Dealing with hurtful relatives
Question:
This is regarding family matters and disputes. I have a maternal uncle who creates alot of trouble for my family. His wife and children have even went to the limits of taking my mother to court, and falsely bearing witness that she physically assaulted them and threatened to kill them. There are numerous things they do, but, my uncle after a few months fights with his children and comes back and asks my mother for forgiveness. She forgives him, and he starts pretending he is a maskeen. But, he continues to support his children and wife who hurt my mother numerously.
Anyway, I asked my mother, NOT to talk to him anymore. She
claims we have to forget and forgive. But, surely there are limitations. Anyway,
is it wrong to ask my mother, not to associate with him anymore. Is it wrong for
me to continue to refuse to have anything to do with him or his family. I DO NOT
wish to forget or forgive, especially, when there is no change in his behavior.
Any Advice is appreciated.
Answer:
Praise be to Allaah.
If you want to deal with him on the basis of justice, then
it is permissible for you to respond in like to his unkind words, as Allaah says
(interpretation of the meaning): “And if you punish (your enemy), then
punish them with the like of that with which you were afflicted…”
But if you bear it with patience, that will be better for
you, as Allaah says at the end of the same aayah (interpretation of the
meaning): “…But if you endure patiently, verily, it is better for al-saabireen
(the patient ones).” [al-Nahl 16:126]
If you want to turn enmity into love, then treat him well,
if he treats you badly, as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “The
good deed and the evil deed cannot be equal. Repel (the evil) with one which is
better, then verily! He between whom and you there was enmity, (will become) as
though he was a close friend.” [Fussilat 41:34]
The words, “The good deed and the evil deed cannot be
equal” mean that there is a huge difference between the two. “Repel
(the evil) with one which is better,” means that when someone treats you
badly, answer back with something better, as ‘Umar (may Allaah be pleased with
him) said: “There is no better punishment for the person who sinned by being
bad to you, than your obeying Allaah by being good to him in return.” (Tafseer
Ibn Katheer).
A man came to the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and said: “O Messenger of
Allaah, I have relatives with whom I try to keep in touch, but they cut me off;
I treat them well, but they treat me badly; I try to be kind to them, but they
are cruel to me.” He said: “If you are as you say, it is as if you are
putting hot ashes in their mouths. You will continue to have support from Allaah
against them so long as you continue doing that.” (Reported by Muslim, no.
2558)
Our advice to you, our sister, is to be tolerant and
forgiving. Follow your mother's advice. It is clear from your question that this
man has room to regret and retract his bad actions. Allaah tells us
(interpretation of the meaning): “ … whoever forgives and makes
reconciliation, his reward is due from Allaah…” [al-Shoora 42:40]
However, all of this does not prevent us from protecting
ourselves from the evil and harm that such relatives may cause. If going to
their houses, for example, will cause some kind of offence or harm, then the
relationship can be limited to telephone calls, kind words, the occasional gift
and so on. The relationship can be maintained at a distance, if being too close
will cause problems.
We ask Allaah to guide us all, to help us not to bear any grudges towards anyone, and to treat one another properly. May Allaah bless our Prophet Muhammad.
