A Question of Status
I sat on my bed all that day, though the night, and into the next afternoon, staring blankly at the wall before me. All I could see was an image of blood. It covered everything I laid my eyes upon.
Many times my friends would come to check on me. Each time I saw only had done to Yenefis and imagined it had been them I had killed so brutally.
Tira stayed at my side, never moving, never intruding. She seemed to know I needed her there but not too close. I refused to look at her, though, afraid of seeing the beast I had become.
In the next room I could hear my friends talking:
"He will come out of it, won't he?" Xiona asked.
"this one does not know. The change was hard on her and she didn't experience it so badly."
"How can we help him?" Andrys asked.
"Be near, if we stay with Him, He should return to us," gentle replied.
At some point they each took blame for what had happened. Diena for her relationship with Yenefis, Xiona for hers, pup for not warning me this might happen (she had seen the possibility long ago), gentle for not feeling Yenefis' cruelty, and Andrys for not finding him and running a sword through his gut.
I wanted to tell them it wasn't their fault but each time I tried I was again swallowed by memory, running through the forest, coming behind my prey, leaping onto his back and tearing into him. His cries, his pain, his blood haunted me.
I finally emerged from my stupor, driven by a need to exonerate my friends. I had been out of it for quite a while. When I entered the living chamber, it was full of Elves. Chairs had been brought in to seat many. The rest stood or sat on the floor. They, as one, stared at me as I stood in the doorway, shaking.
Xiona hurried to my side. "Brother."
I just stood there, in wonder. Didn't the fear what I was, as I did?
"Dan?" Andrys asked, coming to my side.
I looked at him and blinked. In my vision, his face was torn and bloody. Wouldn't this ever leave me?
gentle stood, shaking herself as she came to stand before me. "No, Dan, put it away. Let the pain leave." She touched my face and peace washed through me. "I can't take it all but I can send some of it away."
My sight seemed to clear. The vision faded as my fear and self-loathing drained, a little, from me.
"Thank you," I said, my voice cracking.
She just bowed her head, ran to pup, and cried.
"Come sit, Dan," Xiona said.
I went with her as she led me to sit in my favorite chair near the fireplace. Somehow it had stayed empty. Whether they had left it for me or feared to sit where I had been, I didn't know.
The elves watched as we made our way across the room and I sat down, my sister at my side. Xiona put her arms around me and I broke down, crying as gentle was.
"He needs this," gentle said, raising her tear-streaked face from pup's shoulder. "What I took was only a fraction of His pain. He is strong though. He will pass through this."
One of the Lords spoke. "He is gifted now, isn't he?"
pup looked at Andrys. He nodded. "Lord Mountain, He is gifted now but what that means this one cannot say. He is outside the rules."
"You have said that before, pup." A female Elf said. "This changes things. A gifted must have a Lord or Mistress."
"And if He chooses none?" pup asked, a hint of defiance in her voice.
The other gifted drew a sharp breath and looked at Andrys. He stood with his arms crossed and nodded His approval to his.
"Then One of Us must choose for him. The Lady said. "The Law is specific. If a gifted will not find a Lord or Mistress, then the Lord of the Keep is to assign them One. The gifts are too precious to risk."
I finally got tired of them talking around me, as though I wasn't there. I raised my head, tears still blurring my vision. "I have already chosen a love. I will NOT take another."
"Then tell us, who?" The Lady asked, gently.
"My wife, who's ring I wear. I will not sully our vows our love."
"She is not here, she cannot be counted."
"Like Hell," I said, standing.
"You are insolent, gifted. SomeOne should teach you some manners. Since you refuse to even try to find a Mistress, I will petition Lord Tevanor to select One for you."
"Who, you?" I asked, as insulting as I could.
"Whoever He chooses. If it is Me though, you will have to quickly learn proper respect."
"Don't push me into a corner. You might not like the result."
"Is that a threat, gifted?" the Lady asked coolly.
"No, a warning. Please, I don't know how to control the thing I've become and I don't want to hurt anyone else."
"Then you had better learn, gifted." She said as she stood and left.
pup came up to me and knelt on one knee. She looked into my face and said, "this one will teach You all she knows of being wolf. That is, if my Lord will allow it."
"Of course, pup. With all my blessing."
"Well, then," Mountain said, standing. "We can do no more here today. The sun is starting to set and I am hungry. Andrys thank You for Your hospitality. Dan, congratulations on becoming 'gifted'. I do not know if Lady Cerziana is right about you needing a Mistress but hurry, learn your gift well. If you become strong in it, you might have a say in your future. Hide from it and We will have no choice. Come, ice."
With that he turned and left. The woman who had been with him, an Elf with ice-white hair, followed.
The others all stood and, with quiet thanks to Andrys, left as well.
When only my closest friends remained Tira came out of the bedroom. "Too many words, not enough understanding. Honored brother, I am with you always. Alongside my sister, I will teach you the true ways of the wolf. She has never been in a pack and has much to learn as well."
"I understood that!" Andrys exclaimed.
"Then you learn well," Tira told him.
I looked around me. My friends had accepted me, not knowing what I would be, only that they loved me.
"Andrys, I said. "Would you teach me as well. Teach me how to fight as a man in this world does, with a sword. That way I might not ever feel the need to do what I did again."
"Of course, brother."
gentle smiled. "The healing has begun."
That started a hectic time of my life, like I had gotten much peace since I arrived here. Tira, pup, and I would leave the keep before dawn for my 'wolf lessons', as I called them. The first thing I had to learn was control. If I didn't have that I would be more beast than wolf, no matter what form I wore. They taught me the shape doesn't matter. It was the soul inside that was important. pup was always part wolf, even in Elven form, and always part Elf, even in wolf shape.
As soon as I accepted that lesson, the change became easy. I no longer worried about losing my control. I stayed Dan, no matter how others saw me. I accepted myself and that made all the difference.
When I took wolf form I was silver. It shocked me at first. I'm not sure what I expected but, both pup and Tira said my coat suited me.
"It also matches that chain You where around Your neck," pup said one night, referring to the necklace that had once held my wedding ring.
I pulled it out from under my tunic and felt the pendant hanging there. The chain and cross had been the only things, other than my ring, to stay with me from my world.
"What does that signify?" Diena asked.
"It represents my faith," I told her.
"Ahh," Andrys said. "I had wondered about it."
The days continues to pass, as days will. I began to rejoice in my wolf identity, the freedom was exquisite. My lessons with Andrys were hard but, I began to pick up the basics of swordplay. He also was teaching me how to use the knife and the bow.
Then as we had expected, Lord Tevanor sent word that my status needed to be determined. On that afternoon I was to present myself before him.
I thought about the impression I wanted to make. I chose carefully what I would wear and carry with me. I knew, if I failed to give the right appearance, I would be force to take a Mistress. She could then rule my life, not as I wanted but as She desired. I wasn't going to take that chance.
My friends worried a little when I told them to go ahead. I would see them in the Great Hall.
"Don't make Lord Tevanor wait too long." Andrys warned.
"Don't worry," I said. "I will be there shortly.
After they left, I quickly changed.
When I arrived at the Great Hall. The doorman looked surprised. Before he could open the door, I said, "I will announce myself."
I threw open the doors and strode into the room, head high, gaze proud. As I passed the assembled Elves, I knew from the sharp intakes of breath that I had indeed made an impression.
I had chosen to wear a dark sleeveless tunic with a 'V' style neck. My leggings were black leather as were my boots. My necklace and cross were plainly visible to all, showing my devotion to my beliefs. One my left upper arm was a band of gold, etched with wolves running. Diena had given it to me as a gift. The knife Xiona had given me, back in the caves, was on my right hip and my pistol hung at my left. The sword Andrys had given me was strapped across my back. Tira walked at my side.
I stalked up to the dais where Lord Tevanor sat and stood there, my arms crossed. "You wanted to see me?"
A gasp ran through the crowd.
Lord Tevanor looked behind me to Lady Cerziana. "You were right, he is insolent."
"Forgive my posture, Lord but, until everyone accepts that I am my own, belonging to no one, this is what you get."
I heard laughter from beside the dais. The laughing Elf said, "Brother, it might be best to believe him." I noticed a gitar across his back.
"Tariel, please this is hard enough as it is."
"It shouldn't be any problem, Lord," I said. "I am no one's servant, plain and simple. I have no quarrel with those who would live there life's in that way. You have seen who my friends here are. But, I will accept no Mistress. I have already given my heart away. That will never change.
"Make no mistake, ANY who tries to force me will regret it."
Lady Cerziana came forth. "My Lord, he needs training. He…"
"In what?" I asked her. "I am already learning to be a wolf. Can you teach me that? I am learning the sword, bow, and knife. Is any here a better teacher than Andrys? I already know how to love and who I wish to be. I do know respect but, only for those who respect me.
"I am sorry, Lady, who have nothing I need, unless you wish to be a friend. I can always use another of those."
Lady Cerziana looked at me, a glint of respect and understanding in her eyes. "Lord Tevanor, I withdraw my petition." She smiled. "I underestimated him."
That settled that question.
Tariel just laughed.
That night in our chambers everyone let me have it.
Diena punched my shoulder. "You, you. You could have told us what you planned."
"It might have ruined the effect."
"I just about died when you approached Lord Tevanor. "Andrys said. "Didn't you know that no one is to openly defy Him like that?"
I shrugged, "Seemed like the best way to prove my independence."
"It worked," Xiona said, "Nobody seemed ready to stand against you, even those that agreed with Lady Cerziana. When you backed her down the issue was decided."
"What made you decide to carry that sword across your back. Can you even draw it?" Andrys asked.
"I spent a lot of my spare time learning how to draw a sword like that. It's actually quicker for me now. As for why I carry it that way? It leaves me a place for both my pistol and my knife. Besides, it doesn't bang against my leg that way."
Everyone laughed.
There was a knock on the outer door. Before we could answer, Lords Tevanor and Tariel walked in. Tevanor looked serious, as always. Tariel's eyes sparkled in mirth.
"Dan, you definitely proved yourself this afternoon. Don't test me like that again."
"Lord, I meant no disrespect to you. I was testing those who wanted to bind me against me will. I wanted to challenge Lady Cerziana and I knew she would take the bait."
Tariel laughed as he walked to the table. He looked at the selection of wines and spirits and with a questioning eye asked if he might have a drink. I nodded and he poured himself a dark whiskey. "It worked," he told me.
Lord Tevanor looked at his brother and sighed. "As long as we understand each other, Dan"
"I understand very well, Lord Tevanor. As long as I am here, my sword and my gun are yours."
"Thank you, Dan," Tevanor said. "Now I must be off, Tariel are you coming?"
"No, I think I would get to know these friends. You said their story was amazing. I would like to hear it."
"Very well then brother. Good night, all." And with that he left.
Tariel watched him go. "After all these centuries he still hasn't learned to relax."
"Tariel, welcome home," Andrys said.
"Thank you, cousin. I felt it time to return. My soul is finally at peace with the past."
"We never did understand why you left."
"I couldn't stay here with having found what I found."
"What was that?" I asked.
Tariel looked around at all of us. "Even Tevanor doesn't know the truth about what happened to our brother. He thinks the Priests of Silver killed him."
That's what he told us, Lord, after you left." Andrys told him.
Tariel looked at his empty glass and set it down. "Kadin was their leader."
"What?" We all chorused.
"Yes, he had betrayed us and we never knew. Even now, nobody else does. I have carried this secret around for a thousand years."
"When we found the Priests' sanctum everyone was gone. He was the only one left. I found him in a chamber with a dark mirror. No one else was with him. When he told me what he had done, how he had tricked the village of Grethan to follow his Priests, he was proud.
"He prophesied for me. 'When the time is right, the Goddess with bring forth your destroyer. We will then rise up and return with an army to tear down your keep and burn your forest.'"
"I stared at him, frozen in horror. He stood before me and denounced his name. 'From this day forward I am much more than Kadin. I am Markadin.'"
"Oh, shit," I whispered and looked at Xiona's shocked face.
"Markadin was your brother?" She asked quietly.
Everyone in the room held there breath, afraid to speak.
"Yes, why?"
"Didn't Lord Tevanor tell you any of their story?" Andrys asked.
"No, he only said that it would end a chapter in our history and was best heard from them."
We couldn't speak. Xiona and I just stared at each other.
Finally, Tariel could stand the silence no longer. "Please, someone tell me what is wrong?"
Andrys started to speak but pup said, "Lord, it is their tale."
He glared at her but this once she refused to back down.
"Tariel," I finally said, drawing on all my strength. "I am sorry but your brother is dead. I killed him." I stood and went to look out the window.
Tariel watched me. Softly, he said, "Please tell me what happened."
Xiona watched me for a short moment and again told our tale. I stared out the window listening. I had never thought of the families and friends of those I had killed.
When she finished, Xiona said, "Forgive me, Lord. If it wasn't for me, Dan would have not killed your brother."
I went to stand behind the sister of my soul and laid my hands on her shoulders. "Dear sister, what I did was my own decision. I take all the blame. The Priests were using you. You had no choice."
I looked at Tariel. "I am truly sorry. I would change things if I could but, given the circumstances, I would do it again if necessary."
Xiona looked up at me.
"Take no blame for my brother's death." Tariel said "I lost him a millennium ago. If I had stopped him then, even killed him, your kin wouldn't have been lost, Xiona. And you Dan, would still be home."
We all sat there silent for a while, each lost in thoughts.
Finally, Tariel said, "I had thought myself at peace. I realize now I had allowed myself to ignore what had happened."
"Please, Lord, do not dwell on the past, on what might have been," gentle said. "We must live in the future and look there for our hope."
"Well said, little one," Tariel said. Then he started to smile. "You have any more of that whiskey?"
We all laughed, the tension fading into the night.
We spent most of that night talking, getting to know each other. Overnight, our friendships grew. Those of us who had been friends grew closer. Those bonds welcomed Tariel and he became close to us as well.
It was late at night when we parted, each to their own room. I lay on my bed thinking how much had happened since I met Xiona. I still missed home but at least I had friends here. I finally drifted off to a deep, dreamless sleep.