THE FRESHNESS OF BEING

By Oregano

          “So what’s happening in the outside world?” Luke asked sadly.  It had been about half an hour.

          “Well, Jess and Rory are probably beating each other up to a bloody pulp.  Those two have some issues.”

          “What?  In my store?  They’re causing a scene in MY STORE?!”

          “Taylor, calm down.”

          “I will not calm down!  They could be looting from me!”

          Luke and Lorelai just rolled their eyes.

It had been about an hour since Lorelai had joined them in hell, and Luke was an inch away from spooning his eyes out.

          “…You know what’s a weird word?  Ruthless.  It’s generally a negative word, right?  Then what’s the opposite of ruthless?  The root word is ‘ruth’?  Well, that’s a funny root word, if you ask me.  Then it’ll be ‘ruth-full’?  Hey, Luke, you’re so ruthfull.  Isn’t that funny?”

          Taylor sighed and slumped to the floor.

          Luke gritted his teeth an imagined a peaceful release from this hell involving a lawnmower.

          “Another funny word: Pizza.  What if you have a chicken pizza?  Chizza?  That’s so cool!  I’m gonna go tell Joe when we get out of here.  ‘Hey, Joe, I have a new flavor for ya’!’”

          “Lorelai.  Please.  Stop.  Talking.”

          Taylor sighed again.  Oooh, he wasn’t off the hook yet, either.  He pointed to the old man and tersely said, “And I still want that damned unicorn out, Taylor.”

          “We’ve been over this: NO, Luke.”

          “Fine, I’ll just rip it out when it comes up.”

          Taylor’s eyes bugged out.  He suddenly became mobile and lurched for Luke’s neck.  He caught hold of it and squeezed.

          Luke, being slightly bigger, took Taylor’s neck in return and started to strangle him as well.

          “Hey!  Hey!  HEY!” Lorelai yelled, “This would work if you guys were fighting over me, but firstly, Taylor—gross.  And second, a unicorn!?  You are fighting over a unicorn?”

          “It’s stupid!”

          “It’s whimsical!  It goes with the whole ambiance of the place!”

          Lorelai raised an eyebrow, “A unicorn in an old-fashioned ice cream shop.”

          “Yes!”

          “I don’t want to take sides, but Taylor, that’s kind of dumb.”

          “Fine!  Take Luke’s side, as you always do!”

          He crossed his arms in front of him and pouted.

          From the other side of the room, Luke’s eyes widened at what Taylor had just said.

          “Why are you guys fighting, Rory?” Dean asked, staring at her intently.

          “Jess was being a doofus.”

          Jess rolled his eyes, “Yeah, because doofuses normally act stupid while trying to find the right nail in peace.  Yeah, a real stupid move there.”

          Wow.  If looks could mutilate human bodies…

          “Fine.  We were fighting because I ki—“

          CRASH!

          It was loud, and it came from the storage room.  This time, everyone heard it.  Dean looked up, distracted.  He walked over to the storage room and slowly opened it. 

          Inside, were Taylor and Luke, rolling on the floor, trying to kill each other.  In one corner, Lorelai threw pieces of Aspirin at the two.

          “Hey!  What’s going on in here?!” Dean yelled.

          The three stopped and looked at each other.  There was a collective pause and they quickly darted to freedom.

          Lorelai threw her arms around Dean.

          Taylor went towards Dean, yelling, “Why, young man, did you not hear us inside there, screaming our lungs out?!”

          Luke just glared at them all and stalked away.

          “Shut up!  It wasn’t my fault!”

          “It was!  God, Jess, I hate you!”

          “Oh, you think I love you and adore you?!”

          SMACK.

          The crowd turned just as Rory slapped Jess on the face.  The sound echoed through the quietness in Doose’s Market.

          Jess stood there, in awe of what Rory Gilmore had just done.  He touched his cheek slightly.  It stung.  He raised his hurt eyes at her and shook his head.

          “I’ve had enough of this.”

          “Me too!”

          “Fine!”

          “Fine!”

          “I’m going!”

          “What do I care?!”

          “Have fun with your loving, boring boyfriend, Rory.”

          “Don’t eat Shane’s head accidentally when you make out!” Rory screamed angrily as Jess exited the market.

          Luke was waiting for him.  They walked angrily back to the Diner.

          “Damned savages in this town.”

          “Crap.  Jess, we need honey.”

          “Well, I’m not getting it.  Rory’s still in there.”

          “I’m not going in there!”

          Luke growled and set his fist in front of him, “Rock, paper, scissors.”

          Jess frowned.  He hesitated, then, “Gah!  Fine!”

          Fist, fist.  Luke Rock.  Jess Scissors.

          “Dammit!”

          Jess stalked back into the store.  He was greeted by Rory.

          “What, forget your panties?”

          “Get away from me.”

          But Rory still didn’t let the episode earlier go.  She followed him, still talking.

          “What are you looking for?”

          “Nothing.  Taylor!  Where the hell’s your honey?!”

          He heard Taylor say from behind an aisle, “Luke left them in the storage room!” So he walked in that direction, not knowing that it was a dangerous place to be.  Rory, not knowing either, stuck to him like a barnacle.

          “Why are you so mean, Jess?” she asked suddenly.

          “I’m mean?”

          Lorelai was sick of this.  With a determined look, she slammed the door shut behind them.

          Jess and Rory looked at each other. 

          “Get talking, you two!” Lorelai yelled from outside.

          Jess frowned and stared at Rory.

          “This is going to be hell.”

          END.