Here's a great new one I got from Gret, I'm tellin' ya, all us Petey bashers are SO creative! *lol*
"The Dept. of Parks and Forests have just declared Petey's chest hair a breeding ground for the Spotted Owl."
*lmao, good one Gret!*
FROM CBS SPORTSLINE: REUTERS ARTICLE
American tennis player Pete Sampras was arrested today and charged of involuntary manslaughter. During a changeover in the third set of his Paris Open final against Russia's Yevgeny Kafelnikov, Mr. Sampras removed his shirt and inadvertently strangled a ball boy with his protruding chest hair.
FROM THE NEW YORK TIMES: BREAKING NEWS STORY
#1 tennis player Pete Sampras was admitted to the Mt. Sinai hospital today after falling into the gorilla cage at the local zoo. His condition is now listed as critical. Expert zoo keepers claim that Sampras would have been fine had it not been mating season for the Apes. A 560 lb female mountain gorilla, sensing Mr. Sampras' chest hair, mistook him for one of her own species and attempted to mate with Sampras, crushing both legs and cracking four ribs in the process. We will keep the public updated on Mr. Sampras' condition.
SAMPRAS MEDICAL UPDATE:
#1 tennis player Pete Sampras of America has been released from the ICU after nearly being to crushed to death only a week ago by a Rwanda Mountain Gorilla. He has been moved to a private room and is currently undergoing further examination by doctors and specialists.
FROM THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER: LATEST SAMPRAS MEDICAL NEWS
Our sources say that American tennis player Pete Sampras has been impregnated by a mountain gorilla. After a freak accident at the San Diego Zoo last week, where an ape attempted to mate with the #1 ranked player, Mr. Sampras was admitted to the hospital where he had undergone numerous tests. Medical experts have previously claimed that cross-species mating was virtually impossible now say that "it is a medical breakthrough. No one has ever successfully managed to cross breed, but apparently, it can and has been done. The only explanation we can come up with is that Mr. Sampras must have been carrying the mountain gorilla gene, long before he became impregnated with the ape-child." DNA tests are unconfirmed, however, Mr. Sampras is expected to deliver in late June or early August of next year.
FROM THE CHICAGO TRIBUNE: SAMPRAS BEGINS CHARITY WORK
#1 ranked tennis player Pete Sampras has announced today that due to his leg injury, he will be unable to compete in January's Australian Open. Instead, he will use his spare time to crochet afghans for the entire nation of Ethiopia using only excess chest hair. When asked what inspired him to commit himself to this humble project, Sampras replied, "I feel that the community has provided me with so much, and I feel that I should give something back to the global community. Because I am so well endowed with furry chest hair, and the poor starving children of third world nations are without warmth and comfort during the long cold nights, I feel it necessary to crochet one huge afghan to encompass the entire nation of Ethiopia, using ONLY excess chest hair."
FROM ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY ARTICLE:
Kimberly Williams announced today that she and #1 tennis player Pete Sampras are calling it quits. The following are transcripts from her interview with Entertainment Weekly:
EW--Kim, tell us, why have you decided to leave Pete Sampras, at the height of his career?
KW--You know, I only dated him in the first place for the insulation and warmth his thick mat of chest hair provided me in the cold cold winter months. Now that he's shaved it all off to crochet afghans for the children of third world nations, there's really no point in me seeing him any longer.
EW--But aren't you in awe of his humanitarian efforts and charity work?
KW--Who cares about that? He's a hairy fruitcake!
TENNIS CHAT SITE ADMINISTRATOR: Do NOT attempt to download any pics of Pete Sampras. Doing so may seriously harm your system and Petey's chest hair could possibly clog the lines, causing entire networks to freeze. However, if you require a photo of Ape Boy for voodoo purposes or general abuse (i.e. as a dartboard), please contact Petey's fan club at this number: 1-800-VOMIT-BOY.
SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Posting pics of Petey Sampras either on homepages or anywhere else on the net can cause severe damage to your health. Cases of nausea, stomach upset, and even temporal blindness have been reported. Again, DO NOT attempt to display any pics of Ape Boy on any sites, without posting this warning in advance.
FROM TENNIS MAGAZINE ARTICLE:
This has certainly
been a roller-coaster year for #1 tennis player, Pete Sampras. The media has reported news of his
manslaughter trial, alleged ape impregnation, break-up with Kimberly Williams, and humanitarian activities.
But is Pete Sampras truly number 1? The question has plagued the minds of many.
The only true answer this reporter can come up with is: Yes, Ape Boy Sampras is truly
#1. After all, how many other players on the tour can continue to win match after match while
vomiting, crying, bleeding, sweating profusely from the groin area, growing chest hair at
40 times the rate of a normal human being, and with blocked periphreal vision due to extra
bushy eyebrows? The answer is none; Pete Sampras is truly a man of many talents.
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I know it's horrible of me to take pleasure in other's misfortune, but the news of Petey's
leg injury was the best I've heard in a while, 'cause it frees up the field for my Jimmy or Pat
to win the Aussie Open!
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Pete's bleeding! hehehe. Now all I need is a pic of him vomiting....
Top Ten Reasons To Hate Petey Sampras
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