YOU KNOW YOU NEED A BREAK FROM THE NET WHEN...

• Tech support calls YOU for help.
• Your night dreams are in HTML.
• You tell your girlfriend she had a Hotbot, she Excites you, and when you make love, you scream "YAHOO!".
• You actually wore a blue ribbon to protest the Communications Decency Act.
• You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
• Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
• Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
• You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."
• You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
• You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
• You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop.
• You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your child in the overhead compartment.
• All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.
• You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
• You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling,
• like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
• You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
• You start introducing yourself as "net dot com."
• Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
• You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
• Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
• All of your friends have an @ in their names.
• When looking at a page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
• Your dog has its own home page.
• You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos.
• You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
• You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are.
• You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
• You refer to your age as 3.x.
• You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.
• You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out."
• You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.
• You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.
• You sneak away to your computer when everyone goes to sleep.
• You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.
• You sit on AOL for 6 hours waiting for that certain special person to sign on.
• You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
• You think faster than the computer.
• Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes.
• Whenever you are asked your address, you give them your URL.
• The only Family you send Christmas and Birthday Cards to are the ones who have an email address.
• When you decline a real date with a live person cause your cyber boyfriend (whom you've never met) is waiting online for you.
• When your acrylic nails are shorter then when you had them put on two weeks ago.
• When you have to clean your keyboard with a Q-tip to dislodge the food particles.
• When the letters come off your keyboard from excessive use.
• You have comandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.
• Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
• Even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS on your favorite IRC channel.
• You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
• You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
• You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom. You laugh at people with 2400 baud modems.
• You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with IE 5 or higher.
• Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
• You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games from Apogee.t, or [C]ontinue?
• You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.
• You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
• You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
• You tell the cab driver you live at http://myasphalt.com
• You actually try that 123.elm.street address.
• You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
• Your friends no longer send you e-mail...they just log on to your IRC channel.
• You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
• Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
• You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless.
• You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...because you never log off.
• The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.
• You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
• You forget what year it is.
• As you forget to do your homework, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
• Your wife says communication is important in a marriage, so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.