Bad Eggs

Mr. Whitmore: "Now how many of us have lost countless productive hours plagued by, uh, unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings?"
Xander: "Yes. Mm-hmm."
Mr. Whitmore: "Uh, that was a rhetorical question, Mr. Harris, not a poll."

Buffy: "As far as punishments go, this is fairly abstract."
Willow: "No, it's your baby!"
Buffy: "'Kay, I get it even less."

Xander: "You gotta' keep it safe and teach it Christian values."
Willow: "My egg is Jewish."
Xander: "Okay, teach it that Dreidel song."

Buffy: "I can't take care of things! I killed my Giga Pet. Literally. I sat on it and it broke."

Xander: "You know, the only thing that stresses me is when do we tell them they're adopted?"

Buffy: "I'm a single mother?"
Xander: "No man of her own."
Buffy: "Do you know what this says about me? That I'm doomed to lead my mother's life. How deeply scary is that?"

Giles: "They made their reputation by massacreing an entire Mexican village in 1886."
Buffy: "Friendly little demons."
Giles: "It was before they became vampires."

Angel: "I'll hunt."
Buffy: "Really? You'd do that?"
Angel: "Not like I have an early day tomorrow."

Buffy: "I figured there were all sorts of things vampires can't do. You know, like...work for the telephone company, or volunteer for the Red Cross, or...have little vampires."

Buffy: "I had a bad dream?"
Joyce: "Oh no, you're about to have a bad dream. A dream that you are grounded for the rest of your natural life."

Cordelia: "Hey! I'll have you know that my father brought this bear back from Gstaad years ago. Then all of a sudden, these trendoids everywhere started sporting it, so I'm totally not wearing it. Then I thought, 'Hey! I'm the one who started this nationwide craze. What am I ashamed of?'"
Buffy: "Okay, Soliloquy Girl. I just wanted to ask you about your egg."

Cordelia: "It's an egg, Buffy. It doesn't emote."

Cordelia: "Shanice! Is that your real hair?"

Giles: "How did the, um, hunt go last night, Buffy?"
Buffy: "No go."
Giles: "Uh, no-no you didn't go, or-or-or you were unsuccessful?"

Xander: "Apparently, Buffy has decided the problem with the English language is all those pesky words. You. Angel. Big. Smoochies?"
Buffy: "Shut. Up."

Willow: "It didn't break! How come it didn't break?"
Xander: "Which is another secret to conscientious egg care: pot of scalding water and about eight minutes."
Willow: "You boiled your young?"
Xander: "Yeah, I know it sounds cruel, but sometimes you gotta' be cruel to be kind. I mean, you can bet that little Xander here is thick-skinned now."

Joyce: "It's an outfit. An outfit that you may never buy."
Buffy: "But...I looked good in it."
Joyce: "You looked like a streetwalker."
Buffy: "But a thin streetwalker."
Joyce: "..."
Buffy: "That's probably not gonna' be the winning argument, is it?"

Joyce: "You're just too young to wear that."
Buffy: "Yeah, and I'm gonna' be too young to wear it 'til I'm too old to wear it."
Joyce: "That's the idea."

Buffy: "Everyday Woman?"
Joyce: "Mm-hmm. There's the receipt."
Buffy: "Why didn't you just go to Muumuus 'R' Us?"
Joyce: "Do now, make fun of your mother later."

Lyle: "Well ain't you just got the prettiest little neck I ever did see."
Buffy: "Boy, you guys really never come up with any new lines, do you?"

Buffy: "But you promised you'd never cheat on me again, honey."

Lyle: "This ain't over."
Buffy: "Oh sure. They say they'll call."

Buffy: "Oh bliss. Mall food."

Joyce: "Let me guess. You were distracted by a boy."
Buffy: "Technically."

Joyce: "Honestly, don't you ever think about anything besides boys and clothes?"
Buffy: "Saving the world from vampires?"

Giles: "Technically, that would be cheating, yes?"
Xander: "No. It's like a shortcut. You know, when you run a race?"
Buffy: "That would also be cheating."

Giles: "I suppose there is a sort of Machiavellian ingenuity to your transgression."
Xander: "I resent that!"
Giles: "..."
Xander: "Or possibly thank you."

Cordelia: "Well, his body could fall out of a closet...somewhere, so we should check some closets to see if he's in...a closet."
Xander: "You're right. There could be a closet. Let's go."

Willow: "Are they getting weirder? You notice the weirdness of them?"
Buffy: "They're weird."

Willow: "Angel's helping you, right?"
Buffy: "He does what he can."

Buffy: "As much as I hate to say this, we should really go kill bad guys."

Xander: "'Nuff said. I propose Buffy slays 'em. All in favor?"
Willow: "Aye!"

Buffy: "You know, this isn't hunting in the classical sense."

Tector: "Well, how come she ain't slaying? And how come he's about to make me blush?"

Tector: "I'm tired of rat. How come we can't stay in a nice place. A motel or something? Maybe, um, maybe one with an ice machine?"

Tector: "I just don't like it here. Ain't a decent whore in the whole city limits."

Lyle: "Alright, I'm gonna' beat you like a redheaded stepchild. Throw your ass out in that sunlight. Come on!"

Joyce: "Are you sure your egg is secure in that?"
Buffy: "Did I ask for back seat mommying?"

Buffy: "I didn't sleep well."
Joyce: "What's the matter? Your egg keep you up all night?"
Buffy: "You're killing me. Parenting's a pain."
Joyce: "Wait 'til it starts dating."

Willow: "Teen Health got canceled."
Xander: "Mr. Whitmore's out. Couldn't find an eggsitter or something."

Xander: "Can I just say, 'Gyughhh!!!'?"
Buffy: "I see your 'Gyughhh' and raise you a 'Nyaghhh!!!'"

Xander: "Mmm. Cardboardy! Sorry, Junior, but a man's gotta' eat."

Buffy: "You know, I always say that a day without an autopsy is like a day without sunshine."

Mr. Whitmore: "With all sorts of hormones surging through your bodies, compelling you to action, it's often difficult to remember that are negative consequences to having sex. Would anyone care to offer one such consequence?"
Cordelia: "Well, that depends. Are you talking about sex in the car or out of the car, because I have a friend -- not me -- that was in a Miata and parked at the top of a hill, and she kicked the gear shift, and..."

Xander: "You wanna' talk negative consequence, what about the heartbreak of halitosis? I mean, a girl may seem spiffy, but if she ignores her flossing, the bloom is definitely off the rose."

Cordelia: "Like that compares to kissing a guy who thinks the Hoover technique is a big turn-on."

Xander: "What about having the feign interest in her vapid little chit-chat just so you could get some touch?"

Xander: "Hey! Ha ha ha, I know we just met, but isn't that Xander Jr. you're holding?"

Buffy: "Did Mr. Whitmore notice I was tardy?"
Xander: "I think the word you're searching for is 'absent'."
Willow: "Tardy people show."

Cordelia: "What is it?"
Xander: "We don't know what it is, Cordelia. That's why we're here. Capisce?"
Cordelia: "'Capisce'? What are you, world traveler now?"

Xander: "So, okay. Get started, Buffy. Dissect it or something."
Buffy: "Me? Why do I have to dissect it?"
Xander: "Uh, because you're the Slayer?"
Buffy: "And I slayed. My work here is done."
Xander: "Oh, no, I almost ate one of these things. I think I fulfilled my gross-out quota for the decade."

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