domesticated vaginas...
did you really think i was gonna talk about guys having sex with their cats...thats disgusting and besides if you stick anything in a cat's vagina, they would never forgive you...if you really have to have sex with a domesticated animal... do a dog. their bigger, they will forgive you if you give them a treat, and you don't have to worry about a dog scratching your piece up either...just don't let them lick your balls...
the story behind the "i's"
ok so no one has asked me why i use an "i" instead of an "I", which kindof bothers me. its bad enough that all the spanglish(spanish-english language(but i just think it should be called something like mexican, or retard, something on that level)), but now the american people(actual americans, those of us born and raised by english speaking parents, in america), have forgotten how to read and speak...they just take the grammatical alongside the ebonics...oh and that is where i think spanglish will be headed sometime in the future...to spebonics(ssspeeebonics(i can't do those cool symbols to make pronounciation easier, but i think you get the idea)). i really just wish that someone would ask me so that i could tell them personally instead of through this sort of intermediary...well it all started with bad typing skills and it stuck...it was a way for me to communicate moods more effectively...see if i write that i am excited, nothing...but if i say that I AM EXCITED...your eyes catch that and say,...damn he is excited... but then it just got to the point where i just stopped caring...there are spell-checkers in most typing programs that will correct that sortof error...even ones that you don't even have to go back and hit the spell checker...it will do it whilst you are typing, and you just forget that you missed an "I"...but i am just using notepad...there isn't a spell check...i can't even make a phrase or title bigger without making the whole damn document bigger. it really sucks unless you are just jotting down a little thing here or there...or a 13kb document, where size doesn't matter. like penises...there is a girl i know that everyone thought only dated black guys...i did too...and she only dated one. i asked her about that and she told me that she has only dated one, ever. and like she said(so i guess its true of all females) size doesn't matter, its how you use it...take that jenna jameson, and all you pornstars on those infomercials, "real women want a big dick" HA...(see that was an excited "ha"). she said that some of those huge wangs are just painful(making it sound like she is a slut...but i swear she isn't, i think i am just leaving something out that i shouldn't...i just don't know what it is, but she isn't a slut...and she doesn't date only black guys(time for me to make my move? i would but(there is always a "but") i am leaving this base soon, and i don't want to start a relationship that will fail, because of distance stuff, and the possibility that i would never see her again. but if you are reading this(you know who you are) and are thinking that i don't want you, you are wrong. you are a great person, always sweet and caring...even though you have this strange fear of pineapple leaves.
so i finally got in touch with eric...he still hasn't talked to megan(that perfect girl from that party, the one that lost my phone number...) oh and daughn(dawn) is the girl that lost my phone number months ago and decided to call me up a few weeks ago...but i think she just wants me as a fallback boy. don't get me wrong i really like the girl...probably too much...like i am sure i have said before "i get attatched to people all to easily"or something to that effect. well its a crazy story(not on the level of the crap my pants story but...). i was studying to be a computer programmer, and i had to take this class inorder to get... something?...anyways, the class was given at a hotel. so i went with the guy that ran me over a week ago(mike). and we saw this hottie working at the desk...she looked like she was in her 20's, and everyday she was giving me the eye...can't blame her i was staring...and i was giving her my patented look...the one that makes girls scream(please don't ask to see it, i can't do it for everyone...its one of those looks that takes alot out of me... i give off alot of pheromones(something that pornstars are selling on infomercials as well(which is insane...pornstars aren't trying to get with a guy that gives off alot of pheromones...its not in the script(maybe i should become a porn script writter guy(nah))). if you want any of the sex products don't go online looking for them...you will get a ton of pop-ups and alot of porn sites, not selling them. if you see any infomercial, dial that number and ask for a product by name...all of those infomercials normally go through a monopoly phone answering service called "west"...i used to work for them, when i lived in louisiana. if you have ever worked as an inbound telemarketer, you would know about all the really messed up calls you get.
examples:
1 shower calls...i got this one call asking if i was watching his girl in the shower...i told him i wasn't and tried to go on down the list of things that i am supposed to do...then he said that she wanted to get down and dirty with me...stick with the list(focus)...shes rubbing her clit...focus...shes "click" beep beep beep---DAMN...
2 drug solicitation calls...no i don't want to buy drugs from you while i am working, besides i am in louisiana and you are in east-alaska(canada)
3 drug buyer calls...no i don't have any pot, or coke, or any acid, or x or anything...i have drug tests, no wait i don't...and i am not sharing...
4 i-am-rubbing-myself-right-now calls...those were always the best, no complaints...like i have said before, these calls are expensive to make(phone sex calls)the only problem is that i can't really jerk it with these open-ended cubicles...the walls weren't even tall enough to keep you from seeing the people across from you, kindof like sitting across a dinner table, with a cloth wall that comes up a foot or so(to block some of the sound?)...jason, cort, joe and i used some caulk(pronounced cock) to put up some styrafoam egg shell stuff to block the sound in his house, when i was in the band...and for one of the few times in my life, i could hear silence...not even my own heartbeat...i guess we did a good job...but too bad cort is getting deployed...haha thats what you get for kicking me out.
if anyone can tell me this i will give you 10 pts...what is the thing in the map...with a flower name...that tells you about the map's symbols...and key isn't the answer. i am just sitting here trying to remember what the damn thing is called. eric is right i spend too much time "at work," even though its almost 1 in the morning. you can find alot about people this early in the day...especially if you put on a ski mask and break in to their room with an ax and chain them to the bed, and threaten to kill them, if they don't talk...and then start breaking stuff, or if they talk in their sleep and sleepwalk...,or if they forgot to sleep, and are too hyped up on coffee. i think that i am gonna help come up with a new word...just to see if it sticks. those of you that are far away, let me know if you hear it...if not in a few months start using it yourself, and maybe i---i mean---we could put a new word in webster's dictionary($39.95 + tax...at your local bookstore, and free at your local library...hmm tough choice there, who goes to a library to use a dictionary? no one...so it will be all yours(i am such a genius)). the only limitation is the word has to start with the letter "i" and it has to be a 4 letter word. you know i think they did something like this on love line...the radio show, not that crappy tv show. you know on that show they had these people get up out of the audience, go behind some blinds and ask a question...like no one in the audience is gonna know who is asking the question...
"yes i keep having these vaginal discharges?..."...then...
"well did you see a doctor?"...
"um no"...
then adam would make a joke and try to make the boy or girl(in this case i think it was a boy...hey the scientists still haven't sent me a letter about seahorse genetialia) feel stupid. then the doctor would try to tell the boy what she needs to do, and thats it...and the kid thanks them for making an ass of him(even though he sort of made himself out to be an ass to start with). then the kid walks out from behind the screen and takes his seat next to his girlfriend that doen's want to touch him anymore, let alone date him.
people want me to write about them, or they give me subjects that they want to hear me discuss in my head...like that whole seahorse genetalia thing...but i forget what they want me to write about usually...so if you still have something you want me to write about that i haven't addressed yet, drop me a line and let me know chris64@www.com or cleeb86@hotmail.com ...either one will work...hell you can do both of them...just make sure you put something in the subject so that i know you aren't junk mail...i get too much junk as it is...oh and if you have a complaint you can our customer support line...its always on and there will always be someone there to answer the phone...the number is...
...
oh i have just been informed that my budget is running low(just got off the phone with my atm) ...and we cut that department out...but if you wanna call me, (email me if you are a lady) my phone number is: 911-383-1703. nah i am only kidding...don't call that number...i know no one was gonna fall for it, but just like in the mickey d's coffee, i take no chances...there really is no point in risking anything...not that life is perfect, it could be better...but that i can't afford to lose stuff over stuff...i need my stuff, to stuff with people and their stuff...ok now i am just rambling. and thats not cool...look at the horrible quality of crap...i scrape better crap off my windshield. i need sleep. so that is it for tuesday night...i will be back in the morning i think.
...
ok so its wednesday morning...well afternoon... i slpet in my bed last night, and my back is killing me. normally i sleep on the couch, and my back only hurts a little, but if i sleep on my bed my lower back feels like shit. if i had a bathtub, you know i would be there and not doing this.
the coffee-lounge man...
when i lived in louisiana, i worked at a ruby tuesday. my uncle kenny died when i was working there...he was the only family member that i knew of that drank and smoked regularly. consequently he died of liver failure and lung cancer. i was dating the infamous jen at the time and she consoled me. i didn't even really know the guy, but i cried for hours...and for some reason, i felt that he was my favorite uncle. i even wrote a song about him, that no one has heard... actually there are alot of songs that i have written that no one has heard. one of those days after the funeral that i couldn't attend(i had no money and was barely scraping by) there was a girl at work that teased me about something stupid...and i couldn't take it... i started to cry at work. i told my boss that i needed a few minutes alone and went to the bathroom for almost half an hour, just crying. i came out eyes really redshot, with bags under them, and told my boss that i was ready to work again, but he sent me home...i needed money. about a week after that whole ordeal, a man named paul came to ruby tuesday's... didn't ask for a table, or menu, or a drink or anything...he just said that he wanted to talk to me... so my boss had me go talk to the guy. he seemed alright. he said that i waited on his table a few days ago, and that he was starting a coffee bar place that was actually 10 minutes closer to where i lived. he asked me to take tommorrow off so that i could see what he was talking about, and i told him that i needed money, and couldn't afford to. he offered me 100 bucks(which is just over what i would make on a monday(everyone else there was only pulling in around 30 or 40)) to take the day off, and that if we did start and run this business i would make a ton more than that working with him. so i took the next day off, and i went to see this guy's plan for big money. he gave me directions to his house and i picked him up there. we first drove to this little burger joint and got something to eat. i was thinking really nice guy. then we went to this other shop and he explained what his plan was: a midnight coffee lounge...there were none in baton rouge. there was jack in the box, and other fast food chains that stayed open 24/7 but no places specifically for coffee, with our waitresses wearing stuff they got at baby gap. i don't make the idea sound that grand, but it really would be a big thing in that area. so we left there and went to the site where we were gonna open up this place. it was right by a casino, which would have been pretty cool. i didn't think that paul worked at this point but he seemed to be loaded, and then he asked me... "how would you like to make $1000 tonight?" ..."um...i would love to" so he kept quiet and i drove him back to his place. we got out of the car and went inside to discuss the further arrangements of the coffee lounge. he put on a cup of coffee and started getting phone calls. one of them he asked me to answer...and the guy wanted to know if i was paul's new boyfriend? i said no, and then paul got really pissed, he took the phone and started bitching the guy out. he then explained how i was gonna make 1000 bucks... i would have to masturbate while this hot blonde takes photos of me(500)...some sort of fetish thing, and then if i came(the other 500)... still unsure about the idea i told him maybe...and then he said i didn't need to decide just yet...just to come to this party tonight. "ok"...he then started to get upset, because he knew that i was struggling to get by, and that he wanted to see me do well...and this and that, and he started talking about god...and wanted to hold my hands to pray(now i know you are thinking...either he's really religious or extremely gay...but in all fairness, holding hands is a normal thing for him...). we prayed, and then we were gonna watch some tv...so we go over to the couch to lounge and paul flips in a porno...(beep beep went the gay-o-meter)... i really needed money so i thought whatever...he sits on the same couch as me and decides to lean over so that his head was above my leg, and then he pops the question, "how much would i have to pay you to let me suck your dick", and at that instant, there were two guys fucking on the tv...(BEEP BEEP GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE) i jumped up and made for the door, and as i was going paul tried to grab my ass... this guy thought i was gay and he was extremely gay(well duh). i gave paul my phone number so that he could give me directions to his place so that we could have that fun filled day that i just ran from...and on my way home he called me 6 or 7 times... scary... but he thought for some reason that i was gonna come and masturbate, and party with him after that... no way in hell... that was actually my first experience with a gay person... since then i have fine tuned my gay-o-meter, to detect gays...i just don't let people know of who the gays are... partially because alot of the people that i know that are gay are in the military... mostly guys...
well thats it for today...hope i filled your gay resevoir(wait that sounded gay too... damn you paul(with fist in the air)) tune in next time for "kings that sleep with the queen's daughter" or as i like to call it "kings queens and princesses"
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hey those are my socks you are wearing. were you going through my laundry?
yummy dykes, and in bed even
