These are various jokes and such that have been sent to me by various people I correspond with via email. Enjoy and if you have any good jokes and such with a christian theme then send them my way. Thanks!!
Now grab a cup of coffee, sit back and scroll through fun christian humor...
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TOP TEN THINGS PEOPLE WON'T SAY WHEN THEY SEE A CHRISTIAN BUMPER STICKER ON YOUR CAR
10. "Look! Let's stop that car and ask those
folks how we can become Christians."
9. "Don't worry, Billy, those people are
Christians - they must have a good reason for
driving 90 miles an hour."
8. "What a joy to be sharing the highway with
another car of Christian brothers and sisters."
7. "Isn't it wonderful how God blessed that
Christian couple with a brand-new BMW?"
6. "Dad, how come people who drive like that
don't get thrown in jail?" "Dad, can we get a
bumper sticker like that, too?"
5. "Stay clear of those folks, Martha. If they
get raptured, that car's gonna be all over the
road!"
4. "Oh, look! That Christian woman is getting a
chance to share Jesus with a police officer."
3. "No, that's not garbage coming out of their
windows, Bert - it's probably gospel tracts for
the road workers."
2. "Oh, boy, we're in trouble now! We just
rear-ended one of God's cars."
1. "Quick, Alice, honk the horn or they won't
know that we love Jesus!"
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This was sent to me by one of the ladies I'm in choir with..there pretty funny if you're a choir person.
Top Ten Reasons for Joining the Choir
10. Your running out of clean clothes and the choir robes save on laundry.
9. You've just been selected for jury duty and want to get used to sitting with a group of people.
8. Your church is so full you want to ensure that you always have a seat.
7. The collection plate is never passed to the choir.
6. There's a clock at the back of the sanctuary and you want to be the first to know when it's 12:00.
5. The preacher is new and you want to be close by in case he says something heretical.
4. For years you've wanted to know who sits in the back pews but were always afraid to turn around.
3. You've been known to nod off during the service and don't want the preacher to catch you.
2. The chairs in the choir are the most comfortable in the sanctuary.
1. Your favorite movie is Sister Act!
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I showed these to the pastor at my church and needless to say he laughed pretty hard at most of them. Probably because he's done a few of these...*S* ahh..I can't laugh a our pastor he's a pretty sweet guy!!!
Top 10 Signs Your Preacher Needs a Vacation
10. You caught him snoring during the service while he was leading the congregational prayer
9. The last ten sermons had "rest" in the title!
8. The closing hymn for the last three weeks has been, "I'll Fly Away"!
7. In the group pre-marital counselling class, he's spent more time discussing honeymoon destinations than anything else!
6. You heard him mutter something about bell towers, postal employees and an Uzi during the Children's Moment!
5. At last weekend's service he showed up in a Hawaiian shirt and Bermuda shorts!
4. At the last few baptisms, he held the people under too long. His excuse--"I like to see the bubbles" had you worried!
3. Before the last board meeting, holiday brochures of exotic getaways were placed on each seat!
2. The preacher's wife has posted a picture of him with the caption: "Have You Seen This Man?" all over the neighborhood!
1. The theme of his Jonah sermon was--"A Change Of Scenery Does A Body Good!"
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I don't recommend any of the Churches try these....I hold no responsibility of your actions after you read these...*S* This joke was probably written by a Preacher! I just want you to know that our congregation does all these things and our preacher's still alive, and here to stay! Its a good thing though we just like to keep the services entertaning.....
HOW TO GET RID OF YOUR PREACHER.......
1. Look him straight in the eye and say "Amen" once in awhile. He'll preach himself to death within a few weeks.
2. Pat him on the back and brag on his good points. He'll work himself to death.
3. Start paying him a living wage. He's probably been on starvation wages for so long he'll eat himself to death.
4. Rededicate your own life and ask the preacher to give you a job to do. He'll probably die of heart failure.
5. Get the congregation to unite in prayer for the pastor. He'll become so effective some larger church will soon take him off your hands.
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I got these from Alma Bigler awhile ago after she sent them to her son who's in college to help him to find a wife....*S*
The Top 15 Biblical Ways to Get a Wife
1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
2. Find a prostitute and marry her. - (Hosea 1:1-3)
3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.- Moses (Ex 2:16-21)
4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. - Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you.-Adam (Gen 2:19-24)
7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. - Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife -David (I Samuel 18:27)
9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) - Cain (Genesis 4:16 17)
10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." - Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though).-David (2 Samuel 11)
13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) - Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
15. A wife?...NOT? - Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)
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These could come in handy these days....
Top 10 Ways of Knowing You've Joined the Wrong Church
1.The Pastor refers to God only as "Jehovah" and constantly exhorts the congregation to "witness"
2.New members are required to submit W-2's for the last 10 years.
3.Pastor regularly attends meeting at Las Vegas and Atlantic City.
4.The media refers to the church facilities as a "compound".
5.You discover the church refers to the 10 commandments as the 10 suggestions.
6.The Women's Quartet are all married to the pastor.
7.The chancel cross has been replaced with a bronze pyramid.
8.Pastor preaches an eloquent sermon on ancient heresies and the elders want to make them part of the doctrinal statement.
9.The New Member's kit includes a Bible, church-by-laws, and an UZI.
10.The Pastoral Search Committee announces that they discovered a problem with their one good candidate-she's divorced.
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The following are answers given by students at the Williamston Presbyterian Church, So. Carolina, to test questions on the Bible:
The first book of the Bible is Guinesses, in which Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan Of Ark.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.
The Jews had trouble throughout their history with unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
Unleavened bread is bread made without ingredients.
Moses went to the top of Mt. Cyanide to get the 10 Commandments.
The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery".
Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
David fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
Jesus was born because Mary had immaculate contraption.
The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibles.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opposums was St. Mathew.
Paul preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
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Those are a few of the many emails I get. I hope you enjoy hwat I have here and I'll add more a little later. See ya!!!
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