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Update on Lindsay Davenport: McDonald's recently signed her to be on the cover of the children's Happy Meal box. The Happy Meal gradually turneded into a jumbo, super-sized value meal in attempts to accommodate her Big Mac addicted fat ass. Realizing that children shouldn't assume such quantities of food McDonald's eventually abandoned the project and named their new seven layer burger after her. Maybe you've heard of it, the Davenport--yes you can have one too many Big Mac's you little heifer--Sizzler.
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**here's a touching personal story they shared with me, definitely newsworthy**
Emily and I went on a white-water rafting trip this weekend in southern WV. While raging the rapids like champs we hit a nasty hydraulic (I don't really know what that is, I just wanted to sound competent) and Em and I were thrown from our raft. Our guide and crew were swept away and we managed to spit, sputter, and doggy- paddle to the shore. Equipped with a compass, dental floss, aluminum foil, and bubble gum we made our own homing device (MacGyver watch out!). We proceeded to find our way back to camp like two strong mountain chicks--nothing could be further from the truth--and ran into two huge woodticks high on life and moonshine! They tied us up and made us squeal like pigs and kick like donkeys!!! We were terrified, and as a last resort we started talkin' redneck--who knew it would save our lives?? Good thing we have hillbilly blood runing through our veins. They began bein' real friendly-like and told us how much they wanted to find rugged mountain women--they liked 'em hairy, none of that shavin' stuff. As we desperately searched for the names of any beasty women we knew a lightbulb flashed!! We gave them Petey's address and told them to head over yonder. We said she'd be the furry one with a sensitive stomach bouncing a funny little yellow ball. They thanked us kindly, gave us a homemade turkey call and sent us on our way. It was a close call, but we made it! DELIVERANCE: not just a movie, but a fact of life!!
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News on Marcello Rios: 
Rios was originally scheduled to do the catchy
Taco Bell commercials featuring the chihuahua that says "Yo quiero Taco Bell".
They had Rios on tape when they realized Skippy the Chihuahua was cuter and
less arrogant. They let Rios go and signed Skippy immediately. Recently Rios
went back to the folks at Taco Bell to try and get the cushy commercial gig
back. He insulted poor little Skippy and tried to kill him. Skippy chomped
into Rios and sent him packin'. Rios recently withdrew from the Monte Carlo
open due to an elbow injury--an injury inflicted by Skippy. I guess it's hard
to admitt that a chihuahua kicked your ass! At a press conference later,
Skippy revealed that he was really an Australian Chihuahua spy sent out to
infiltrate the tennis rankings to make way for the hottest ass in tennis,
Patrick Rafter, to be number one! Go Skippy! I guess he showed that cocky
son of a bitch who's really number one.
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Breaking news in Italy: The hot men from Australia, Pat Rafter and Mark Philippoussis, had an interesting encounter with their fellow Aussie mate Lleyton Hewitt. The elder Aussies decided to take young Lleyton out for a night on the town. They figured it was time the boy wonder learned to knock back the brews like a rugged Aussie man. Lleyton kept up suprisingly well through the first eleven beers (those Aussie drinkin' being what they are), but that twelfth one wasn't so kind. Mark and Pat had gone to the bar for another round, figuring that it was no fun for them unless they made him puke, but when they returned the young bloke was nowhere to be found! They searched everywhere for the kid, but all to no avail. They checked the hotel and were about to go out and search again, but they took one look at the comfey beds and decided a nap would make their search more productive--at least they weren't with chicks! They awoke the next morning to see Lleyton coming through the door strugglin' but smilin'. When asked where he was Lleyton replied with "Mate, two hookers picked me up, it's really all kinda' foggy but I know we had a good time!" So Lleyton proceeded to boast about his first sexual experience and great it was. Later, at the tournament, Lleyton was in the lockeroom when the Woodies came in. The Woodies grabbed Lleyton's little bum, blew him a couple kisses, and said "I can't wait for another night like last night you sweet thing!" Lleyton went from proud teenage stud to victim of homosexual lovin' in a matter of seconds. He freaked out and started speaking strange tongues, and dropped to the floor in convulsions. Lleyton is currently undergoing a psychiatric evaluation to determine if he can ever lead a normal life again. The Woodies still deny that they are homosexual, but their nifty new tennis skirts tell a different story!
All the hype concerning Kournikova, the Russian Barbie doll, was just too much for the women on the WTA tour to take. Special- K's arrogant beauty-queen attitude had been the cause of serious tension, but she escaped face to face conflict until she headed into Germany. She has been quoted as telling ball boys that want to go out with her that they couldn't afford her, but she still struts around in her dental-floss sized skirts making them sweat. After her victory over Martina Hingis she once again flaunted herself like she was queen bee. Martina had about all she could take and flung a tennis ball right at Kournikova's face! Hingis might be an unattractive little thing hit hard by the ugly stick, but she has a hell of an arm!! Anna's face was all messed up and she was hysterical. Then the Williams sisters joined in on the action and wacked Anna with their beaded heads--that wack was clocked at 112mph! Kournikova fell onto her little ass with quite a thud! She looked real pretty with a huge shnoz and swolen rear. I guess she'll have to resort to dating those young ball boys who love her so much. After all, they're a lot closer to her age than that pedophile hockey player she's so chummy with! He's 27 and she's 16--c'mon, she's jail bait!! Well, it appears that Special-K isn't so special after all! Moral of the story: it's bad enough to be arrogant about your looks, especially in the world of women's tennis--you're asking for trouble there!
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That's all for now folks, stayed tuned for more news with EMILY & KELSEY! :-)
