Horoscopes

Aquarius (Jan. 23-Feb. 22) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a real jerk. Pisces (Feb. 23-Mar. 22)You are a pioneer type and think most people are idiots. You are quick to reprimand. You are impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but piss off everyone you come into contact with. You are a prick. Aries (Mar. 23-Apr.22) You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit. Taurus (Apr. 23-May 22) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stuborn and bull-headed. You are nothing but a damn communist. Gemini (May 23-Jun. 22) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Gemini's are notorious for thriving on incest. Cancer (Jun. 23-Jul. 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer. Leo (Jul. 23-Aug. 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leo's are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves and enjoy masturbation more than sex. Virgo (Aug. 23-Sep. 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while having sex. Virgo's make good bus drivers and pimps. Libra (Sep. 23-Oct. 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nill. Most Libra women are whores. All Libra's die of veneral diseases. Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 22) You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpio's are murdered. Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit. Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 22)You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken-shit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should end it all right now.