The Last Defense-The Origins of Antithicess

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On the Anamolous Structure and Subsequent Reaction of the Cess and Anti-Cess Collision

Wacky, Captain.
"The Proliferation of Cess-Based Weapons of Mass Destruction."
Oxford: Wacky Publishing Enterprises, Inc. 2001.

PART ONE: THE STRUCTURE OF CESS

The element of Cess (commonly referred to as Pengonium) has long been known to science, but only now with the help of modern techonolgy has man been able to fully understand and comprehend its power. Cess, unlike all other radioactive materials, undergoes not a constant degredation of atomic structure but rather a constant growth. This continues for as long as the specific sample of Pengonium remains viable (usually until it has reached or is close to having 300 protons). At this point the sample apparently ceases all growth for a short period of time. Unfortunately, it remains unkown at this time why or how Pengonium stops growing, although some theorize it may have to do with the threat of the element over-growing its space and causing unthinkable concequences for the rest of the world. Religious scholars believe that the mysterious destruction of Peng may be a merciful act of Master of the Universe, popularly known as the One of Clean Skull and Head.

However, Cess always manages to spring up again. This is due once again to its unique growth pattern. As Pengonium becomes larger, and thus more unstable, greater and greater amounts of Cess are spewed out into the world. Like the maple seed, one inevitably finds fertile ground and begins the life anew.

Luckily, the world has not suffered the ravages of a full-blown Pengonium reaction in some 65 million years. The last known incident of a mass of any scale going critical occurred in the early 20th century (1908). In what came to be known simply as the Tunguska Incident, a highly reactive mass of Cess trapped within a small comet crashed into the Earth in uninhabited Siberia. The blast leveled trees in a hundred mile radius, and the incredible shockwave broke windows as far away as London. Other effects were just as dramatic. The country of France, as a whole, was effected by the high levels of hostility, and its citizens have remained snooty to the rest of the world ever since. Amazingly, the severity of the Tunguska Incident is only estimated to have .003% of the fury of a full-blown Cess reaction.

Incredibly, Cess appears not to exist in any of the standard forms of solid, liquid, or gas. It seems to reside within the bowels of certain electronic environments. Cess also seams to have an aversion to other elements and is never found within a compound. Pengonium can be identified easily by its foul odor and dripping sarcasm.

PART TWO: THE STRUCTURE OF ANTI-CESS

In one of the most exciting moments in recent scientific history, researchers announced the discovery of Anti-Cess just this week. This discovery answers one of the long held questions for astro-physicists: If Cess exists as we know it to, what is it that contains the vicious element; what keeps the delicate balance to prevent Pengonium and its violent reaction from destroying the universe? The answer is something akin to the relationship between matter and dark-matter, or the Yin and Yang of East Asian culture.

The structure of Anti-Cess is profoundly different than that of its cousin. Based on preliminary results, it appears to contain all the useless information about war that ever existed. With the help of advanced technology, you can actually see within the structure of Anti-Cess the tensile strength of Ragnar Lodbrok's 9th century Viking sword, or the precise muzzle velocity of the Brown Bess Musket. In a word, it Anti-Cess might be described as "groggy."

Unfortunately, due to the reletive newness of the discovery, no more knowledge exists dealing with Anti-Cess, although more is sure to follow in the coming years.

PART THREE: THE CESS/ANTI-CESS REACTION or MAY GOD HELP US ALL!!!

So what would be the consequences of collision of Pengonium atoms with a lump of Anti-Cess? I can only speculate, but the results would be catastrophic. If a Cess reaction alone could destroy the universe, what would happen if it were combined with complete opposite?

Early theories are not pleasant. Some believe that combining the two driving but opposite forces of the universe would cause a massive chain reaction, as each atom was ripped apart by the enormous forces around it. The universe would literally explode into an infinite amount of sub-atomic particles, incapable of reforming, and thus ending life forever.

The other leading states that the Cess and Anti-Cess would actually combine, ala the attraction between a + and - magnet. The resulting mass would consist of utter nothingess, tearing a great rift in space and time. The nothingness would draw all matter into it and destroy it. With a lack of matter, gravity would no longer exist, and therefore the space-time relationship as we know it would end. The universe would simply "cease" to be, possibly similar to the legend that if one pronounces the name of God backwards he or she will undue all of creation.

Luckily, Cess and Anti-Cess have so far not interacted. Several dangerous incidents have been recorded, though. Just this week a large quantity of Cess leaked outside of its containment field shortly after a breakdown at the laboratory.