When I was asked to write on Dominance, I didn't know were to begin. There are many novels and articles written on thesubject. So I have reread many articles, and thought about it and came up with the following.

I have observed everyone trying new things and new kinks. This is good for the Dominant's education, but I digress. Dominants should be always in a learning process. In the learning process the Dominant should learn about themselves. The biggest fault I see Dominants make is to be in competition among fellow lifestylers. I think what ever type of D/s relationship I enjoy; it is my lifestyle and no one else's. My style of BDSM can not be that of anyone else's except of my own partner.

One of the problems I see in the lifestyle is too many people are unsure of what they really want of it. They are also afraid sometimes to express what they want because they feel is is too "off the wall" by others. I have seen situations where the Dominant has asked the sub about her desires and wants and then neither party is very truthful about what they are. Many may honestly feel they can compromise on certain aspects of the lifestyle. In my opinion, I think this leads to disappointment on both sides and possibily disaster.

It is very important for you, as a Dominant, to know what you want, need and desire in terms of the lifestyle, and not be willing to compromise those needs and desires. I have learned through personal experience that compromising ends up with neither side being totally satisfied. The vanilla world thinks the essence of a good relationship is to compromise. I strongly disagree. I guess I am selfish and my sub should be also. I decided sometime ago that if I can't have what I want, need and desire then I would live alone. I have compromised much in previous relationships and it was a disaster. I believe through communication, it is an all or nothing proposition where both the Dominant and sub must agree.

As the Dominant, you are the one responsible for maintaining control of a relationship, as well as the environment which allows the relationship to flourish.

The Dominant has the final word. This is not to say that you don't consider what the sub desires. An example I feel is needed. I want Greek food and the sub wants Oriental food. Do we settle for Mexican food? Do we compromise? NO! I could enforce my Master Voice and insist on Greek food. I would decide how badly I want Greek food. Then in some cases I would go with the sub's desire. Should I ruin a relationship over arguing over something as petty as the choice of restaurants? Silly example I know but makes a point. I would hate to think my self-esteem as a man and a Dominant is based on my ability to choose a restaurant. My control extends beyond the eroticism into all levels of life. If erotic control is what you want as a Dominant, it is your responsibility to yourself to be sure that the partner you get wants the same with no compromises. Compromises lead to frustration.

In some relationships where erotic control is certainly in evidence, punishments are an important part of the lifestyle. When a sub disobeys or displeases, even accidentally, the disappointment is all the punishment needed. For some couples, physical punishments is expected and given. It is an aspect of commitment that the sub appreciates as an intregal part of the relationship. I think more than a few people are confused as to what constitutes punishment when in many cases the punishment is very similar to what occurs in playing and/or sceneing. How can a sub be punished with a whipping, if they enjoy the whipping in a scene? The sub may go into sub space.

Making the difference depends on the Dominant's technique. The same implements may be used in a scene or for punishment. To keep the sub out of sub space I use no warm up strokes before applying punishment. The strokes are extremely hard and well placed. Even though the Dominant can whip the sub just as hard when she is in subspace, the combination of having disappointed the Dominant and not being permitted to go into subspace gives the desired punishment. A variation on the two concepts of control and punishment is represented by couples who need to have the sub misbehave in order to justify the punishment. In other words, the sub must deserve punishment before the sub can feel justified in taking the punishment as well as the Dominant must have the sub disobey before he can feel justified in giving punishment.

Many couples have to come to realize the hard way that it is impossible to compromise certain aspects of Dominance for long. The goal of knowing and understanding your needs will provide you the ability to accept nothing less than all which you desire. In knowing yourself, be true to yourself, compromise is not necessary. Once you are able to come to terms with what your needs are, you will understand that there is no aspect of competition. Everything boils down to only one thing, in the end. What you as an individual wish to be as a Dominant is that you be yourself.

I want to say a lot of this writing is original and some is paraphrased from other thoughts written on the subject by other Dominants. If there is any similarity to other articles, I apologize; it was not intended. Thank you for reading this. It is my feelings.