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunchtime she
comes
home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal.
In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral
sex,
the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long,
we
make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like
you
have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"
The senile old man answers, again through his tears,
"I forgot where I live."
A man walks into a library, and puts $5,000 on the counter.
The librarian looks
up, and the man speaks
"I bet you $5000, ma'am, that by this time tomorrow, your nipples will
be
gone."
The librarian was flabbergasted... all she could manage was "WHAT?!"
The man continutes:
"I'm dead serious! Here's the $5000! But by tomorrow, I bet
that your
nipples will be gone."
The librarian answers "You're on, pervert."
The librarian takes a cab home, to avoid breast-slashing maniacs, and stays
away
from all sharp objects in her house. She shows up to work a little
late the next
day, slightly nervous. The man from yesterday walks in, with an accomplice.
"Well?" Asks the man.
With that, the librarian removes her shirt, and proves that her nipples
are still
in place. The man hands over the $5000, and the accomplice hands
over an
envelope.
"What was that all about?" asks the librarian?
"Simple" answers the man. "This guy bet me $20,000 that I couldn't
walk in
here and get you to show me your tits."
Four retired guys are out, first one tees up, slices his ball into the
trees, has
to go retrieve it. While he's gone, one guy says "So Bob, how's your son
doing?"
"Well, you know my son's got an auto dealership, and they had their best
year
ever. It was so good that he gave a friend of his a car." Next guy: "So
Bill, how's
your son doing?" "Well, you know my son's got a boat dealership, and they
had
their best year ever. It was so good that he gave a friend of his a boat."
Third
guy: "So George, how's your son doing?. "Well, you know my son is a real
estate
broker, and he had his best year ever. It was so good that he gave a friend
of
his a house." Meanwhile, the guy who lost his ball is back: "So Sam, how's
your
son doing?" "Well, I dunno. You all know my son's gay... But hesomething
right
because some friends gave him a house, a car, and a boat." must be doing
There was once a clairvoyant little boy, who could foresee the future.
One night while saying his prayers, the little boy was heard to finish,
"God bless
Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa." The next day
his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack.
A few weeks later, the little boy was praying, "God bless Mommy, God bless
Daddy, goodbye Grandma." The next day his poor grandmother was hit by a
bus
while crossing the street -- she never felt a thing. A month or so later,
the
little boy was praying and said, "God bless Mommy, goodbye Daddy."
His father
panicked. He had himself driven, very carefully and slowly, to work, by
an armed
guard in an armored security truck he hired. He couldn't concentrate, however,
thinking about those words, "Goodbye Daddy." He finally came home early,
but
very carefully. He was met at the front door by his wife, who said, "What
do you
think happened today, dear? The most awful thing -- the milkman dropped
dead
on the back porch."
A newlywed couple were having rough financial times so the husband said
"honey,
we have no choice. In order for us to have this roof over our heads and
to eat,
you'll have to sell yourself until we get our heads above water. Don't
worry, i'll
be in the next room so you won't get hurt." The wife said: "o.k. honey,
but how
much do i charge?" Her husband replied "$25 for a handjob, $50 for a blowjob,
and $100 for sex."
About an hour a knock later, the first customer came to the door. This
man was
gorgeous, athletically built, beautiful smile, glimmering eyes - a total
knockout.
She took him to the bedroom and gave him the price structure. The customer
said, "let's start with the handjob, here's $25". The wife finished that
and he
said, "let's continue with the blow job, here's $50". After that, the wife
said,
would you please excuse me for a minute?
She went to the next room and whispered desperately to her husband "honey
give me $25!"
After a hard day at the office, three guys decide to go out for a cocktail
to
wind down. The bar becomes very crowded, a few drinks turns into many and
soon everyone is tanked. All three lose track of each other and end up
going
home separately. The next day at the office, the three gather by the
watercooler to discuss the past evenings events. The first guy says, "I
got so
drunk last night that I went home and blew chunks."
The second guy pipes in, "That's nothing. I got so drunk that I got in
my car and
drove it right into a telephone pole. Totaled it. I didn't get hurt but
now I have
no car."
The third guy says, "Well, I got so drunk that when I got home, I cussed
my
girlfriend out and knocked over a candle which lit the apartment on fire.
She
dumped me, all my belongings are destroyed and the home insurance won't
cover
the damage."
The first guy motions the two to come closer and whispers,
"I'm not sure you understand. Chunks is my dog."
A couple return from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that
they
are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and
asks
what is wrong, "Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love
on the
first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the
pillow
without thinking."
"Oh, I shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend "I'm sure
your wife
will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving
yourself
all these years!" The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I
can get
over it though, she gave me $20 change!"
A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: "Something has just
come
up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a
lifetime.
We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially
my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." He goes
home in a
hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.
A week later he returns.
His wife asks: "Did you have a good trip, dear?"
He says: " Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
His wife smiles and says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"
A boy was walking home one day, enraged by a licking he had taken from
the
school bully. As he crossed the yard, a chicken came out in front of him.
He
kicked the Chicken and his mother saw him and said, "I saw that! You cannot
have any chicken for a month."
Later on in the barn - still mad- he kicked the pig he walked up to. His
mother
saw him again saying, "I saw that, young man. You can not have any pork
for two
months."
The boy's father was just getting off his tractor when a cat walked by.
His
father kicked the cat out of the way. The boy saw his mother heading in
that
direction and spoke out, "Ma you want me to tell him or should I.
A man walks into a bar with a monkey he had just bought at the pet store.
He
sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The monkey jumps down off his shoulder
and runs over to the pool table and ate the cue-ball. The bartender said
"Your
monkey just ate the cue-ball!!! GET OUT NOW!!" the man left. Two
months
later the same man comes back with the monkey on a leash. The monkey
jumps
off his shoulder and graps a peanut, shoves it up his ass, pulls it out
then eats it"
The bartender said " Did your monkey just shove a peanut up his ass then
eat
it?" The man says "Yeah ever since to cue-ball incident he checks everything
for
size"
One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the unemployment
office to hire someone for the day. When he arrived, they didn't have any
painters available, but they did have a gynecologist there. He reluctantly
took
him along to help.
A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the unemployment office
needing temporary help again. This time there were two painters there,
but
instead he asked for the gynecologist again. The clerk asked, "Why do you
want
a gynecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right
now?"
He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at the
house
and it was locked with nobody home. But I'll be damned if that gynecologist
didn't stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole house!!"
A waitress walks up to the table of three Japanese men at a New York City
restaurant. When she gets to the table, the waitress notices that the 3
men
are furiously masturbating! She asks, "What the hell are you perverts doing?",
to which one of the men replied, "We all berry hungry"! She responds, "But
why
are you whacking off?" One of the three says, "Because menu say `first
come,
first served!"
A lady is golfing with some friends. After sinking her first putt, she's
on her
way down the path to the second tee when she gets stung by a bee. She rushes
the short distance back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor. She
bumps
into the resident golf pro, who says "What can I help you with?" The woman
tells
him she's been stung by a bee. The pro asks, "Oh really, where?" The lady
replies, "Between the first and second hole." To that the golf pro states,
"Well,
first of all, your stance to way too wide!"
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take
my nephew
to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse.
"Oh no,"
I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that
deep
down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the
real
Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
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