Chapter 4

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Chapter 4 : Why Me?

Jess’ eyes fluttered open two days later at about 9 AM, but instead of getting up and showering like he usually did on ordinary days he just balled up under his comforter. Nothing about this day, much like the two days preceding it, would be ordinary. He tried to go back to sleep, knowing that facing the morning today wouldn’t be an exactly pleasant experience and when he was asleep he didn’t have to think about any of it, he could just drift into dreamland and pretend like none of it had ever happened. He had been like this ever since that night. The night that Rory had turned her back on them once and for all. At around that time Luke came bursting into his room “Jess! Jess get up! You have to work today, Cesar is off and I can’t handle the Saturday rush alone! Get up!” He yelled, pulling the comforter off of Jess and throwing it on the floor. Jess mumbled incoherently and Luke responded “Look I need you today; I want you up, dressed, mussed and ready to flip some pancakes! C’mon!” Jess grumbled again and sat up; letting his legs dangle over the side of his bed. He exhaled sharply and pushed himself onto his feet. Walking into the bathroom he noticed how heavy he felt, how hard it was for him to move.

He walked into the bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror; frowning at the car-wreck he saw staring back at him. His hair was disheveled and pointing in all different directions while his eyes were red and puffy and there was the distinct imprint of his pillow case seam across his face. He sighed, marveling at how easily she could take both of their hearts on a roller coaster ride and then just walk away like that. Twice for that matter. He rubbed his eyes and yawned as he picked up a comb and attempted to tame his shaggy black hair. Finally he decided he was to worn to do this kind of battle and just wet it and towel dried it to put it under control. He trudged back out into his room and threw on a black thermal and a button up with khakis and descended the stairs into his uncle’s diner. At least today would be different, today would begin the healing process. He didn’t have to hide in the kitchen anymore, or pretend to need to go and do something outside of the diner whenever she was there. The last two days had been excruciating. She had been in there twice and both times the scant eye contact they had shared had ripped him to pieces, just being around her was intoxicating. But now it was different. Rory Gilmore was gone, gone for six weeks. He hoped that would be enough time for him to peel his heart off of the doormat and try to repair himself in one way or another, but how? He had no idea. He rubbed his eyes, trying to conceal the traces of a few salty tears; he didn’t want anyone to know anything was wrong. As far as this town was concerned Jess Mariano didn’t even know how to cry, he didn’t know emotion, he didn’t know compassion or sincerity and love was out of the question, and he wanted it to stay that way. He wanted to huddle up behind the walls of his life and stay there forever. It had always worked before. He had only let them down once, and look where he was as a result of that. He paused at the base of the stairs and took a deep breath, ready to step into the next phase of his life without her. He blinked a few times, breathed deeply, and stepped out. And then SCREEECH, SLAM!...the pieces of his heart were strewn all over the floor again. Why me?

Their eyes locked for a few seconds and Jess felt like a battering ram had been driven into his chest. He exhaled harshly and averted his eyes, feeling a hot flush creeping up into his face. He glanced up again to see her concentrating with all of her might on her mug of coffee, her knuckles white from gripping it so tightly. He closed his eyes for a moment, willing his stomach to stop flip-flopping, willing his breathing to return to normal, willing his eyes to stay dry. He stood there immobile, trying desperately to stop his world from spinning as he turned away from her and focused on the coffee machine. WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY IS SHE DOING HERE???? She was supposed to be gone, gone, as in not here anymore! Just then he was ripped from his thoughts as Lorelai/Scarlet O’Hara called out in the voice of a southern belle “Oh Jess! We are just dying for some refreshments! And Miss Rory here needs extra seeing as she’s depressed about not going to Washington!” Jess clenched his jaw and rested his weight on his arms, which were leaning on the counter. Rory isn’t going…what does this mean? How am I going to survive six weeks when I see her every day? How am I supposed to forget with the coffee-addicted reminder right there in front of my face? Cruel irony…cruel, malicious, vindictive, spiteful, godforsaken irony. He shook his head slightly and tentatively turned around to face them, carefully diverting his eyes from her as he poured her coffee and pushing a nonchalant, unmoved expression onto his face. As he did so he noticed her knuckles were whiter and he realized that this wasn’t going to be easy for her either, and he almost felt sorry for her, almost wanted to say something to comfort her, but then he remembered the events of that night, and kicked himself for his thoughts.

Then, as he went to fill her mother’s cup she reached out for the sugar, their hands grazed softly. Well, it looked like they grazed softly, and to anyone outside of the interaction wouldn’t have thought twice about it, but as they touched both felt a shiver run quickly down their spines and electricity sizzled in their fingers and they simultaneously caught their breath and their rapidly thumping hearts skipped a beat. They drew away quickly, both looking mutually stricken and trying to convince themselves that they hadn’t felt it, and both blushing as they stole fleeting glances into each other’s eyes. Jess, unable to take the tension any longer, then yelled out “Luke, I’m going on break!!” and rushed out the door.

Rory just sat there for a moment, looking at her hand, at the spot where it had touched his. She still felt the tingles in her back and she steadied her breath as she continued to stare at the spot, almost expecting it to define itself with a mark or an outline or something. But nothing happened; all that was left to remind her of the contact were a few tingles and the look she had seen on his face when they had touched. Jess Mariano was sometimes a hard person to read, but in that instant she knew she had seen all of the emotions that he had always kept hidden to the outside world, to everyone except her. And she only remembered seeing them once before, not two days ago. Compassion, emotion, sincerity, fear, caring, and what shone through his eyes the most was pain, and she hated herself for causing it. She drew another deep, steadying breath, this was going to be harder then she thought. Why Me?

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