SCENE XV - MAKE-OVER AT CHER'S HOUSE
"Supermodel" Jill Sobule
(Various scenes of Cher and Dionne making over Tai, then Cher and Tai working out in the lounge room)
CHER
Squeeze in.
TAI
Cher, I don't wanna do this any more, and my buns, they don't feel nothin' like steel.
CHER
OK, it will get easier, I promise. Just as long as we do it every day. Not just sporadically.
TAI
How do you know if we're doing it sporadically?
CHER
That's another thing, Tai. We've got to work on your accent and vocabulary. See, sporadic means once in a while. Try using it in a sentence today.
TAI
Alright.
CHER
OK, from now on we're alternating Cindy Crawford's "Aerobicise" and "Buns of Steel", and reading one non-school book a week. My first book is "Fit or Fat".
TAI
Mine is "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus".
CHER
Good. Now that takes care of our minds and bodies, but we should do something good for mankind or the planet for a couple of hours.
(Josh walks in)
JOSH
Hey, brainiac.
CHER
Uh, the dreaded ex. Tai, this is Josh.
JOSH
Nice to meet ya.
CHER 
Hey! You know about this stuff. I want to do something good for humanity.
JOSH
How about sterilization?
(Tai cracks up. Cher and Josh enter the kitchen)
CHER
What do ya think?
JOSH
I'm amazed.
CHER
That I'm devoting myself so generously to someone else?
JOSH
No, that you've found someone ever more clueless than you are to worship you.
CHER
I am rescuing her from teenage hell. Do you know the wounds from adolescence can take years to heal?
JOSH
Yeah, and you've never had a mother so you're acting out on that poor girl as if she were your Barbie doll.
CHER
Freshman psych rears it's ugly head
JOSH
Hey, I am not taking psych.
CHER
Whatever. I am going to take that lost soul in there and make her well-dressed and popular. Her life will be better because of me. How many girls can say that about you?
(Josh and Cher walk back to the lounge where Tai is watching T.V. and singing along with the "Mentos" ad. God I hate those ads!)
JOSH
Be seein' ya.
TAI
Yeah, I hope not sporadically.
SCENE XVI - SCHOOL
CHER
Oh, my God. Do you see how boys are responding? My heart is totally bursting.
DIONNE
I know. I'm convelling!
(Travis approaches)
TRAVIS
Cher, you have Timor, right?
CHER
Giest.
TRAVIS
Hey, Tai! Did you get a flyer?
TAI
Uh-uh.
TRAVIS
Here.
TAI
Thanks. Wow, a party!
CHER
It's in the Valley. The cops usually break 'em up in less than an hour, and it takes that long to get there.
DIONNE
And besides, it's just local loadies.
TAI
Do you guys think Travis is gonna be there?
DIONNE
Tai, I thought we moved on from there.
CHER
Don't sell youself short now. You've got something going for you that no one in this school has.
TAI
Oh, I'm not a virgin.
CHER
I mean mystery. As far as everyone is concerned you were the most popular girl in your school, and the fact that you hang with Dee and I, well...
DIONNE
Speaks very highly of you.
CHER
If you strike while the iron is hot, you can have any guy that you want.
TAI
Like who?
CHER
Let's see. Who's available? There's Bronson... I got it! Elton! He just broke up with Collette.
DIONNE
Oh, yes!
TAI
Who's Elton?
DIONNE
Oh, my God. He's way popular. He's like the social director of the crew.
CHER
Yeah, and his Dad can get you into any concert, and I noticed him scoping you out.
TAI
He was looking at me?
CHER
He said you gave him a toothache.
TAI
How'd I do that?
CHER
It's an expression. It means he thought you were sweet.
TAI
Yeah?
CHER
Yeah.
TAI
Wow.
DIONNE
Is that true?
CHER
No.
DIONNE
Oh, you are so bad.
(Scene moves to fountain where Cher is taking pictures of the crew)
"Alright" Supergrass
CHER
Ok, you guys, all get together. Oh, that is great. Smile! Tai, Tai, get a little closer. Closer Tai. Good, great! Hey, Elton, uh, why don't you put your arm around Tai?
ELTON
(Unwillingly) Alright!
CHER
Yeah, that's great.
(Check out Cher's little smile and rock! Awesome!)
OK. Tai, c'mere, c'mere, Tai.
(Scene moves to just Cher and Tai by bushes)
Hold that.
TAI
OK.
CHER
OK.
(Elton approaches.)
ELTON
Cool picture.
CHER
Doesn't she look classic?
ELTON
Yeah, beautiful.
CHER
She looks like one of those Bottichellis chicks.
ELTON
Hey, why don't you make me a copy of this, OK?
CHER
Sure.
(Another one of Cher's little squeals. Classic!)
SCENE XVII - CHER'S HOUSE, DINING ROOM
CHER
Hi Daddy. This is my friend, Tai.
MEL
Get out of my chair!
(Tai moves to opposite Cher. Lucy brings in dinner.)
CHER
Thank you, Lucy. It looks great.
MEL
What is this crap?
CHER
Daddy, it's from the "Cut your Colesterol" Cook book. Doctor Lovitz says you've got to get down to two hundred.
(Cher's pager beeps.)
MEL
No calls tonight.
CHER
But it's Dionne, it might...
MEL
Sorry!
CHER
It might be important.
MEL
We're going top have a nice family dinner. So, uh, what'd you do at school today?
CHER
Well... I broke in my purple clogs.
(Mel's phone rings.)
MEL
Yeah, hello? Alright, Jake. Yeah, yeah, no, no, what?
CHER
Dee? Whatup?
DIONNE
So, check it. Murray's geometry class is right by Elton's locker, and taped up inside was the picture you took of Tai.
CHER
Oh, my God.
TAI
What?
CHER
Elton's got a picture of you hanging up in his locker.
TAI
Oh, no shit!
DIONNE
Hello! So, anyway, the whole crew is going to this party in the Valley.
CHER
Bye.
(Cher hangs up the phone.)
Looks like we're going to have to make a cameo at the Val party.
MEL (in background)
I told you I want it in the morning. No!
SCENE XVIII - MURRAY'S CAR
DIONNE
Murray!
MURRAY
Just look at the top of the map. Sun Valley is north.
DIONNE
OK, no. All I see is Bel Air, OK.
MURRAY
Then you're on the wrong map.
DIONNE
I am not on the wrong map.
MURRAY
Look at the number on the top. What is the number on the top?
DIONNE
There are no numbers on the top. There's letters.
(Murray makes a frustrated noise.)
DIONNE
Murray, shut up!
CHER
Please don't friz out!
SCENE XIX - THE VAL PARTY
(The gang pull up outside the party.)
Listen Tai, when we get there make sure Elton sees you, but don't say hi first. Look like you're having fun and you're really popular. Talk to someone in his eyeline, preferably a guy. Make him come to you, and find an excuse to leave while he's still into the conversation. The key is, always have him wanting more. You got it?
TAI
I got it.
CHER
OK.
TRAVIS
Heads up!
(Does a rail slide with his skateboard on the stair-rail.)
TAI
Oh, did you just see that?!
CHER
Oh, God. Skateboards, that is like, so five years ago.
TRAVIS
Oh, you guys came! That's great! You want a beer? I'll get you one.
CHER (to Tai)
No.
(The girls enter the party house.)
"Unknown song and artist"
TAI
This is ragin'.
CHER
Let's do a lap before we commit to a location.
(Dionne drags a dancing girl away from Murray.)
DIONNE
Who was that?!
TAI
Cher, ain't that the same dress that you was wearin' yesterday?
CHER
Say, Ambular?
AMBER
Hi.
CHER
Was that you going through my laundry?
AMBER
As if. Like I would really wear something from Judy's.
CHER
Do you prefer fashion victim or ensembly challenged?
(Amber walks off.)
AMBER
Uh!
CHER
What a clone.
TAI
Cher, you looked much better in that dress than she did.
(Travis bursts onto the scene spilling drink on Cher's shoes.)
CHER
Uh! Ruin my satin shoes, why don't you?!
TRAVIS
I'm sorry.
(They move to the kitchen.)
CHER
Excuse me, my shoes! Uh! This is so not fixable.
TRAVIS
It's a small price to pay to the party gods. Look, I'll make a mends. How about some chronic shit?
CHER
Oh, it's the least you could do.
TAI
Spark it.
CHER
Hey, Elton's over there. Act like Tavis is saying something funny.
(Tai hands joint to Cher and blows smoke in her face.)
TAI
Sorry.
(Tai starts cracking up.)
TRAVIS
What's so funny?
TAI
Nothing.
(Elton approaches and reaches behind Cher for the joint)
CHER
Oh, here.
(Summer enters holding a card)
SUMMER
Hey, everyone! Let's play suck and blow.
(The card passes through the group until Elton drops it (on purpose) and plants one right on Cher's mouth)
CHER
God, Elton. Can you suck?
(Dionne screams in the background)
It's Dee. C'mon!
(Scene changes to the bathroom, where Murray is getting his head shaved)
DIONNE
What have you done! Oh, my God! Uh! Why did you do this to your head?!
MURRAY
Because I'm keeping it real. Because I'm keeping it real.
DIONNE
What?!
MURRAY
'Cause I'm keeping it... 'cause I'm keeping it real.
DIONNE (to Cher)
Look! Look what he's done to his head! Can you believe this?
MURRAY
Look at Lawrence's head. Alright?
LAWRENCE
It's the bomb!
MURRAY
You know what I'm sayin'? You look good.
LAWRENCE
As will you.
DIONNE
What'd you care what he thinks, Murray? I'm the one that has to look at you. That was a big mistake. What am I going to do with you now? And right before the year book pictures? What am I going to tell my grandchildren?
MURRAY
Alright.
DIONNE
You know what? Ok, that's it.
MURRAY (mimicking)
That's it.
DIONNE
You wanna play games?
MURRAY (mimicking agin)
You wanna play games?
DIONNE
I'm calling your mother.
MURRAY
I'm... I'm ca... Oh, wait! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, wait. Don't call my Ma.
LAWRENCE
Yo, man. Chill, chill!
MURRAY
Chill?!
(Cher and Tai start walking away)
CHER
Same thing happened at the spring dance. She spent the entire after-party in the bathroom.
TAI
See, that almost destroyed by buzz.
CHER
I'm still baked.
TAI
Yeah.
(Back to the dance floor.)
"Rollin' With My Homies" Coolio
CHER
What do ya say, we go bump into people?
TAI
Yeah, I'm cool with that.
TRAVIS (from on the fireplace)
Hey, Tai! Wait up! Whooh!
(Travis jumps onto the crowd. No one keeps him up and he hits the deck.)
TAI
Are you OK?
TRAVIS (to dancers)
Where's your sense of pit hospitality?
TAI
That was so cool, the way you did that. I wish I could do it.
TRAVIS
Oh, no, don't.
TAI
Why not?
TRAVIS
Well, 'cause if girls did it, what would guys do to impress them?
TAI
I don't know, like stuff. You know?
TRAVIS
What kind of stuff?
(Cher spots Travis tuning Tai and butts in to stop it)
CHER
Tai, I need you.
TAI
OK.
CHER
Elton's over there.
(The girls start dancing. As Tai is trying to impress Elton she is it in the head by a flying Clog)
CHER
Tai! Tai, Elton, help me!
(Elton carries Tai into the kitchen and places her on the counter)
CHER
Thank you.
TRAVIS
Here, you should use ice.
CHER
No, Travis! We've got it under control.
TRAVIS
Tai, are you OK?
CHER
Travis, Tai would have wanted you to enjoy the party.
CHER
If it's a concussion, you have to keep her concious, OK? Ask her questions.
ELTON
What's seven times seven?
CHER
Stuff she knows!
(Tai sits up and hits her head on the light. What a clutz!)
ELTON
Some bump you've got there.
TAI
Yeah.
ELTON
Yeah? You ready to go back out there?
TAI
Yeah, I am.
ELTON
Alright. Are you sure? Can you do this? (Singing) Rollin' with the homies.
TAI
(Singing) Rollin' with the homies.
(Great voice.)
ELTON
Yeah, let's do it. You're ready.
(Elton and Tai go back to the dance floor.)
CHER V.O.
I had to give myself snaps for all the good deeds I was doing. It was so great. Love was everywhere. Even though I was alone, I was really happy for Tai. It's like that book I read in ninth grade that said, "'tis a far, far better thing doing stuff for other people."
(Scene changed to outside by the pool. Cher's phone rings.)
CHER
Hello?
MEL
Do you know what time it is?
CHER
A watch really doesn't go with this outfit, Daddy.
MEL
Where are you?
CHER
Uuhh, just having a snack with my girlfriends.
MEL
Where, in Kuwait?!
CHER
Is that in the Valley?
MEL
Cher, I expect you to walk in this door in twenty minutes.
CHER
Well, um, it might take longer than that, Dad.
MEL
Everywhere in L.A. takes twenty minutes.
(Cher hangs up the phone.)
(Scene changes to outside front of party house.)
CHER
Sorry to make you leave, Dionne is bucking for best dramatic actress at a Val party.
(Tai laughs.)
CHER
Hey, Summer!
SUMMER
Hi! Pretty random fiesta. Need a ride home?
CHER
That'd be great! Thanks!
ELTON
No, I got it.
SUMMER
Well, I'm right below Wilshire and Lindon.
TAI
Oh, that's right near me! I'm, um, above Olympic.
ELTON
Great! Then, Tai you'll go with Summer, and Cher you'll come with me.
CHER
Actually, you could take Wilshire to Cannon and that turns into Bennedict.
ELTON
Well, then she'd have to go back south and I'm already going north.
CHER
But, you could take Tai on your way up to Sunset. Yeah.
ELTON
That doesn't make any sense! I'd have to get off the freeway, I hate that. Tai, go with Summer, Cher, you'll come with me. Watch your feet.
(Each get into respective cars and wave each other goodbye.)
SCENE XX - ELTON'S CAR
"Away" The Cranberries
(Elton is singing along to music. Trying to be sexy, but he fails miserably, the sleazy bastard!)
CHER
Didn't Tai look cute tonight?
(Elton just sings.)
I really love her hair when it's all wild, you know? But it's also very pretty when it's all up, with that curly tendrils. Like in that picture I took.
ELTON
You know, you're one of my best friends and I do not have friends that are girls.
CHER
Well, I'm glad, because your happiness means a lot to me.
ELTON
It does?
CHER
Sure. I mean, I saw how hard your breakup with Collette was.
ELTON
Yeah. I think we both know what it feels like to be lonely.
CHER
Whatever. The thing is, is that I'd really like to see you settled already.
(Elton pulls the car into a parking lot.)
Where are we going?
(The car stops.)
ELTON
I knew it, I knew it.
(Elton makes a pass at Cher.)
CHER
Oooh, you knew what?!
ELTON
That you were totally sprung on me.
CHER
Hello?! Don't you mean Tai?
ELTON
Tai?!
CHER
You have her picture in your locker.
ELTON
I have the picture you took in my locker.
CHER
Ohh, I'm having a twin peaks experience.
ELTON
I knew it, I knew it when you kissed me.
CHER
Suck and Blow is a game, Elton!
(Elton has another go at Cher.)
Stop it!
ELTON
Fine! You know, I don't get you Cher. I mean, you flirt with me all year.
CHER
As if! I have been tryng to get you together with Tai.
ELTON
Tai?! Why would I go with Tai?
CHER
Why not?
ELTON
Why not? Why not?! Don't you even know who my father is?
CHER
You are snob and a half.
ELTON
Cher, listen to me. Me and Tai, we don't make any sense, right? Me and you, well, makes sense.
(Elton tries for Cher, yet again.)
CHER
Cut it out!
ELTON
C'mon.
CHER
Stop it!
(Cher gets out of the car.)
(Watch Cher compose herself after getting out of the car. i.e. the head movements and sound effects.)
ELTON
Cher?! Where are you going? You're only hurting yourself here, baby. C'mon, you gonna walk home? Would you get back in the car, please? Get back in the car.
CHER
Leave me alone!
ELTON
Fine!
(Elton drives away. What a prick!)
CHER
Hey, where are you going? Shit!
(Cher whips out the phone and dials)
OPERATOR
Valley information.
CHER
Yeah, do you have the number of a cab company?
OPERATOR
Which one?
CHER
I don't know which one. What do you have out here?
OPERATOR
Valley Cabs...
ROBBER
Hand it over.
(Cher squeals/moans)
Give me the phone.
(Cher complies)
Bag, too. C'mon! Alright, now, uh, get down on the ground. Face down. C'mon!
CHER
Oh, no. You don't understand, this is an Eliah.
ROBBER
An a-what-a?
CHER
It's like a totally important designer.
ROBBER
And I will totally shoot you in the head. Get down!
(Cher whimpers as she lies down on the pavement)
Alright, um, count to a hundred. Thank you.
CHER
One, two...
CHER V.O.
The evening had turned into a royal mess. Sexually harrassed, robbed. I didn't know the number of the party, so I couldn't call Dionne, and Daddy would kill me if he knew where I was. There was just one person left to call, and I really didn't want to call him.
(Cher dials up Josh's place. He's trying to get it on with his girlfriend)
JOSH
C'mon.
(Phone rings)
Hello.
CHER
Josh, you busy?
HEATHER
Who is it?
JOSH
It's Mel's daughter.
CHER
So, OK, I was at this party, and my designated driver tried to attack me, so I got out 'cause we'd stopped, and then he drove off and deserted me, and then this guy with a gun held me up, took my money, and my phone and he yelled at me and he forced me to ruin my dress.
JOSH
OK, OK, look, um. Where are you?
CHER
Sun Valley.
JOSH
Man, you owe me.
SCENE XXI - JOSH'S CAR
"The Ghost in You" Counting Crows
HEATHER
The man is ridiculous. He doesn't have one unique thought in his little, puny brain.
JOSH
I think there's some merit in learning the form straight off.
HEATHER
Oh, Josh, please. He's taken our minds at the most beckoned point, and restrained them before they've wandered through the garden of ideas. It's just like Hamlet said, "To thy own self, be true."
CHER
Ah, no, uh, Hamlet didn't say that.
HEATHER
I think that I remember Hamlet accurately.
CHER
Well, I remember Mel Gibson accurately, and he didn't say that. That Polonius guy did.
(Josh laughs and Heather gives him a dirty look)
(The car pulls up outside Heather's place. Heather gets out of the car)
JOSH
I'm gonna walk Heather to her door. Try and stay out of trouble.
(Josh runs up to Heather's door and kisses her goodnight)
CHER V.O.
Ew. My life is turning into a bigger disaster than Malibu.
SCENE XXII - CHER TELLING TAI
CHER V.O.
I didn't know what I was going to do with Tai. I felt really nervous. Even Fabion, my masseuse, said I had a lot of tension in my back.
(Scene moves to girls locker room)
TAI
It's my hips, isn't it?
DIONNE
No, of course not.
CHER
Don't be stupid, you can do so much better.
DIONNE
He thinks he's all that, Tai.
CHER
Yeah, God's gift.
DIONNE
You're too good for him.
TAI
If I'm too good for him then how come I'm not with him?
CHER
I have got an idea. Let's blow off seventh and eighth, go to the mall, have a calorie fest, and see the new Christian Slater.
TAI
Oh, you guys.
(Group hug)
(Scene changes to girls in a diner. A waiter walks past)
"My Forgotten Favorite" Velocity Girl
DIONNE
Ooh, baby.
TAI
Break me off a piece of that.
CHER
Survey says?
TAI
Doable.
DIONNE
Puny. I like 'em big.
CHER
Ooh, I hate muscles.
TAI
You know I don't really care either way. Oh, just as long as his you-know-what isn't crooked. I really hate that.
CHER
What?
DIONNE
Shh. Don't scare her.
TAI
Why? What's wrong?
DIONNE
Cher is saving herself for Luke Perry.
TAI
Cher, you're a virgin?!
CHER
God, you say that like it's a bad thing.
DIONNE
Besides, the P.C. term is hymenally challenged.
CHER
I am just not interested in doing it until I find the right person. You see how picky about my shoes and they only go on my feet.
TAI
(giggling) Yeah.
CHER
You're not one to talk, Dee.
TAI
Oh, wait a minute here! Wait. Wait, I thought that, like you and Murray, right?
DIONNE
My man is satisfied, he's got no cause for complaints, but technically, I am a virgin. You know what I mean.
("Rollin' With My Homies" comes on the radio)
TAI
Oh, God.
CHER
What's wrong, Tai?
TAI
They're playing our song. You know, the one Elton and I danced to. (Singing) Rollin' with my homies.
DIONNE
Ohh, Tai, don't cry.
TAI
I'm sorry. Oh, God.
(Tai starts crying and banging her head on the table)
DIONNE
Stop!
CHER V.O.
I could tell Tai's grieving period would be considerate unless I found someone to take Elton's place right away.
"All The Young Dudes" World Party
(Scene changes to buch of school guys walking up the path)
So, OK. I don't want to be a traitor to my generation and all, but I don't get how guys dress today. I mean, c'mon, it looks like they just fell out of bed and put on some baggy pants, and take their greasy hair, Ew! And cover it up with a backwards cap and like, we're expected to swoon? I don't think so!
SCENE XXIII - SCHOOL
CHER V.O.
Searching for a boy in high school is as useless as searching for meaning in a Pauly Shore movie.
(Christian appears in the doorway of the classroom)
(Cher starts getting all hot and heavy, (boy does she look hot!) and whispers to herself:)
CHER
Damn.
MR HALL
So, this must be the elusive Christian.
CHRISTIAN
Where should I park?
MR HALL
There's one, third back.
CHER V.O.
OK, OK. Now, I know I said I'd find a guy for Tai, but I suppose there's no harm in finding one for myself also.
(Cher accidently/on purpose drops her pen. Christian sees the cue and picks up her pen. He gets a great view of Cher's legs!)
CHRISTIAN
Nice stems.
CHER
Thanks.
MR HALL
Cher?
CHER
Present.
MR HALL
I guess we established that during attendence. It's time for your oral.
CHER
Excuse me?
MR HALL
Your original oral. The topic is violence in the media.
CHER
Oh!
(Cher approaches the podium)
So, OK, the Attorney General says there is too much violence on T.V. and that should stop. But even if you took out all the
violent shows, you could still see the news. So, until mankind is peaceful enough not to have violence on the news, there's no point in taking it out of shows that need it for entertainment value. Thank you.
(The class applaudes Cher)
MR HALL
Any comments?
(Elton raises his hand)
Elton?
ELTON
My foot hurts. Can I go to the nurse?
(Mr. Hall ignores him.)
MR HALL
Travis?
TRAVIS
Two very enthusiastic thumbs up. Fine holiday fun.
(Travis is a cool dude)
AMBER
Hello?! Was I the only one listening? I mean, I thought it reeked.
CHER
I believe that was your designer imposter perfume.
(Bell rings)
(Christian gets up and stops at Cher's desk)
CHRISTIAN
I dug it.
"Unknown song and artist" (some bloody rap song)
CHER V.O.
During the next few days I did what any normal girl would do. I sent myself love letters, and flowers, and candy, just so he'd see how desired I was, in case he didn't already know.
(Cher hands around her candy)
CHER
Christian.
CHER V.O.
And, anything you can do to draw attention to your mouth is good. Also, sometimes you have to show a little skin. This reminds guys of you naked, and then they think of sex.
CHRISTIAN
Hey, Dutchess.
CHER
Yes?
CHRISTIAN
You rashin' this weekend?
CHER
Huh?
CHRISTIAN
Like, Saturday. I'm new, but I thought maybe you had it in on the heavy clam bakes.
CHER
Well, my ex-step brother's friends are having a party.
CHRISTIAN
Solid!
.
