Comedy # 84 March 24, 2000 Have a great weekend!

(Thanks John!) The following are actual church bulletin bloopers:
1. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
2. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the BS is done.
3. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday
morning.
4. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use
the back door.
5. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will
sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
6. A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
8. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.
9. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
10. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of
David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.
11. Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving
milk will please come early.
12. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
13. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is
Hell?". Come early and listen to our choir practice.
14. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
15. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
16. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are
preparing for the girth of their first child.
17. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes,
green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
18. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
19. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
20. Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.
21. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
22. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and
lay an egg on the altar.
23. The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies
will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
24. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
25. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys
sinning to join the choir.

(Thanks Vallory!) 1950's, What people were saying just 50 years ago!
(1). "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's
going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20."
(2) "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long
when $5000 will only buy a used one."
(3). "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A
quarter a pack is ridiculous."
(4). "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime
just to mail a letter?"
(5). "The Government is wanting to get its hands on everything. Pretty
soon it's going to be impossible to run a family business or farm."
(6). "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to
hire outside help at the store."
(7). "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 50 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."
(8). "Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it
impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing> their hair as long as the girls."
(9). "Also, their music drives me wild. This `Rock Around The Clock`
thing is nothing but racket."
(10). "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since
they let Clark Gable get by with saying `damn` in `Gone With The Wind,` it
seems every movie has a `hell` or `damn` in it."
(11). "Also, it won't be long until couples are sleeping in the same
bed in the movies. What is this world coming to?"
(12)."Marilyn Monroe is now showing her bra and panties, so apparently
there are no standards anymore."
(13). "Pretty soon you won't be able to buy a good 10 cent cigar."
(14). "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible
to put a man on the moon by the end of the of the century. They even have
some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
(15). "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract
for$75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday
they'll be making more than the president."
(16). "Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the
country?"
(17). "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances
would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."
(18). "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few
married women are having to work to make ends meet."
(19). "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire
someone to watch their kids so they can both work."
(20). "Marriage doesn't mean a thing anymore, Those Hollywood stars
seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."
(21). " I'll tell you one thing. If my kid ever talks back to me, they
won't be able to sit down for a week."
(22). "Did you know the new church in town is allowing women to wear
slacks to their service?"
(23). "Next thing you know is, the government will start paying us to
not grow crops."
(24). "I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to
a whole lot of foreign business."
(25). "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government
takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the
best people to congress."
(26). "Why in the world would you want to send your daughter to
college? Isn't she going to get married? It would be different if she could be a
doctor or a lawyer."
(27). "I just hate to see the young people smoking. As I tell my kids:
"Don't take a cigarette from ANYONE. You never know what might be in it."
(28). The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I
seriously doubt they will ever catch on."
(29). "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a
weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."
(30). "Anymore no one can afford to be sick; $35 a day in the hospital
is too rich for my blood."
(31). "If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the
country that's fine, but nothing will ever replace trains."
(32). "I don't know about you but if they raise the price of coffee to
15 cents, I'll just have to drink mine at home."
(33). "If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it. I'll
have my wife learn to cut hair."
(34). "We won't be going out much anymore. Our baby sitter informed us
she wants 50 cents an hour. Kids think money grows on trees."
(35). "Cars which dim their lights by sensors, automatic
transmissions, and who knows what else? Pretty soon they will drive themselves.

(Thanks Linda!)

A truck driver is driving along the freeway, and a sign comes up that reads, "Low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
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Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray'-ter\ : A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's

Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl' \ : What a bullfighter tries to do

Baloney \buh-lo'-nee' \ : Where some hemlines fall

Bernadette \burn'-a-det' \ : The act of torching a mortgage

Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize' \ : What a crook sees with

Control \kon'-trol\ : A short, ugly inmate

Counterfeiters \kown'-ter-fit'-ers\ : Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

Eclipse \ee-klips' \ : What a Cockney barber does for a living

Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\ : A clumsy ophthalmologist

Heroes \hee-rhos' \ : What a guy in a boat does

Left Bank \left' bangk' \ : What the robber did when his bag was full of loot

Misty \mis-tee' \ : How golfers create divots

Paradox \par'-u-doks' \ : Two physicians

Parasites \par'-ih-sites' \: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower

Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist \ : A helper on the farm

Polarize \po'-lur-ize' \ : What penguins see with

Primate \pri'-mate' \ : Removing your spouse from in front of the TV

Relief \ree-leef' \ : What trees do in the spring

Selfish \sel'-fish' \ : What the owner of a seafood store does

Subdued \sub-dood' \ : Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man

Sudafed \sood'-a-fed' \ : Brought litigation against a government official

(Thanks Jen!)

THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME

My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My Mother taught me FAITH...
"Because I told you so, that's why."

My Mother taught me MEDICINE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My mother taught me about SEX...
"How do you think you got here?"

My mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You are just like your father!"

My mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING...
"You are going to get it when we get home."

And my all time favorite thing, JUSTICE...
"One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like."

(Thanks Georgia!)

WITH AGE YOU IMPROVE?
The little girl was sitting in her grandfather's lap as he read her a goodnight story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up and touch his wrinkled cheek. By and by, she was alternately stroking her own cheek and then his again.
Finally, she spoke, "Granddaddy, did God make you?"
"Yes, Sweetheart," he answered. "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she said. Then, "Granddaddy, did God make me, too?"
"Yes, indeed, Honey," he assured her. "God made you, just a little while ago."
"Oh," she said. Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it now, isn't He
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People from the Big Apple:
Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty people from New York City showed up. Never having seen anyone from the Big Apple at heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God.
After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous people from the group.
A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone!"
"What? All of the New Yorkers are gone?" asked God.
"No!" replied Saint Peter. "The Pearly Gates!"
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A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!" "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"