Sons of Wu Tang.
"I Am only the Agent of this Sword" -The Sword Spirit. This is an oldie. Remember when we used to listen to LPs and you'd hear the hiss and pops? Well you could SEE the darn things in this one.
The Story: The Huns are attacking and the people are desperate! The general of the army sends a message back to the crib with intelligence on the enemie's troop placements. Or is it on rebel forces locations? I forget.Anyway, there's a traitor lurking. He steals the message and all hell breaks loose. It starts off with fools kicking buckets. You see a swordsman jump from the left of the screen and take a couple dudes out. When he lands his sword is right in your face with blood dripping from the underside. Hey Cool, 3D! Then we see the Villain standing on a huge boulder on a beach. cool looking bloke. Jet black hair with white streaks running down the middle and both temples, dressed in all red. Enter the Bad Guy- the Sword Spirit he uses a short ugly looking sword with all kinds of tricks built in to it. He is hired by a guy I'll call the Persian Ninja. Why? Because his style of dress is similar to Lawrence of Arabia, but with a gold and silver mask covering his whole head. He's hired to take out all the rebels and find the message. Oh, I guess Iforgot to tell you guys that the traitor was killed by the 3D sword dude and the message retrieved. OOps! Anywhoooo, ole SS starts slicing fools up quicker than that guy in the Gensu commercials. One stroke or one pass kills. Like in the Japanese Ninja flix where the guys jump, slash and land. One of them falls while the other walks off. This was just like it. Apparently SS sword has a hidden blade and he extends it as he swings. His strokes always leave a little line down the middle of the forehead. SS kills the 3D swords dude and the Persian Ninja houses (Michigan talk for gets killed really badly) the rest of the family except our budding hero, Ching Yee, who happens to be taking a little seista. He hears the screams of his family but he isn't in time to do dammit! So he vows his revenge and sets off after the killer. He joins up with some rebels and is sent with a homie to find the "Tung Hie Swordsman." Tung Hie is an old man and he's retired. Like dat matters. Anyway, he ain't to easy to find though. He lives in a secret valley and no one seems to know just where that is. Oh well! I guess that have to pick em up and put em down then. The two swordsmen run into a host of bad dudes along the way. Here we go again with the bad dude knowing where the good guys are going even before the good folk have a clue. They run into a hunchback digging graves. Of course we know who's supposed to take their naps in them. The Hunchback fights with what looks like a BOOTY! um, Alex, that means the weapon stunk.They make mincemeat out of him and continue their journey. Next they run into a guy that fights them with a chessboard. After he fails to tap them with his board he breaks out with feathers between his fingers. Huh? Feathers? Ya'll heard me. I did say feathers! This guy was actually going to use them.
This is where I should have just hit rewind and put in another movie. But NOOOO, I had to finish the darn thing to my ultimate dismay. I don't even think Juan would finish this thing. Anyway, they spank chessboard/feather fighter's ass and move on. They learn from a mystery guy that some fool by the name of "the Fox" is after them too. I guess that was supposed to put some fear into them. They refuse to be scared. They eventually run into the fox. The Fox uses a gold metallic wand with a hidden point. There are a total of 3 weapons in this movie that have hidden extending something or other. The Fox houses Ching Yee's traveling bud but Ching Yee is saved by the mystery guy. We find out that this guy doesn't want to say his name but we can call him the Black Meteor. That's because he likes to look at the stars at night. HUH? I'm starting to get that confused dog look. the one where your mutt will tilt their head slightly to one side. This guy is dressed up in what looks to me like Japanese attire. He uses a pole with knobs on one end and the business end has...yeah, a hidden blade! that's number 3 folks. It pops out when he stops liking you. Ching Yee and the Meteor fight some silver ghost dudes and wind up enhaling poison. The Fox and Meteor man take eachother out at the same time and die impaled on thier opponents weapon. Ching Yee stumbles around and eventually passes out in the Tung Hie Swordsman's valley. Hie's servants administer a counter agent and Yee is almost 100%. However, he has to learn to be patient before Hie will teach him anything. Hie tells Yee that he must study the flowers in order to do so. He doesn't see how that is going to help and neither do I.
While Yee is out looking at flowers with Hie's daughter, Hie goes out to fight Sword Spirit. He doesn't make it. I guess this is one movie where being old does suck! So here we have a hero that doesn't learn dammit cause the guy that was supposed to teach him is fertilizer now. The Sword Spirit finds Yee and they get it on. Ole Yee is holding his own for a while, until SS uses a secret tech. Now he's getting bloodied up pretty good. It looks like he's going to be worm food too. While he's getting tossed around by SS he sees Hie's daughter poking flowers in some hay dummies. He decides this would be a damn good killing technique. He starts jabbing flower stems into our hired killer's body. It was too late for me to hit stop so I endured. Yee grabs an ass load of pretty flowers and throws them at SS. Exit one bad guy. He died like a punk. Flowers? What, did the writers suffer from writers block at the last minute or something? FLOWERSSSSS!!!
Rewatchability: HELL DOUBLE NAW!
Rewindability: Only if you can't believe that you actually saw feathers.
Quotability: Yeah, from me. Don't watch this! I rented another one called Faster Blade and Poisonous Darts. It was worse by far. Golden Turkey material.