Bob and Juanito sat on a small rock in the center of the earth. Bob took the duck off of his head, examined it, and asked, "Anyone hungry?" [This is an important message from the SPCA. It is not recomended to barbaque ducks, even in the center of the earth. We are blue meanies, and we don't like anyone to eat animals, even pigs, even though the only reason that pigs are here is for food. Don't feel sorry for us because we can't eat bacon, we wouldn't want to. Anyway, if you barbeque a duck, we reserve the right to go after you and make you make a duck out of a plastic-steel alloy.]

"Yes," said Juanito, "but I won't eat that duck. The SPCA will go after us, and put sugar in our gas tanks."

"But, Juanito, your car spontaneously disappeared."

"Oh. Never mind. Hey, wait! How are you going to cook the duck?"

"Dingtonish!" exclaimed Bob, who liked inventing new expletives. "I forgot about that part!"

"Say," replied Juanito, "let's ask those people in that little humongous mansion over there." Sure enough, there was a little humongous mansion right above them.

"Good idea, my fair-feathered friend!" said Bob.

"I don't have feathers." Juanito replied.

"Anyway, they have to have an iron in that little humongous mansion."

"Just remember not to use the steamer, and to use the 'wool' setting." suggested Juanito.

"Juanito, that house is above us."

"So?"

"Won't it fall on us?" asked Bob. Just then, the full 30000 metric tons of mansion fell upon Juanito and Bob. Fortunately, it quickly bounced off of them.

"Juanito?" said Bob, who suddenly looked like Juanito.

"Yes?" said Juanito, who suddenly looked like Bob.

"Fluffy anvils!" they exlaimed in unison, "We switched bodies!"

The Grand Chancellor, Supreme Dictator, Worldwide Emporer, Twinkie Eater, Lemonade Seller, King of the Moon, Czar of all unexplored regions of Antartica, Poobah of all People, Owner of the Solar System that revolves around Sol, Chief of the Andromeda Galaxy, etc., etc., otherwise known as Antonio Smith, called Spanky by his friends and loving wife, was just sitting down to a delicious supper of Rice-a-Roni, prepared by the aforementioned wife.

The children, Dick and Jane, made gagging noises, and tried slipping pieces of Rice-a-Roni to their dog, Spot.

"Spot eats Rice-a-Roni Jane." Dick said. "See Spot eat Rice-a-Roni. Spot can eat Rice-a-Roni, Jane."

"Spot does not like Rice-a-Roni, Dick." Jane replied. "See Spot gag? Spot can run, Dick. See Spot run from Rice-a-Roni, Dick."

"Jane is right. See Spot set fire to an effigy of the Rice-a-Roni factory."

"Spot can roast hot dogs on the burning effigy of the Rice-a-Roni factory."

"Spot, GIVE US SOME HOT DOGS!" screamed Dick and Jane in unison.

"Eat your Rice-a-Roni, children," said their mother.

"Or I will have you shot by my honor guard," continued their father, The Grand Chancellor, Supreme Dictator, Worldwide Emporer, Twinkie Eater, Lemonade Seller, King of the Moon, Czar of all unexplored regions of Antartica, Poobah of all People, Owner of the Solar System that revolves around Sol, Chief of the Andromeda Galaxy, etc., etc., otherwise known as Antonio Smith, called Spanky by his friends and loving wife.

The children burst out laughing. They really loved it when their father went overboard, so they had a tape recording of a laugh track that they play every time he says something goofy like mentioning his honor guard. The effect is quite thrilling, in that it sounds like hundreds of people are laughing at Spanky. For some reason, Spanky never catches on that his children are mocking him. At this point, I should mention that Spanky was a trifle deluded. In actuallity, he held none of those offices (except Twinkie Eater and Lemonade seller.) He was rich, so he lived in a mansion in the center of the earth. How he became so rich is beyond the scope of this story, so let's leave it at the fact that he was rich. He had an honor guard, (The only reason that they worked for him was because he was rich) but whenever they tried to buy guns, since they had to have a licence, they were refused. They could not get gun licences with something like "I need a gun so that the guy I work for can take over the world." Remember that the people reading the licence applications are govenment employees, so they don't really want to lose their jobs unless bribed with cake.

Anyway, the children refused to eat their Rice-a-Roni, so Spanky snapped his fingers three times, and his honor guard entered the room. "Have these imputent brats shot!" screamed Spanky.

"Oh, Grand Chancellor, Supreme Dictator, Worldwide Emporer, Twinkie Eater, Lemonade Seller, King of the Moon, Czar of all unexplored regions of Antartica, Poobah of all People, Owner of the Solar System that revolves around Sol, Chief of the Andromeda Galaxy, etc., etc.," the three well paid honor guard members rattled off, "we have no guns. How can we have your affectionate children shot?"

"Here," said Spanky, handing the honor guard cheap, plastic, spring loaded dart guns. "Use these. You put the ammunition in the muzzle, pull back on this lever to cock it, and press the trigger to fire."

"Thank you, Your Supremeness," the honor guard chimed in unison, "We will carry out your orders." They muttered under their respective breaths comments like "Oh, we'll shoot them with dart guns.", or "Hardly leathal. The jerk.", or "How do you work this thing again?"

Dick, Jane, and the honor guard walked on to the firing room, all six walls of which (The chancellor was fond of hexagons) were made of cement. An atomic bomb could be fired off, and the other occupants of the house would feel no ill effects. The children stood side by side at one wall of the room, with ludicrous looks on their faces, since they had been "shot" many times before. The honor guard lined up, side by side, on the opposite wall.

"Ready!" screamed one of the guards.

"Aim!"

"Fire!"

"Ouch!" all three of the honor guard said simultaneously, as the cheap plastic guns mis-fired, with parts of backs of the guns exploding into shards, while the springs pinched the thumbs of the startled honor guard. "I want my mommy!" they sobbed in unison, while Dick and Jane laughed, while accompanied by the laugh track.

Bump!

Thud!

The mansion fell crashing onto Bob and Juanito, right as they came to the conclusion that the aforementioned mansion had no supports. The thud came from the mansion bouncing off of them.

"Bob, why don't we head into that mansion? Maybe they will let us cook our duck." said Juanito, who looked like Bob.

"Okay," said Bob, who looked like Juanito. They walked in through the front door, and took random turns to (accidentally) find Spanky eating his Rice-a-Roni with his wife.

"Who are you, and what are you doing in my house, the house of The Grand Chancellor, Supreme Dictator, Worldwide Emperor, Twinkie Eater, Lemonade Seller, King of the Moon, Czar of all unexplored regions of Antartica, Poobah of all People, Owner of the Solar System that revolves around Sol, Chief of the Andromeda Galaxy, etc., etc.?!?!" bellowed Spanky.

"My name is Bob," said Bob, "and this is Juanito Foracappisimoendopippilotisrusrusrus. He's a physicist. Can we cook our duck on your stove, pal?"

"PAL! PAL? YOU DARE CALL ME PAL!" screamed Spanky, "I AM THE WORLD WIDE EMPEROR! IF YOU ARE FROM ANYWHERE ON THIS EARTH, YOU ARE MY SLAVE! I AM POOBAH OF ALL PEOPLE! IF YOU ARE A PERSON, YOU ARE IN MY CHARGE! I AM TWINKIE EATER! IF YOU ARE A TWINKIE, I CAN EAT YOU! I OWN THE SOLAR SYSTEM THAT REVOLVES AROUND SOL! IF YOU ARE FROM MERCURY, VENUS, EARTH, MARS, JUPITER, SATURN, URANUS, NEPTUNE, PLUTO, A MOON, ASTEROID, OR OTHER SPACE OBJECT IN THE SOLAR SYSTEM WHICH REVOLVES ABOUT SOL, YOU ARE MY PEASANT! I AM THE LEMONADE SELLER! IF YOU ARE LEMONS, SUGAR, OR WATER, I CAN MIX YOU WITH MY OTHER INGREDIENTS, AND SELL YOU FOR $.25 ON A STREET CORNER IN HONG KONG! I AM CHIEF OF THE ANDROMEDA GALAXY! IF YOU ARE A STAR, PLANET, MOON, ASTEROID, METEORITE, OR OTHER SPACE OBJECT, OR IF YOU MAKE YOUR DWELLING ON ONE OF THE AFOREMENTIONED OBJECTS, THEN YOU ARE MINE! HA HA HA HA!!! MA HA HA HA HEE!"

"Well," said Bob, "we are from the fourth planet orbiting Alpha Centauri."

"AND I ASSUME THAT YOU ARE NOT PEOPLE?" bellowed Spanky, "IF YOU ARE PEOPLE, THEN YOU ARE IN MY CHARGE!"

"Dingbatted storm cellars!" exclaimed Juanito. "He called our bluff, Bob. I thought that we could pass off as people, but I guess that since we are gerbils, it was too obvious for such a wise man as our Supreme Dictator to not notice us." Of course, Bob and Juanito were lying like rugs, but since Spanky didn't know that, and since they were trying to be polite since they found that he was an egotist, Spanky didn't pick up on that. Bob and Juanito figured that Spanky could be manipulated by flattery.

"Your Supremeness, may we cook our duck?" requested Bob.

"NO NO NO!!!!" Spanky screamed, in a fashion that any two-year-old would give his eye teeth for. "I DON'T WANT THE SPCA ON ME!!! THEY COULD DO NOTHING, OF COURSE, BUT THEY CAN BE LITTLE PAINS!!! HONOR GUARD!"

The three men of the honor guard came in, with their thumbs pinched in their cheap, plastic pistols. "Yes, your Dictatorship!" they said in unison. "What is your bidding?"

"TAKE THESE IMPUTENT FOOLS TO THE TORTURE CHAMBER! DON'T KILL THEM, I WANT TO SEE THEM IN TORMENT!"

"Yes, your Twinkie-eaterness!"

"But, Our Master!" Bob exclaimed. "We do not mean to harm this innocent duck. At Alpha Centauri, 'May we cook our duck' means 'How may we serve you?'"

"Oh." said a mortified Spanky. "Well then, I have noticed that when I drop my toast, it lands jelly side up. I can't have that. FIX IT!"

"Certainly," replied Juanito.

"You may use a balloon, two crochet needles, some yarn, a nine-volt battery, and a flock of rubber chickens," said Spanky.

"WHAT!?!?" exclaimed Juanito, quite flabbergasted. "I would need to work in a state-of-the-art laboratory to do such a thing. How can the items you give me help?"

"I do not know. You are the physicist, you figure it out." said Spanky.

"But, Sir," Juanito protested.

"BUT SIR!!! BUT SIR!!! YOU DARE PROTEST!!! I WILL HAVE YOU WORK IN THE HALL CLOSET IF I WISH!"

"You are insane!" exlaimed Bob.

"HONOR GUARD! TAKE THESE MEN TO THE HALL CLOSET!"

"Yes, Chief of the Andromeda Galaxy!" the honor guard responded, hauling off Bob, Juanito, and the duck.

Oooohhhh-What happens next? Click here to find out!