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November 18, 1999
Subject: Muffins and other baked goods

I was just trying to think of a good subject for today's column. I thought of the various things that I did throughout the day that were interesting, and then it hit me - muffins!

My mom stays at home, but since she only has to teach my sixth-grade brother and watch the toddlers, she has done a lot of baking. Yesterday, she baked some cranberry muffins. I normally like my muffins with butter, but these are great without.

Anyway, I was thinking about something that would be worth writing about, I considered the fact that muffin is a very weird word. It sounds fluffy. Well, I guess that describes a muffin.

I sort of have goofy lines that I use repeatedly until they get boring. Like, for first quarter, last school year, I had, "Don't do that or I'll beat you up with my big muscles." If you know me, I think that you get it.

This month's line is [with British accent], "Oh, jolly, jolly, jolly, we'll have tea, and crumpets, and jam, and TOASTER OVENS!

I was fairly sure that a crumpet is some sort of British baked good, and I figured that I can talk about it in a column about muffins. My dictionary says that it is, "a light bread, with a consistency similar to that of a muffin, cooked on a gridle, and frequently toasted." The dumb thing about the word "crumpet" is that you could have a military officer named "Lieutenant Crumpet," and no one would think it odd, but if you had a military officer named "Lieutenant Muffin," a victory would be sure because the enemy would die laughing. The reason that I think that this is strange is that they have similar consistencies. Now, cake is a noise that is made from the back of the throat, and so, although it has a similar consistency to that of a muffin, it is made with a very different sound.

I think that people who invent languages should be very careful what words rhyme, and how the noises are made. Someone wasn't careful, and now they have a little black and white bird with an orange beak rhyming with a delicious baked good! Can you imagine what a poet would do if he caught on to this? Maybe he'd write something like:

The saddened muffin
Was chased by the puffin
Who ate with a spork purple
Not a fork,

[The editor has to report that the author of this poem couldn't think of a rhyme for purple, except burp'll (a contraction of burp will) and he can't integrate this into a poem with puffins, sporks, and muffins.]

If you can think of a rhyme for purple, or would like to comment on this, or any installment of The Way I See It..., please click here.