alright, so i started going briefly over this wiccan girlfriend before. jamie. but i left out some of the story. for starters, i was a band dork...and i really was a dork and so was she, but she was an orchestra dork. and she was a little hairy, but that didn't bother me. she had black hair, and killer sideburns, and there were thick patches of hair on her arms...her forearms looked like a guy's. so when this all began i was playing the trombone...we did the whole marching band thing, i did trombone and she was a flag girl. now the stereotypical flag-girl guy was gay and their flag director, the guy that worked out their routine was no exception...he was flaming, but this story isn't about the flamers. this is about jamie and her hot sister that i can't remember her name for the life of me. but anyways, around the 2nd time that we started dating(jamie and i), i was good friends with her and her friends...there were the twins, erin2, erin2's little brother, and a few others... all of us would go over to erin's farm-like house and play on the trampoline, mostly childish games of teaming up on one person to tickle them, or jumping just at the right time to mess up the other person and make them fall, or stealing someone's socks...just goofy kid games... i think they even convinced me to play a wierd role playing game, where we could pick our character and decide if we wanted to be a human, or a vampire, or this bizarre creature, or that thing, or something else... and the way they played, its no wonder that everyone thought that they thought that jamie would become a homosexual. there were evil spirits and stuff, but they wanted us to act out every scene, and tell what we would do...whilst sitting around a dinner table, with the tv on in the other room, with my favorite show on...and alot of the scenes required someone to kiss me or jamie... now i don't really play these sort of games often...never...but i don't think that is how these games are normally set up. now if jamie's little unnamed sister was playing, instead of watching tv with her boytoy then, maybe, just maybe, i could have gotten into the game...but as you can guess that never happened... besides that i don't think i had even kissed a girl yet...that was in 9th grade and the 2nd time i dated her was in 10th...so anyways, later on i don't remember which year, i think when i was in 11th grade, after i had broken up with jamie2 and started dating jamie again for the third time...there was this marching band thing where the 8th graders from rippon middle school would come and play our stand music...erin's brother was one of those kids...i didn't recognize him. he was wearing a leather jacket and trying to be really cool toting his gay trumpet. who wears leather anymore? so anyways, here we are in the stands, and i don't remember what he said, but he really pissed me off...i think he was saying something about me from behind my back...i don't know, but the people around me knew that i would be justified in throwing the kid down the stairs, so they kept me from doing it...i don't think they had ever really seen me pissed, so they were kindof scared about what i might do...needless to say, he didn't join marching band the next year...he was too afraid that i would go psycho on him... like i was gonna do with goon. you take one photo of a guy(with a clearance to top secret stuff) hugging a toilet while passed out, and he gets pissed. wtf. so a week after the photo was taken he comes into my room and starts warning me about what will happen to me if i don't get rid of the photo. i was having a bad week, and an even worse day at that point, so i was watching a show or a movie or something...and he threatens me, with some of my friends in the room too. i got really pissed...you don't invade someone's space, their sanctuary, and threaten to beat them up or jump them, especially with a clearance. i don't know if many people believe in auras but i could see mine glowing red as soon as i stood up. i didn't act as pissed as i really was, but i told him calmly, "get the fuck out of my room right now. i have had a really shitty week and today wasn't much better, so i am really unstable right now... get the fuck out." paul came in and saw that i was fighting mad, and tried to get this guy out of my room, and for the next 2 or 3 hours they stood outside yelling at each other. this guy was drunk and paul wasn't. guy kept saying stupid stuff like, why are you hiding behind the cops, just take a swing at me, and i will go get the cops, just swing... that is a prime example of stupid drunk. but eventually danny ran over and found some cops and had them come to my room to settle the arguement. a few of guy's "friends" came and took him to the other side of the building. the only reason that the cops knew where the disturbance was, was guy was walking back over to my side of the building and banging his fists, and punching every door. guy lied about the existance of a photo, even after he heard a few testomonies declared within earshot of him. the cops even called him a liar. this wasn't the last of guy's alcohol problems...for a time, everyday as soon as he got off of work, he would have a bottle of jack in his hands...and wouldn't stop drinking until he passed out... and people say that smoking is expensive... but anyways, one night at around 2 or 3 in the morning, guy decides that he wants a cig...he never has his own, he just bums em from his neighbors...idiots...like my suitemate, he just told the housing people that he doesn't smoke so that he won't get checked to see if he was smoking in the building...but everyone is asleep, so guy decides to ask 2(read that number, it will come up later) guys for a smoke. one of them was down to his last, and you should never take someone's last smoke, but he didn't offer it, and i think the other doesn't smoke...i just think they didn't wanna give guy a smoke because guy is an asshole. so guy asked them, and they said no...he asked again, they said no...frustrated he yells from my third floor, close to my room, "give me a fucking cigarette," they said no. so pissed off and drunk he goes down to the first floor of their building and picks a fight with them...over a smoke, that he was to stupid to buy himself. if he would have just gone and had the foresight to know that he was gonna be drinking and smoking until 3 in the morning(by himself), he should have known to buy some smokes of his own. so guy takes the first swing and 1...not 2, 1 of the guys whips his ass. the cops came and the 2 guys hid. 1 got put in cuffs i think, and hauled off...the other slept in an undisclosed location. but anyway, there were 2 guys and that was all not 7 or 8 from all over, just 2...am i making it clear, the number 2? the reason i put so much emphasis on the #2 is because at a meeting with our first sgt(for those that are non-military, that is the person that acts as a liason(for those of you that are english impaired, that is the person that acts as a go between(for those of you...nevermind))for the enlisted and the officers) and some chief and some other bastard, guy told everyone that he was jumped for no reason by 7 or 8 guys...there was no cause, and then the cops unfairly questioned him, they wouldn't let him make a phone call, and what a sob story...while everyone in the room put on their droop faces, i started to chuckle...i got the wierdest looks too. the person next to me asked how i could be so insensitive...and i laughed even harder. now it is sad that he got his ass beat(hard), but he had it coming, and i think it was actually good for him...he quit drinking, i think he quit smoking(wouldn't you), he really cleaned up his financial, and social life. i think that is something that he can be proud of. so hats off to you guy, and by the way i still have the photo...and i still hate you. by the way i think i heard that he is guy is going to church too. i am sure some people are still inquisitive about what religion i am and all of that, so i will leave it a mystery. well until maybe the next edition. and besides that i am sure everyone wants to know why i haven't mentioned anything about my elementary school years(unless i did and forgot about it), so i guess along the lines of religion and elementary school, comes a brand new true story(at least it is to all of you...i lived it(years ago, and its kindof old to me). do you remember when you were a kid and you would pray for a toy, like the gi joes, maybe a raise in your allowance(i didn't even know what that was till my friends told me about it..."money for nothing?", sign me up), a new train set, a brand new bike, a new computer game, or the new barbie that i saw in the window at the local toy store(i don't think there is such a thing anymore...a local toy store...thats something out of bible times, when our parents were still kids...). well the only 2 things that i can ever remember praying for, were to not get caught for doing something, and i prayed often for it, but not hard...the one thing that i prayed hard for was to not be put in mrs leo's class. i heard the most awful things about her from the new 5th graders...i was going into 4th grade and that was the grade that she taught... "mrs leo is mean...she cuts recess short, and she sometimes doesn't even let us go outside and play...i hate her" something like that. and all summer that year between 3rd and 4th grade i prayed...i was told once to keep my eyes closed during prayer and i closed them suckers so tight i was seeing spots...if you open your eyes, the prayer won't come true, well thats how the rumor went anyway...i later found this to be entirely wrong. school started and my parents excited for me told me that i was getting put into her class. yippy. thanks alot god... the one thing that i had prayed for, denied. well i went to school and the first day i knew that i was gonna hate it. now i know what you are thinking...this is one of those "it got better" stories...well its not, its not even an "it got worse" story...but there was one thing that really made me just want to kill myself...most happy 8 year olds don't have a story like this... and most 8 year olds don't get explosive diarrhea... i was like sick boy, or pre-med dick from van wilder when i was a kid... except most all of my sickness had something to do with stuff coming out of my butt. to make a long and very disgusting story short... i crapped my pants at school, and when the other kids were looking for where the stench was coming from: one of them said...it smells like its coming from over there(not where i was)... from that instant, that kid was my best friend, because his olfactory sense was shitty(pun intended). i remember thinking, what a cool guy, he's awesome...but it didn't really matter, i think all the other kids had already figured out where the smell was coming from...its not hard to do when one kid out of 30 is turning red, and his body had been making wierd noises all day...i shouldn't even have gone to school when i was a kid... but the one good thing about mrs leo is, is that she made sure not to let the kids poke fun...and they didn't...i bet she pulled something out of her "horrid-things-to-do-to-children" book for children and teachers.
probably something like no recess. but whatever she did, i won't forget that it got done. its experiences like this that make me wonder, and write stupid stuff like this.
so far, everyone seems to be taking these "stories" lightly, and they all have a sense of humor about the stuff mentioned in them. on occassion i will not type what is coming out of my head exactly and it will cause a person to get upset. and i apologize for what i may have said.
example: frenching a 60 year old woman... no i have never made out with a 60 year old. the closest that i have ever come to kissing someone older than i was in high school. my sophmore year(in band camp of course) i made out with a senior. heather. she was a really odd girl. one of those "i wanna be rebelious, not because its cool, but the fact that i am rebeling makes me cool," i don't think that made sense then, or now. anyways dusty's sister heather, was really skinny...skinnier than i. and she had hair down to her butt. and she wasn't really much to look at either. but she was my first kiss. yes that would make me 13 or 14... middle school wasn't good to me either. so after kissing this girl, a few weeks later i found out this girl was also a slut...but i had called off the idea of a relationship with her. i just wasn't into her whole ...thing. the last two sentences make me sound like i wanted a slut...but she was really just too open, talking about sex and porns, and penises and vaginas, and she was one of those girls that likes pain...i didn't ever give her any though. so thats good right?
tune in next time for domesticated vaginas
wow look at all these great place that you can visit...wow, i am just...wowed, is that right? wow-ed? wowwed? ...???
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#4 infamous jen...yep thats right, all about the girl i call jen...everyone else calls her that too, but i called her that after i found out that was her name...i don't think that would make a difference, but...?, um, so there! HA
#6 gay-o-meter
