TO
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The pope dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter is showing him around they
arrive at
the palace where all the people in heaven live. St. Peter shows the pope
to his
room which is a very cozy nook right across the hall from an enormous suite.
"I see you've put me right next to God," the pope says with tears of joy
in his
eyes.
"Well, actually he's a lawyer," replies Peter embarrassed.
"What!" cries the pope, "You could fit my room in his foyer! Why I spent
my life
in the service of the lord!"
"Yes," St. Peter sighs, "I'm sorry about that but you see we have so many
popes
but we only have the one lawyer."
**************
A fellow is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products.
At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle
nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop! noise.
"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide.
"The
popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are
manufactured.
The machine makes a noise: 'Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!"
"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour, "I understand what the 'hiss,
hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop!' every so often?"
"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the
guide. "It
pokes a hole in every fourth condom."
"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"
"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"
**************
A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with
another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put
his
Umm, well, you know...in a vice. He secured it tightly and removed the
handle.
Then he picked up a hacksaw.
The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to...to...cut
it off,
are you???!?"
The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm
going
to set the garage on fire."
**************
There was a couple who would say washing machine when they wanted sex.
On
their honeymoon the groom carried his bride over to the bed and said honey
washing machine. She said not tonight honey I'm really tired from today.
Well
they both rolled over and turned off the light to go to sleep. As they
were
falling asleep she started thinking about how it is their wedding day and
how
much she loved him. She rolled over and said honey washing machine. The
groom
replied don't worry it was a small load so I did it by hand.
**************
3 girls died and was brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the
gate,
they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel.
St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple
question."
"Which is ...?", they replied in unison.
"Have you been a good girl ?", he asked the first girl.
"Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married and was still
virgin even
after I got married."
"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the golden key."
"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl.
"Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married but was
not
after I got married."
"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the silver key."
"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl.
"Oh no, not at all", she said. "I practically have sex with every guy I
met before
and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime".
"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl.........my room key."
**************
An older couple was going on a cruise for their 50th anniversary. When
they got
onboard, the wife discovered she had forgotten her hearing aid.
The first night, when they came into their cabin, they noticed it had bunk
beds.
The husband asked her "Up or Down?". The wife looked at him, tore all his
clothes off and almost loved him to death.
The next night, he once again asks "Up or Down" and she practically raped
him on
the spot!
This goes on every night for the whole cruise.
The first night they are back at home, the couple was getting ready to
get into
bed. The husband, hoping it will still work says "Up or Down". The wife
looks at
him funny and said "What are you talking about?"
The husband, looking a little sheepish says "Well, when I asked you that
on the
cruise every night, you gave me the best loving we ever had!"
The wife starts laughing and said "I didn't have my hearing aid, I thought
you
were saying Fuck or Drown!
An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman are in a bar discussing
how stupid their wives are...
**************
The English man says: You know my wife must be the most stupid woman on
this
planet. There was a sale down at the supermarket last week, she bought
$300
worth of meat, and we don't even have a freezer...
The Scotsman says: That's nothing, my wife went out last week and bought
a
brand new car for $8000, and she can't even drive...
The Irishman says: You think that's stupid, I went home last week and my
wife
told me that she'd booked herself a two week holiday in Tenerife. I watched
her packing her case and she took nearly 400
condoms with her, and she doesn't even have a penis...
**************
A guy died and went to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon
passing
the entrance test, St. Peter says, "I'm not very busy today, why don't
you let
me show you around?"
The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer.
St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and
library,
the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room
full
of clocks.
The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"
St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much
time he
has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes
to
the Gates to be judged."
The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are
going
faster than others. He asks why is that?
St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds their clock."
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before
leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling.
On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks,
"What's the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's OJ Simpson's clock. We decided to
use it
as a fan."
**************
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding
his own
business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!
knocks
him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was
a karate
chop from Korea."
The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts
drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down
AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."
So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself
off and
quietly leaves.
The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying
a word,
he walks up behind the big dude and --WHAM!!!"-- knocks the big dude off
his
stool, knocking him out cold!!!
The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell
him
that's a crowbar from Sears."
**************
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front
porch
with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied
"I'm
going away from here." He questioned her as to why she was going and she
told
him "I just found out that I can make 400 bucks a night doing what I give
you
for free". He pondered that Then went into the house and packed his bags
and
returned to the porch and his wife. She said "And just where do you think
you
are going?" He replied "I'm going too". "Why?" She asked. He said "I want
to
see how you you are going to live on 800 a year".
**************
On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble
picking
suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the
room.
Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked execpt for a lemon
between her legs. The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed
out of the room himself. Twenty minutes passed and then he came back himself
with a potato around his dick.
The wife gave him a wierd look and then the husband replied "If your going
as a
sour-puss, I going as a dictator".
**************
An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examinations
on the
same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor
then
said to the elderly man:
"You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that
you
would like to discuss with me?"
"In fact, I do", said the man. "After I have sex with my wife for
the first
time, I am usually hot and sweaty. and then, after I have sex with
my wife the
second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
"This is very interesting", replied the doctor. "Let me do some research
and
get back to you."
After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears
to be
fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with
me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns.
The doctor then asked: "your husband had an unusual concern. He claims
that he
is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and
then cold
and chilly after the second time.
Do you know why?"
"Oh that old coot!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually
in July
and the second time is usually in December!"
**************
A blonde and a redhead woman went to lunch. They had to wait for their
table
so they sat in the bar and had a drink. The TV was on and they noticed
the news
was showing a man on a rooftop threatening to jump. The redhead told the
blonde "I bet you 50 bucks he jumps." The blonde said you're
on. Sure enough
the man jumped so the blond starts to dig out her money. The redhead felt
kind
of bad so she said "that's ok, I cheated. I saw this on the 10 o'clock
news last
night. The blonde said "Well so did I, but I didn't think he would
jump twice in a
row!!
**************
<Compliments to OldGold!>
A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems
with
her sex life.
The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting
a
clear picture of her problems.
Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are
having
sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"Well, how did he look?"
"Very angry."
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere
and he
said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now
tell me,
you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that
seems
somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw his face that time?"
"He was
looking through the window at us."
**************
A farmer goes to his local farm equipment store and tells the salesman
he
wants to buy a milking machine."Certainly, sir. Right this way," says the
salesman. "How many cows will you be milking?" "Just one,"
says the farmer.
"Oh," says the salesman. "Well, sir, I really wouldn't recommend a milking
machine for only one cow. You could milk three cows by hand in the time
it would
take you to set up the machine and clean it afterwards."
I said I want a milking machine. Now, are you going to sell me one, or
not?" the
farmer replies indignantly.
"Well, sure, I'll sell you one if that's what you want.
Just making sure, that's all," says the salesman.
The salesman shows the farmer the milking machines and the farmer picks
one
out, after reiterating to the salesman that, yes, he really does want the
machine even though he only has one cow. After he's rung up the sale, the
salesman's curiosity gets the best of him. "Sir, if you don't mind my asking,
why
are you so insistent on buying this milking machine even after all I've
said?"
"Well," says the farmer, "I got a new cow a couple of weeks ago. The first
time
I tried to milk her, I tried from the left side and she put her left foot
in the
bucket. The next day, I tried milking her from the right side and she put
her
right foot in the bucket. Then the next day, I tried milking her from behind
and
she put her tail in the bucket. The next day, being fed up, I tied her
left leg to
the left side of the barn, her right leg to the right side of the barn,
and her tail
to the rafter. Now if you can convince my wife that all I wanted to do
was milk
that cow, I won't need this milking machine."
**************
A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation
sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first
day but, on
the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she
slipped
out of it for an overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was
lying
on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss,"
said
the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from
running
up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but
we would
very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see
me
up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man.
"You're lying on the dining room skylight."
**************
A visitor to San Francisco is standing on a street corner waiting for a
bus when
he notices a blind man and his guide dog. The dog leads the man into the
street,
where he is brushed by an oncoming car. The man is knocked down, and he
rather
gingerly gets back up. He calls the guide dog over, reaches into his pocket,
pulls
out a canine treat, and gives it to the dog.
The visitor, upon seeing all this, walks over to the blind man and says,
"That's
amazing! Your guide dog led you into a busy street where you were nearly
run
over by a car, and yet you're giving the dog a treat.
You must really love that dog." The blind man turns to the visitor and
says, "No,
I'm gonna kick that dogs ass--I'm just trying to find out which end is
which."
**************
An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says
that
the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.
He figures
he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him
up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home
and at
the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door
and up
the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.
This
time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep. He awakens the next morning
to
his wife standing over him shouting at him.
"So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"How did you know?" he asks.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
**************
So, a guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company.
There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so
he's doing
alright--but after a few months he gets "lonely", if you know what
I mean!
The pig starts to look more and more attractive--soft, pink flesh,
round
buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards
the pig,
the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his
leg. Very frustrating. One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon,
so he swims
out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the
bottom of the
boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings
her
into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough
to walk
and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't
know how I
can ever
repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."
The guy thinks for a minute and says "Would you mind taking my dog
for a
walk?"
**************
One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding.
He went
up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing
he
noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop
dead
blonde, the works.
"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am.... could I see your drivers
license...?"
"...What's a license...???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the
fact that
she was as dumb as a stump.
"It's usually in your wallet..." replied the officer.
After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.
"Now may I see your registration?.." asked the cop.
"Registration?..... What's that....?" asked the blonde.
"It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently.
After some more fumbling, she found the registration.
"I'll be back in a minute..." said the cop and walked back to his car.
The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license
and
registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back; "Ummm....
is this
woman driving a red sports car?"
"Yes...." replied the officer.
"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher.
"Uh... yes" replied the cop.
"Here's what you do...." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back,
and drop
your pants..."
"WHAT!!? I can't do that. Its..... inappropriate..." exclaimed the cop.
"Trust me..... just do it...." said the dispatcher.
So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration
and
drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.
The blonde looks down and sighs..."Ohh no... not ANOTHER breathalyzer..."
**************
A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.
After a
while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying,
"I know
that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you
really never
even tasted it?"
The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, "I must tell you the truth.
Yes I
have, on the odd occasion. "
The rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "I know that in your
religion,
you're supposed to be celibate... but... " The priest interjected, "Yes,
I know
what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once
or
twice. "
The two resumed their reading. There was silence for a while.
Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper and said, "Better than pork,
isn't
it?!"
**************
The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together
as
they gyrated to their own tattoo.
The woman cocked her ear, "Quick! My husband's coming through the front
door!
Hide in the bathroom!" she cried.
The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and
as she
turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.
"What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked.
"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you."
she
replied with a knowing smile.
"Great," he said, "I'll just nip into the bathroom and I'll be with you
in two
shakes."
Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man
clapping his hands together in mid-air.
"Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded.
"I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of
these
pesky moths," the lover replied.
"But..but you've got no clothes on?" stammered the husband.
The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, "The little
bastards!"
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple
of left-over
things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and
Eve in the
Garden.
He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability
to
stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he
found
hanging around under an apple tree.
"I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."
Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love
to be
able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please,
oh please,
oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great! When I'm working
in the
garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool.
Oh please,
God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please........."
On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).
Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if
Adam
really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that
would
make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the
ability
to stand up and pee.
And so it was. And it was...well, good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "What's
left here?
Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."
**************
Bert and Flo met in a night club one night and dance the night away. They
hit it
off pretty well and soon Bert suggested they go to his apartment for some
extracurricular activity.
Well it wasn't long before they found themselves in bed making passionate
love.
As they were making love though, Bert noticed something strange. Flo's
toes
would curl up as during every lovemaking sesion.
When they were done, They laid back on the bed and relaxed against the
pillows,
Bert, being impressed with himself said, "I must have been pretty good
tonight.
I noticed your toes curling up every time we made love.
Flo looked at him and smiled. "That usually happens when someone forgets
to
remove my pantyhose."
A travelling ventriloquist on the road in between jobs decided to practice
his
craft before his next show. He stopped at a farmhouse and approached the
farmer who lived there. "Hello there, Mr.Farmer, I was just passing by
and I
was wondering if I might speak to your dog." The farmer replied, "Well,
you
know, dogs don't talk." The ventriloquist said, "You'd be surprised what
a dog
might tell you. Can I speak with him?" The farmer, eyeing the ventriloquist
suspiciously, called his dog. "Hi there, Mr. dog," said the ventriloquist.
"How does the farmer treat you?" To which the dog replied, "Oh, he's great!
He
throws a stick for me, scratches my belly, and I just love him!!"
Needless to say, the farmer was dumbfounded. Wanting to see if he could
fool
the farmer again, the ventriloquist asked if he could speak with the farmer's
horse. "Well, you know, horses don't talk." Again the ventriloquist said,
"You'd
be surprised what a horse might tell you." So the farmer brought out his
horse.
"Say, Mr. Horse, how does the farmer treat you?" asked the ventriloquist.
The horse then replied, "Oh, I think he's great. He feeds me oats, he puts
a
blanket over me atnight, and I just love him!" Again the farmer was amazed.
Wanting to try his luck a third time, the ventriloquist said, "Mr. Farmer,
would
you like to hear what the sheep has to say about you?"
"Well," declared the farmer, "Sheep lie, ya' know."
**************
A farmer buys a cute little filly that he plans on racing next season,
but when he
gets her home, his old stallion smells her and wants her and starts kicking
up
dust. The farmer doesn't want her knocked up, because she won't be able
to
race, so he calls the vet.
The vet tells him to tie a bedsheet around the philly's rump to keep the
stallion
away. So that day, the farmer does just that.
The next day, the farmer goes out to the corral to make sure the vet's
solution
worked, but the filly's nowhere to be found. The farmer follows her
hoof trail
to the neighbor's farm, and sees the neighbor's kid out by their barn.
"Hey boy, did you see a filly run by with a bedsheet tied around her rump?"
the
farmer asks.
The kid replies, "No sir, but one dashed past here early this morning
with a
handkerchief sticking out of her ass!"
**************
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring
yet
another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among
them.
First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled
our
differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't
know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't givin' him
any of
mine."
Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years
and
have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight'em
till I
run him off or kill 'im, but I AM KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only
let me have
10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but
I am
young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up
in the
middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest
Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step
he
took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: "You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt
I was
doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new
friend."
Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on
the
opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an
argument."
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing
the dirt,
shaking his horns, and snorting -- the bull's equivalent of an Ape's beating
his
chest or Man's bone-chilling, war-like cry of "Stay away from my Woman,
Vato!!
First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have
some of
your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, Mister, he can have ALL MY COWS. I'm just making sure
he
knows I'M a bull!"
**************
Sam sees the postman once a week, and gets groceriesonce a month. Otherwise,
it's total peace and quiet. After 6 months or so of almost total isolation,
he's
finishingdinner one day when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and
there
is a big, bearded Vermonter standingthere. "Name's Enoch... Your
neighbor
from four miles overthe ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd
like to
come."
"Great," says Sam, "after 6 months of this I'm ready tomeet some local
folks.
Thank you." As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna
be some
drinkin'." "Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I
can drink
with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some
fightin'
too."
Damn, Sam thinks... Tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be
there.
Thanks again."
Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these
parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for 6 months!
I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"
Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna
be the
two of us."
A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and
she
goes back with him to his hotel room.
He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his
arm is
one which reads, "Reebok". She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about
it.
Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and
Reebok pays me for advertisement." A bit later, his pants are off and she
sees
"Puma" tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual
tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS"
tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock.
"I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!"
He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".
**************
A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking
around
until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center of the ice
and begins
to saw a hole. All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky.
"You will find no fish under that ice."
The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more,
the
voice speaks.
"As I said before, there are no fish under the ice."
The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul.
He picks up
the saw and tries one more time to finish. Before he can even start cutting,
the
huge voice interrupts.
"I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!"
The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How
do
you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?"
"No", the voice replied. "I am the manager of this hockey rink."
**************
LEVEL 1:
It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave
because
you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round.
One of
your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come
on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers),
I'm
cool.".
LEVEL 2:
It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes
arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level
two, a little
devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out
with my
friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides,
as
long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool.".
LEVEL 3:
One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent
20
minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress
is
the most beautiful woman I've ever seen! " At level three, you love the
world.
On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end
of the
bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey
fellas,
if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it.
Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit
bigger....and
he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as
I get
three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm
cool.".
LEVEL 4:
Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered
a
bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way
to the
bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you
don't
like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking
man I've
ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown
out, and one of you knows an ...after hours bar. And here, at level four,
you
actually think to yourself, "Well....as long as I'm only going to get a
few hours
sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good
for
me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards.
Yeah,
I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get
31
hours sleep tomorrow ...................cool.
LEVEL 5:
Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back
at the
tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!! "), you and
your
friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been
in prison
as recently as...that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil
is
going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I've got that
brunch with
Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some kind
of thick
blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh
stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry
that
girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO
FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you
hit the
worst part of level five- the sun. You weren't expecting that were you?
You
never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their
way to
work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say... "Who's
Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like
a victory
like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like
God's
flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do
this again
(how long?) as long as I live! " And some of us have that little addition,
"and this
time, I mean it!"
**************
They've only just met this evening. But it's spring and they can barely
control
themselves.
Quickly they walk through the park and lay down behind an elder-bush in
the
moonlight.
When everything's over he says in a low voice: "Honey, if I knew you were
a
virgin I would have slowed down a little".
On which she whispers: "Darling, if I knew you could control yourself a
little
longer I would have taken off my panties".
**************
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out
for a
pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love
is in the
air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says "Pierre, kiss me!"
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre the
fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little,
Marie
says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts
pouring
it all over her chest.
"Pierre! What are you doing?', asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre
the
fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie
leans
close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it
in her
lap. He strikes a match and lights it on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, she throws
her
arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU
THINK YOUR DOING?"
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot!
When I
go down, I go down in flames!"
**************
Bill & HIllary are at the first baseball game of the season...opening
day!!!
Suddenly and very unexpectedly, (and before the game had gotten started)
Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the side and onto
the
field.
The audience at the game as well as on the television stations, was shocked.
Equally stunned was the home plate umpire, leaning over to help Hillary
get on
her feet, and he shouted, "No, Mr. President!" I said, Throw the
first "pitch" !"
**************
Seems a fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire
department from the near-by town was called to put the fire out. The fire
proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle. Someone
suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. And though
there
was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made. The
volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They
drove
straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The
volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying
water
in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking
the
blaze into two easily controllable parts. The farmer was so impressed with
the
volunteer fire department's work, and so grateful that his farm had been
spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteer fire
department with a check for $1000.
A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department
planned to do with the funds.
"That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna do
is get
the brakes fixed on that damned fire truck."
**************
A young man bought a new pair of boots of which he was very proud so he
decided to go dancing an give them a try. After dancing with one lady for
a few
minutes he said "I bet you I can guess the color of your panties."
"O.K.", she replied, "what color do you think they are?"
"Blue", he replied.
"How did you know that?" she asked?
"I saw the reflection in my shiney new boots", he said.
"Here she said dance with my sister an tell what color she has on", the
lady said.
After dancing a few minutes the young man started rubbing he toes on his
pant
cuffs an started to dance again. After a few minutes he ask the lady "what
color panties do you have on, I can't seem to make them out."
To which she replied, "I don't have any panties on."
With a sigh of relief the young man said, "oh good, for a minute I thought
I had a
crack in my new boots."
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