The Royal Family’s life ain’t
so private anymore!
Magus: Welcome everybody to the “Magus I-don’t-know-my-own-name-but-maybe-I-don’t-have-one Show!” Today on my show, we figure out what King Guardia and his guards really do behind closed doors! Let’s bring out our first guest!
[king Guardia XXXIII comes out
carrying flowers]
Magus: Welcome…[cough] Dumbass
[cough]
Guardia: What did you just say to
me? Did you just call me a dumbass? You should bow down before me, cuz I’m your
King!
Magus: [Sarcastically] Okay, what
ever you say! You have to remember that I’m not from this time and my army and
me have been fighting your ancestor in 600a.d. for years!
Guardia: Good point!
Magus: So why are you here, tell
me quick so I can kill you… uh, treat you to Ice cream…
Guardia: Anyways, my troops and me
like to do “things” after a war…
Magus: Like what?
Guardia: Let me put it this way,
we work hard, then we play hard!
Magus: Oh really…
Guardia: Oh yeah, and we play
often!
Magus: Okay, let’s bring out our
next guest!
[Frog comes out while making love
with his sword]
Frog: [To sword] oh Masamune,
you’re the only one who treats me right!
Magus: Oh geez, weren’t you just
here yesterday?
Frog: Yes.
Magus: Why are you here AGAIN… how
many more problems do you have?
Frog: Me and Guardia and Masamune
are all love partners…
Magus: That’s, uh, disturbing…
Frog: Don’t knock it until you’ve
tried it, I bet I get satisfied by Masamune and King Guardia more times in a
day, then you get satisfied by Flea!
Magus: [Clearing his throat] Um…
what are you talking about?
Frog: You know what I’m talking
about!
Magus: Anyways, so I hear that you
have a secret King Guardia?
Guardia: Yes, you know Marle
right?
Magus: Yes, seeing as how she was
on the show yesterday…
Guardia: Yeah, me and her have been
doing things!
Magus: But isn’t she your
daughter?
Guardia: YES!
Magus: Isn’t that illegal or
something? [Shudder]
Guardia: Just remember, I MAKE THE
RULES, I’M THE KING!
Magus: But that’s disgusting…
[Marle runs out]
Marle: Yes I admit it; I’ve been sleeping
with my own father!
[Chrono runs out]
[Lucca and Ayla run out after
Chrono]
Magus: Jesus, didn’t you guys
leave Chicago yet!?
All: No, not yet… actually, we
didn’t even leave the building yet!
Chrono: What are you talking about
Marle? Are you seriously sleeping with your own father!
Marle: Yes!
Chrono: That’s disgusting!
Marle: What the hell are you
talking about Mr. “I’m not satisfied with one girl so I go sleep with two
others!”
Chrono: But I thought we really
had something special!
Marle: Well, shit happens, tough
titties!
[Guardia starts to drool]
Guardia: TITTIES!
Marle: Not right now!
Chrono: NOT EVER!!!
Marle: I’m not with you anymore,
stop treating me like I’m yours!
Chrono: But Marle…
[Chrono puts arms on Marle’s
waist]
[Marle hauls off and slaps Chrono]
Chrono: Oh shit, I lost another
girl!
[Ayla and Lucca are standing on
stage. Chrono walks over to Lucca and
puts on a flirtatious face]
Chrono: How you doin’?
[Lucca kicks Chrono in the groin
then she steps back, away from Chrono]
[Chrono looks at Ayla]
Chrono: How you do…
[Ayla cuts off Chrono]
Ayla: Don’t start!
[Ayla and Lucca start beating up
Chrono again]
[Chrono manages to yell out]
Chrono: Be careful, I’m very
sensitive!
[Ayla and Lucca stop beating up
Chrono]
[Chrono gets up, and walks off
stage, mumbling]
Chrono: Well, I guess it’s back to
my pillow!
[Ayla and Lucca follow him]
Magus: I’m not even gonna ask!
Guardia: So, yeah, me and my
daughter do it!
Magus: I think it’s about time
that we bring out our next guest… please!
[#1 Knight walks out]
[#1 Knight starts to take off his
clothes]
Magus: What the hell are you
doin’?
#1 Knight: I’m the Kings’ hooker!
[#2 Knight walks out]
#2 Knight: Me and the King pose in
a 69 position on the internet!
Magus: Um… the internet hasn’t
been invented yet! You’re about 990
years to early!
[#3 Knight comes out]
#3 Knight: I run the Kings’
private condom shack, and I test the condoms out on the King!
[The Royal Chef comes out]
Magus: I’m afraid to ask…
Chef: Hi Magus, it’s been a while
since I last saw you!
Magus: [Sarcastically] That’s too
bad… anyways, why’re you here? Don’t tell me that you do nasty things with
beef!
Chef: No actually, I don’t cook, I
just make things for the King that come from a can!
Magus: Why?
Chef: * Nothing says lovin’ like
something from a can! *
[Magus puts hand over face]
Magus: Oh geez!
Chef: yeah, me and the King like
to open up a can, and have a romantic candlelight dinner, and supper, and
breakfast, and late night snack!
All the Knights and Marle: I
thought you said that you didn’t like the Chef, that he doesn’t make you horny!
Guardia: If I actually told you
what made me horny, we’d be here for days!
[Marle, Knights, Chef, Frog and
King Guardia start to fight]
[Blood’s going everywhere]
[Magus looks at everybody fighting
in envy]
Magus: Speaking of opening up
cans!
[Cue Stone Cold Steve
Austin’s Music]
[Magus kicks every bodies ass]
Magus: [In middle of fight] We’ll see you next time on the “Magus I-don’t-know-my-own-name-but-maybe-I-don’t-have-one Show!”
~Next
on the “Magus I-don’t-know-my-own-name-but-maybe-I-don’t-have-one Show!”
What
does the Chancellor think about all of this, and what about the floating
cities, like Zeal!?~
*Author’s note: When I said “Nothing says lovin’ like something from a
can”, I was taking it from Tyler Greene Muise, because I thought it was a funny
line! *
