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A Cynic's Wordbook

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Ambrose Bierce used the title A Cynic's Wordbook for the first draft of his famous Devil's Dictionary. Since he dropped the former title, I have picked it up, dusted it off, and put it on the following collection of crabbed, spiteful, occasionally (I hope) insightful definitions. I don't mind if you enjoy them, but if you publish them elsewhere, give me credit. In other words, © Copyright 1998 by Robert P. Collins.

A

access n.: 1. the right, usu. purchased, to speak candidly to democratic leaders.; 2. permission to travel the information superhighway. (vid.)

Alabama pr.n.: one of the 50 states, consistently in the running for poorest, worst or least of the 50 in any given category. Also see: A Brief Alabama Almanac.

alternative adj.: 1. other.; 2. packaged and/or marketed in such a way as to persuade certain youthful, usu. bored or skeptical, consumers to make a purchase.

America n.: an imaginary country figuring prominently in mythology of the United States.

ante-bellum adj.: of or pertaining to the lifetime of Scarlett O'Hara.

B

bias n.: an opinion contrary to one's own.

bilateral adj.: imposed on two adversaries by a stronger third party.

bipartisan adj.: 1. unsatisfactory to either party: a bipartisan agreement.; 2. achieved by undemocratic means; railroaded: a bipartisan initiative.; 3. of no real concern to either party: a bipartisan consensus.

C

celebrity n.: a contemporary saint, being one who has achieved name recognition and possesses at least one other cardinal virtue.

The seven contemporary cardinal virtues:

efficiency
overwork
wealth
name recognition
sexiness
luck
American birth.

collateral damage n.: 1. killing and maiming of noncombatants by military personnel. 2. heedless destruction of a community infrastructure by military forces.

What can a cynic possibly add to this definition? As someone once said, "No matter how cynical I get, I can't keep up."

college n.: an ordeal of initiation into the higher socio-economic classes, usually lasting at least four years.

community n.: 1. a collection of individuals among whom dissent is not tolerated.; 2. a theoretical concept representing the group of individuals who would allegedly benefit from (and therefore should presumably support) policies inspired by a given variety of identity politics (vid.).

community college n.: an indoctrination facility for wage laborers. Sometimes called technical school, vocational school or skills center.

community service n.: compulsory labor under the supervision of a punitive authority.

consumer confidence n.: needless consumption of goods and services.

The frequency with which the term consumer confidence is used without irony is an indicator of the extent to which a society goes along with the myth of the growth economy. Most members of such a society participate in said economy by producing or managing debt -- the resource with which financiers manufacture "wealth" without adding value.

content n.: the quantifiable output of a creative person, as deployed via any of various media specifically for the purpose of holding consumers' attention until the next advertisement.

crime n.: any rationale for punishment.

crime epidemic n.: a mythical struggle between the forces of Good and Evil, in which Evil is presumed to be winning. Also called war on crime, war on drugs, drug war.

culture n.: 1. a sense of racial or ethnic identity.; 2. highbrow entertainment.

culture war n., oft. pl.: 1. a cheap and easy means of enhancing one's sense of identity by denigrating the customs and practices of a group distinct from one's own.; 2. vilification and repression of a group, as a prelude to expulsion and/or genocide.

The term is derived from German Kulturkampf, coined by the followers of Adolf Hitler.

D

Death Row n.: any of several state-run facilities for isolating and purifying the intended subjects of human sacrifice rituals.

defense n.: 1. a potential capacity for inflicting harm without remorse.; 2. also self-defense: the act of inflicting harm without remorse.

Democrat n.: a member of the ruling political party of the United States.

Synonym: See also Republican.

diet n.: a modern ritual corresponding to the medieval practice of self-flagellation. practiced esp. by women, and consisting of self-deprivation of food and cultivation of feelings of guilt and self-loathing.

dollar n.: the standard unit of measurement of artificial value.

downsizing n.: the firing of employees in order that the funds with which they were formerly compensated may be placed at the disposal of the chief executive officer; a technique by which civic-minded corporations are able to stimulate the economy while also instilling in their (remaining) employees the selfless virtues of efficiency and overwork.

drug n.: any of various substances believed to have miraculous effects on human health and/or behavior.

drug culture n.: a capitalistic subculture centering on the highly lucrative sale of powerful drugs. The drug culture includes merchandisers, consumers, and state authorities in various roles.

The drug culture is characterized by exploitation of consumers, extremely high profits, the use of fear and authority to increase sales, and corrupt collaboration by government officials. In the United States the drug culture is divided into two branches, one of which is proscribed by law' the other branch, known as the "pharmaceutical industry," is lightly regulated and regularly subsidized by public funds. Both drug cultures are thriving.

drug war n.: 1. In the ongoing struggle between Good and Evil, an offensive by the forces of Good. The offensive is usu. portrayed as desperate and unsuccessful, yet imperative to continue. See also crime epidemic.; 2. a United States policy of providing arms and assistance to the military forces of South American republics where military leaders have in the past often overthrown elected governments and ruled by terror.

E

efficiency n.: a form of asceticism in which selfish human values (e.g., health, friendship, happiness, well-being) are subordinated, through an act of will, to the quantifiable values of time and money. The principle virtue.

excellence n.: a quality one discovers in those who effectively or repeatedly advance one's own interests.

F

freedom n.: 1. exemption, e.g., from responsibility or shame.; 2. personal prosperity.; 3. subjection to the government of the United States.

free enterprise n.: an economic system in which private, profit-seeking enterprises receive various publicly financed subsidies.

G

growth n.: 1. the sole determiner of socio-economic health.; 2. Myth., a blessing bestowed upon a society as a reward for efficiency and overwork.

H

healthcare n.: a synonym for managed care.

Hollywood pr.n.: 1. a city in California, one of the principal residences of the United States aristocracy and priesthood.; 2. figurative collective term for the mass producers of commodified information and entertainment.

See also Washington.

I

identity politics n.: any ideology that analyzes culture (i.e., everything) by a classification based usu. on race, ethnicity, gender and sexual orientation, though other categories may be invoked (e.g., age, nationality, native language or property ownership). Identity politics assumes that what is true of one group is not true of another, and that people are defined and limited by the group to which they belong.

See also multicultural. The editors are indebted to Nan Levinson (Index on Censorship) for most of this definition.

immoral adj.: of or pertaining to behavior that is unexpected and/or unsettling.

inflation n.: a panic that strikes the wealthy whenever wealth is being distributed more evenly than usual.

information n.: 1. propaganda.; 2. data.; 3. Myth., the essential matter of the universe.

In contemporary mythology, the present historical epoch is the Information Age, stemming from the Space Age and/or the Atomic Age and/or the Aquarian Age. Unlike adherents of other creeds with an epochal concept of time, however, contemporary mythologists create a new "age" every 10 years or so, making them up as they go along. September 11, 2001 is supposed to mark the advent of yet another epoch, but no one has worked up the nerve to give it a name yet.

information superhighway n.: Myth., the road to paradise.

internment camp n.: a concentration camp operated by one's own people.

J

journalist n.: 1. a writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it in a tempest of words.; 2. a person with nothing on his mind and the power to express it.

Definition 1 is on the authority of Ambrose Bierce; Definition 2 -- which applies equally well to journalists who rely on images rather than words -- comes from Russell Baker.

L

leader n.: 1. autocrat or tyrant: the leaders of Burma.; 2. one that is ranked first, or almost first: industry leader.; 3. wealthy person: community leader.

leadership n.: 1. the ability to control dissent.; 2. success at making money.

M

managed care n.: health-care service which is provided by methods that maximize profit to the service provider.

Managed care is guided by the goal of greatest possible market penetration, to be followed by expansion into other markets. Improved public health is an incidental goal: desirable only insofar as it does not reduce the market for health-care services.

moderate adj.: 1. guided by narrow self-interest; opportunistic.; 2. fearful of or hostile toward change; reactionary.; 3. middling, mediocre.

moral adj.: of or pertaining to behavior that is expected and agreeable; conventional.

multicultural n.: 1. of, pertaining to, or perceived as furthering the aims of, a politics of identity.; 2. not white.

Properly defined, multiculturalism should be understood as the recognition that modern society is characterized by diversity, variety and pluralism. As an ideology, multiculturalism values these characteristics; as a politics, it favors inclusiveness and asserts that diversity should not be suppressed or punished. As often as not, however, the term multicultural is misused to name some form of exclusive identity politics (vid.), which asserts that people have little in common and are defined and limited by the groups to which they belong. The editors are indebted to Nan Levinson for some of this definition.

N

newt n.: 1. any of several small, brilliantly colored, slimy salamanders with a complex life cycle of alternating aquatic and terrestrial phases.; 2. cap. any small, brilliantly publicized, slimy, usu. Southern politician with a complex career of alternating populist, reactionary, "futurist," libertarian and pseudo-scholarly poses, and characterized by predatory vitriol and arrogance.

O

originality n.: the art of concealing one's sources.

P

peace n.: the most popular justification for war.

peacekeeper n.: 1. a soldier in the temporary employ of the United Nations.; 2. cap. the MX missile, an intercontinental nuclear weapon theoretically capable of the simultaneous destruction of several major cities.

peacekeeping n.: occupation of foreign territory without the expense and inconvenience of invasion.

politically correct adj.: 1. resisting any and all debate or discussion; said of one who fears doubt.; 2. intellectually lazy; said of one who desires to be on the right side of a question without being involved in controversy.; 3. repressive; characterized by hostility toward any expression of dissent.

post-traumatic stress disorder n.: a variety of soul murder associated with horror, usually human-made and usually in wartime.

This term, which evolved from "shell shock" (1915) to "combat fatigue" (1940) to "post-traumatic stress disorder" (1970), is an excellent example of the technique of euphemism by syllable multiplication. The more syllables, the greater the psychic distance and the greater the illusion of control and of personal immunity.

prayer n.: 1. a traditional, often anonymously composed work of prose or verse, characterized usu. by invocation, in anachronistic or sentimental terms, of a unique deity.; 2. a formalized expression of fear and dismay about society, the Devil, or both.; 3. any conspicuous public display of piety.; 4. any form of magical evocation.

Regarding def. 2, see also society. N.B.: It is not the editors' intention to discourage prayer except insofar as said prayer resembles any of the cynical definitions given here.

psychological adj., usu. pej.: 1. manipulative, amoral, dishonest: psychological operations in guerrilla war.; 2. insignificant, lacking reality, easily dismissed: psychological reasons.; 3. irrational, inexplicable: psychological causes.

psychology n.: 1. the theory behind the applied science of marketing.; 2. any technique aiming at the manipulation of human behavior.

R

real adj.: 1. assumed to be actual.; 2. adjusted to favor a particular conclusion: in real terms, the real reason.; 3. appropriated as a necessary first premise: a real need for tort reform.

reality n.: 1. any coherent illusion.; 2. the rationale for any decision or action that cannot be justified on its merits.; 3. any consensus favoring the status quo.

Republican n.: a member of the ruling political party of the United States.

Synonym: See also Democrat.

S

security n.: 1. a state or condition of armed paranoia: national security.; 2. a climate in which authorities operate in secrecy and/or with impunity.; 3. an imaginary commodity used in a game called "the markets," typically associated with the ruling class.

security adj.: 1. intended for use as a palliative for anxiety or paranoia: security blanket, home security system.; 2. of or pertaining to the use of force for repression: security forces, security expert.

sin n.: 1. the concept of wrongdoing.; 2. the fact of wrongdoing by others.; 3. a violation of sacred law: the seven cardinal sins.; 4. any action or behavior that can be regarded as supporting the cherished belief in fundamental human perversity.

Compared with the crude medieval list of seven cardinal sins (envy, wrath, etc.), the seven contemporary cardinal sins are far more effective at defining all humanity as fundamentally sinful. What is more, this ideology of sinfulness is propagated by more subtle and more palatable means (e.g., through entertainment rather than sermons or catechisms), in order that it may not be consciously evaluated except with great effort. A further improvement is the inclusion of two paradoxes and of other "sins" that are truly impossible to avoid.
The seven sins are:

weakness
failure
ugliness
ignorance
knowledge
childhood
old age.

S ee also virtue.

society n.: a modern concept corresponding to the medieval idea of the Devil, i.e., a destructive force that operates through individual human beings but is exempt from human control.

sprituality n.: new, improved religion: all the consolation without the obligation.

T

tough adj.: politically expedient.

tough-minded adj.: 1. guided by fear, political expediency, or a combination of these.; 2. lacking mental acuity.

toughness n.: a laudatory name for cruelty.

traditional adj.: 1. exemplifying one's own values and desires.; 2. make-believe.

U

universal adj.: of or pertaining to people like oneself: universal condemnation.

urban adj.: 1. of or pertaining to a non-white ethnic group.; 2. characterized by violence, poverty, irrationality, ignorance and sexual depravity; barbarian.; 3. (Social Sciences:) of or pertaining to a city or similar human community.

Urban, akin to urbane, formerly had primary meanings almost diametrically opposed to the current ones. In the United States the qualities formerly associated with urban have been mostly transferred, over the course of the migration trend known as "white flight," to the word suburban, while qualities formerly associated with the rural South (see definition 2) are now applied to the principal cities. Not that we're racist or anything.

V

virtue n.: 1. a characteristic behavior that earns praise rather than blame from adults: The Book of Virtues.; 2. a behavior that upholds the status quo.; 3. the condition of having been killed while serving in the United States armed forces.

The seven contemporary cardinal virtues:

efficiency
overwork
wealth
name recognition
sexiness
luck
American birth.

S ee also sin.

W

war crimes n.: the offense of antagonizing a superpower.

Note on syntax: As a legal term with no permanent meaning, war crimes is something of a paradox. Because its definition is subjective and mutable, it is classed as an irregular abstract noun with the declension of a plural noun.

Washington pr.n.: 1. The seat of government of the American Empire.; 2. By extension, the bureaucracy headquartered in Washington.; 3. The insulated culture of U.S. imperial governance, centered at Washington, but also dominant in northern Virginia, southern Maryland, Baltimore, and at numerous universities and military installations in the United States and abroad.

See also Hollywood.

welfare n.: 1. a political scheme by which working people are persuaded that hard-earned wealth has been stolen from them by bureaucrats and given to the undeserving.; 2. an anachronistic word, now widely held to be meaningless, occurring in the Preamble to the United States Constitution.

Last updated on March 3, 2005