They sat around the library table, lost in their own activity. The inching fingers of Xander towards his lover moved slowly: but soon Angelus grew bored of the foreplay and grabbed them himself. The boy grinned, happy with the caress of his hand, happy that the cold flesh caressing it belonged to Angelus. Suddenly, the feel of warm hands rubbing his shoulders caused him to look up: the sight of Giles forced the grin even wider.

Xander had a happy.

Faith and Buffy snuggled, oblivious of the others around them, wrapped up in their own frenzied groping. The Slayers, and their obvious prowess explored each others’ bodies with the practiced hands of professionals.

And in their own world, the hacker and the Billy Idol-esque vampire petted furiously.

“Ahem!”

They all looked up, startled out of their own personal orgies, at the rather tall, rather impatient looking young woman.

“I gathered you here for a purpose, people, not to make out like high school students.”

“But... we are...” Willow was silenced with a flick of the strange lady’s hand.

“Look. I’ve just survived a hellmouth of a week of midterms and papers. And I want fic. I want to write fic. But I have no energy.”

She paced around the room, face all scrunched up.

“So entertain me. Now. Now I say!”

She sat, growling minutely, eyes focused on the assembled couples (trios?) before her. And with one motion, she summoned the Mystical Monkeys. Who provided her with some monkey crack.

Which she smoked wholeheartedly...

They looked at each other uncertainly, wondering just who this crazy broad was, sitting before them. She giggled to herself, in her own land of weirdness, as the Scooby Gangers and miscellaneous others looked on in amazement.

But then, like a bolt of really screwy lightning, she whipped her head up.

“Angelus. Xander. Giles. Front and center, dearies.”

Xander moved quickly, with the precision of that army guy he knew was hidden within. Giles moved slower, cautiously, quite aware that this woman must be mad.

And he wasn’t wrong.

Angelus moved onto the defensive, vamping out with flair.

“Now now, vampire buddy, none of that. Just be your normal self, and come HERE.”

The three in front of her, she waved her hand like a dowager queen.

“Well, come on... go at it, boys.”

They looked at each other, perplexed.

“Sex!”

Point well taken.

Nervous at first, the three began to find a rhythm. Giles dropped to his knees in front of Xander, carressing his cock gently, softly, lips moving over it in a slow rhythm. Angelus came in from behind, grasping Xander’s shoulder, preparing to move into his rear slowly, firmly.

But the psycho lady wouldn’t stand for that.

“Fast! Hard! NOW!”

Frightened by the gleam in her eye, Angelus thrust hard and deep. Xander squealed, the smooth sensations from the front countered by the searing painpleasure from the behind. The three rocked together, thrusting, bouncing, dripping with sweat. But before any sort of explosion could be had, SHE had to speak up again.

“Bored. Away, folks.”

The look of amazement on all of their faces was audible.

“Finish somewhere else. I want something new.”

So they hobbled off, stapled together, still sucking and thrusting as they moved to the side.

“Buffy... Faith... come here, my lovelies...”

She cackled, watching as the two Slayers moved defensively forward. Buffy’s face was controlled, supressing whatever might have lain underneath. Faith, however, was flushed with anger, as the two unbuttoned... buttons... on her shirt revealed.

“You think you get sex? Hah!”

She danced around without even moving, laughter rising.

“I want you two to fight! Cool fights! Like in ‘Revelations’!”

Buffy and Faith looked at each other blankly. “Revelations?” Buffy asked. “Um, what kind of crack are you on, lady?”

“The best!” And with another hit off the crack pipe, she laughed. “Monkey freakin’ crack. Now fight! And make sure to do those cool flippy things you do.”

Blank stares R us.

“You know, the flippy thing... now!”

So they fought, throwing halfhearted blows, increasing intensity as they warmed to the fight. Buffy whipped around, smacking Faith in the head with a roundhousem Jackie Chan would have been proud of. Faith snarled, retaliating with a solid punch to the shoulder, knocking Buffy into the wall. They fought, heat rising, grunts growing louder as the crazy woman rocked back and forth in her chair with glee.

“Now kiss!”

With no delay, the Slayers locked lips. A passion intensified by the fighting vibe excited them, drawing them into a furious, sweaty embrace. As they sunk to the floor, growling, ripping shreds of clothes off, LooneyHead turned away, beckoning for Spike and Willow to approach the podium...

They stood before her, unflinching. Apparently the strange and unusual(like Lydia in Beetlejuice, but I digress) going-ons before had desensitized them. They didn’t think that any kind of crack induced weirdness could match what odd... oddities... had befallen the other lust ridden denizens. Man, run-on. Crack rehab doesn’t sound that bad.

“Look, luv, I’ll do what you want... but can I ask a little question?”

“Wait!! Not until thou hast done my bidding!”

The vampire and the hacker were undeniably willing.

“Do a jig! A happy jig! With bagpipes and stuff!” She thumped in her chair, filled with mirth. Spike and Willow exchanged exasperated looks. Without a word, they began to dance randomly. A bagpipe playing guy materialized in front of them(it’s my damn fic, I can do whatever I want) and began to create a merry tune. The two danced, feet moving in a piteous attempt of Riverdance, waiting for the moment when the crack fiend ordered them to have wild monkey sex.

But it never happened. They kept dancing, for hours, while the others had wild monkey sex in various library places.

Dancing.

Dancing.

Hehheh.

Finally, exhausted, the two keeled over. They glanced up, haggard, wondering who this uber witch was that had stolen their hopes and dreams away.

“Ta, folks... gotta do some other stuff. Next time you want a good time, remember to ask for Meredian...”

And then she was gone.