Ted

Buffy: "Any others?"
Giles: "Well, for their sakes, I certainly hope not."
Buffy: "What? Kill vampires. It's my job."
Giles: "Well, true, true, although you don't usually beat them into quite such a bloody pulp beforehand."

Buffy: "Vampires are creeps."
Giles: "Yes, that's why we slay them."
Buffy: "I mean, people are perfectly happy getting along, and then vampires come, and they run around and they kill people and they take over your whole house, they start making these stupid little mini-pizzas and everyone's like, "Oh, look, a mini-pizza!" but I'm telling you, I am--"
Giles: "Uh, uh, Buffy. I believe the subtext here is rapidly becoming, uh...text."

Buffy: "Vampires. Here, vampires."

Ted: "So, from now on, you'll do what I say when I say, or I show this to your mother, then you'll spend your best dating years behind the wall of a mental institution."

Xander: "What was he? A demon, a giant bug, some kind of dark god with the secrets of Nouvelle cuisine. I mean, we are talking creature feature here, right?"

Xander: "Look, Buffy, I don't know what happened exactly, but I do know you, and I know you would never hurt anyone intentionally. Well, you know, unless--"
Buffy: "Unless...they were dating my mother?"

Xander: "Man, this is killing me! That bastard was up to something, I know it. If I could just get my hands on him...earlier this week."
Cordelia: "I thought you liked him."
Xander: "I sometimes like things that are not good for me."

Xander: "He's gotta' be in there, Will. Uh, history of domestic violence, a criminal record--ooh, cookies!"

Cordelia: "I don't get it. Buffy's the Slayer, shouldn't she have--"
Xander: "What, a license to kill?"
Cordelia: "Well, not for fun, but she's like this Superman. Shouldn't there be different rules for her?"
Willow: "Sure, in a fascist society."
Cordelia: "Right! Why can't we have one of those?"

Buffy: "Seeing my mother frenching a guy is definitely a ticket to Therapy Land."

Ted: "Buffy, do you like miniature golf?"
Xander: "Who doesn't?!?!"

Buffy: "You know what? We-we would love to, honestly, but, um, unfortunately we have that thing on Saturday."
Willow: "Oh, that thing. That thing."
Xander: "Hey, we can do that thing any time. I'm tired of doing that thing. We're on."

Ms. Calendar: "Pretty flimsy excuse for coming by to see me."
Giles: "You should have heard the ones I threw out."

Ms. Calendar: "I stayed out of mortal danger for three whole weeks. I could get used to it."

Buffy: "So Mom's like, "Do you think Ted will like this?" and "This is Ted's favorite show," and "Ted's teaching me computers," and "Ted said the funniest thing," and I'm like, "That's really great, Mom," and then she said I was being sarcastic, which I was, but I'm sorry if I don't talk about Ted all the time."
Angel: "So you're gonna' talk about something else at some point?"

Angel: "Kiss me."
Buffy: "Finally, something I wanna' do."

Xander: "Ah, the dreaded five par cuckoo clock. Ha! So many have come, so few have conquered."

Joyce: "You know how rare it is to find a man that cooks?"
Ted: "I know I've been looking a long time for one."

Ted: "So Buffy, I bet the boys are lined up around the block trying to get a date with you."
Buffy: "Not really."
Willow: "Oh, they are! But she's only interested in...uh, her studies! Book-Cracker Buffy. It's...kind of her nick name!"

Giles: "She's taken a human life. The guilt, it's-it's-it's pretty hard to bear. It won't go away soon."
Cordelia: "I guess you should know since you helped raise that demon that killed that guy that time."
Giles: "Yes, do let's bring that up as often as possible."

Buffy: "Find out his secrets. Hack into his life."
Xander: "Can you say 'overreaction'?"
Buffy: "Can you say 'sucking chest wound'?"

Xander: "So he's a little uptight. Last I heard, that's not a slaying offense."

Xander: "Hey, Cordy! Nice outfit!"
Cordelia: "Oh, very funny."
Xander: "Not really."
Cordelia: "What are you saying?"
Xander: "Nice outfit?"
Cordelia: "Well, why don't you just keep your mouth shut?"

Xander: "Look, I'm not gonna' tell, they're not gonna' know. Not your friends, not my friends. You wanna' go to the utility closet and make out?"
Cordelia: "God, is that all you ever think about?" <pause> "Okay."

Buffy: "And Mom's been totally different since he's around."
Willow: "Different, like happy?"
Buffy: "Like Stepford."

Neal: "You're new, aren't ya'?"
Buffy: "Oh..."
Neal: "I'm Neal."
Buffy: "I'm Bu--linda. Belinda. I'm just temping for the day."

Xander: "Who was the real power? The Captain, or Tennille?"
Buffy: "Um, who are these people?"
Xander: "The Captain and Tennille? Boy, somebody was raised in a culture-free environment."

Buffy: "I was just--"
Willow: "Thinkin'?"
Buffy: "No. Not thinking. Having a lot of happy non-thoughts."

Xander: "Yeah, with Spike and Drusilla out of the way, we've really been riding the mellow...and I am really jinxing the hell out of us by saying that."

Xander: "How is Angel? Pretend I care?"
Buffy: "Getting better."
Willow: "And you're loving playing nursemaid?"
Buffy: "Oh yeah!"
Xander: "So, is it better than playing naughty stewardess?"

Willow: "Yeah, but who can afford the upgrades?"
Ted: "You can! I get the demos for free. I don't see why I shouldn't give 'em to you for the same price, any friend of Buffy's."
Willow: "[sound]"
Ted: "What?"
Xander: "Oh, that's a sound she makes when she's speechless with geeker joy."

Buffy: "Well, it's official. This day can't get any worse."
Ted: "Beg to differ."

Buffy: "You died."
Ted: "That's right, little lady, you killed me. Do we have something to say about that? Are we sorry?"

Buffy: "What are you?"
Ted: "I'm a salesman! That's what you should have remembered. No matter how you put him down...a good salesman always bounces back."

Cordelia: "I'll take the back."
Xander: "Check for cookies."
Willow: "..."
Xander: "For evidence."

Willow: "So far, I've counted four marriage certificates."
Xander: "Any divorce papers?"
Willow: "Not a one."
Xander: "So either our boy was a Mormon, or--"
Willow: "Whoa, whoa, 1957! Ted must have married young, like pre-school young."

Buffy: "Think there'll be any more? I can wait."

Buffy: "If you say one more word, things will become dire."

Xander: "Ted is the master chef."
Buffy: "Fine, so he's a good cook. What does that really tell you about a person?"
Xander: "Everything."

Buffy: "I mean, so far, all I see is someone who apparently has a good job, seems nice and polite, and my mother really likes him."
Xander: "What kind of a monster is he?"
Buffy: "I'm just saying there's something a little too clean about this clown."
Willow: <giggles> "It's a clean clown! I have...my...own fun."

Xander: "Having issues much?"
Buffy: "I am not!"
Xander: "You're having parental issues. You're having parental issues."
Willow: "Xander."
Xander: "What? Freud would have said the exact same thing...except he might not have done that little dance."

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