Title: Xander's Lament 
Author: Meredian
Email: mere_dythe@hotmail.com
Distribution: Will be on my site. If you want it, just ask.
Spoilers: Helpless.
Summary: Sequel to She's Not The Only One. Kind of an angsty G/X fic.
Rating: PG, I believe
Disclaimer: They are not mine, but Joss'. I mean no harm, or profit. 
Note: *'s indicate thought, and this is for 'Nat... 'cuz she deserves it. 

*****

He looked at Buffy, at his Slayer, at the daughter he never had. A few moments ago she was his focus; cleaning the blood off of her forehead was his goal. He loved her. It was his downfall.

No Watcher should take a Slayer for a daughter.

But he had. And that mistake was one of the best in his life.

However, none of that was remembered at the sight of the dark haired youth running away, carrying a world of misery on his face.

"Buffy?" he asked gently, seeing the fragile pain on the girl’s face.

"Hmm…?"

He brushed a blonde lock off of her forehead, pressing the cool cloth to her cut once more. "I need to leave for a few minutes…" The mute confusion on her face shook him. He hadn’t expected that. The pain was no surprise to him, but that she would feel it too…

"It’s something, a matter I must attend to. I-I have to set something right."

Something in his eyes moved her. She nodded, taking the compress from him and applying pressure. "Be careful, Giles."

With one last smile, he headed out the library doors. He was out by his car when he realized he hadn’t even remembered his coat.

*****

Xander ran blindly through the park, his eyes blurry with tears. He hunted instinctively for his happy place, the old playground. As his feet hit the tan-bark, his mind began to clear. Here was the place he and Jesse had pretended they were Luke and Darth Vader. On those old swings he had pushed Willow so hard that she fell out, bloodying her nose.

Settling down at the base of the tarnished slide, Xander settled his face into his hands. "It’s not fair. Why do these things always happen to me?" Looking at the sky, the clouded over moon, his mouth broke out into a grimace.

"Of course," he said angrily, standing up and pacing, "It always happens to Xander Harris." Gesturing wildly at nothing in particular, he scuffed his sneaker into the ground.

"Xander, the class clown. The Xand Man, always good for a mocking. Harris, the guy who never seems to get the girl."

Shaking his dark hair out of his face, he closed his eyes in defeat.

"Fall for a girl in love with a vampire. Get a crush on the class witch. Finally get a good girl, and then suddenly my best friend is the most desirable thing in the world."

Eyes flying open, he slammed his hand down on the silver monkey bars, hissing in pain..

"And now this? God Harris, if I didn’t know better, I’d think you were gay!"

"Perhaps that is because you are…"

Looking around wildly, Xander’s mouth dropped open.

"Xander," Giles said softly, walking over to the frozen Slayerette. "We need to talk."

******

The ride to the apartment had been quiet, almost deathly. Giles had remained focused on the road; Xander had remained focused on his hands. Now, in Giles’ kitchen, waiting for tea, the teen’s mind was in turmoil. Each exhale sounded loud and clear, filling his ears with a tornado of whooshes and whirs. The pounding of his heart touched his lobes with warmth. His thighs were mush. Each secret peek at the former Watcher, preparing the tea, spread a warm sensation down his back.

Xander was in a well of confusion.

He didn’t know why he was sitting here. He didn’t know why Giles had come for him.

"Xander, I brought you here because we need to talk." The librarian walked over to the table, setting the tray on the counter. As he poured the steamy fluid, Xander’s eyes followed the movement of his well trained hands.

"I’m not gay."

"I consider myself your friend. Friends tell each other the truth." Giles cleared his throat. "You are gay."

"No… I can’t be…" Xander’s lips quivered as his eyes traced the line of Giles’ chin.

"Would it surprise you to learn that I myself am bisexual?"

The shock on Xander’s face was almost audible.

Giles set his tea cup on the oak table, staring momentarily into the glossy surface. The scent of cinnamon wafted gently into Xander’s nose, clear and bright in the wake of his surprise.

"When I was younger… Ethan… I, I was rebellious. It caused me to experiment. I grew to like the variety." As Giles gazed fondly into his reminiscence, Xander practically drooled with pain. The set of the librarian’s jaw drove him mad with want.

"But then I became a Watcher, and that part of myself was hidden. It’s been years since I’ve touched a man in ecstasy."

"But, Ms. Calendar…"

"I loved Jenny. She was, for once, salvation. I felt whole, instead of the half me that was Rupert. Jenny filled the void Ripper left behind… and then she was gone." As their eyes met, Xander winced inwardly at the pain behind the glasses.

"But the emptiness never truly returned. It took me so long to discover why. And then I saw pain on your face, and knew."

"I-" Giles placed a gentle finger on Xander’s lips, cutting him off.

"You make me whole."

As he removed his finger, Xander’s lips remained in the ‘I’ shape, frozen.

"You are the goodness in Ripper, the rebelliousness, yet untainted by hatred. You fulfill the part of me I left behind when I assumed the title of ‘Watcher.’"

Xander couldn’t speak. His heart leapt to a level fifteen stories above his body, but his lips would not move.

"I love you, Xander."

He leaned forward, brushing the boy’s lips softly with his own. Xander’s eyes fell closed, the vaguely salty taste of Giles’ lips filling his taste buds, his mouth, his existence.

"I… always will…"

The inexplicable sadness in Giles’ voice caused Xander to start.

"Giles… Rupert…" The sound of his name on his lips seemed right to Xander. Perfect. Yet a dull tone of dread rang in his chest. "I thought you wanted… I love…"

Gathering his reserve, Xander looked directly into Giles’ eyes. "I love you."

"I’m glad. Now Xander, I want you to do me a favor…" Giles held Xander’s hands tightly, his gaze firm.

"Anything…"

"Leave this house, and never come back. When you see me otherwise, be it as friends, only friends."

Xander’s world shattered.