POKING NORMALCY IN THE BACKSIDE

By Oregano

                Luke turned to call his nephew, but Jess was nowhere to be found.  With a confused look at Caesar, he asked, “Where the hell is Jess?”

                “Out with his girlfriend,” he replied without lifting his head.

                Luke sighed and closed his eyes.  Jess was always with his girlfriend.  It was great that the kid had someone, but it would have been nicer if he remembered his shifts once in a while.  He took off his apron and ventured outside to find his missing nephew.

                He reached the middle of town soon and finally found Jess.  He was, indeed, with Shane.  With a grunt, he made his way towards them.  But before he could reach the two damned love birds, something caught his attention. 

                In the shrubs that lined the town square, he saw two asses.  Not the donkey-mule-horse thing, but asses as in backsides, butts, buttocks.  Not bare, of course, but he did recognize one of them.  One was in denim jeans, the other, more familiar one was covered in the crazy pants he had seen earlier this morning. 

                “What the hell are you doing, Lorelai?” he thundered.

                Luke watched as the two people scuffle about with the plants.  It was, not surprisingly, Lorelai.  The other one was the hyper Korean kid, Lane.  When they won their battle with the greens, Lorelai had the gall to glare at him.

                “Shut up, shut up, shut up!” Lorelai whispered hoarsely.  She grabbed his shirt and dragged him down with them.

                “What is this?” he asked, in the same tone as Lorelai.  He parted the plants and saw Jess and Shane.  “Oh, my God you are stalking my nephew.”

                “We are not!” Lane said.

                “Then what the hell are you two doing in the dirt with your asses in the air, holding binoculars?  Jesus, you guys even have a logbook?”  Luke lifted the tiny notebook and scanned through it.  Lorelai quickly jerked it away before he could read any of its contents.

                Then it occurred to him that there were now three asses in the air.  One of them was his.  Dammit, Lorelai.  She was the only one who could get him a free room at the local loony bin.

                “Look, Rory told me that she’d fallen for Jess, alright?”

                “Then what does following him around have to do with it?”

                Lorelai remained quiet with a guilty and confused face.  She had no idea why she was doing this.

                “That’s not the reason, Lorelai.  Wait a minute… Rory’s in love with Jess?”

                “Yes!  And we are doing this for her!”

                “No, you’re not.”  Then Luke gasped, realizing something.  He then burst out laughing.  Sort of.  He wasn’t the laughing type.  It sounded something between a chuckle and a snort.

                “What’s wrong with you now?”

                “You’re worried about Jess!”

                “I am not!  I could care less about him!”

                “Yeah, right.  You care about the kid, admit it!  This has nothing to do with Rory!  It’s all about you and your love for Jess.  This girl makes you nervous because she isn’t like Rory.”

                Lane grinned at Lorelai.  “Shame on you, Lorelai.  You’re using your own daughter.”

                “Hey, we were in this together!”

                “I was doing this because I had to get out of the house.  Besides, Shane’s pretty cool.  I like her.  She’s kind of has that Avril Lavigne Thing going on.”

                “Traitor.”

                Suddenly, Lorelai faced Luke.  “You’re going to have a dinner thing with Shane’s parents tomorrow night, aren’t you?”

                “Yeah, so?”

                “Take me with you.”

                “What?  NO!”

                She grabbed his shirt and fiercely pulled him towards her.  “Take me with you.”

                “No.”

                “Mom, Dad, this is Jess, Luke, and his girlfriend, Lorelai Gilmore.” Shane introduced.

                “Happy to meet you all.”  Shane’s mother smiled politely.

                “Nice to meet you, too.  I’m sorry you had to set another place at the table.  I feel like a terrible nuisance!”

                “Oh!  No worries, Lorelai, we’re happy to have you!”

                “You have no shame.” Luke mumbled to her.

                “You were the pansy who caved.”

                “I hate you.”